I'm scared I have made the wrong decision

[Tenetenba]

I ended my 20 year marriage 6 months ago.
I had been unhappy for so so long. We had no life to speak of together and were so far apart. He was devastated but soon turned angry and any contact I or the kids have had with him has been unpleasant and if im honest, verbally abusive.

Why then do I miss him ? Its not getting better its getting worse ? I havent done any of the things I thought would do once seperated, I havent made any of the changes , its like i am just sitting waiting for him to come home. I catch myself thinking I wonder what he will think when he sees this/when I tell him this etc.
I feel worse now then when we were together ?? But I was so unhappy. I cringed when he came near me, I hated his point of view on most things and I certainly hated his drug habit.

The kids have made it clear they would not want him to return but I miss him so much.
It took everything not to text him last night. And yet the last text he sent me was a rant about how I messed up the kids lives and I have caused them long term problems by destroying their family.

I honestly think there is something wrong with me. I read posts on here about women who are so relieved and happy. I dont feel any of that. What if im unhappy with me and it was never him at all ?
He told me when he left that he had always loved me and would never ever have left me. What if ive thrown away the only person that ever will.
I am disgusted with myself.

Give yourself a break
Two decades is such a long time, of course you still think of him sometimes even when it doesn't sound like he was a good husband to you. Make a list of all the reasons you ended it that you can look at.
Be happy this year

It's just grief. It's normal to have a period of adjustment before things get better.

I escaped abuse and I didn't immediately feel relieved and happy like I expected. I felt broken. Most do.

You can't start processing all the crap he put you through while you're still trying to survive it, so it all just you at once when you're safe/free. Once you've had a chance to heal the relief and happiness arrives.

Someone who loved you wouldn't have treated you how he did or how he is now.

I have a list I look at all the time.
I feel like the things on the list just arent enough anymore.

I am in a constant state of panic that I have thrown away the only person that will ever love me.
He was difficult and an arse and selfish but It was familiar and I knew it.

You are going through the normal stages of letting go. Its grief you are dealing with. Its perfectly normal to see the past relationship with rose coloured glasses after a while. This will pass, I promise you. I can also promise you if you went back you would run for the hills within a week. You left for a good reason, never forget that. Now is the time to grieve the loss, accept these weird feelings and know they will pass.

It takes time 💐

I am trying. Even though I'm a growm bloody woman in her 40s this was my first and only relationship. I can't believe I was ever so stupid as to think I would get over it quickly.

I suppose the only thing worrying me is that because its the first time what if what Im feeling isnt just grief, what if i really DO still love him and want him back ?
I feel like a teenager.
I just want to call him, giving in and letting him home os so much easier then this constant feeling of sick and misery.

20 years! It's all you've known. No wonder you feel adrift and miss the familiarity, especially with the wanker verbally abusing you.
However it's crystal clear both your children and you will be so much better without arsehole in your lives. Stick with it please!

I think you need to recognise he has ground you down and left you probably with little confidence. You may feel your self worth only deserves him. You need to give yourself time to recover and you are vulnerable right now especially as the first few months will be the hardest.

Especially hard if the bully in him is out in full throttle. Your brain naturally knows that this will stop if you
Go back to him. BUT BUT BUT you
Have to stay away from this man for the sake of your children. You have to protect your children and whenever you doubt anything just think of their little faces and how a life with him could manifest into major problems for your children and right through to their adult life.

You are teaching your children that they should not tolerate this kind of person and it is the RIGHT example to set.

Just do a bit of self-care right now :
Pat your self on the back
Look in the mirror and talk kindly to yourself
Surround yourself with some strong kind voices

And well done by the way Xx

Maybe worth seeing a counsellor to figure out if it is yourself you’re unhappy with. But 20 years is a long time to be with someone it will take time

I totally agree with ohwheniknow. You cannot process what your going through while your trying to survive it. I've been exactly where u are, I left a 20 year marriage on suspicions of an affair I never got confirmation of that but I just knew in my gut that everything about him annoyed me. Very negative boring etc etc. So I looked back with them rose tinted glasses and thought life would be so much easier with him in it I still love him he's my soul mate. Made contact had the conversation moved back in and I knew within 24 hours I had made a mistake! Because guess what all the things that annoyed me in the first place were still there! And then 2 weeks in I got confirmation of a 5 year affair. Hell and back doesn't even begin to cut it! But by god that man has ruined my life but as I told him yesterday I will claw it back! Trust your gut because mine was so so right.

