I'm scared I have made the wrong decision

[Tenetenba]

I ended my 20 year marriage 6 months ago.
I had been unhappy for so so long. We had no life to speak of together and were so far apart. He was devastated but soon turned angry and any contact I or the kids have had with him has been unpleasant and if im honest, verbally abusive.

Why then do I miss him ? Its not getting better its getting worse ? I havent done any of the things I thought would do once seperated, I havent made any of the changes , its like i am just sitting waiting for him to come home. I catch myself thinking I wonder what he will think when he sees this/when I tell him this etc.
I feel worse now then when we were together ?? But I was so unhappy. I cringed when he came near me, I hated his point of view on most things and I certainly hated his drug habit.

The kids have made it clear they would not want him to return but I miss him so much.
It took everything not to text him last night. And yet the last text he sent me was a rant about how I messed up the kids lives and I have caused them long term problems by destroying their family.

I honestly think there is something wrong with me. I read posts on here about women who are so relieved and happy. I dont feel any of that. What if im unhappy with me and it was never him at all ?
He told me when he left that he had always loved me and would never ever have left me. What if ive thrown away the only person that ever will.
I am disgusted with myself.

I'm sorry @Tenetenba for all you're going through.

I grew up with a father who sounds very like your ex, minus the unhingedness that comes from the weed. I mean, mainly absent and uninvolved, and when he was it was anger, disappointment, verbal abuse, and never being good enough.

I'm still in therapy at 31, and I'm now NC with him.

Please, get yourself referred for some counselling via the GP, or reach out to a charity like woman's aid or refuge for some therapy. You are obviously not coping, and you need to find a way to rebuild your strength, because your children are suffering right now. You should be stepping in and protecting them from the abuse they are receiving. I understand why you can't, I really do, but that's what needs to happen; you can't let your children make these choices, he's their dad and deep down they love him and so they are allowing him to abuse them. You have to be the one to put a stop to this.

Please, find your anger, block him from all your phones and insist all contact be about the kids only and via email that you check once a week. Report the threats of murder (?????) to the police, and get yourself some therapy. You are not responsible for his feelings, but you are responsible for your kids and they need you to step up. It might upset them right now, but in 15 years time they will be so grateful to you.

I mean this all with compassion and kindness; I just know somewhat what it's like to be that child and it is not good.

Just because he didn't hit you doesn't mean he didn't abuse you.

Paranoid about you going out?

Suspicious?

Again - why won't you report him to the police?

And a 15 year old deciding whether you should block him. You are the adult and the parent here! You need to sort this out.

I've been really strong. Haven't text have really tried to make an effort to change my mindset and bam....9am this morning at work and he texts me.

Asks me what to do with the photos of us smiling together on his PC. Tells me he wants to delete them as they are 20 years of bullshit. Then says he's coming round one last time to collect everything single thing he's ever owned and that if I get with someone new, that " cunt " can buy me a new bed.

Straight away I feel dreadful. Panicking. My heart goes, I feel sick. The guilt is overwhelming. I will NEVER EVER recover from this or what I've done.

He only wants you to react @Tenetenba, and he’s clearly achieving that. What do you mean, “what I have done”? You left a what’s very obviously an abusive man. You deserve to be treated well and he doing the very opposite of that.
Remind me, are you having counselling at all?

Again, tell the police. He’s irrationally angry and threatening to come over, you don’t know if it may escalate into violence as he’s made lots of threats. It’s abusive. Ask the police if they‘re arrange to chaperone him to collect his belongings as there is likely to be violence or a breach of the peace. If not, ask a trusted family member or friend to come over.

Also you are actually allowed to leave someone. You haven’t done anything wrong. He’s proving that you made the right decision if anything.

why haven't you blocked him? why haven't you gone to the police?

and I think you need to block him on your child's phone too.

I feel guilty ! I feel ridiculously guilty that actually given half the chance and he left me alone I could be happy!
I have the kids, the house, a good job and everything else.
He's moved back into his mother's front room and has no job, a chronic illness and a weed addiction.
I don't know why, but I feel like I've got off lucky , I could have a future now ! Yet he says he has nothing without me.
I'm so done feeling like this though I really am.
I am having counselling but I'm going to see if I can have an additional session tomorrow.
I want to stop feeling this!

You need to block him.

You need to report the threats to the police.

You need to stop putting him before your own children’s safety and well-being.

You need to protect your children.

His life being an absolute shambles is not your problem though, it’s a result of his own poor life decisions. At this point his lifestyle is not your concern, at all, that’s all on him and you shouldn’t feel guilty.

HE should feel guilty by ruining his life with a drug addiction and unemployment. He also sounds like he was awful to be around if the kids didn’t want him around either (and that was before his nasty texts.) The above has nothing to do with you breaking up with him as he was like this beforehand. He should be the one feeling guilty actually, for ruining your relationship.

You’re not the problem - he is. He has fuck all left so he’s trying to guilt trip you, don’t let him. He could have changed earlier and tried to be a better person - but he didn’t?

At least he has his mum to give him a place to stay, he’s not homeless.

Also I would have blocked him a long time ago. There’s no reason for you to open the lines of communication for him to constantly barrage you with nasty and abusive messages.

honestly - police and block him.

Sod the guilt.

And why you would feel guilty for him being an abusive prick is utterly beyond me.