I'm scared I have made the wrong decision

[Tenetenba]

I ended my 20 year marriage 6 months ago.
I had been unhappy for so so long. We had no life to speak of together and were so far apart. He was devastated but soon turned angry and any contact I or the kids have had with him has been unpleasant and if im honest, verbally abusive.

Why then do I miss him ? Its not getting better its getting worse ? I havent done any of the things I thought would do once seperated, I havent made any of the changes , its like i am just sitting waiting for him to come home. I catch myself thinking I wonder what he will think when he sees this/when I tell him this etc.
I feel worse now then when we were together ?? But I was so unhappy. I cringed when he came near me, I hated his point of view on most things and I certainly hated his drug habit.

The kids have made it clear they would not want him to return but I miss him so much.
It took everything not to text him last night. And yet the last text he sent me was a rant about how I messed up the kids lives and I have caused them long term problems by destroying their family.

I honestly think there is something wrong with me. I read posts on here about women who are so relieved and happy. I dont feel any of that. What if im unhappy with me and it was never him at all ?
He told me when he left that he had always loved me and would never ever have left me. What if ive thrown away the only person that ever will.
I am disgusted with myself.

He hasn't been the best dad. He wasn't involved and didnt participate with family stuff often when he was home. Occasionally we got him to do things when he felt well enough.
The abusive has been since he left in the form of manipulative text messages and on the few occasions he has seen them in the last 7 months he has said many inappropriate things about me and threatened to apply for custody of dc2 who is 8.
He has only picked them up twice in 7 months and seen them about 8 to 10 times in total when relatives have taken them too him.
He never calls them or keeps in touch.
He didnt see them at xmas and didn't buy them any gifts. He somehow made that my fault though.
I guess that constitutes abuse ?

And yes. He is addicted to weed. He smokes it all day, every day from the moment he wakes. It was the main reason he had to go. He says it gives him pain relief but its literally ALL day.
When I suggested him giving up would be something that would make me reconsider getting back together he replied " well that's that then"
In other words that will never happen.

OP, kids don't tell you they don't want their dad back if they are happy with him in the home.
One of your children wants nothing to do with him and you say wouldn't speak to you again of you took him back.
He was on drugs whilst 'parenting'.
He's verbally and emotionally abused them since splitting up.

So yeah, that's abuse.

You told him you'd consider getting back with him of he stopped taking drugs?
Stop giving him hope with comments like this and random text messages.

And OP, listen to your children!
They're seeing what you are not.

I cant do this. Someone suggested up thread I post on here rather then text or call him. I really want to call him today.

I went to the gp yesterday and got given propolonol for anxiety. I'm permanently on edge.
I haven't got up today, haven't gone into work, haven't taken my 8 year old to school.
All I can think is what a mess of lives I have made.
All I can remember is every memory I have from teens to now and they are all him.
My messages above make him sound awful but he was also so lovely to me.
The angry, manipulative abuse has been since we split, but it's still terrible.
I literally woke this morning and thought I cannot face another day of feeling this. I can't

@Tenetenba it was me who suggested posting on here instead of texting him and you've done just that. I don't think texting him will achieve anything and you're likely to get a load of verbal abuse from him if you do.
I've taken propranolol and it is good. Take one of those and find something to distract yourself for a little while. I've been where you are now and it does get easier.

Propanalol is a beta blocker and is brilliant for relieving the horrible symptoms of anxiety (heart racing etc) but because their action is to slow your heart right down please be very careful how you use them. Follow the instructions to the letter.

Your ex sounds very troubled indeed. I’m sorry you feel so conflicted about it being over but it is. His priority is weed, not his family. You’ve done the right thing and in time you will move on and feel better. In the meantime, be kind to yourself, make no sudden decisions and keep contact with ex to a bare minimum for the DC. Good luck and keep posting 💐

Hi OP please put your children first, they do not want him back.
I think you are codependent on him. Look up CODA - this is the pain you are feeling.
They have meeting or you can read literature on this.
Also look up the freedom programme.
He is abusive. Can you block him. If he left you alone you would be able to grieve for the end of your relationship.
You need to reduce contact.
He’s actually not saying he wants you - it’s the kids - they do not want him.
You wouldn’t want him if you’d had different experiences.
Be kind to yourself..

