The Happy Singleton - All welcome!

[SirChing]

Hello, following a thread where I discussed how happy and excited I was to have consciously decided to be single for 2020, it seems there are loads of us out there: People who are single through choice and happy about it.

Some plan on being single forever, some for a shorter time, but none of us are dating or want to date at the moment. We are too busy focusing on the important things in life: us!

This is a thread for anyone who wants to join it, to support and encourage each other, to discuss what we have or hope to learn by being single, and to discuss random practical stuff, like which companies don't charge single supplements for holidays.

Come on in and pull up a chair if you fancy a chat.

Happy 2020 all

Thank you for the welcome.

I’m home alone tonight as my youngest is with his dad but I’m enjoying eating what I like and watching love island!
@mildlymiffed I too am a Luddite! It’s one of the things I’m dreading when I move, having to sort out all the techy stuff, Well done you!
@KitKatBox I am actually looking forward to having a home that is mine! No compromises on decor (or pets)

@kitkatbox I was thinking more about your counselling, and building walls and pulling down shutters. The realisation has hit me that someone needs to be incredibly special for those shutters to go up. Not just nice, not just a filler, but someone who is going to improve on my life. Yes my life is frenetic, and yes I wish sometimes that I didn't have to work so hard to pay a mortgage on a very little two bed house... but I do have what I need, in myself, my son and friends. So unless they're earth tremblingly special my shutters are rightly staying shut.

I'm worth more than opening them just because someone flirts a bit...

@Taetoes I can completely relate to finding it too quiet when the kids aren't there. I'm 10 months in and still struggle with this. Probably especially so because we share 50 50 and I feel like they're always coming or going. So goodness knows how they feel

Yes to the techy side of things too! When I moved into my own place it was a massive pain in the arse and I made so many errors. But I did it and I'll be doing it all again soon when I move into the place I'm buying...

I'm feeling so at peace and it's lovely.

Good luck to the singlets moving into new homes, it's exciting, fresh new beginnings, starting from scratch, stressful as it will be, how lovely it will be to put your own stamp on your own space.. and the only person to please is yourselves! Id send you a pot plant if I could

Got my babies here with me tonight after 3 nights without them and I'm pooped! They're so messy and noisy and high maintenance.. I've missed them so much! I'm not sure what to be when they aren't with me, I'm always mum at home, manager at work, scrape up what was left to be wife or partner.. never had time for me really. I have no interests, no social life.. mum, manager, partner. That's been me for nearly 16 years, I don't even know how to start creating this new seperate entity.. man free, free time on her hands Tatoes

@mildlymiffed Hi. I have all my budgets set up on spreadsheets, including what I need to put away every month for things like Xmas and MOTs etc.

Other paperwork I shove in a box file and file it away at the end of the year. So one file per year. All stuff like birth certificates in a separate file. And then downstairs I have a file with 12 sections. If I have an appointment in March, I put the letter in that months holder, along with prewritten and stamped birthday cards to be sent that month (I do them all in January for the year as I am a lazy cow).

Not that organised but works for me. So much stuff still needs to be kept as hard copies so that's how I do it.

@Elizaeliza Welcome! Oof that sounds like a stressful year. On the downside selling your house sucks, on the upside it means you get to choose somewhere for you and you alone, with no memories to haunt you.

I can relate to the friendships changing after the split. It can be a bit lonely, but then I felt lonely being married to my ex in a much worse way. At least now there is a reason for it.

Glad you are feeling liberated

@Taetoes Welcome! YOU sound awesome. It's a hell.of a lot to go from being part of a couple for half your life to being single. But after two months you are already finding ways to cope with the bad days, and take joy in the good ones - that's bloody impressive!

@KitKatBox Interesting what your counsellor said about walls. I think I would be asking her how, in light of the fact you don't want a relationship, they differ from boundaries? Does it depend on whether the counsellor approves or not?

You are doing what is right for you, and that's ok

@Misty9 and @Mildlymiffed - glad you two are getting this moving malarkey sorted. You both sound kind of invigorated after your fresh starts.

I am a fellow Luddite too - it's a bit crap but I manage. My 66 year old mum is a tech whizz so I can ask her if needs be

@Taetoes Well, what did you always fancy doing when you were a kid? Where did you want to go, and what did you want to do in your life?

I sat down and racked my brains and wrote a kind of bucket list. What would you want to achieve if you knew you only had 5 or 10 years left? Identify them and you can work towards them.

You get to completely reinvent yourself and that's such a gift. Not many people do get that chance. So, who do you want to be that you think your kids will find awesome? You can do this. We can cheerlead for you

We talked about that a bit SirChing. She suggested that obviously I didn’t need to think about a relationship but I could a) have fun, 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don’t need fun from a flirty man and b) form friendships, ditto.

