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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is DH having some kind of mental breakdown?

439 replies

sleepyhorse · 04/01/2020 23:34

Bit of a weird one and not sure where to start....married 14 years with 2 dc. Dh a real people pleaser, charming with everyone else etc However marriage never been great, he has been abusive and undermining me on and off for years. Only reason we are still together is for kids and financial reasons. I’m pretty unhappy but it’s now been taken to a completely new level.
We had huge renovations on house and had to rent for a year whilst he instructed builders to make a mezzanine in each of the boys bedroom (where they will sleep). I told him from the start I wasn’t happy with this and after seeing how high it was my concerns grew even more and I begged him to stop as just thought it was bad idea (unsafe for a 9 and 11yr old plus couldn’t see the point when they both have perfectly good size rooms). He ignored me and told builders to continue. We moved back in just before Xmas and then came the fitting of the step ladders they built in which in my opinion are too steep and he will only put hand rail on one side. In one of the bedrooms the ladder finishes right in front of the bedroom window which is on 2nd floor. My son is autistic and scared of heights. The whole things is madness but he won’t take the ladders down and is making the boys sleep up there, all because he wants to impress our friends so they think the boys have the coolest bedrooms. Nobody thinks it’s a good idea and many think it’s a potential death trap but nobody wants to interfere. I have had so many arguments over this with him and feel exhausted with stress and worry. He tells me I’m being ridiculous and over protective. The boys have been told they have to sleep up there! I don’t know what else to do, almost phoned social services but don’t want to go down the route. So instead I phoned building inspector who is now coming Monday. I’m hoping he will confirm it’s unsafe and needs to come down. I’m sure it will all kick off as will make dh look stupid but what else am I supposed to do? I will try and enclose picture. Surely this is not normal???

OP posts:
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sleepyhorse · 06/01/2020 13:17

Cheddargorgeous - it’s going to be hideous at home but what can he do?
I’m pretty sure any decent mum would have done exactly the same as me. Children’s safety comes first! He should be apologising to me for putting me through this and for putting our kids lives at risk.

OP posts:
CheddarGorgeous · 06/01/2020 13:19

You've done brilliantly OP. Now to get some support IRL.

pointythings · 06/01/2020 13:19

You did the right thing. Now get ready to divorce the fucker. It will be hard but worth it.

BoswellSolver · 06/01/2020 13:20

Well, 'death-trap' is pretty final, no getting around that.
And yes, get a good divorce lawyer. But most importantly, keep yourself safe.

CrimsonCattery · 06/01/2020 13:22

Well done on protecting them. Can you get something about how unsafe they are in writing in case he keeps them and wants overnight contact there?

StrawberryJam200 · 06/01/2020 13:25

If you speak to a DV organisation or the Police OP, they will sadly have many examples of what similar men in these types of situations have done. Please please take safety measures. If it were my ex he’d likely go and drown his sorrows in a bottle or two and be very ugly by the evening.

PurpleBee39 · 06/01/2020 13:29

I'm so glad the inspector said that, he cannot possibly dispute that the stairs are a death trap now.
Please stay safe with your children, I would suggest staying with your Mum at night time whilst you get everything in order.

StrawberryJam200 · 06/01/2020 13:32

Sorry, my post just now was in response to your previous comment:
Cheddargorgeous - it’s going to be hideous at home but what can he do?

lisag1969 · 06/01/2020 13:43

You were right to do it, and if he wants to divorce you it's his loss. X

Seemstress · 06/01/2020 13:43

You will be well rid. He sounds unhinged. You may have grounds for a Non-Mol and an Occupation Order to remove him from the property. Start documenting everything, speak to Women's Aid and get a referral to a Domestic Violence Advocate to support you.

Wallywobbles · 06/01/2020 13:43

Take him at his word and find a really really good lawyer now, and I mean today.

BoswellSolver · 06/01/2020 13:44

Surely now you can stay at your mums full time? The kids can't sleep in death traps, and any attempt to force the issue would be a call to the police.

He has been publicly 'humiliated', a narc with anger issues.....now is the most dangerous time. Move out. You have an 'excuse' now.

SmellMySmellbow · 06/01/2020 13:51

Wow. Well we all knew it, but still. His reaction is astounding. The man is unhinged. Stay safe OP, and get that lawyer sorted.

DishingOutDone · 06/01/2020 14:02

Please go and stay with your mum!!!!

SirVixofVixHall · 06/01/2020 14:29

Yes, I agree OP, he should be apologising to you . I thought the inspector would say something along those lines, as the stairs are horrifying!

BlancoNita · 06/01/2020 14:30

Omg OP he is absolutely bonkers. They look hideous and unsafe! Its his ego that wont let him admit that you have a very good point, your kids are unsafe and that's it! Please leave this man, this is emotional abuse at its finest, the thoughts of you crying alone in the carpark, you poor thing.

Well done for being a supermom though xxx

ineedaholidaynow · 06/01/2020 14:32

Did the Inspector comment on any other parts of the building work you have had done?

onalongsabbatical · 06/01/2020 14:35

Get out op. He's raging it sounds like - please be safe.

SoTiredTonight · 06/01/2020 14:54

OP, please take kids and get out of there. He sounds like an absolute head case. Glad you had official feedback regarding stairs but his reaction to just that is unsettling to say the least. He sounds like an evil shit to be honest. Please look after yourself and keep us updated so we know you’re ok. Flowers

Middersweekly · 06/01/2020 14:58

Score one for the building regulator ☝️

It sounds like your DH has taken an obsession with mezzanines too far in this case. It’s almost like it was his own dream to have them and that the boys didn’t even want them (and feel scared sleeping up there). He can’t admit he was wrong and didn’t want to back down and now he’s stuck with 2 death traps for beds! What a twat! He also sounds very controlling in general! Stairs coming down in front of a window is just awkward and dangerous. If anything a platform should have been built at the top and the stairs should cascade down the side of the room to the left or right of the platform with adequate and complete handrails!

CheddarGorgeous · 06/01/2020 15:01

What action is the building control person taking? It's not an enforcement meeting. I assume he'll follow up with a letter or email but because they haven't asked building control to sign off they won't be told to pull it down.

debbs77 · 06/01/2020 15:05

To be honest, I think the positioning looks fine, considering their ages, ie, not toddlers. They're perfe tly old enough to climb those stairs and there be no issues.

However, the way he is treating you is the problem here

sleepyhorse · 06/01/2020 15:10

The inspector has told us that both sets of stairs need to come down and he wants them gone by the time he comes back in 2 weeks before he signs everything off.
Don’t worry my boys won’t be sleeping up there again!

OP posts:
SoTiredTonight · 06/01/2020 15:12

@debbs77 So the building inspector AND the mother of the kids are wrong to be concerned? Right... Hmm

SoTiredTonight · 06/01/2020 15:12

@sleepyhorse Glad to hear it. How are you?