Divorcing sulking H - will it happen in 2020?

[jamaisjedors]

So this is my FIFTH thread, and no, I'm still not divorced and probably won't be in 2020 as my exH is refusing to sign the initial papers and so this could drag on until 2021 (2 years after our separation) when I can divorce him without his consent.

First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Now I am at the stage of entering financial negotiations with exH through lawyers and solicitors plus he has appealed the judge's initial decision so we have to go back to court in mid-February.

Fun start to the New Year which is why, a whole year on, I still need the support and advice of all of those who've been through similar situations or who are just naturally wise !

I have also come a very long way this year.

Leaving a controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Actually NO, the hardest thing I ever did was STAY in that relationship so long in a bid to keep our family together and make it work.

I'd love to think that by sharing this journey on here it might help others who are doubting their strength and capacity to leave - my life is a million times better now although I still have a lot of healing to do.

@FraglesRock - I was thinking the same!

Actually as exH's boss was saying that he thought ex is a lot better I had thought of emailing them that.

I think I'll just drop it into conversation the next time I see them, then there's no written record of it.

Your reply should be little more than No. No apologies, no explanation, no justifications.

I wouldn't recommend this. You can't chide, or be cold or harsh - a personality like this simply cannot tolerate an assault on their ego. You will not be able to teach him to behave - he never will behave. This behaviour of his is how it is and will always be. The way to get the 'best' out of him is to go carefully and, actually, gently. The underlying message doesn't change and is resolute, but the way it is delivered is covered in excessive padding. You cannot agitate the beast.

Ideally you can accommodate each other at some future point

This would be great but it is an ideal that isn't going to happen. He's not like your average person who can be appealed to or persuaded. He's not going to learn any lessons, he is incapable of it. You have to learn how to steer him, making it look like he's steering himself and orchestrating his own triumph - he won't understand fairness or compromise. Your trump card is his ego. It's also your biggest threat.

The tough part about all this is we are traumatised from being mashed to pieces by, essentially, his ego and the myriad ways that manifests. You can do it jamais but do remember that normal rules don't apply.

@jamaisjedors I'm 7 years down your road after splitting from then divorcing XH, he wasn't really a sulker but def tried to control me and everything around him. It had to be his way or no way.
The first few years were horrific I won't lie and after a few instances of him refusing to give DD back after contact I took him to court and got a CAO.
It helped with the control problem as I picked him up on every single thing that was written into it. Plus I hammered it home that kids have a right to see their dad not the other way round.
Seven years on and although he still tries it on a fair bit he has mellowed a little. I'm better at picking my battles too.
It does get easier

springydaff

My suggestion was not intended as a way to influence his behaviour but rather the reverse. Otherwise in my opinion , "managing" him simply continues, and in fact his control does too albeit differently. In fact I subsequently suggested a different approach may be helpful here.

I agree he will not change fundamentally and no hope should be held out for that. Having said that in my experience, as years have passed it has been possible (sometimes) to reach a more amicable approach.

If only pity party translated into French because this is exactly what's going on!

at pity party totally!

Thanks for the feedback from different people with experience of this.

I can see I am going to be "managing him" for the foreseeable future and it's TRUE that my psychologist said to be very careful in negotiations to flatter his ego.. to get what I want.

It's a lot easier now when I feel less powerless and can say to myself " yes hes messing me about and thinks I'm at hos back and call for the kids" but knowing this will look bad for him even it comes to discussions in court over custody when and if he is better.

I can also see that once "permanent" custody arrangements are in place his attitude is really going to p* me off.

For the moment we are in a limbo first waiting for the appeal hearing in mid February and then waiting for it to be a year since he was admitted to hospital to review medication etc

I will be glad to get the financial negotiations out of the way because there is a lot of toing and froing on that and it's like a chess game (ex is a chess player !).

Exh is definitely back in his controlling role there, he wants to go into every little detail and then obviously feels he is making the final decision on whether we reach agreement or not.

Anyway, I have a nice weekend planned with friends so hopefully can take my mind off it all for a bit.

Yes, put him in a box, along with things you don't want from the house. Enjoy your w/e .

He needs that control as he can't control you as a person now.

I suppose the one up-side of him picking over every detail of the finances is that everything will be analysed and 'lawyered over' down to the last cent, so there'll be no risk of you missing out on any secret stashes or leaving expensive loopholes in the deal.

Enjoy your weekend.

Have a great weekend

I like the idea of putting him in a box. There are some lovely wooden ones that you can nail shut. They even have handles on the side....

perhaps a buried treasure chest in a desert island, buried deep under several feet of sand...

I am enjoying making the house my own this weekend, hemming curtains etc and relishing a day to myself.

Not sure any of us describe your ex as a tr

@Haffdonga and @WinterSunglasses have it right. I wouldn't necessarily enter into a debate with friends - more state the fact that it will not benefit the children to see their dad in this state. End of discussion. I think you're bloody brilliant

For the eczema try homeoplasmine. Bizarrely effective.

Homeoplasmine seems to fix everything !

if you go to the UK get some Childs Fram baby moisturizer, (sensitive)
it helps for larger areas

Thanks. I have has eczema since I was born, generally much better since I left exh but flares up every time I have contact with him.

Sure it’s not “contact dermatitis”? You are clearly allergic to him! 🤣

Absolutely!!! Actually while we are married my eczema would usually heal up if we went away but as we neared home I would start scratching.

So glad to be away from that toxic environment and sleep in my own lovely room.

Pity you can’t claim marital compensation for that, then...

Gah, how can it be that 9 months on the "trauma" is still so fresh.

This week I finalised financial documents for the solicitor and so talked to my lawyer about exh and also had a little bit of contact with him via email.

I also "bumped" into him (well saw him a few metres away) at work on Friday.

So this weekend I had a really nice weekend planned and still did some nice things but I am plagued with another outbreak of eczema and spent 3 nights with nightmares specifically about exH so am feeling weepy and shattered today.

I'm so sick of this. I have an appointment with a reflexologist (recommended by a friend who is seeing her within a breast cancer care plan) in a couple of weeks and am seeing my therapist that week too but I am wondering when I am ever going to be able to get exH out of my head and my dreams/nightmares.

I can still feel the after-effects now and am almost afraid to go to sleep tonight because of it.

I know this is awful, but this is your body venting years of bottled up trauma. You are already doing the things you need to heal. Mostly you need time. Eventually you will be interacting with him a lot less and that will help, but you will need time to recover from years of emotional abuse.

I still dream of my alcoholic abusive husband and he has been dead 18 months...

You put up with this for so many years. I think this is only natural. Sending you peaceful sleep