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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is DH having some kind of mental breakdown?

439 replies

sleepyhorse · 04/01/2020 23:34

Bit of a weird one and not sure where to start....married 14 years with 2 dc. Dh a real people pleaser, charming with everyone else etc However marriage never been great, he has been abusive and undermining me on and off for years. Only reason we are still together is for kids and financial reasons. I’m pretty unhappy but it’s now been taken to a completely new level.
We had huge renovations on house and had to rent for a year whilst he instructed builders to make a mezzanine in each of the boys bedroom (where they will sleep). I told him from the start I wasn’t happy with this and after seeing how high it was my concerns grew even more and I begged him to stop as just thought it was bad idea (unsafe for a 9 and 11yr old plus couldn’t see the point when they both have perfectly good size rooms). He ignored me and told builders to continue. We moved back in just before Xmas and then came the fitting of the step ladders they built in which in my opinion are too steep and he will only put hand rail on one side. In one of the bedrooms the ladder finishes right in front of the bedroom window which is on 2nd floor. My son is autistic and scared of heights. The whole things is madness but he won’t take the ladders down and is making the boys sleep up there, all because he wants to impress our friends so they think the boys have the coolest bedrooms. Nobody thinks it’s a good idea and many think it’s a potential death trap but nobody wants to interfere. I have had so many arguments over this with him and feel exhausted with stress and worry. He tells me I’m being ridiculous and over protective. The boys have been told they have to sleep up there! I don’t know what else to do, almost phoned social services but don’t want to go down the route. So instead I phoned building inspector who is now coming Monday. I’m hoping he will confirm it’s unsafe and needs to come down. I’m sure it will all kick off as will make dh look stupid but what else am I supposed to do? I will try and enclose picture. Surely this is not normal???

OP posts:
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SoTiredTonight · 05/01/2020 17:36

Sleepy, been following but haven’t posted so far. I’m so sorry about the shit you’re putting up with. Your last comment about respect compelled me to write - I had the same from DH years ago and feel that I still haven’t ‘earned it’. In fact, I know I haven’t. It infuriated me then and still does now. How dare anyone try to question our worth like that? Angry
As for your ‘home improvements’, what a ridiculous idea! I agree that most kids would probably love a higher up space like those bunk beds with play area/desks underneath, but a mezzanine for young children is a stupid idea, let alone the design he’s come up with! There’s no way on this earth building control will pass it!
Do post tonight when you are at your mum’s, I’m sure everyone here wants to know that you got away ok for the night. Flowers

StrawberryJam200 · 05/01/2020 17:39

An abuser respects no one anyway OP, so don’t waste your time!

madcatladyforever · 05/01/2020 17:47

Those stairs are horrific, anyone falling would go straight out of the windows and be cut to pieces, he is mental.

He is also determined to be right.

Sooner you leave the happier you will all be.

candycane222 · 05/01/2020 17:54

You need to earn respect??? How F*ing rude!! You do know he is likely to go ballistic when he founds you have "sneaked" to building control behind his back? if I were you I would get some important stuff like you laptop, wallet, documents etc into your "overnight bag" to your mums. You don't want to have to cave just because you need to get back in the house.

sleepyhorse · 05/01/2020 17:58

I’m going to pretend my mum called the inspector regarding some questions she had with her house. Then I’ll just pretend I asked him to come over to ours as I had some safety concerns

OP posts:
Techway · 05/01/2020 17:59

@sleepyhorse*, that is the textbook response to the respect question and have heard that frequentely from abusers. What does he do to earn your respect?

Street angel, house devil used to the phrase used by DV victims. I think we now know it as covert narcissism. He is probadly escalating in response to your boundaries.

Many of us can relate to how you are feeling as life is just so hard with an abuser as everything is a battle. I used to think Ex H was on drugs, such was his "switch" in behaviour however once you learn about abusive individuals the Jekyll & Hyde all makes more sense.

I am so sorry as know you are at the start of the end..it will be tough divorcing him but you will get there.

