Divorcing sulking H - will it happen in 2020?

[jamaisjedors]

So this is my FIFTH thread, and no, I'm still not divorced and probably won't be in 2020 as my exH is refusing to sign the initial papers and so this could drag on until 2021 (2 years after our separation) when I can divorce him without his consent.

First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Now I am at the stage of entering financial negotiations with exH through lawyers and solicitors plus he has appealed the judge's initial decision so we have to go back to court in mid-February.

Fun start to the New Year which is why, a whole year on, I still need the support and advice of all of those who've been through similar situations or who are just naturally wise !

I have also come a very long way this year.

Leaving a controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Actually NO, the hardest thing I ever did was STAY in that relationship so long in a bid to keep our family together and make it work.

I'd love to think that by sharing this journey on here it might help others who are doubting their strength and capacity to leave - my life is a million times better now although I still have a lot of healing to do.

I agree with pointy. You have years and years of stuff locked away in that 'hidden memory' closet in your brain. The place where we shove things that we really don't want to deal with or think about. Now that you're divorcing, your mind feels that it's 'safe' to start opening that door. And so your brain is starting to process this information bit by bit through dreams and (unfortunately) eczema breakouts.

For me it was hives. I couldn't figure it out because he was GONE. You'd think if I was going to have hives it would have been when he was there! I don't know if I had actual nightmares as even now I rarely remember bad dreams, but I did wake up with a vague feeling that something 'bad' had happened. I started counseling (not for those reasons, but just to learn to stop picking shit men) but once we started processing those things 'out loud' the hives and that bad feeling on awakening went away.

Give yourself time.

It does sound like a touch of PTSD Jamais. I hope you can talk to your counsellor about it.

It will get better.

Sounds like me, I was diagnosed with c ptsd and have had two years of councelling. It does help, as does EMDR

Useful thoughts, thank you.

Several people have pointed out ptsd on the thread and I think that is probably right.

The thing I'm not sure about is how counselling is going to help with that.

I've been seeing my therapist for over 3 years now. It has been incredibly helpful in clarifying my relationship with exh and then leaving him, but now, I dont know.

The last couple of times I was just going through factual things about the divorce and custody of the kids and how to handle exh.

I guess I need to steer it back to my nightmares and reactions to exh.

But as @AcrossthePond55 says, the memories are kind of locked up and boxed away- I do get flashes of nasty things he said or did (pretty much every day) but then they pass.

I guess i just need to be patient (not my strongest point!).

9 months seems like a long time (and it's over a year since I initially decided to leave) but actually it's nothing after a 23 year relationship.

I got dinner made early @flouncyfanny and did indeed put MY music on in the kitchen, and went to bed early with a hot water bottle and a herbal tea.

I managed to get an undisturbed night's sleep

I guess if you go to counselling and don't discuss it you can't say it hasn't helped?

True!!!

traumaprevention.com/what-is-tre/. Is a great way to release trauma. Works on a neurological level rather than psychological level and is really easy to do. Has been used a lot in American military for ptsd
Look at David Berceli on you tube if interested

It's a strange thing Jamais, I never ever had eczema, but when I was going through the end of my marriage I suddenly developed it in my eyes. Just my eyes
Maybe counselling will help, yoga, mindfulness, and just time to heal.
Just be aware that it's part of your body's reaction to the trauma

(I am trying to sound full of wisdom talking about mindfulness etc, after many GP appointments I fixed my eyes using my dog's steroid cream. Very very inadvisable but it worked.)

Onwards and upwards

Hope you get more relaxing sleep Jamais. Sorry to read about the eczema.

You can't truly process what you don't acknowledge. And you can't acknowledge what you don't verbalize. It's all about speaking your own truth. And part of your own truth is that "XX happened. It was real and it was wrong".

And having a counselor validate your feelings is huge. At least it was for me. Having her look me in the eye and say "My God, that really sucked! It was so wrong and there is no reason/excuse in the Universe that would mean it was OK or that it was your fault", well, it meant so much. I think it was because when I confided in friends and they expressed horror, deep down inside I felt "Of course you say that. You love me" and I invalidated their response. But having an impartial professional say it, IDK, I guess it made it the undeniable truth. And from the undeniable truth I could progress to dissecting. Then from dissecting I could work through. Then from working through I could finally put it in it's correct place and move on.

For me 'calming techniques' like Yoga or mindfulness simply masked the root cause. All that stuff was still there, I was just using techniques to shove it further back in that mental closet. For me, it needed to be dragged out into the light of day. Calming techniques came after I'd actually dealt with it and put it in it's proper place.

I will say that my marriage was only 5 years (of hell) and that it took me a good 18 months of weekly counseling to accomplish all I wanted. It wasn't just putting the abuse in it's proper place, there were other things I wanted to work on/improve about myself.

Jamais just to say if you do try the TRE method as linked above please only do it in a supportive environment, having a good friend with you at the minimum. My Yoga teacher did a session of it with us and none of us have any massive issues to deal with but it is quite powerful stuff and could be a bit scary by yourself.

You could try EMDR. www.ptsduk.org/treatment-options/eye-movement-desensitisation-reprocessing-emdr/ Only it and CBT have an evidence base for PTSD. You'd have to find a therapist tirained in it, but if you google you'll probably find one locally. It's really good for taking away the impact of the memories and how frequently they recur. Would recommend.

It's also said to work faster than most other therapies.

What Across said. It was only when my (fairly new to me, then) councellor looked horrified and told me how dreadful what I'd just told her actually was, that I finally realised how bad the marriage had been and just how severe his abuse of me had been. Because councellors really don't often show shock or horror.

I'd been conditioned to believe that it was all my fault and "I made him do it" and as no one authority seemed to believe me, I just shut down about it, for the next 30 odd years.

