I'm scared I have made the wrong decision

[Tenetenba]

I ended my 20 year marriage 6 months ago.
I had been unhappy for so so long. We had no life to speak of together and were so far apart. He was devastated but soon turned angry and any contact I or the kids have had with him has been unpleasant and if im honest, verbally abusive.

Why then do I miss him ? Its not getting better its getting worse ? I havent done any of the things I thought would do once seperated, I havent made any of the changes , its like i am just sitting waiting for him to come home. I catch myself thinking I wonder what he will think when he sees this/when I tell him this etc.
I feel worse now then when we were together ?? But I was so unhappy. I cringed when he came near me, I hated his point of view on most things and I certainly hated his drug habit.

The kids have made it clear they would not want him to return but I miss him so much.
It took everything not to text him last night. And yet the last text he sent me was a rant about how I messed up the kids lives and I have caused them long term problems by destroying their family.

I honestly think there is something wrong with me. I read posts on here about women who are so relieved and happy. I dont feel any of that. What if im unhappy with me and it was never him at all ?
He told me when he left that he had always loved me and would never ever have left me. What if ive thrown away the only person that ever will.
I am disgusted with myself.

Twenty years of every moment of the day being all about Him and his opinions, wants, addictions, threats? You've got a bloody great gaping hole the size of Brazil in your life. Now he's only abusing you with text messages and threats to take your youngest DC away and attempt to murder anybody who comes near you - you're spending far less time being abused than when he was there all day and night, probably an hour or so a day, rather than 24 of the things.

What you need is something to fill that space, so you aren't waiting for the next cascade of abuse from him.

I'd suggest that you a) get a new phone with a new number, b) leave him ranting at the other one, as the messages will be extremely useful in any future court proceedings, such as residence or a non molestation order, by putting it on silent and shoving it in a drawer somewhere and c) go somewhere else for a bit each day, as rattling round in the house waiting for the next bit of abuse is going to emphasize that you are alone and that his drug addled, enraged words are of more importance than you doing things that provide distraction, comfort, joy and make it possible for you to form human connections with nice people/people that are not him.

I havent done any of the things I thought would do once seperated, I havent made any of the changes , its like i am just sitting waiting

You've had some really good advice about reasons not to cave in and take him back.

Can I ask why are you still in contact with him? Your children live with you so can you block him on your phone and send him an email if you need to discuss your children?

What are the things that you said you was going to do? What are the changes that you haven't made that you want to change?

Write it all down in this thread so you can refer back to it and we can help you make a plan to and stick to the changes.

Op I’m in the same boat. Only we weren’t married and it was 10 years instead of 20. But these feelings are raw and they hurt.

Have you had/can you afford any counselling? I ended a 13 year relationship at the end of the summer, and in the run up to doing so had had about three months of counselling (on my own, after he refused to engage with me). It meant that by the time i ended things, i felt quite sure I was making the right decision - though the run up to breaking up was awful. I wasn't sleeping, drinking too much, and lost half a stone. It might help do some of this emotional processing in a counselling room post-break up if you can find the time and money.

For what it's worth, even though I know i made entirely the right decision, I do miss him sometimes - but I've been able to recognise recently that what i'm missing is a shared history, not who he is now (or who 'we' were, because I feel like an entirely different person these days).

Thanks so much everyone.
I have read and re-read the messages here today.

I had lots more text messages yesterday, mainly about killing anyone that ever comes near me and making it so my youngest is terrifed of anyone I ever meet. He also made a short phone call to DC2 asking her some initially innocent questions about some of his tools in the outhouse but then swiftly asked her" I suppose mum has been f***g men down there "! I am horrified he has asked his teen dd this and so was she.

@NurseButtercup I am still in contact by phone as we have three children and I felt initially that we should have contact so he could arrange visits etc. However, he has said " They know where I am if they want me " and hasnt made ANY arrangements to visit them at all. He hasnt paid a penny since he left and says that I put myself in this position so its my problem. So really I guess I have no reason to contact him.

I wanted so much to be fre of this and I am everywhere except my head. I guess you are all right and its just time.

It's not only 'only 6 months' it's also 'just after Christmas' when you just know that everyone else is playing happy families and there you are on your first Christmas at home alone, with your kids.

I have lived alone for over 30 years, there are still times around Christmas when I wonder if I did the right thing 30 odd years ago. I come up with a very quick YES these days, but certainly, whilst the children were young, I struggled at Christmas, felt guilty for the kids, for him (when he lived alone and, unlike me, hated it - and me for 'causing' it).

You split up with him 6 months ago, so by the time you got your head half way round the split we were going down hill into winter with the nights drawing in, always a harder time to start new things.

If he loved you and (or even or) the kids, he would not be behaving in this way.

I don't think you love him or miss him. You are feeling a bit lost, you have just got through your first Christmas as a single parent family and you are struggling to see a way forward but having him around would not improve things in any way, shape or form.

Think about some of the things you hoped to do when he was gone and then just pick one that you can start to plan to do. Don't worry about actually doing it yet, just start planning and dreaming and eventually you will start to make the moves and get there.

I have recently ended a 21 year relationship. I know a bit how you feel. I haven't done anything yet either.
I miss him sometimes too,
However, when he is in my house...I can't wait for him to leave.
Are you sure its not just the idea of him that you miss.

Just to add, that he's saying such things to your daughter... Suggests you have made the right decision

The kids have made it clear they would not want him to return but I miss him so much

Who comes first OP; you are the kids??