I separated with my ex husband six years ago now, we had three very small DC together but I felt exactly as you did- cringed when he came near me, couldn’t stand the sight of him, dreaded him returning home from work etc. I was relieved at first when he left but after a while started thinking I’d made a massive mistake. I definitely didn’t, it’s been six years and nothing about him has changed whatsoever, he still has no aspirations or drive.

He also text me lots of abuse for a few months after the split. I think he was hurting and lashing out, I just wanted to block his number but couldn’t because of the DC so often had to ignore it. Called me all the names under the sun, even accused me of taking drugs which I’ve never done and he knew it really. Just a massive dickhead. Still a bit of a dick but doesn’t give me that much grief anymore thank god.

It does get easier and you haven’t made a mistake, I promise.

Thank you. I haven't called or text today. I called my mum instead and she came over.
He's text dc2 though.
Told her he's going abroad for a holiday, driving to Holland in March apparently.
We've never taken the kids abroad. He always said he was too ill and didnt want me to take them alone as he would miss out on seeing their faces abroad or on a plane for the first time .

But now he's well enough to go
And to Holland of all places , I wonder what for !!!!!

Let him go to Holland!
You've made good progress today by not contacting him no matter how much you wanted to. You've distracted yourself and got through another day. It will get easier. Make plans to do something for you, something you maybe couldn't have done while you were with him.

You're doing well. Hang in there.

Give yourself time. I was single 3 years before I was fully ready to move on. Good luck.

Been avoiding phoning or texting by trying to do other things. Its hard though.

Exdh has been texting dc2 sending her pics of his nights out and telling her all of his summer holiday plans?? All things we never ever did together and part of the reason we separated!!
When he said he was planning to go abroad for a long amount of time he said it was so there was "a large distance between me and your mum"
When dc2 pointed out that also meant the distance was between them as well he said " blame that in your mum shes the one that threw me out! "

Ffs. Why does he blame him not seeing them on me ????

Because he can't blame it on himself. That would be to admit that he was wrong, and he can't admit that he was wrong--it takes emotional intelligence, humility, and self-awareness to do that, and it doesn't sound like he has any of that.

It would mean that he would have to be accountable for his behavior and his faults. He can't do that either.

Sure, he's upset. But a mature, healthy adult would not only reflect on what he did wrong but would also make a serious effort to continue a relationship with his children. Right now he's using his own kids to punish you. He wants to make them hurt so that it hurts you. He doesn't care that they're in pain--in fact, he prefers it, because it will make you feel bad.

That's not okay. It's not okay for you and it's really, really not okay for your kids. If your ex were slapping them in the face so that you would see them cry, you would know that it wasn't okay. This is the emotional equivalent of hitting your kids to hurt you.

I am glad you're getting counseling and medication. I would also really suggest that if he continues being abusive by text you talk to 101 or Women's Aid. What he's saying is a direct threat of violence, made in order to control you.

I'm really sorry.

Thank you @Nancydrawn that's made a lot of sense to me tonight.
It really is over.
Whether he loves/loved me or not how can he be so cruel to OUR children. I can't ever go back. I've really done this.

I'm glad I was helpful.

And while you're right that you've done this, I think you might be wrong about what you've done.

In my mind, what you've done is to draw a line in sand for decency, respect, and the safety of you and your kids. That's a really good thing to have done.

What you didn't do is to cause him to act like this. That's on him, not on you.

If I split with my husband tomorrow, he'd be hurt and angry. He might well even say unkind things about my personality or my decision. I am sure, though, that he would not make threats of violence against me or anyone I might one day love; he would not try to hurt my loved ones to hurt me; and he would not try to control me. Because while he's human, he's also a grown ass man.

