I'm scared I have made the wrong decision

[Tenetenba]

I ended my 20 year marriage 6 months ago.
I had been unhappy for so so long. We had no life to speak of together and were so far apart. He was devastated but soon turned angry and any contact I or the kids have had with him has been unpleasant and if im honest, verbally abusive.

Why then do I miss him ? Its not getting better its getting worse ? I havent done any of the things I thought would do once seperated, I havent made any of the changes , its like i am just sitting waiting for him to come home. I catch myself thinking I wonder what he will think when he sees this/when I tell him this etc.
I feel worse now then when we were together ?? But I was so unhappy. I cringed when he came near me, I hated his point of view on most things and I certainly hated his drug habit.

The kids have made it clear they would not want him to return but I miss him so much.
It took everything not to text him last night. And yet the last text he sent me was a rant about how I messed up the kids lives and I have caused them long term problems by destroying their family.

I honestly think there is something wrong with me. I read posts on here about women who are so relieved and happy. I dont feel any of that. What if im unhappy with me and it was never him at all ?
He told me when he left that he had always loved me and would never ever have left me. What if ive thrown away the only person that ever will.
I am disgusted with myself.

but It was familiar and I knew it.

Thats not love

That's being human and being scared of change

Don't make the mistake of longing for what you knew and calling it love

Just seen your 15:24 post. He's unhinged. Please stay away from him and have someone with you (an adult) when he calls round to the house

An ex of mine threatened me because he didn't want anyone else to have me. I used to think that was because he really loved me. What an idiot I was

Its not him that you miss. You built a life together, a home, children and a unit. A divorce is a life changing event.
You are still grieving that. You know deep down it was the right thing.
You miss the good bits, not him.

I really think a few sessions of counselling will help. Give yourself time. 6 months after 20 years together is still early days.

Please do the freedom programme alongside counselling and block him

You are strong OP
It will get better..speak to your friends.get counselling . Read books about abuse. Talk here. You will be ok.
What things do you have in your life now. Work ? Hobbies? How are the DC?
You're worth being RESPECTED.

Thank you all so much !
I will read and re-read.
My DC are ok I think. They seem happy and relaxed. EXDH was never physically absuive to them or even verbally ( much ?) I dont think. I mean he got very angry at times and was 100% paranoid. He had extreme views etc. But he was..distant. Uninvolved. He never did anything with them, days out, school activities etc. He didnt work either so the school/work routine was organised by me. SO life has gone on much as before. The impact of him leaving has had almost zero effect in their lives apart from removing him.

@DocusDiploI have work in my life, and three children. Thats about it. I am working fulltime in a demanding management role so find it hard to believe I am acting like a teenager when it comes to this.
I have many threads on here that I have started over the years asking for help to leave him. I looked them up the other day, there are 6!! From 2010 to 2018.
I guess that tells me something.
Todays text is " you have ripped my fucking heart out. I never thought I could feel nothing and be such a cold hearted c**t I guess all I needed was a little push"

And improving their lives too without the negativity. Stay strong ❤

It takes a while to get over this prolonged sort of abuse, but you can and you will. It's a bit like an addiction - you know it's bad for you and going to ruin your life, but in the immediate term there's familiarity and comfort and you have to fight the urge to fall back into old destructive patterns. For me it felt like going cold turkey. It's not going to be sunshine and rainbows, but it will get better and one day you'll wake up and look back and thank fuck you were strong enough to grind through this shit and free yourself and the kids from this toxic mess.

Don't try and fill the hole in your life with him (or anyone else for the moment). I found little things like making meals I hadn't been 'allowed' to (ie which I like and he didn't) was a good way to start rebuilding myself and remembering who I really was, rather than the facade I'd had to be for years to prevent the angry tantrums.

Also, does your company have an employee assistance program? many offer counselling, and I found it helpful after leaving my ex.

WOW, he sounds like a nasty piece of work and yes he is gaslighting and emotionally abusing you. He is trying to guilt/intimidate you into taking him back.

As another poster said, speak to womens aid for advice. Keep the text messages as they are 'proof' and if need be, speak to the police on non-emergency 101 for advice...it might be worth getting his threats on file, in case he does turn nasty in the future.
Might also be worth messaging him that you are horrified by what he is saying to your children and if need be you will seek legal advice, so he needs to back off. But speak to womens aid first..as you need to do it safely and he sounds unhinged.

Keep strong.
I came on here to start a post too, as am in process of separating from someone who is trying to manipulate me (although not quite as extreme as your ex) but I will start my own thread. But yes, I am also heartbroken as we've been together 20 years also and he is all I've ever known.

Big hugs to you.

This is exactly where I am. My husband is an alcoholic, a womanising one. I know he's toxic in the worst possible ways but still, those moments when I feel a little down or think about the future I start to think maybe we could just work it out. Maybe it will be OK.
But NO!! I would rather die than feel that miserable again. That belittled, that sinking feeling I got in my chest when he said something hurtful.

