I'm scared I have made the wrong decision

[Tenetenba]

I ended my 20 year marriage 6 months ago.
I had been unhappy for so so long. We had no life to speak of together and were so far apart. He was devastated but soon turned angry and any contact I or the kids have had with him has been unpleasant and if im honest, verbally abusive.

Why then do I miss him ? Its not getting better its getting worse ? I havent done any of the things I thought would do once seperated, I havent made any of the changes , its like i am just sitting waiting for him to come home. I catch myself thinking I wonder what he will think when he sees this/when I tell him this etc.
I feel worse now then when we were together ?? But I was so unhappy. I cringed when he came near me, I hated his point of view on most things and I certainly hated his drug habit.

The kids have made it clear they would not want him to return but I miss him so much.
It took everything not to text him last night. And yet the last text he sent me was a rant about how I messed up the kids lives and I have caused them long term problems by destroying their family.

I honestly think there is something wrong with me. I read posts on here about women who are so relieved and happy. I dont feel any of that. What if im unhappy with me and it was never him at all ?
He told me when he left that he had always loved me and would never ever have left me. What if ive thrown away the only person that ever will.
I am disgusted with myself.

Tenetenba
Just to say I know exactly how you feel. Before I split with my abusive ex I read loads of posts here by people who said it was an instant relief, everything was rainbows and unicorns etc etc. That's not what I've found at all, but you have made the right decision. It is really tough I know but stick with it. Your self esteem will be rock bottom after 20 years of being ground down so if you can access counselling that might really help.
Men like this do not change so do not go back to him. My ex got a shiny new life on the rebound but it has all gone wrong for him and Im so glad I dont have to live with him anymore.

Just an update.
I've heard that he's met someone and is dating.
Its early days but he's seen her a few times and apparently she has kids.
He hasn't seen or messaged his own kids since the 2nd of January apart from a flurry of messages to dc2 this weekend where he was telling her he's off to Italy this summer.

I actually dont know what to feel.
All I can think of are good times and how he used to compliment me etc but then that's at odds with the person who has been nothing but abusive and manipulative since he left.
The last message he sent me was this:
I will destroy the next fucker you are with, don't care if it's my brother. I will deal with the prick one way or another, just one wrong look, one raised voice to my kids. Watch, it's not a threat, it's what WILL happen.

So why, on earth, would I miss that.......
I am seriously messed up.

you need to report his threats to the police, do the Freedom Programme, block him on every avenue possible and prob get some counselling. And an STI test.

He used to compliment you? Is your bar really set so very low that all you need is that?

Pity his poor new victim. And thank your lucky stars he is gone.

you need to tell him not to contact you about anything other than arranging to contact kids, plainly and clearly. Then the next text, and I am sure there will be one, you need to report to the police, along with all the others. These are clearly threats and the police need to act on it.
Tiy need to go completely no contact, stop reading his vile messages.

Honestly op this is so bad I actually think uou need to contact the police. This man is a serious abuser and he's threatening. I am beyond shocked he asked his own daughter if you were fucking men.

You need to call the police to stop him contacting you and phone women's aid, to help uou understand why you're thinking being abused is better than not being abused.

Clearly living with an abuser has taken its toll, but he didn't love you. He never loved you. Abuse is not love.

I too think you should report his messages to the police. He is threatening you and is trying to keep you under his control.

And he's out there actively looking for his next victim to move in with, targeting women with kids, women he can move on to abuse.

You need to contact the police and take out a restraining order against him.

Please don't underestimate how bad this is, call women's aid. You need help.

Ok. Thank you

Oh god op, what are you going to do ? You're not going to go back to your abuser are you?

I'm hazarding a guess he had some kind of income when you were together (and still does) just not one you'd declare to HMRC?

You'd be an absolute fool to take him back and you'd ruin your relationship with your kids forever.

I'm absolutely not going to take him back. My eldest daughter would struggle with that and I would lose her. Not only that, I don't want him around them. The things he has said, the messages he has sent them have damaged them already.
Plus how could I ever lay down in bed and be intimate with someone who has literally threatened me.