I was with my ex for 15 years and still have occasional thoughts about wanting to be back together.
I think it's natural to crave what was familiar but I remind myself that I'm missing the man I thought he was, and the future I thought we had together.
Neither is actually possible or viable anymore but of course they feel 'safer.'
It's only been 6 months so give yourself a break. It takes time. Can you do some things that would not have been possible in the relationship? I redecorated and took up hobbies he wouldn't have supported. It helped.

I think you are being hard on yourself. It was only 6 months ago and it was 20 years - you cant pick yourself after that long in a short time. You are grieving for the marriage, not him. Dont get the two things confused.

It took me a good year to start to feel better after a 14 yr marriage. Keep yourself busy, exercise is great for emotional stress. Do not text him you will just undo the progress of the last 6 months... keep going and remember why you were unhappy...be kind to yourself

You are mourning the loss of a relationship and that takes time, even if the relationship was miserable. You were together 20 years! It is going to take you a but of time to start to move on and build yourself up again.

Thinking about him isn't love any more than endlessly thinking about cigarettes when you have given them up is love of cigarettes. He was a habit. A toxic one.

Doesn't mean it isn't hard to break the habit. But it is still worth it.

Hes text me today and told me I've " ripped his heart out and turned him into a cold hearted ct that feels nothing.
He says I must never have cared if I removed him from his kids.
He's also told me that " I had better like the next ct I'm with as he'll put him in a wheelchair over nothing"

I'm actually devastated. I hate that I've caused him pain. But I'm also aghast that I have feelings for someone who can send messages like that?
Are they abusive?

I want him back to alleviate my shitty feelings, but I know we wouldn't work. The eldest dc don't want him here, I can't support his addiction and it just won't work. But I miss him.
I'm so so messed up.
I need help

Imagine taking him back. Today.

Then imagine a month, two months along when he's back doing the same shit that, and you're back in a miserable sad marriage. How will you feel then ?

You dont want him back. You're just scared. Totally normal. Dont panic and dont have knee jerk reactions. They are based on irrational fears and you know it. You haven't thrown away the only person who will ever love you! That's dramatic OP. You have removed yourself from a relationship that was making you so so bloody miserable. Good on you.

Give yourself time.....a year at least.....these are early, painful, scary days but they WILL pass. Your DCs dont want him back and that speaks volumes about him. Stand firm. Let him rant. You will be ok. You will move on from this. You haven't made a mistake you've just made a brave choice. X

You hit the nail on the head already.

He is the familiar and you're in new territory with the unknown ahead.

Don't go back because you will likely end up here again but more battered and pessimistic.

You haven't made the wrong decision. Those texts are appalling. Would you want your daughter to receive those from her husband?

It's what you're used to, 20 years is a long time and you're putting a lot of pressure to be 'over' it.

Sometimes relationships take YEARS to get over. As this was your only one, you might not know this. Are you in counselling? Can you try to reach out to your GP? The freedom programme? Charities like Relate? Sounds like you need a handhold as you recover. Do you have friends, family you can talk to?

He sounds totally irredeemably awful and I can promise you that he's not your only shot at love. He's verbally abusive for one

"I had better like the next c**t I'm with as he'll put him in a wheelchair over nothing"

Ooh, you're 'ard, sunshine.

You don't really want to be with someone who makes threats like that, do you, OP?

Your children don't want him home. That's the thing you need to focus on.

Your children don't want to live with their dad.

You haven't caused him pain. You've made him angry.

He is outraged that you took responsibility and made a decision for yourself. You weren't supposed to do that. He was supposed to have worn you down.

Saying he would never have left doesn't mean he loves you. It just means that he liked the status quo.

Its meaningless.

And an angry man who makes threats? Really? You dont really want to be with him, do you?

With a lack of info in the OP about what he was like I was just mulling over the possibility that he wasn't that bad and maybe you should give things another chance (although the children not wanting him back says a lot) when you told us about the texts. And now I can see why he had to go. I suspect you are probably scared/lonely/bored which is making you miss him, maybe even flattered by the strength of his emotions. But as PPs have said, if you get back together you will quickly regret it, you deserve better than him.

Trauma bonding.