I'm there with you. You are not alone. It's a minute by minute process.
Oh and counselling has helped for me... Even as a place to just release the tears and grief. X

@Tenetenba As a child of divorce I'd strongly encourage you to talk to your DC about this. Allow them to express whatever they might be feeling. Kids are good at hiding pain when they sense their parents are also suffering. Ask them regularly, and tell them that you want to know how they're doing and how they're feeling. Encourage them to be honest. It will make such a massive difference in the long-run.

I have tried often to talk to the DC. The elder two are teens. One has decided to go no contact until an apology or " more normal conversation/relationship appears. She is angry he is behaving and talking to them like this. The final straw for her was him asking her younger brother to pick who to live with and threatening to " get custody " in Jan.
Middle teen is uncomfortable hearing the abuse aimed at me but feels empathy for him.
Youngest dc has stopped asking to speak to him since the " choosing " conversation occured.

This is the part I am at odds with.
He was never great while he was here but appears to have totally dropped them. Yet tells me this is MY fault as I've made him a part time dad. He says he'd rather have nothing at all ?
How on earth does that make sense?

He mainly appears to want ME back but is angry, threatening and abusive in his texts.
Hes told everyone he will never work or move on and that I've destroyed him.
He never worked while we were together surely I wasn't responsible for him forever?

I am so sorry to hear what you and your children are going through. This man sounds awful and is proving to be verbally abusive and threatening.
You did the right thing in separating from him. After 20 years together its like you are going through a bereavement for your marriage and that is what you are feeling. I would think this is a natural emotion to feel even though he was an unpleasant and distant husband.
I think you need to urgently seek some counselling support so that you can work through your feelings and build some confidence. I hope you have family and friends who can support you too.
When you are ready in time you will find someone who loves you for you. Don't believe that this is not possible because of your ex's vile words.
I would also get advice from a solicitor.
Take care of yourself and best wishes to you and your children. Things will get better with time.x

You need to go to your solicitor with his text messages as evidence to protect yourself and your kids. You need counseling as you were clearly in an abusive relationship and still are. You need to consider family counseling for all four of you. You are strong. Stay strong. You did the hardest part already.

Women's Aid, Freedom Programme for sure. And tbh I would take his messages to the police? Threats to hurt folk. This is awful.

I've emailed about joining the freedom programme this morning.
I've woken up feeling sad and sorry for him as usual.
I have to run through my reasons in my head each morning that we're over. As time passes I become more convinced I have overreacted and that I should have stuck the marriage out.
This is despite the text messages.

He was never threatening or said things like that to me before we were over, but there was always anger beneath the surface.
He 100% says me ending things has made him that way and he can't control the anger and bitterness etc. Its my fault etc. Could that be true ? Could I have ruined his life that much ?

I've woken up feeling sad and sorry for him as usual.

Lots of things you say resonate with me OP
My ex can’t cope very well on his own. Can’t cook, clean, quickly runs out of money, he’s off in the sick now because he’s depressed. So he spends all day at his place in bed, goes on his games when he gets up, then drinks and goes to bed again. I feel a HUGE amount of guilt and it’s eating me up every single day. It’s been 2 months for us.

Why did you separate @funinthesun19?
It's so hard isn't it

You need to block him on your phone. You are giving him far too much headspace, it's no wonder you are struggling to move on when he's in contact all the time. I think you could also go to the police for him harassing you.

He doesn't love you op, he just wants his custy life back.

Also think about it this way, your children probably won't forgive you if you go back to him.

Block him and talk to women's aid.

We were just arguing all the time and it became so toxic for the kids to live in that environment. His drinking became a huge worry for me and I was worried about social services knocking. The kids need a stable environment, especially my eldest who will be a teenager in a few short years.

I wasn’t an angel by any means but my problem was mainly just because I cared that much about him changing his behaviour I became a huge nag and my moods were really bad. Now that he’s moved out, the atmospheres in the house is a lot calmer and I’m a lot calmer.

I just miss the good bits and I feel so guilty for making him leave.

Well I knew today would be hard. I've spent most of my day crying.
He's told both me and the kids he's " got to start a new family, I've given him no choice ". So has told them he's active on OLD !
Why am I so upset ?

Gah. Its madness.

I need to start doing things for me. Making my life different. I can't drive and I've never taken the kids abroad so that's 2 things I want to aim for this year.
God knows how when we're all just surviving on my wages mind you!
But I'm going to try.

survive on your wages? He didn't work?

No he didnt work, which is why I didnt do those things before and why they are going to be a struggle when I try to do them now.

Gosh @Tenetenba no wonder he implies you've torn his life apart, he was literally dependent on you.. Like a Child..financially. Why didn't he work, if you don't mind me asking?

You are doing really well x

So yep he was a cocklodger. If he is on benefits they can still take a small amount from him via the CSA. Not sure if that would be worth doing.