Is DH having some kind of mental breakdown?

[sleepyhorse]

Bit of a weird one and not sure where to start....married 14 years with 2 dc. Dh a real people pleaser, charming with everyone else etc However marriage never been great, he has been abusive and undermining me on and off for years. Only reason we are still together is for kids and financial reasons. I’m pretty unhappy but it’s now been taken to a completely new level.
We had huge renovations on house and had to rent for a year whilst he instructed builders to make a mezzanine in each of the boys bedroom (where they will sleep). I told him from the start I wasn’t happy with this and after seeing how high it was my concerns grew even more and I begged him to stop as just thought it was bad idea (unsafe for a 9 and 11yr old plus couldn’t see the point when they both have perfectly good size rooms). He ignored me and told builders to continue. We moved back in just before Xmas and then came the fitting of the step ladders they built in which in my opinion are too steep and he will only put hand rail on one side. In one of the bedrooms the ladder finishes right in front of the bedroom window which is on 2nd floor. My son is autistic and scared of heights. The whole things is madness but he won’t take the ladders down and is making the boys sleep up there, all because he wants to impress our friends so they think the boys have the coolest bedrooms. Nobody thinks it’s a good idea and many think it’s a potential death trap but nobody wants to interfere. I have had so many arguments over this with him and feel exhausted with stress and worry. He tells me I’m being ridiculous and over protective. The boys have been told they have to sleep up there! I don’t know what else to do, almost phoned social services but don’t want to go down the route. So instead I phoned building inspector who is now coming Monday. I’m hoping he will confirm it’s unsafe and needs to come down. I’m sure it will all kick off as will make dh look stupid but what else am I supposed to do? I will try and enclose picture. Surely this is not normal???

The other thing that bothers me about the stairs is the width of the gaps. Aren’t bannisters and steps supposed to me made smaller than the size of a child’s head? If they slipped their whole body through their head would get stuck.

I’ll be fine tomorrow as the builders should be around plus my mum

And what happens when they aren’t around on Tuesday or Wednesday or next week? Please inform your mum of your worries and glad you’re phoning Women’s Aid.

He's never been violent to me before

Was that before this: he pushed me out of the way. He's quite intimidating? He also manhandled your children out of your mum's house to sleep in the beds they aren't safe in and are frightened of.

I think you've been putting up with more than you realise.

Sagradafamiliar - I hear you. I guess when you put it like that. What I mean is he hasn’t physically attacked me. But yes pushing me out of the way was pretty hideous and yes it was intimidating.

I've had plenty of disagreements with my husband over the last 15 years but never once has either of us ever felt the need to push the other. That's so, so far from normal in a healthy relationship I'm worried you have lost all perspective.

I'd make an appointment to see a solicitor so you can at least understand your options.

Do you have pets sleepyhorse? If so, how is DH with them?
Has he ever done anything approaching a strangle hold on you, even if in bed and supposedly “in play”?

If he mistreats animals or ‘pretends’ to strangle (in a way which doesn’t really feel like comedy), it’s an indicator for risk of violence toward you or others.

Op you said he physically took the kids out your mothers house, that he pushed you out thr way when you tried to stop him putting thr kids in danger, at what point do you classify it as violence?

And at what point is it neglectful or abusive to make young kids sleep up there. Especially one who is scared of heights?

Because for me it's went past those points.

Why did you feel that you and the children ‘had’ to share a single mattress on the mezzanine last night? What would have happened if you’d refused and said no, we’re all sleeping in our own beds on the ground level? Why weren’t you able to do this sensible thing? What are you afraid of?

It seems to me that despite what you say, you are very scared of him and your behaviour reflects this. And rightly so. If he is able to intimidate you into sleeping somewhere so uncomfortable and into allowing your kids to do the same, this really isn’t normal. Please get out, get away from him, and take steps to keep you and the kids safe in the meantime. Publicly humiliating him via the building supervisor might feel like what you want to do, but will you be safe then and afterwards if you do?

What does your mum say OP? Is she scared of him, too?
Two scared women and two scared kids - if you call the police they are going to believe you just on the numbers. He sounds dangerously close to deranged.

