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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I got my husband a mousemat for his birthday

231 replies

MousematsRule · 05/01/2020 07:07

I've NC for this as it's possibly outing I think.

DH's birthday was a few days after we got married and one day into our honeymoon.
The honeymoon cost more than our wedding - it was DHs dream holiday - a 3.5 week tour of a far away country. We'd booked 3 extra days before the tour on a ranch and before the wedding, before the mad panic set in, I'd booked a couple of extra surprises for his birthday - a birthday cake and champagne to be in our room on arrival and a romantic moonlight horseride and picnic.

I didn't want to take a big present as we were travelling as light as possible for the tour. Also, we were literally cleaning ourselves out for the wedding. It wasn't as if we werent treating ourselves in the process either. As well as my dress, I got a pair of shoes I always wanted, he got a tailor made suit which cost as much as my dress and everything to go with it. I'm not keeping score, I'm just pointing out, that we were doing pretty well individually and wanted for nothing really.

I meant to get him something little to open but to be honest, the week before the wedding was incredibly busy. There just wasn't time and it left my head. I'm notoriously disorganised and trying to manage the event, pretty much single-handedly, as well as my business, and arranging for a month away straight after proved to be monumental.

I did think too, I could get something small and jokey while we were there and honestly thought in the circumstances, he wouldn't care about a wrapped present.

Anyway, our flights were delayed and we missed our connections. We ended up stranded for two days and had to miss the ranch. We woke up on his birthday in a crappy airport hotel with no luggage. I felt bad for him, and nipped to the shop to get a silly present. There was nothing to get, So I got a really tacky touristy mousemat and some sweets honestly thinking he'd see the funn y side.

I told him what I'd arranged and apologised but he was clearly gutted and deflated that I'd not got him anything. He thought as it was straight after wedding I'd have put some thought into a meaningful gift and I understood where he was coming from and felt bad and apologised again.

He still brings it up though and throws it back in weird ways - after ages of not mentioning it, it's cropped up a few times since Christmas. Eg I'm pregnant now and everyone is making a bit of a fuss about me. My mum bought me some nice maternity clothes and my sisters were asking if we'd done anything special for our last Christmas as a two. Also it's my 30th soon, two weeks before baby is due, so they've been talking about that. I don't expect loads of presents, I'm not bothered but it's like he resents it all. He keeps saying 'I can't believe all this fuss when you only got me a mousemat.' 🙄

I dont know, am I being very unsympathetic to not really understand why he's so cross about it? I think half of his frustration is that I have admitted I don't see why he's making such a big deal if it. We'd just got married, we were on our dream holiday, wed just spent all of our money on us and I'd booked some birthday surprises. I see where he's coming from, kind of, and I have apologised, but I don't really get it.

OP posts:
Equanimitas · 05/01/2020 11:27

If he resents you being given maternity clothes, tell him that the day he carries your child and gives birth your family will no doubt be delighted to give him paternity clothes.

simplekindoflife · 05/01/2020 11:29

he humiliated me in front of the shop

Fucking hell... Confused He's controlling what you eat too?! Did you get the rice anyway?? I would've ordered two lots, just to make a point.

Be very careful OP. Make sure you have a strong support network around you when the baby comes. You'll be vulnerable, both physically and emotionally.

daisypond · 05/01/2020 11:30

Tbh honest I'd have been disappointed to receive the mousemat for any birthday, let alone the first one being married. This is ridiculous in my point of view. This is the sort of present I might get my DH. When I was 30 he got me a butter dish. When you’re a grown-up in a healthy relationship, these things don’t matter. It would be a major red flag for me that anyone would care about birthday presents. I would never want to be with someone like that. The relationship you are in is abusive.

daisypond · 05/01/2020 11:32

Fried rice? He argued with you over that, and humiliated you?

saraclara · 05/01/2020 11:33

I can't believe I'm reading this stuff. Just when I think it can't get worse, something else is dropped into the mix.

Being publicly humiliated over something perfectly normal that you want to order to eat is yet another huge red flag.

Original poster
MousematsRule · 05/01/2020 11:34

Fucking hell... confused He's controlling what you eat too?! Did you get the rice anyway?? I would've ordered two lots, just to make a point.

The only reason I didn't was because he'd said to the woman behind the counter 'look at her she shouldn't eat that should she' and the woman agreed and said no, it's not good for the baby. I felt like if have had the showdown with her more than him. I was fuming though and we argued about it all. Again.

I was trying to get an objective opinion on one incident when I originally made the post, but now I just can't stop listing my complaints.

OP posts:
Fraggot · 05/01/2020 11:34

I didn't know I was unhappy with him and TTC

So the first clue you had to this behaviour only appeared on the honeymoon?

If he’s this bratty now he’ll be 10 times worse when he has a child to compete with.

womenspeakout · 05/01/2020 11:35

and he doesnt believe what I say about how anything feels but he won't read them.

How can he not believe you? It's your body. But then he has no interest in finding anything out.

I love it but he humiliated me in front of the shop and the woman sided with him that I shouldn't have it.

What did he do? Why did the woman take his side? Do you find this kind of thing happens a lot? He gets people on his side?
He seems very manipulative and a bully.

Original poster
MousematsRule · 05/01/2020 11:36

so the first clue you had to this behaviour only appeared on the honeymoon?

In hindsight no, there were definitely clues, but I thought I was happy and loved him. He's definitely got worse as well.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 05/01/2020 11:42

Get out now before the baby is born and you are even more trapped

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/01/2020 11:44

In hindsight no, there were definitely clues, but I thought I was happy and loved him. He's definitely got worse as well.

