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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is DH having some kind of mental breakdown?

439 replies

sleepyhorse · 04/01/2020 23:34

Bit of a weird one and not sure where to start....married 14 years with 2 dc. Dh a real people pleaser, charming with everyone else etc However marriage never been great, he has been abusive and undermining me on and off for years. Only reason we are still together is for kids and financial reasons. I’m pretty unhappy but it’s now been taken to a completely new level.
We had huge renovations on house and had to rent for a year whilst he instructed builders to make a mezzanine in each of the boys bedroom (where they will sleep). I told him from the start I wasn’t happy with this and after seeing how high it was my concerns grew even more and I begged him to stop as just thought it was bad idea (unsafe for a 9 and 11yr old plus couldn’t see the point when they both have perfectly good size rooms). He ignored me and told builders to continue. We moved back in just before Xmas and then came the fitting of the step ladders they built in which in my opinion are too steep and he will only put hand rail on one side. In one of the bedrooms the ladder finishes right in front of the bedroom window which is on 2nd floor. My son is autistic and scared of heights. The whole things is madness but he won’t take the ladders down and is making the boys sleep up there, all because he wants to impress our friends so they think the boys have the coolest bedrooms. Nobody thinks it’s a good idea and many think it’s a potential death trap but nobody wants to interfere. I have had so many arguments over this with him and feel exhausted with stress and worry. He tells me I’m being ridiculous and over protective. The boys have been told they have to sleep up there! I don’t know what else to do, almost phoned social services but don’t want to go down the route. So instead I phoned building inspector who is now coming Monday. I’m hoping he will confirm it’s unsafe and needs to come down. I’m sure it will all kick off as will make dh look stupid but what else am I supposed to do? I will try and enclose picture. Surely this is not normal???

OP posts:
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debbs77 · 06/01/2020 15:13

I wasnt disagreeing, just saying I don't see a huge problem.

The husband is the problem

SoTiredTonight · 06/01/2020 15:13

Yes, he most certainly is, but that doesn’t make the stupid construction any less hazardous.

sleepyhorse · 06/01/2020 15:14

Debbs77 - how do those stairs look safe for anyone let alone a child?? Have you seen the pictures?

OP posts:
Lillygolightly · 06/01/2020 15:21

Well done on you for getting the building inspector round and I’m so glad the inspector has said what is needed. Will your DH adhere to what the inspector has said? Or is he going to take his time a drag his feet over pulling them down?

I can’t understand to be honest that if he wanted these mezzanine floors and for them to look good why he would chose such an odd way of laying them out. Firstly it would have made sense for any staircase to run against the wall as it’s easier to brace and would only need to enclose or put a handrail along the open side. Secondly having the stairs running against the wall would mean that the room also had more space and the stairs wouldn’t be in the middle (or indeed right in the path of the windows) of the room which is frankly just odd. Thirdly especially if the boys are scared of heights I would have plaster boarded/stud walled the upstairs space to enclose it.

Perhaps all those things above were advised by the builders (I’d be surprised if they hadn’t) but he didn’t want to listen as he thought his idea was best. Maybe just maybe even he can see that it’s a bit shit but can’t possibly bring himself to admit it which in turn has made him even more forceful of the boys using the rooms as he intended and trying to convince them it’s great, all so he can save face.

I can’t believe he would willingly put his own children at such risk and be actively compromising their safety. Definitely a LTB offence!

ErrmWTAF · 06/01/2020 15:28

I'm picturing him with the purple face and the steamy ears. Grin.

But seriously, if you're even one iota worried about your/the DC safety, get out of there today.

Equanimitas · 06/01/2020 15:35

After the guy left he said to me “I hope you’ve got a bloody good divorce lawyer”

FFS. He's just been told that he could have killed his children, and that's his first reaction? As you say, he should be apologising to you both for wasting all that money, and for insisting that the children use the death traps.

Equanimitas · 06/01/2020 15:35

@debbs77, you don't see a huge problem with a couple of death traps? Seriously?