The kids certainly seem to know who "messed up their lives" and judging by the above they don't think it's you.

It's time to stop listening to the shite spilling from this fuckwits mouth and start looking with logic at what in reality has happened for it to get this point.

Read up on trauma bonds if possible.

This guy is a horror show, and if he continues this threatening behaviour I'd be contacting the police.

You are better off without him--I promise you that.

However you're still grieving a huge change in your life. This is the only relationship you've known, so of course you might think that no one else could love you. Well, the silver lining of planetary overpopulation is there's plenty fish in the sea. But what's more important right now, I think, is cultivating a habit of self-love. I know it sounds cheesy, but honestly, learning to love yourself helps you see through bullshit behaviour like this. If loving yourself is a bit much right now, start with being kind to yourself. You certainly shouldn't be 'disgusted' with yourself for ditching this abusive arsehole.

That frozen deer in the headlights feeling will go but you have to separate the fact from the fiction.

You need to stay strong Op. Hard I know but these feelings will pass. 6 months is no time at all. You are breaking a habit, like smoking or drinking in a way and you're craving something you know logically is not good for you. Keep going - clarity will come and you will be so proud of yourself for taking a different path and making a happier home for your kids. I promise you, a happiness that you thought for 20 years was out of your reach will be yours - it just takes a bit of time for the fog to clear.

When I felt like you do I made a list of good and bad about the relationship, I was socked at how difficult it was to think of what was good whereas the bad list was really long and had stuff that I couldn’t really believe I had accepted, eg abuse, etc. Stay strong OP, making the break is hard but things will get better

‘shocked’ not ‘socked’

block him on your phone.... also tell the dc they can as well if they want ... they can always unblock if they want to contact him...

those messages and what he said to your DD is vile......
I would suggest you do teh freedom programme and get some counselling you will have a lot to process over such a length of time

The DC attitude says it all.
They don’t want him back.
Time to rearrange life a little bit and start a new normal for you and DC.
Rearrange the furniture, get new bedding, change up the menu.
Give each DC a night to cook and pick a country for them to base their dish on.
Call a house meeting and ask everyone what they would like to change.
Use this house meeting to divvy up chores and cooking so not everything lands on you.
Good luck

Similar story to yours. I left an abusive marriage of 18 years with my 2 teenagers.
They didn't want me back with him and they have blocked him on their phones and social media.

He has brainwashed you. You are trauma bonded to him.

You need to detox this abuser out of your life.
Block and delete him.

Warn the police of the threats he is making.

Buy the book by Lundy Bancroft: Why does he do that?

Phone Women's Aid and see if you can do the Freedom Programme or do it online.

Refer yourself for some counselling.

Read about Cluster b personality types: Narcissists/lsychopaths/sociopaths

Read about codependency and boundaries.

You are addicted to him, it isn't love, it is trauma bonding. You need to love yourself more and believe that you can grieve the relationship and come out the other side, stronger and happier.

A big hand hold.

psychopaths *

He sounds AWFUL. What kind of father says those things to his children?! Disgusting. You’re all so much better without him. This feeling will pass

He has a drug habit.

He has turned verbally abusive.

Your children have said they don't want him to return.

It seems like you and the kids dodged a bullet, though it may not seem like it now.

Hang in there, OP. It will get better with time

After two years I am starting to feel better. It just takes alot of time.

what if i really DO still love him and want him back

My heart goes out to you OP. You sound such a dear soul.

I just want to say. You do love him. And you do want him back.

Love is a bond that can form between any two human beings, given enough time and the right circumstances. Sadly, those circumstances can include abuse - abuse can cause trauma bonds - and trauma bonds can create VERY strong feelings of attachment. Think Stockholm syndrome.

You probably do love him - because love isnt necessarily healthy, or good. Abused children love their abusive parents- very much. That doesnt make them sick or wrong headed, it simply makes them ordinary people. We are built to love even in miserable circumstances.

It's ok to love him. Love isnt magic, it's not a cosmic sign that you're meant to be together. It's simply a bond that forms between people in all sorts of circumstances, including those of abuse. It's a feeling and feelings are temporary. Given time, they do fade.

I'm 4 years out, from a relationship half the duration of yours. And you know what? At Christmas I had a cry for my ex. Does that make me sick or crazy? No it makes me a human being with regrets, love, sadness and grief. All normal things that all adults carry with them, having lived long enough.

Your ex sounds scary and I can't imagine how awful it was to be with him. I'm sorry that leaving him seems to currently feel even worse than the relationship did. It is going to get better though. You've been so so brave. Stick with your kids, tie yourself to the mast and wait for this storm to pass. Xx

He's an abusive prick!

You HAVE done the right thing. Your kiddos don't want him there either and no wonder! He IS abusive!

Can you go to women's aid or phone them, even for a bit of support?

20 years is a long time and you've likely formed an attachment - an unhealthy one - with him. This will take time to undo.

It has taken me nearly three years to feel ok about splitting from my abusive ex. We had 13 years together, most of my adult life, it's all I really knew. It can and will get better, but it will take time and you need to put yourself first and figure out how to live without him - it will be so much better in the long run, I promise you.

Ok, and I have just seen he's threatening to kill people who come near you, keep the texts and any other things he says as evidence. Even take screenshots and save them, put them someplace safe. Definitely go to women's aid for advice, please!