I got my husband a mousemat for his birthday

[MousematsRule]

I've NC for this as it's possibly outing I think.

DH's birthday was a few days after we got married and one day into our honeymoon.
The honeymoon cost more than our wedding - it was DHs dream holiday - a 3.5 week tour of a far away country. We'd booked 3 extra days before the tour on a ranch and before the wedding, before the mad panic set in, I'd booked a couple of extra surprises for his birthday - a birthday cake and champagne to be in our room on arrival and a romantic moonlight horseride and picnic.

I didn't want to take a big present as we were travelling as light as possible for the tour. Also, we were literally cleaning ourselves out for the wedding. It wasn't as if we werent treating ourselves in the process either. As well as my dress, I got a pair of shoes I always wanted, he got a tailor made suit which cost as much as my dress and everything to go with it. I'm not keeping score, I'm just pointing out, that we were doing pretty well individually and wanted for nothing really.

I meant to get him something little to open but to be honest, the week before the wedding was incredibly busy. There just wasn't time and it left my head. I'm notoriously disorganised and trying to manage the event, pretty much single-handedly, as well as my business, and arranging for a month away straight after proved to be monumental.

I did think too, I could get something small and jokey while we were there and honestly thought in the circumstances, he wouldn't care about a wrapped present.

Anyway, our flights were delayed and we missed our connections. We ended up stranded for two days and had to miss the ranch. We woke up on his birthday in a crappy airport hotel with no luggage. I felt bad for him, and nipped to the shop to get a silly present. There was nothing to get, So I got a really tacky touristy mousemat and some sweets honestly thinking he'd see the funn y side.

I told him what I'd arranged and apologised but he was clearly gutted and deflated that I'd not got him anything. He thought as it was straight after wedding I'd have put some thought into a meaningful gift and I understood where he was coming from and felt bad and apologised again.

He still brings it up though and throws it back in weird ways - after ages of not mentioning it, it's cropped up a few times since Christmas. Eg I'm pregnant now and everyone is making a bit of a fuss about me. My mum bought me some nice maternity clothes and my sisters were asking if we'd done anything special for our last Christmas as a two. Also it's my 30th soon, two weeks before baby is due, so they've been talking about that. I don't expect loads of presents, I'm not bothered but it's like he resents it all. He keeps saying 'I can't believe all this fuss when you only got me a mousemat.' 🙄

I dont know, am I being very unsympathetic to not really understand why he's so cross about it? I think half of his frustration is that I have admitted I don't see why he's making such a big deal if it. We'd just got married, we were on our dream holiday, wed just spent all of our money on us and I'd booked some birthday surprises. I see where he's coming from, kind of, and I have apologised, but I don't really get it.

And if your parents are decent people they will welcome and support you and the baby with open arms, and understand that your marriage was a mistake. It’s quite possible that they have already figured out that it’s not a great relationship tbh - friends and relations can often see these things more clearly than the person who’s in the relationship.

My sisters were talking about getting me a nice bag to use after the baby is born and he's said he doesn't see why I should get a present for having a baby and if they're going to buy me a bag they should something for him.

You have serious problems with a man with this kind of attitude. Is he on the same planet as the rest of us.

He wants your sisters to buy him something for having a baby... he's really bonkers.

His attitude to money is not good at all. This whole tit for tat present buying is ridiculous.

As others have said.. protect yourself financially if he isn't prepared to change his ways.

He’s a materialistic ass. DH and I didn’t buy each other presents when we got married. Why would we? Is this a thing? Expect him to be awful during mat leave when you won’t be earning so much....

Be sounds like the sort of man who would have messages to an OW saying, ‘we have a small baby and my wife is obsessed with him and no longer has time for poor neglected me’

He's going to resent the baby and he's going to be jealous of the attention you give to your child

When I was 30 he got me a butter dish.

This is a crap gift IMO. However, as you liked it, then your DH got it right. It comes down to knowing your spouse.

A friend of mine got a vacuum cleaner for her birthday....she was happy with it. I would have been well pissed off.

I absolutely refuse to have DH buying me any kind of domestic/household item as my gift. I find it very sexist.

Our first Christmas together my DH bought me a small kitchen appliance.... I told him in a very nice diplomatic way to return it and never to buy me a household item as a personal gift.

In the OPs case, the mousemat wasn't the real present...but if it was...then yes I would be disappointed as I have no use for a mousemat and I expect something better than that from my DH.

I've got a laptop at home and a wristgel mousemat at work.

The OPs DH is a jealous immature man...I'm not defending him.in any way shape or form.

It all sounds so materialistic and superficial and as if the wedding and honeymoon were considered the most important thing.
Maybe you both didn't actually think about the fact that it's the marriage that's important not a dress, suit, cake or brilliant holiday. These things last a few weeks at the most, a marriage should be for life.
It sounds as if you're both not actually ready for the commitment of marriage, let alone the change in life style a baby will bring.
I think your H sounds nasty, immature and self absorbed and I wouldn't imagine will cope with parenthood

Hold on. He knows nothing about pg, doesn’t believe any of your symptoms whilst refusing to read any book.
But somehow he knows enough to tell you you can’t eat fried rice

@MousematsRule I dint think it’s you not thinking things through. I think it’s him showing his true controlling colours. Which usually happens when they think you’ve swallowed the hook and the line and don’t have any exit. Aka when you are married and/or are pregnant.

If you have doubts now, and seeing his behaviour is getting worse, I would get a divorce now.
Your parents will be much more worried about you if you are in a controlling relationship (which it fast becoming) than if you are divorced with a small baby.