I struggle with my thoughts and feelings. I'm sad I still feel this way but I am trying so hard to fix myself.
I'm having counselling and I've signed up for the freedom programme. I feel fraudulent though. It's so hard to get my head around the fact this is abuse. I was never beaten or anything and that is what I guess I imagine abuse to be.
I know I'm a mess.

Sweetheart, it's not fraudulent. There are many forms of abuse; coercive control, financial etc.. It's not all about beatings.

The guy is a bully, the way he is speaking is vile. Please do not believe what he says. Keep doing the self-help stuff and yes report the messages, he's a nasty bully.
Stay strong, don't ever apologise, you are not in the wrong here xx

It's not fraudulent, abuse doesn't have to be physical,you know this deep down, he's abusive. Highly so. He's abusing you and your children, repeatedly and consistently.

I'm glad you're not taking him back, for all your sakes, and you will get through it and one day look back and think WTAF was I thinking.

It's hard for some people to leave their abusers, the abuse breaks them down, they see it as some form of warped love, the damage that's done to them mentally stops them understanding the difference. And it's not till they get clear space they under stand.

One day you'll meet someone else, and you'll learn again what love is. Feeling wanted, cared for, cherished, safe, being with someone who supports you, who would not hurt you, would not hurt your children.

I can't imagine ever being with anyone else to be honest. Despite everything and all the horrendous things he says and does I can't help thinking if the children were not around I would probably return.
Actually thats not true. I would want him to be back but different, so really thats not him at all and I guess ive answered my own question.
The him i imagine was never real in the first place.

The kids have made it clear they would not want him to return

This speaks volumes. Most kids want their parents to reconcile.

Yours don't...ask yourself why. Or ask them... that should tell you everything.

I'd let him know you're reporting his threat and then request email only contact and block him.

He doesn't care about you or his

children...it's all about him.

I'm glad you're going to counselling. It's a good idea.

So not accept texts from him. Arrangements for the children, divorce etc need to go through a third party. Write down the worst things about him and every time you wobble take a look at the list.

The him i imagine was never real in the first place.

Please keep remembering this.x

Have your DC got any help/counselling? If not see if they can get some through their schools.
Just being able to let their feelings out somewhere where they are not going to feel disloyal or as if they are going to upset anyone. Her really is doing a number on them.

No they haven't had counselling. Eldest doesn't want to discuss it, doesn't even want to acknowledge his existence really. She can't forgive him asking dc3 about who he would like to live with, and telling him mummy is a lying, heartless catholic ( ?)
Dc2 is starting to get down about it as she just wants a normal relationship with him.

No texts for a few days but apparently hes been out and about seeing people, socializing, while I wonder if I can afford the gas on.

I text him. I bloody text him.
I had a huge panic attack at 4am and he was always so good and so understanding at helping me through them.
So this morning I text asking how he was and whether his new medication was working.
He replied " oh I'm just great ! Why are you asking, what do you care ?"
I panicked and didnt know what to say to that so I didn't reply.
He's text this evening saying" that's what I thought, so do me a favour and leave me alone, the way you've treated me we will never have a , how are you, type of relationship. "

I feel so stupid.
I hurt him texting, which was pointless. And I've set myself back again.
Everytime I struggle and the feelings get overwhelming I just want him back to make me feel better.

Oh I've been where you are.

Do not text him again. If you're feeling panicked post on here, I'm sure there will always be someone about to talk to you.

It's really hard in the early days of a separation. But it will get easier, you can move on and you can do this. Report his threats and don't text him, don't give him the satisfaction of thinking you need him.

I know you're right. I really have no right to text him. Its not fair.
I need to start filling the gap with stuff for me. I can't carry on like this

The only person it's not fair on is you. Not him, for your own self esteem don't make any unnecessary contact with him.

You said he has been abusive to your children and they have told you they don't want him back.
He's a druggie.

I'm afraid (to be very harsh), you don't get to have him back. No matter how much you want it.
Because your children come first and he has already caused them psychological harm. They have told you they don't want him there.
You need to think of them. Not him.