I am happy with my walls, shutters, boundaries.

I feel like I am running on empty emotionally and really don’t need anything else to deal with.

Very windy here today, I am going to a local NT/EH place with DD for a walk, look around.

@KitKatBox I used to do that, put walls and shutters up and whatever was left I’d neatly box.
Then all those boxes started coming tumbling down under their own weight. And the isolation provided by my very thick walls didn’t let anything in or out.
I became an expert at that, I wasn’t even fooling myself everything is fine, I really thought it’s ok, this is how it is, march on.
I left no crack on show. Got myself ‘together’.

That move proved to be crap, because my self made blinkers drive me straight to a wall and I repeated the familiar patterns.

Have you read Brenee Brown’s ‘Daring greatly’? Try it :)

I am not saying you should think of a relationship, god no, I know exactly where you’re coming from with that. Take your time. But don’t add bricks to the wall 🤗

One of my most cherished ‘possessions’ is a notebook with all my finances from when I split up with exH and it shows how I paid my debts, saved, budgeted, I wrote down every penny. Solicitor fees, my £500 deposit to reserve the plot my house was being built on...everything. It’s been a journey. An amazing one at that :)

I have the weekend without DD. I am working this morning for a few hours, I’m coming home to walk the dog at lunch time, I’m planning a run this afternoon followed by a bath and a nap. And tonight I’m going out out, for cocktails with a friend.
I’ve been doing RED January, exercises every day for the whole month. It’d be nice to wear something else but gym gear, blow dry my hair and put some nail varnish on. Oh, and make up. And have a lie in!!! It’s been a bit hectic trying to fit everything in.
Having said that, I decided to start training for 10K, it would be really really nice if I could manage to do it in under and hour.

And tomorrow I’m taking it easy. Swim and sauna in the morning, potter around town in the afternoon for a bit:)
What are you guys up to? :)

Thanks Buddha I will have a look.

I am really open and friendly, I just don’t want to start anything that might be misunderstood

I have got really nice working relationships with male colleagues/consultants. Much mutual respect and we manage to have a laugh and consider each other - they are not flirty threats though are they? So any one of them could become a proper friendship. I head up a small organisation which makes friendships tricky at work in some respects. But that’s ok.

I was surprised at the ‘fun’ comment - not quite sure what that was about tbh but I don’t want anything that leads to fun with a flirty stranger. Not who I am.

Friendships - fine, could do with more of those here - but again in the same context as the flirty stranger am still 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Maybe my counsellor would ‘have had fun’ with said flirty man in her younger days - maybe she is made very different to me.

I just don’t want or need a casual fling/quick shag! Not me and no headspace for it.

Hey loves!! Just popping in to wish you a happy weekend :)

I scan my documents with Dropbox on my phone, it's magical!

Hopeless with money but do a check in once a month to see how much i have, how much is due in (self employed) and how much I need to panic 😂

@undercoveraessedai I have drop box! I can do this... and I can also scan at work or take photos on my phone. All do-able! Happy weekend to you too. DS is at a party and I've been selling stuff via Facebook marketplace and now off to the dump. Living my best life!

@KitKatBox I get what you mean. I work in a male industry and spend a lot of time managing my very male teams. I have no idea if they're married or not. We have a laugh and stuff, but thats it. Life isn't not fun, just because you don't have a bloke in tow!

Well my peace of mind didn't last long...although hopefully it'll be back. I'm away with friends staying in a luxury woodland lodge with a hot tub. It sounds amazing. It is amazing. But I'm feeling out of sorts. They're all married and I feel...different. Alone. Urgh. Stupid brain it takes time. I know. I'm just impatient! And it's easy for me to think that a man will make that feeling go away, but I know it's not really the solution.

@Misty9 It means a man is definitely not the solution. Time to get comfy and feel enough exactly as you are. Because you ARE enough. You don't need a man to validate you. And I bet some of the relationships that your friends are in aren't that great.

Is it all married couples there or friends who happen to be married? If it's the former, then can you take a mate next time? If it's the latter, remember that they have to share the bed with farting, snoring men who are incapable of finding things and lots of whom want mothering. Bleurgh!

Sorry I should have clarified - it's us women only here but they're all coupled up. We're a fantastic friendship group and they've kept me afloat over the last year, I just feel discombobulated today for some reason. I've had a quite high stress week so it's perhaps the comedown from that.

But I agree, a man isn't the solution.