SoTiredTonight · 05/01/2020 17:59

You need to earn respect??? How F*ing rude!! Yep. In all honesty, I think I flipped my lid when DH told me the same many years ago. Unfortunately these kinds of comments stay with you forever because they’re really a verbal expression of their attitude towards you. Sad

RandomMess · 05/01/2020 18:05

In theory the raised platform is a great space saving idea but it doesn't work in those rooms because of the ladders being in the middle of the room.

Also what's the big deal to him that they have to sleep up there rather than using them for storage/building Lego????

StrawberryJam200 · 05/01/2020 18:09

Link from Women’s Aid, what to pack if you may be leaving:
www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/#1447926965295-8f67f8a6-62c7

WeeDangerousSpike · 05/01/2020 18:10

OP I think in your shoes I'd make sure I met the inspector outside, without your H there, and tell him/her quickly and calmly about your concerns re the mezzanine stairs, (handrail, headroom under stairs, gap between treads build quality and the window placement). Explain your H won't listen to you, and you would like an expert opinion on the safety. But you would rather H didn't know you requested the visit, if that is possible.

Afterwards you could say they were passing and stopped in on the off-chance. Or yes, that they've been in to see x at your mum's and thought they'd pop in to do your next inspection now to save time.

elizalovelace · 05/01/2020 18:12

Looks so shit.Shock

Rubytinsleslippers · 05/01/2020 19:08

Good luck

sleepyhorse · 05/01/2020 19:24

Weedangerous - yes good idea!

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 05/01/2020 19:40

I hope all goes as you wish tomorrow OP. Either way, please stand your ground. Even if something is technically 'safe enough,' you shouldn't have to put up with something that causes you extra worry in your own home. That should be the place you feel you and your kids are the most safe. And no, the pushing etc isn't ok. LTB xxx

sleepyhorse · 05/01/2020 20:39

Interestedwoman - Thank you 😘

OP posts:
Apple222 · 05/01/2020 20:53

So, so sorry you are going through this. What a controlling arse he is. The mezzanines look awful and I would have the same concerns as you. If he can’t see that then he really is deluded and quite dangerous.
Sending you love and warm wishes.

Weenurse · 06/01/2020 07:37

Good luck 💐

Equanimitas · 06/01/2020 07:45

I'd be a little surprised if the builders have done as good a job with the rest of the house as you think. I just can't see how any reputable builder could seriously leave a staircase with those protruding sharp wood edges, particularly in a child's room.

Interestedwoman · 06/01/2020 09:13

'Another thing that is bugging me is he keeps saying I’m selfish and lazy at any opportunity in between swearing at me. I’m not perfect but I actually wouldn’t describe myself as either of these. So when I tell him he clearly has no respect for me - he says “you need to earn respect” - what a weird thing to say???

'
He is verbally/emotionally abusive. Please leave him. xx

DonPablo · 06/01/2020 09:55

In your shoes, I'd get your mum to pack a bag and I'd pack bags for you and the kids and leave them at your mums.
And be ready to hot foot it out of there. He's at best a bully, who intimidates you and the kids and at worst an abusive man, ready to ramp up to the next level.

The mezzanines are completely unsafe, ill thought out and pose a hideous risk to your kids.

I hope the building inspector condemns them and you get out of there without being hurt by him.

BoswellSolver · 06/01/2020 10:28

The fact this is giving me -a stone cold emotional zombie- anxiety, shows you how bad the situation is.

sleepyhorse · 06/01/2020 13:05

Holy shit!!!
The inspector came this morning and in front of dh he told us both that boys stairs are death traps!!
Dh was purple in the face with smoke coming out of his ears!!
After the guy left he said to me “I hope you’ve got a bloody good divorce lawyer”

OP posts:
CheddarGorgeous · 06/01/2020 13:12

Yes, get one. Now.

Are you safe?

Thanks
KingaRoo · 06/01/2020 13:15

Good riddance.

IndieTara · 06/01/2020 13:16

Good for you Op, now sort that lawyer

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