Is DH having some kind of mental breakdown?

[sleepyhorse]

Bit of a weird one and not sure where to start....married 14 years with 2 dc. Dh a real people pleaser, charming with everyone else etc However marriage never been great, he has been abusive and undermining me on and off for years. Only reason we are still together is for kids and financial reasons. I’m pretty unhappy but it’s now been taken to a completely new level.
We had huge renovations on house and had to rent for a year whilst he instructed builders to make a mezzanine in each of the boys bedroom (where they will sleep). I told him from the start I wasn’t happy with this and after seeing how high it was my concerns grew even more and I begged him to stop as just thought it was bad idea (unsafe for a 9 and 11yr old plus couldn’t see the point when they both have perfectly good size rooms). He ignored me and told builders to continue. We moved back in just before Xmas and then came the fitting of the step ladders they built in which in my opinion are too steep and he will only put hand rail on one side. In one of the bedrooms the ladder finishes right in front of the bedroom window which is on 2nd floor. My son is autistic and scared of heights. The whole things is madness but he won’t take the ladders down and is making the boys sleep up there, all because he wants to impress our friends so they think the boys have the coolest bedrooms. Nobody thinks it’s a good idea and many think it’s a potential death trap but nobody wants to interfere. I have had so many arguments over this with him and feel exhausted with stress and worry. He tells me I’m being ridiculous and over protective. The boys have been told they have to sleep up there! I don’t know what else to do, almost phoned social services but don’t want to go down the route. So instead I phoned building inspector who is now coming Monday. I’m hoping he will confirm it’s unsafe and needs to come down. I’m sure it will all kick off as will make dh look stupid but what else am I supposed to do? I will try and enclose picture. Surely this is not normal???

I think it’s time to get SS involved
I called women’s aid and they referred
Me anyway

This is madness and the beginning of the end

Deep breath and make some call , it will
Unleash hell but has to be done

What a cunt he is . Sorry , it was abuse to my kids that made me end it eventually

There are many services that can help you
But it’s so scary making that first step
His behaviour is wrong wrong wrong and dangerous

Meant to say stairs are coming down in next couple of days as waiting for builders to come back. The boys have been banned from going up there again!

But what happens when the stairs come down? Do the mezzanines stay? That makes no sense.

Hearhooves- yes I will making their beds up tomorrow. Gorgeous white wooden framed beds 🛌

Bluntness - yes the mezzanine will just be used as storage which is welcomed. According to building inspector they are safe (just not for kids to sleep in!!) But stairs are definitely going!

Hurray for the building inspector OP and double hurray for you. I have the feeling this is just the start of a long journey but if you can keep your drive and stick to your instincts you and your boys will get through whatever he throws at you.

The whole thread made it abundantly clear that your husband is an abusive egotist. But his reaction to the inspector's "death traps" comment is almost unbelievable.

Any halfway decent dad (and even some crap ones) would be horrified to realize his plans so endangered his DC. He should have been begging your forgiveness for not listening to you. But no.

After the guy left he said to me “I hope you’ve got a bloody good divorce lawyer”

The man has no shame - nor any sense of proportion. Get out. And be wary. Don't assume he won't attack you physically.

I really do feel most concerned for your children in the middle of all this.

You have won the battle now. It is time to make sure that your children are freed from this conflict; to relieve them of the terrible responsibility of having to side with one parent or the other. It is a dreadful feeling for children, especially when feelings are running so high.

Make your decision - do you want to stay with this man or not? Then get stuck in to the necessary steps to achieve whatever you decide. But if you do decide to stay, please do not put these poor children into a similar situation again. And this is very likely to happen as this is a difficult man.

I am not criticising you in any way; but wanted to flag up that the risks to your children are not just physical ones of falling off a staircase, but long-term psychological and emotional consequences.

I lived in a home where my parents were waging perpetual psychological warfare, and, whilst we were physically well cared-for and there was no violence, the long term results of having to be on one side or the other and feeling helpless and manipulated have stayed with me. It is agony. Please make sure your children do not finish up having to endure this. You are an adult with choices to make - they have no choice - they just have to drift along in the wake.

As an adult now I realise that in fact they were very co-dependant - that the "game" they were playing was their lifeblood - but we children were the victims.

As you can see I have good reasons to be concerned about this - and maybe you may feel I am over-stating things - but I wanted to throw this into the mix. I hope you will treat it as positive advice.

Mischance - thank you for sharing your story. I can assure you 100% that I’ve made my decision to leave him. I’m currently taking all the necessary steps as advised by you lovely people on here. Waiting a solicitor to return my call tomorrow! X

I think you're projecting somewhat, Mischance.

You say please do not put these poor children into a similar situation again and speak of your DPs (and by extension OP) waging perpetual psychological warfare.

I see no signs of this. This isn't it six of one, half a dozen situation What I see is OP sticking to her guns because she is terrified by the risk to her DC.

Saying please do not put these poor children into a similar situation again is totally unfair. The OP had no choice. Should the OP have shut up about the death trap stairs to avoid domestic conflict? She did

So glad to hear the building inspector backed you up and that you're leaving him. It really is a completely untenable position you are in, he clearly has far more regard for his ego than the DC's safety. It's abhorrent.

If your DM has money in the house, and the remainder is 50/50 yours/his, is it worth finding out if you can buy him out rather than him buying out you and your DM?

Although I can see the argument for wanting nothing more to do with the fucking place!

You need to tread (pun not intended!) very carefully around your husband. He sounds like my ex and once we split the abuse escalated ten fold. We are nearly three years from the split and I'm back in court for the second time in a year over custody. He's playing a very dirty game and is utterly ruthless. I honestly had no idea when we were together as he hid lots of his nasty traits. Please take all advice Women's aid offer you, if you split it won't be a straight forward affair, he's liable to be awful so protect yourself and the kids as much as possible. Try and gather as much paper evidence as you can, messages ect as this will help. Don't let this put you off separating, the damage my ex was doing when we were together was awful, I'd just grown so used to it I didn't realise how bad it was.

So just had a bit of a shock!!! DH in London tonight and I poked my head in his office and noticed on his pc he has been researching ‘shared custody of your children’

So he’s just pretty much been told today he’s putting his kids lives in danger with the stairs and they need to come down. Yet he thinks he’s entitled to joint custody! Seriously?!!!

And blimey that was quick!!!

Told you. Keep notes of everything building inspection says.

Earlygrey - I will call building regs office tomorrow. My mum seemed to think that they might not give it to me in writing as they don’t like getting involved in domestics?

You don’t have to say it’s because of a domestic, say your husband needs to see it in black and white.

You really need to get the jump on him. Find and copy any financial information, get your and your children’s passports safe, leave bags with essentials, any medications etc at your mum’s house. He’s not fucking about, please be smart and be safe!

The guy definitely picked up in the tension as he asked my mum afterwards if we were divorced

Your DH is barking mad, and a nasty fucker. I hope he trips and falls down those stairs before the builders get a chance to remove them.

For God's sake, don't play nice now, he's not going to. Shared custody indeed. Keep your head screwed on

Whatthefox- left passports at mums already and in the case with other stuff

I have been given one solicitors number already (not sure how good they are) but what is the best way to find a good solicitor unless someone personally recommends?

Might Women's Aid have contacts with solicitors who are experienced in this?

Tartyflette - that’s a good point. I’ll enquire tomorrow

Good luck to you and your children. Never look back.

Good luck 💐