Do you want to stay?

Honestly this sounds horrendous.

Original poster
MousematsRule · 05/01/2020 11:45

Get out now before the baby is born and you are even more trapped

I keep wanting to but then keep doubting whether it's all enough to give in so soon

OP posts:
womenspeakout · 05/01/2020 11:45

*The only reason I didn't was because he'd said to the woman behind the counter 'look at her she shouldn't eat that should she' and the woman agreed and said no, it's not good for the baby. I felt like if have had the showdown with her more than him. I was fuming though and we argued about it all. Again.

I was trying to get an objective opinion on one incident when I originally made the post, but now I just can't stop listing my complaints.*

So, he got his way by making the scene and called other people in to agree.
He must be good to get someone who sells the food to agree with him, is he very charming?
Most pregnant women I know eat Chinese fried rice and the baby comes out perfectly healthy.

It's unbelievable he's controlling you in such a way.

daisypond · 05/01/2020 11:45

It will be harder to leave the later you leave it.

Original poster
MousematsRule · 05/01/2020 11:47

I never think things through enough, I just bumble through everything, not thinking about what could happen and just doing stupid stuff.

Now suddenly I'm married about to have a baby and I want to run away. My poor parents, I'm going to cause so much worry.

OP posts:
Blahblahblahnanana · 05/01/2020 11:51

Leave him now. It will be come so much worse when you have the baby.

Quartz2208 · 05/01/2020 11:53

OP it is enough because it’s only going to get worse
Can you go to your parents

ThisIsM · 05/01/2020 11:55

Oh Mousemats, I'm so sorry you're facing this situation. Please don't let the thought of what everyone will think/your parents or the money stop you from leaving. It's hard to imagine when you haven't had children yet but as a PP said, you are SO vulnerable when you've just had a baby. As they grow up they will be seeing this abuse and humiliation as normal, and how to make relationships, which isn't what you want.

What is your living situation? Do you own or rent? Is there a way you can move out by yourself or with family?

We're here to hold your hand through it. You can do this, you are worth more than this and do not deserve to be abused.

TwentyViginti · 05/01/2020 11:56

Your parents would worry far more if you stayed in this clearly abusive relationship - abuse doesn't have to include physical violence.

It's well known that abuse and control often ramp up after marriage, when the contolling, selfish partner thinks he's 'got you'. Also magnified during pregnancy and after baby is born, when the man gets pushed right down the pecking order.

averythinline · 05/01/2020 11:57

he sounds a complete wanker.....
it maybe that the not working /freelance not going well is excarbating his ego issues - if yours is doing well....and that is making him more self obsessed and controlling than otherwise....

or it could be that your maternal/protective instincts are showing you what he is really like...

does he see what his behaviour is like at all? have you had a sit down conversation about things and about things wil lbe after the baby is here?
how time/finances /childcare are going to work...... ? in a way that is equal for both - eg he cant be expected to do all the childcare if wfh
and you cant be expecte dto pay for it all as your business is doing well...
being 'disorganised' and sticking your head in the sand isnt really an option once DC have arrived -not saying have to have a detailed plan but it sounds a bit like you are both going la la la about the reality of life...
if you run your own business you must have the capacity for this... even if you say it is the first of plannings sessions.....
the outcome of that may make you see whether things are rescuable and what issues are knocking around as you dont sound like you are communicating well with each other... and that is recipe for disaster...

it may just be he is a complete arse and you would be better on your own but doesnt sound like you are there yet....

LuluJakey1 · 05/01/2020 11:58

You both sound materialistic

stormsurfer · 05/01/2020 11:58

I'm sorry OP. He sounds narcissistic and immature. He seems to have no concern for your well being and if he is getting upset about you getting attention for the pregnancy and won't read up about it, then I'm afraid he will only get worse when the baby comes and takes further focus from him. Then he will not want to know about parenting together, won't read about child development, won't want to be involved with the child when it detracts from "his" time with you or with his interests. You will end up with a "D"H who sees all the parenting as your role and spending time with his own child as a chore. He will be the type of man who sees it as "babysitting" to help you, not as his parenting responsibility.

I sadly speak from experience. That type of man only gets worse and worse.

ElloBrian · 05/01/2020 12:01

Dear sweet Jesus I can’t believe what I’m reading. OP, get out now, before the baby comes, and do it on your own. Your life will be a million times better than the decades of misery you are heading towards in this marriage.

For reference, the point at which a guy took me on a surprise weekend to Paris then demanded that I fork out for his meals as well as my own because he didn’t want to spend any more would have been the point at which I would have ended the relationship. Everything beyond that is just so unreasonable that he must have done a real number on you if you didn’t have alarm bells ringing the entire time.

More red flags than an international Communist convention.

MoonlightBonnet · 05/01/2020 12:03

Your parents will just be relieved to see you happy. Get out and settled somewhere else before the baby is born. Do you rent at the minute?

MsPepperPotts · 05/01/2020 12:04

You definitely need to get to now @MousematsRule Flowers
This man is abusive and a selfish man child
He has zero respect for you...zero!!

I have been where you are now many years ago and if I had left within the first year which I wanted to my life would have been totally different back then.

You need to go back to your family and DO NOT be talked into staying with him.
If you get out now you will not regret it. Your life will be a lot less stressful and you will learn a lot from this situation.

You are not a failure...you have started your own business and you have begun to realise that you deserve better treatment than you are getting from this dysfunctional man child.

Read Lundy Bancroft "Why Does He Do That?"