Being materialistic- or not - is irrelevant.

OP every update I read I've copied text to reply to but then there's another and I copy more.

You need to get organised. It doesn't matter if you're not normally you need to be now. It's NEVERa good or easy time to leave. It's MUCH harder once you've got a baby.

Cut your losses. He's not going to get better if he's still moaning 6 months later and is happy to make you share a plate of food on your birthday than treat you to one - or even lend you the money for one!

And the rest.
But this:

I appreciate everybody's concern. I'm OK, I won't get financially abused. I can support myself.
is simply in direct contrast to this:

It's all a big dripfeed because once I've started I can't stop. There's quite a lot more. I told my friend I feel quite lonely and trapped and I wish I hadn't got married

It's not the 1950s. You have your own business. You have supportive friends and family. Why on earth should you or would you choose to put up with this utterly shit behaviour when you don't have to?! None one member of your family would be happy with you staying in this situation if they knew what's been going on. If you're not sure, show them your posts here.

He needs a major change of attitude before you add a baby to the mix.
If it's his inherent personality, I can see divorce looming on the horizon.

@MousematsRule please go to your parents and just take a bit of time out. He needs a wake up call and it MAY jolt him into reality. If either of my DD’s came home to me even one day after their wedding I would be happier they left a bad situation than stayed. You can always go back if things improve. Don’t stay without some changes this is abuse.

Go you with your own business OP - you’ll be back at work supporting him though if you’re not careful.

Being materialistic- or not - is irrelevant.
It's actually very relevant for the future marriage and parenting.

The definition of a materialistic person is
A person who is focused on objects, ownership and wealth.
When a person can only focus on these there is little room for being a loving partner or parent

It's not just jokey comments, he keeps saying I am trying to get attention if I mention any pregnancy symptoms.

I just saw this, so you say you have symptoms that obviously go along with pregnancy, and he says you're saying it for attention? What's he going to be like after you give birth?

My sisters were talking about getting me a nice bag to use after the baby is born and he's said he doesn't see why I should get a present for having a baby and if they're going to buy me a bag they should something for him.

Dear lord.
Obviously, there's something not quite right with him if he begrudges you, someone he is supposed to love getting a nappy bag and thinks he should be getting something.

I don't think he loves you, I don't think he's capable of it because he only seems to be thinking about himself in every single thing you are talking about.
Even your honeymoon was all what he wanted, his dream holiday and events, not yours.
Even your pregnancy he doesn't want to be about you. Anything nice he does, like a nice gift, he is literally admitting he is doing because he believes it should be returned in kind.

OP don't worry about the drip feed. Get it all out here. Once it's out, you can see what it really looks like and it should galvanise you. Also don't worry about the 'fly by the seat of your pants' approach to life so far. It takes lots of folk to have a baby before they really start to forecast for the future. We aren't all planful and don't listen to any bosom-hoikers who tell you what you should have done before now. What's done is done and you'll be able to do better next time now you know you're like that. If your parents are lovely ordinary parents they'll help you.

There is something seriously wrong with your man and it needs to be pointed out to him - not by you but others who are close to him. He's behaving like a child and is totally insensitive to you.

Some people are immature and make inappropriate remarks in a mock jokey way but still have good hearts, they usually grow out of it but a bit of help to get them on their way is sometimes called for. That's certainly the case with your husband.

Please don't let him spoil things for you, be your own person, a sensible, caring woman who is not a child & let him see you are above all his nonsense.

Hope all goes well.

This is a sad thread to read OP. I hope things improve for you - either between you and your DH or by you leaving. Don't stay if you're unhappy

Speak to your parents, they’re probably more aware of his attitude and actions than you probably realise. I’m sure they just want what’s best for you and their grandchild

Get out now. It's not going to get better - it will get worse once you are trapped and vulnerable with a newborn and he feels he can act however he wants.

@Shedidnt I was just thinking the same. My husband moaned incessantly about presents, he eventually revealed himself to be a self entitled, ungrateful shit in many ways. I left him.

Everything you write sounds worse each time. He is seriously a controlling abusing arsehole and you need to leave him whilst you can and before the baby is born so he can’t say he’s the primary carer for your baby and demand maintenance from you.. save yourself a lifetime of unhappiness.

God Op, all your updates get worse and worse and clearly show a controlling bully with the mindset of a spoilt 5 year old. I know this is hard to hear, but you need to get out now, before the baby is born, he will not add anything to your life, quite the contrary. You need to take the advice given by another op:
get him another mouse mat with 'I'm leaving you' printed on it.
And Leave.

He’s very childish, the vipers here may have a point but make sure you think it through properly before taking the plunge and leaving him. I think the counselling suggestions are good, he needs to grow up and get over himself is this something he could do?

How do you think DH will react in these situations:

• visitors spending more time talking to you and the baby, than him?
• him doing lots of the visitor hospitality (making drinks, clearing up), a thankless task really while you sit on the sofa with the baby but one that lots of partners undertake.
• your baby crying for you and not him? (lots of babies go through stages of wanting to be comforted by mum)
• you choose to breastfeed and therefore DH doesn't get to feed the baby?
• you need to talk to him about adjusting his plans because the baby is ill, has an appointment or you want to go visit friends/family with the baby?

Having a baby should be a really exciting and happy time.

You don't need to rush into divorce if you don't want to. There's nothing stopping you separating, seeking counselling, thinking about things.

You don't sound materialistic at all, @MousematsRule .

Time to call your parents unless you want to give this idiot a chance and point out how he is coming across.