And yes, friends and loved ones would be outraged, because they love you, so yes it isn't the same as when a stranger believes you. I know that sounds odd, but it's true.

Ok, yes I think I need to be more honest with my psychologist.

Recently I've also been focusing on how well I'm doing, partly because I do feel so much stronger in myself and also I am someone who tends to focus on the positive and the relief I feel after having left exh is huge.

However, I know that in recent months I have been holding back a little, as exh had inferred he was going to use my seeing a psychologist against me in court (proof I was sick in the head and unstable).

I actually did outright ask her last time if she would write a report for court to say I was psychologically stable.

She said she thought I was, but that bringing a psychologist's report to court could work against me.

I guess now I know that I can relax a little and talk over some of the not so great stuff with her.

Probably even when I was working with her while I was married to exh I was minimizing his behaviour because my objective was to "save" our marriage.

As @Catmaiden and @AcrossthePond55 have said, I did have a moment when my therapist was shocked, it was her reaction to exh sulking all weekend over my birthday (my original thread) and also to the fact that I just carried on and didn't call him out on it or just go home.

At that point she said that we needed to work on the hold he had over me (coercive control but no term yet in french).

And I realised that it was serious, not just normal relationship problems.

It's horrible when you get that moment of clarity, you see your situation through the eyes of someone else, and realise that the way you are living, and the treatment you get, is totally wrong

So you need therapy because of his abuse and he wants to turn it on you 🙄

He is a piece of work

You are seeing a therapist because you were in an abusive relationship. Your being in that relationship did not affect your ability to parent your children and the goal of your therapy is to help you heal from the wounds that abuse inflicted on you. At no point has there been any question of you being unable to take care of your children.

Your Ex, on the other hand, is in therapy because his mental health issues caused him to be a danger to himself and others around him. He’s been denied custody on this basis. He’s continually failing to accept this and continually failing to prioritise his children.

Keep reframing it this way to yourself. Lots of parents are in therapy, it doesn’t make them bad parents. Him trying to put this across as your being sick in the head is ridiculous. Him trying to make it your issue and deflecting away from him is one of the main ways he’s abused you this whole time.

Psychologist/psychiatrist reports have always massively worked in my favour in court. Particularly as exh refused to see one and clearly needs one.

his mental health issues caused him to be a danger to himself and others around him. He’s been denied custody on this basis. He’s continually failing to accept this and continually failing to prioritise his children.

This is our continued argument in court.

@Wallywobbles
Do you mean reports on you?

For the moment exh hasn't actually used my mental health as an argument in court and has refused to provide any evidence of his stability at all.

But certainly the proof I provided of him being in the psychiatric unit was taken very seriously plus the police report (which said he was trying to set fire to a building to commit suicide).

I have a report from my employer which shows that I am stable and reliable and instrumental in creating good working conditions for other staff and also that I have consistently asked to arrange my working hours around the children.

For the moment I'm keeping any mention of therapy for me out of it...even if I know it is because of him that I need it.

But he (in his paranoia) also believes he had the breakdown because of me and could argue that I pushed him to it

It's unlikely to stand up in court because he would not find a single person to testify to that, but I wouldn't want a doubt cast.

This is not about you though, its about custody for the DCs. The judge saw that you were more than lucid last time. & extremely reasonable considering his denial that he was in psychotic breakdown. I think he would be laughed at if he said that you pushed him to it. The person who had been his whipping boy for your whole marriage, & when finally you found the courage to flee, as you were afraid of him, & considered him a potential danger to his children....
It's hardly surprising you need a counsellor after years of EA

And you seeking help for the abuse you've been subjected to, shows you in a good light, in that you have the self awareness to recognise it would be beneficial for your mental health (and by extension would enhance your ability to parent)

None of which your stbxh has done!

Another Friday, another afternoon spent getting evidence together for my lawyer.

Exh has done a two-pronged attack this time.

A letter to the solicitor which accuses me of fruad all over again and of hiding a flat in the uk (he has dug up a piece of paper from 15 years ago with a typo on the flat number)

According to him I gave 2 flats on the same street and am only declaring one.

Plus a load of rubbish about other details in the financial stuff. None of it is true but there are lots of accusations of me hiding money or my parents hiding money for me and giving it back to me...

I can't tell if the aim is just to make me look bad (his lawyer has submitted this letter to court too) or if he genuinely believes all of this (more paranoia).

And then this afternoon we got his concluding arguments for the custody appeal.

Lots of ranting but we have to reply so I will need to pull out more info for my lawyer over the weekend.

It seems he is still on lots of medication but not as much as when he left hospital (logical). Mostly anti depressants and anti anxiety meds.

No report from his psychiatrist to say he is ok, but no suggestion that I am not sane (although I am a manipulative liar).

Just when I had been looking forward to a bit of peace as the dc are with their dad during the day.

Never mind, I have a couple of yoga classes to go to and just had a fun evening with the dc.

Yup reports on me. Very favourably viewed in court. It's weird that your psy says otherwise because that's the opposite of legal advice I've received. Have you checked it's your lawyer?

Doesn't he have to prove his accusations? Provide evidence from the Land Registry that you do actually have two flats? He just seems to be throwing out random stuff that seems based on reality but actually is just bollocks. Why do you have to skip around in your downtime to prove him wrong? Let him provide the evidence!

He reminds me of a male relative whose version of reality is unlike anyone else's. he says for example I withheld information from him, whereas in actual fact I rang him several times, texted him, whatsapped him and emailed him asking him to call me. He never did return my calls and messages so yes, although strictly it's true I didn't tell him, it certainly wasn't for the want of trying. A slightly different version of reality which isn't actually true. Your ex seems to be the same.