Tilesfloors - yes I guess I am intimidated by him but I guess I was also just avoiding another huge argument had I bought their mattresses down from the attic. I made sure I stayed with them the whole time and I probably managed about 2 hours sleep which yes is really shit. I am however planning on sleeping at my mums tonight with the boys. I know this is going to cause an argument but I guess I’ll just have to deal with that followed by the shitty WhatsApp messages I’ll get. It’s a rubbish situation I’m in but there is only so much I can do til the inspector comes tomorrow. There is nowhere else for me to go other than my mums. My aim isn’t to publically humiliate him in front of inspector, I just feel that I have to be there to make sure dh doesn’t distract him and stop him seeing the rooms. I have only contacted him as I’m pretty sure the inspector is the only person dh will listen to. Dh might not even be there when he visits, I don’t know his exact plans tomorrow. Also I don’t understand what dh can say to me as it was only a matter of time before the inspector has to come back to check everything comply’s with building regs. Just better to get sorted sooner rather later for the sake of my kids safety

The boys generally have a good relationship with him, they clearly just don’t feel comfortable sleeping up there understandably and are just going along with what daddy says as he is a bit stern and intimidating. No my mum isn’t scared of him - she gives as good as she gets. He’s been pretty rude to her over Xmas and people are starting to notice. I’m pretty sure if any of you met him (if you didn’t know what I’ve told you) you would like him. He has a very friendly persona and people always like him. When I tell my friends what goes on at home, Most people are generally shocked

Well done for sorting the Building Inspector. Hope it all goes well tomorrow. Those stairs are fucking lethal. Perhaps DH might fall down them and through the window and solve all your problems.

Rebel - 😂😂

I’ve just sat in Sainsbury’s car park having a much needed cry 😥 Why is life so bloody hard sometimes!

When we had our loft conversion in the 80s, to comply with building regs, had to remove a glass door which would have been a metre away from the bottom of new open staircase, regulaltions have been tightened up since then. Another point is the gap between treads this is too big, there needs to be an infill to make the gap smaller our open staircase has an infill making the gap 12cm between treads

That is the crazies position for stairs I have ever seen. They could fall backwards out of the open windows.
Don’t let building control man even suggest that the windows be on a short opening system

Maybe your builder has built them purposefully like that knowing that they will have to come down anyway. Does your DH bully them too?

Dear God, I wouldn't even let my adult DDs sleep up there.

Does he not love his children? Because in my mind, he's trying to fatally injure them with his birdbrained ideas.

What is also scary is when you are at the top, looking down through the window right to the ground! If that doesn't give someone vertigo I don't know what will!

Highly dangerous if someone sleepwalks or needs the loo in the night. So poorly thought through.

Op please escalate this or let your mum do it on your behalf. You have nothing to fear from social services as they would want the boys to be safe and your dh is not allowing you to protect them.

It's utter madness. His ego has got the better of him and now is putting them in danger and you because you want to protect them.

I’m pretty sure if any of you met him (if you didn’t know what I’ve told you) you would like him. He has a very friendly persona and people always like him. When I tell my friends what goes on at home, Most people are generally shocked

Op, they are likely shocked it's so bad, not that he personally does it.

In my experience people who live with abusive unintelligent bullies always say oh but he's charming to everyone else, where as everyone else thinks he's an arsehole, doesn't wish to tell you and doesn't wish to interfere. Don't under estimate people's ability to spot someone horrible. The fact they play along doesn't mean they think he's a nice guy.

Does he have many close personal friends? Guys he's known for years, who he spends time with one on one, phone him for a chat, invite him out etc? Not work colleagues, but real friends?

Bluntness - yes he does have a lot of friends in our small town. He is Mr sociable, always buying people drinks, joking away in the pub. I certainly think a few people are starting to see his true colours

sleepyhead we understand that your aim isn’t to publically humiliate yr DH but that is not how he’ll see it. Even if he’s not there he will view it as this, and as you trying to take back control. This is not allowed (in the head of an abuser) and ‘measures to re-establish control’ will be put in place........
Look up the Duluth model of power and control, and see here, The Rules of the Game (copied from Pat Craven’s The Freedom Programme I think):
www.sharonbryanconsultancy.com/rules-of-the-game

Your DH sounds like my Dad. Don't waste your life with him like my Mum has.

Another thing that is bugging me is he keeps saying I’m selfish and lazy at any opportunity in between swearing at me. I’m not perfect but I actually wouldn’t describe myself as either of these. So when I tell him he clearly has no respect for me - he says “you need to earn respect” - what a weird thing to say???