Equanimitas · 06/01/2020 15:37

Did the inspector check the rest of the work that has been done?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/01/2020 15:50

"Only reason we are still together is for kids and financial reasons"

And staying for either of those reasons to date is in your case an exceedingly bad idea. You are all being controlled and therefore abused by him. You cannot use the children as a reason to stay with such a man, look at the deathtraps of staircases that have been built for them. These have unsurprisingly not passed building control.

You have stayed for really your own reasons; it has nothing to do with the kids. Is this what you want to teach your children about relationships; for them to grow up thinking that yes, this is how men treat women?.

You need to get this man out of your day to day lives because the longer you stay with him, the more ground down you will become.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/01/2020 15:52

Womens Aid can and will help you leave your abuser. Your safety, as well as your childrens here, is of paramount concern. He does not give a fig about any of you, as the only responsible adult of the piece it is down to you to get your children away from him.

Brenna24 · 06/01/2020 16:07

Well done. I think that a bloody good divorce lawyer is a great idea.

Shesalittlemadam · 06/01/2020 16:07

Are you ok @SleepyHorse?

Isohungy · 06/01/2020 16:21

Good for you OP!!

I really hope you and your boys manage to escape him soon Flowers

Musti · 06/01/2020 16:49

Agree with everyone, those stairs look crap and are dangerous!! I had to sleep in a mezzanine when staying with my brother and I bloody hated it. Having to go to the toilet at night was a pain when you're half asleep and have to go down unsafe ladder like stairs.

But his treatment of tou and the kids is vile so all the best op.

Turquoisesea · 06/01/2020 16:52

Most reasonable people on hearing from a professional how dangerous the stairs are would have being apologising to you and admitting their mistake. The fact he is STILL not getting it is ridiculous. Sounds like his ego comes above everything else including his children’s safety!

sleepyhorse · 06/01/2020 16:58

Aside from the stairs being very dangerous, his concern was also if there was a fire up there it would be very difficult to get them down.

Can you believe I just fell down those blimin stairs whilst moving the mattress back down in one of the rooms! Fucking stairs!!!! 😂

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 06/01/2020 17:00

Hope you are ok.

How is your DH now? Has he said anything else to you?

tenredthings · 06/01/2020 17:05

Do the mezzanines have barriers ? Could you put netting up between the mezzanine and the roof ? Tie a rope to the ladder so they can hold on as they come down ? All this is ignoring the fact he's a controlling bastard. The Obvious compromise is put a mattress in each room on the ground level as well and let the boys choose where they want to sleep. Mezzanine Space could be used as place to hang out with friends if they wanted but sleep on floor level.

tenredthings · 06/01/2020 17:06

Sorry, I should read the thread Blush

sleepyhorse · 06/01/2020 17:08

Nope still getting the silent treatment which is fine. I have got ball rolling with solicitor etc and will call women’s aid tomorrow. I will see how things are at home next few days before I do anything drastic.

Dh was trying to worm his way round the inspector by saying he was happy to replace with a different type of stair. But I said absolutely no way and then once the guy suggested re fire hazard up in the mezzanine he realised he had to swallow his big ego!

OP posts:
Earlgreybee · 06/01/2020 17:09

Also document ALL this stuff and be ready to get some stuff in writing from the buildings control guy because after you get divorced will you really trust him to look after your kids on his own?

SoTiredTonight · 06/01/2020 17:11

Well done for sticking to your guns sleepyhorse, can’t have been easy. I hope he doesn’t kick off with you once he finds his voice again.

Bluntness100 · 06/01/2020 17:16

What a twat he is, seriously any one looking at those steps knew it was a no go. I know nothing about building regs and even I could take one look at them and see they were wildly dangerous. Who on God's name puts them up then forces young kids to sleep up there. It's honestly shocking.

Has the whole thing inc mezzanines to come down? And has he answered why he lied and said it was approved by building regs?

StrawberryJam200 · 06/01/2020 17:18

OP, it’s not drastic to make sure that you and your DC are safe from physical and emotional abuse.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/01/2020 17:34

Quite apart from anything else (and the safety concerns are enormous) mattresses aren't designed to go straight onto a solid surface like a floor. They need slats under them to allow air to circulate otherwise they go mouldy so as well as being completely unsafe they are also impractical to use as a sleeping space if he intends to just put the mattresses on the floor.