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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is DH having some kind of mental breakdown?

439 replies

sleepyhorse · 04/01/2020 23:34

Bit of a weird one and not sure where to start....married 14 years with 2 dc. Dh a real people pleaser, charming with everyone else etc However marriage never been great, he has been abusive and undermining me on and off for years. Only reason we are still together is for kids and financial reasons. I’m pretty unhappy but it’s now been taken to a completely new level.
We had huge renovations on house and had to rent for a year whilst he instructed builders to make a mezzanine in each of the boys bedroom (where they will sleep). I told him from the start I wasn’t happy with this and after seeing how high it was my concerns grew even more and I begged him to stop as just thought it was bad idea (unsafe for a 9 and 11yr old plus couldn’t see the point when they both have perfectly good size rooms). He ignored me and told builders to continue. We moved back in just before Xmas and then came the fitting of the step ladders they built in which in my opinion are too steep and he will only put hand rail on one side. In one of the bedrooms the ladder finishes right in front of the bedroom window which is on 2nd floor. My son is autistic and scared of heights. The whole things is madness but he won’t take the ladders down and is making the boys sleep up there, all because he wants to impress our friends so they think the boys have the coolest bedrooms. Nobody thinks it’s a good idea and many think it’s a potential death trap but nobody wants to interfere. I have had so many arguments over this with him and feel exhausted with stress and worry. He tells me I’m being ridiculous and over protective. The boys have been told they have to sleep up there! I don’t know what else to do, almost phoned social services but don’t want to go down the route. So instead I phoned building inspector who is now coming Monday. I’m hoping he will confirm it’s unsafe and needs to come down. I’m sure it will all kick off as will make dh look stupid but what else am I supposed to do? I will try and enclose picture. Surely this is not normal???

OP posts:
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Zaphodsotherhead · 05/01/2020 12:49

The problems would come if he needs to remortgage to finance buying out OP and OP's mum and the mortgage company refuses additional finance on the grounds of the house not meeting building regulations.

Shedidnt · 05/01/2020 12:50

The aesthetics of it would be bothering me more than anything else.

Bluntness100 · 05/01/2020 12:54

The problems would come if a family member hurt themselves. Which is hugely possible and an accident waiting to happen.

I'm just stunned anyone would do that to their own home. It's like something out an episode of "honey I ruined the house". If does look like a cheap diy job. I'd be worried about the quality of the workmanship elsewhere if the builders will do that to a property ie is the mezzanine it's self even stable.

No fucking way I'd be going up there, never mind with kids. How anyone can make their own kids go up there is beyond me.

CakeandCustard28 · 05/01/2020 13:13

Your husband is dangerous and abusive. Can you not take the children and leave? Contact women’s aid.

Daisydoola · 05/01/2020 13:21

Looks like a deathtrap, the window being so close is making me feel sick.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 05/01/2020 13:34

If the quality and logic behind the ridiculous stairs is an indicator of the workmanship in the rest of the house, you have a much bigger problem on your hands.

Your husband is an out and out bully and your boys are learning this behaviour. For their sakes and your own sanity, I urge you to divorce this man. No decent (or intelligent) man would ever have wanted that staircase built, and no professional contentious builder would have built it.

TrueCrimeFan · 05/01/2020 13:56

Bonkers! Looks rubbish, unpractical and unsafe

sleepyhorse · 05/01/2020 14:03

To be fair the builders have done a great job with the rest of the house. It’s just their bedrooms that look atrocious and unsafe. They just did what they were told. Thank you for all your support! Looking at local women’s aid to contact tomorrow! ❤️

OP posts:
Pumpkinpie1 · 05/01/2020 14:05

I showed the photos to Mr P who said they’d never pass building regs ,!!,

Bluntness100 · 05/01/2020 14:08

Yes my husband just got back he's an engineer and his father built houses and his technical response was "yeah he's totally fucked that".