It would be more weird if you weren't discombobulated at the moment. You have had some big changes and life stress. Plus you are somewhere new. It will get easier as time goes on, honestly.

Get them to tell you about the worst habits of their other halves. Once you have stopped laughing, the relief will be palpable

@misty9 - as sirching says- you are most definitely enough. You don't need a partner to define you. You are you- a whole entity! And you're amazing 🙂!

Some of them will have been in situations which were intolerable. Some won't have chosen to leave because being by yourself takes courage. But you've got that by the barrel load. Now relax, and let yourself enjoy the company of your friends, in the knowledge that you are a really strong person! A whole person in her own right!

@mildlymiffed well said! @misty9, listen to @mildlymiffed**. Very wise words

I have moved house! And now have wi fi once more! I do feel slightly pathetic that I had to use XP and DS2 to help with some of the big heavy furniture though. But I have the upper body strength of a flatworm, and XP has a sacktruck, so I thought it was worth compromising my 'woman can do all' principles.

Well done Zaphod , enjoy your new home. Pleased you had help - I will raise a glass to you in your new home tonight (definitely need it after parenting a stroppy teen and my financial settlement being turned down again by the court!).

@Zaphodsotherhead congratulations!!! Whoop whoop! I had to borrow other people's husbands! Yay to new houses. May they be our sanctuaries, and only harbour good feelings 🏠 💕

Have a great week one and all. I need another weekend- now! Am shattered. Batch cooked up a frenzy today. Literally haven't sat down. Let's hope work treats me well this week, as I am running a little on empty 💤

@Zaphodsotherhead congratulations! I believe the expression re getting others to help is "why have a dog and bark yourself"?

I HATE emptying my bin, so it's something that I get my ex to do when he comes round (he is here roughly every other day or so). Its too heavy for me as I have fibromyalgia. In fact, he just does it now without me asking when he turns up I feel zero shame about this. I did loads of "wifework" for him for years so it's payback time.

I wish you lots of happiness and positivity in your new home

@KitKatBox commiserations on the teen and the financial settlement. I am just sorting my FS and the solicitor says we may have to go to court just so the judges can see that we are both happy with the agreement, as we are only using my one solicitor them splitting the costs. They want to make sure neither of is are being coerced apparently. Its a ballache but hey ho!

@mildlymiffed hope you have a restful week. You haven't finished batch cooking though - my freezer is looking pretty empty. What time shall I expect you?

Thank you for the good wishes on my new housing! I've been renting for the last twenty six years, luckily with a great landlord and able to stay in the same house for all those years. Now I've downsized massively, but this little place is all mine and adorable!

I defintely don't want a man around in here. He'd be under my feet all the time! The dog is bad enough.

Hooray for no more rent Zaphod! Men do take up too much space. My house is still full of my exes furniture and stuff belonging to my exH. I dont mind the latter so.mucj but have emailed.my ex and told him to.move the furniture by the end of March and pay back the 1.5k he owes me. Is that harsh?

SirChing - mine has been rejected twice without a hearing, we are agreed. I am sick of it!

Good morning everyone.

I can't believe it missed this thread. I will be jumping in too if that is okay.

I had a recent thread on this board, ended my relationship last week. Before this relationship I was married for 20 years, although i was 'single' ie separated for a fair few years was only officially divorced for 2 months before meeting exdp.

Anyway just over a year in the relationship I saw the same red flags and ended it. It was tough. I am still feeling a bit down about it, i think also as he has been in contact and i am the bad guy in everything. I wasn't really interested in getting into a relationship then, it sort of (what I thought) just happened. I see now that when we met he put a lot of pressure on me to be in a relationship, he just didn't like it when I held back, he had a lot of say about me not wanting to commit and that sort of thing. I do not see myself getting into another relationship at all. I was pretty happy being single before that, although times I missed human touch etc, but generally I was ok.

So that is why I am here.

Haven't told many people irl, not even my family yet as i just don't want to go all the whys right now. I have a friend whom i told. I love her to bits but she is a bit self centered. She too is recently divorced, and will take any opportunity to swing the conversation around to her woes every time. So I don't know why I bothered telling her really as she was less than supportive, just said oh you dodged a bullet and that was that. I sent her a 30 min voice note! And that was the response haha.

Ok now that I got that off my chest.

I am coming up to 50 soon, have two dc who are my life (this was part of dp's issues) as we have been through hell and back together so we have this special bond that some people just do not get or understand. They are late teen and early 20s and both facing their new challenges this year with uni etc. Which is great, I feel that I got them both to this point practically single handed (they don't have much contact with their father) so I am proud of where they both are and will continue to support them.

I have read most of the posts, and glad to have found you all.