What you did was to say enough. His reaction since is entirely on his own shoulders. You don't get to own that, any more than you would own it if he were the most gracious man in the world. That's his decision, and it's a shit one.

Please do get yourself as much support as you can in real life. This can't be easy, not least because he's been so much part of your life for so long. This means you have wonderful memories, I'm sure, that are hard to shake. It also means that he's had years to grind down your sense of self-worth until you feel like you don't deserve more than what he's willing or able to give.

Hes text me this morning.
Telling me again that I've destroyed him and that I don't love him.
He's asked me if there is anyone else involved that's made me do these hurtful things and if there is he'll be glad to " kerb stomp " them and do time for it.
He ended the message by saying " look after YOUR kids , dont make me kill a prick for being around them, pick wisely "...

My whole body goes into shock when I receive these. I re read them over and over trying to see some normal in them. I don't know how this has happened, how he has now turned into this ? As @Nancydrawn has said above I can understand a regular ex being hurt or angry, but this ??

Why haven't you reported this message to the police?

I don't know why ???
I worry it will make things worse?
Today he has text dc2 and told her I'm a prostitute and asked her if she has a new step dad yet !
He said if the new step dad steps out of line he will burn him.
Wtf ???
I spoke to dc2 and she said shes just ignoring these messages but it must be affecting her ?

Jesus Christ. Protect yourself and your children and contact the bloody police. The texts he’s sending are not normal, he’s threatening violence and intimidating you? He’s moved on and is dating but is apparently going to cripple anyone you date?

He is trash. Absolute trash. Bottom barrel scum. He is a shit dad, some of the things he has said to your children in reference to you is disgusting.

Do you think your daughter likes receiving these texts? She’s probably scared shitless that he’s actually going to carry out these threats as you’ve made ZERO steps to protect her or ask him to stop etc.

Your relationship is OVER. You have everything to lose by not contacting the police. He sounds unhinged and you’re still stuck under his thumb.

Hi oP.

I think the posters suggesting you call the police are right. He is harassing you. He is abusing you and your kids. The police have a specialist domestic abuse team who are experienced in dealing with these situations.

You are a nice person and so this is beyond your experience. Let them deal with it. You do not deserve this.
Please call them.

I have spoken to my dd. I have asked her if she wants me to block him or tell him to stop.
She ignores the abuse part of the conversation and usually replies to the limited normal conversation.
She has told me she wants to still speak to him as she's worried he will stop speaking to her completely if she calls him up on it.
She is 15.
He has already stopped calling or texting the other 2 and she is worried she'll get the same.
I don't want him saying these things to her but I suspect they are for my benefit anyway because he knows I check her phone and remove it at night.

Yesterday he said to her say hello to the boy if he still remembers me. If he doesn't then fuck him.
" the boy " is 8 ffs...

The part I dont understand. That I will never understand is why he has turned like this.
He was not like this when we were together. He never hit me. He never commented on my weight or appearance, he certainly never threatened me.
He was always paranoid and suspicious leading to me not going out etc and I suppose he has always had extreme paranoid views and been angry but it was never directed at me.
So him saying I've caused this resonates with me.

I must seriously need help because everyone in my life is aghast at these messages but I'm just seeing him as hurt.
Ffs..

He's no longer seeing the woman he dated apparently. I guess why I'm getting texts.

OP You really do need to report his threats. It is intimidation and harassment, and to be honest, a 15 year old is not (and should not have to be able to either!!!) able to deal with this type of behaviour from her father. It is setting her up to have major issues with what is acceptable behaviour. You say she is ‘ignoring the bad parts’. Well, she might not respond to them, but they will stick in her mind.
Do you really want her growing up to think this is ok? As @Rainbowqueeen suggested, contact the police’s domestic abuse team. You should find their details easily by going on your local police force’s website. Please deal with this today for your daughter’s sake. And your own, even though you don’t seem to see yourself as a victim here but somehow feel sorry for him!? Please realise he is being extremely abusive!