🤣

TheLittleBrownFox · 05/01/2020 14:12

Your husband is abusive, you know your husband is abusive... the mezanines that the children don't even want and aren't safe, aren't even the point. Make your plans and leave him and his mezzanines to himself.

sleepyhorse · 05/01/2020 14:14

I’m nervous that it’s all going to kick off tomorrow as obviously dh doesn’t know the building inspector is coming and I think he might be working from home tomorrow. I’ll keep you all posted on what has been said (that’s if I’m still alive after tomorrow 🤣😂)

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BoswellSolver · 05/01/2020 14:22

Christ OP. I'm honestly worried about you, have you got your phone set so it can call the police on speed dial??

Frouby · 05/01/2020 14:22

Op they look dreadful and are unsafe which you know.

Your dh sounds very like my stepdad, who had a full scale mental breakdown when I was 11/12. He did weird stuff like that. Did the kitchen floor in wooden floorboards which looked shit, then took them back off. Knocked down and old but perfectly constructed outbuilding and rebuilt it using junk he found. Built a weird window guard in my brothers room to keep him safe but it completely blocked out the light and looked like a prison cell. Various other random things in the years leading up to the breakdown. He was also very abusive and controlling.

I would say you need him to get help, which he probably won't do as he won't admit or be aware that anything is wrong. Failing that and given what else you have said I would make plans to leave. He sounds as though he is obsessive about the house so let him buy you (and your mum) out and start again somewhere else.

RoLaren · 05/01/2020 14:27

Just showed your picture to my husband. 'Fuck that shit!' is the most polite response he came out with.

You need to get away, clear your head and open your eyes. When you spend so much time in proximity to madness/abuse you don't see it clearly.

CheddarGorgeous · 05/01/2020 14:34

OP is there any way you can have a friend - preferably male - with you tomorrow? I'm worried about you.

jazzdancer · 05/01/2020 14:34

Looks awful OP Thanks

Could a spiral staircase be installed AWAY from the window? With full handrails on either side and grips on every step? It could be kept as a play area with the bedding area downstairs.

sleepyhorse · 05/01/2020 14:39

I’ll be fine tomorrow as the builders should be around plus my mum

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StrawberryJam200 · 05/01/2020 14:40

Number One Priority is to call Women’s Aid, local office if there is one (or another DV organisation locally). They will make you feel sane, do a risk assessment for yr sons and you living with your husband, know how to involve police, what alternative housing options might be and have access to legal advice. Is there another family member apart from your mum that you could take the boys to - next door being a little too near?! She might need to go with you, to support you but also to stop him from taking things out on her in your absence. Or a close friend, preferably one whose address he doesn’t know. Would your DC be OK about going away, at least for a while? Women’s Aid can also advise you on safety plans if you have to continue living there. As you’ve already said, husband’s reaction when the Inspector arrives - or perhaps more importantly, when he’s left - is not going to be pretty. I don’t think you should be around. I actually would think about cancelling the inspection if possible, until you’ve been advised on a safety plan. The police can also advise you on this sort of immediate situation but it seems to be a bit of a lottery how much support they give a woman.

sleepyhorse · 05/01/2020 14:41

Jazzdancer- I think they just need to come down.

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OdeToDiazepam · 05/01/2020 14:43

Hope it goes ok tomorrow

sleepyhorse · 05/01/2020 14:45

Strawberryjam- he’s never been violent with me before and if he is then I’ll call the police. The kids will be around too as they don’t go back to school til Tuesday. Obviously it’s not going to be pleasant but he needs to be told it’s not safe, sort his shit out and grow up!

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RandomMess · 05/01/2020 14:52

As well as dangerous they are truly fugly!!!

StrawberryJam200 · 05/01/2020 14:55

There is always a first time, I’m afraid to say, OP. It sounds like this is you standing up to him and really challenging his judgement, in front of other people, which you possibly haven’t done much before? That is a dangerous thing to do with an abusive man. They’re often not physically violent until they feel they need to be in order to “reinforce their boundaries”. You’ve obviously got the boys, inc one with special needs, to think about. Am pretty sure the Police or DV support worker advice would be to think very very carefully and make a safety plan which may = not being present.

incognitomum · 05/01/2020 14:56

Ewww hideous monstrosities!!

Best of luck for tomorrow Flowers