Divorcing sulking H - will it happen in 2020?

[jamaisjedors]

So this is my FIFTH thread, and no, I'm still not divorced and probably won't be in 2020 as my exH is refusing to sign the initial papers and so this could drag on until 2021 (2 years after our separation) when I can divorce him without his consent.

First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Now I am at the stage of entering financial negotiations with exH through lawyers and solicitors plus he has appealed the judge's initial decision so we have to go back to court in mid-February.

Fun start to the New Year which is why, a whole year on, I still need the support and advice of all of those who've been through similar situations or who are just naturally wise !

I have also come a very long way this year.

Leaving a controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Actually NO, the hardest thing I ever did was STAY in that relationship so long in a bid to keep our family together and make it work.

I'd love to think that by sharing this journey on here it might help others who are doubting their strength and capacity to leave - my life is a million times better now although I still have a lot of healing to do.

Sounds to me like he's definitely showing massive big red flag signs that he's not actually getting better.

Have the DC said anything about behaviour changes?

Can you not suggest that this is evidence that his paranoia is escalating, and ask for FULL psychiatric evaluation, as none has been forthcoming, despite frequent requests that affect safety of children?

As said above, the Land Registry will show you only own one.

So that's your own evidence there!

He doesn't sound any better does he...

Any ficticious "Not declaring income" is nothing to do with child contact surely. ? I think he is shooting himself in the foot.
When is the next court date?
He really is not behaving like a normal lucid person.

I agree it's all crazy talk and not in his best interest but I think the strategy is to throw a lot of mud at me and see if some of it sticks.

Also to plant seeds of doubt in the judges' minds about whether I'm telling the truth about HIS mental health.

I could leave it up to him to prove his allegations and we are going to wait for the solicitor to tell us what proof he actually wants.

However as exh's lawyer has forwarded all of this to the court for the appeal over custody AND maintenance amounts we need to at least reply to make sure it doesn't get taken into account and end up reducing the maintenance exh currently pays.

@Mix56 the next hearing is 17th February

This is just getting back at you, & money, filthy little leech

Good luck

Can he stoop any lower! What a creep. Don't get mad, get even...in the sense that he doesn't deserve headspace. Sometimes it helps to feel angry rather than victimised iykwim.

Try not to let him get to you. I know that's easier said than done, best of luck with the next round.

I think this mud-slinging illustrates his abusive bevaviours (the gaslighting, etc... taking a fact and then twisting it to try and suit his needs.) and makes him look desperate and ugly. You have been focussed on the physical and emotional safety of your kids, not your “rights”, etc... This must be acknowledged by the court.

I would hope it works in your favour that you've been consistent in your arguments from day 1, whereas he's throwing around allsorts of accusations which go no-where. But I've got no idea if that's actually how it works or not.

Hope so too, I don't really know how the appeals court will take it.

My lawyer seems to think they will already be annoyed with exH for submitting zillions of documents which are not related to the main issue, the children's safety.

We'll see. I'm waiting on my lawyer's last arguments today (we have til tomorrow to reply) and then there is nothing more that can be done for the moment.

I'm so tired of all this fighting and tension. Until now work has been a refuge from all of that but things have just blown up there too.

Not a risk for me just additional emotional stress I don't need right now.

Everytime you think you are just about handling things, an extra straw comes along to break the camel's back.

Although I am keeping my eye on the fact that things were so much worse last year and I am so much stronger now.

Just starting to get really sad about how things have worked out.

I agree, it is sad that he is hell bent on "punishing" you, via this appeal,
If he was accepting & normal he would already have more time with DC
He is totally in keeping with his personality however... So much better now you don't have him to tiptoe around every day.
remember the SULKING

I hope the work problems aren't being caused by him

Just hold your head high knowing you have sailed straight so far and he has been flapping around in the wind aiming unwittingly into the cliffs.

remember the SULKING I am, I am. Whenever the good memories creep back in, I remember the sulking and the sick feeling in my stomach all the time.

@ScapaFlo the work problems aren't being caused by him but I did recently have to speak to my boss as exH had written a diffamatory letter about me to someone very high up (I am a civil servant).

@justilou1 I'll keep sailing - lots of wind here which should help!!!

I did recently have to speak to my boss as exH had written a diffamatory letter about me to someone very high up (I am a civil servant)

Jeez. He is a poisionous piece of shit isn't he

That's not due to his paranoid mental illness, that's just utter, utter vileness and vindictiveness

Presumably him writing that should be considered a disciplinary matter? Please do not let your niceness/his MH mean that he escapes the appropriate action.

@Catmaiden you are right, this is a threat he made to me before I left - he said that if we separated he would make life at work difficult for me and alluded to "revelations" to high-up people.

There are no revelations to make but he used the pretext of me moving DS2 to a new school to write to the highest education authority (on whom I depend) and claimed that I had corrupted and influenced the schools due to my position. He also named me specifically in my position (whereas I was acting as a parent in this matter).

I told my boss (head of the university) but he said they would shrug it off as a personal matter and kind of said that it was probably exH's lawyer putting him up to it. He won't take it any further and around here it's a nightmare to get even outrageous/illegal behaviour on record.

It's not, the letter was written directly by exH and it was a threat which pre-dated the separation (and DS2 moving schools).

I always knew things would get nasty if I left, and exH himself warned/threatened me with that.

Now I can see that that was abusive too, he thinks he is totally within his rights to do this kind of thing because I have dared to leave him and have hurt his dignity.

This was also when he said to me that if I left, he would tell people he had thrown me out because I was such a horrible person to live with.

I'd say he's pretty gutted that the way things worked out, no-one believes that, and even people who didn't know what happened have all assumed I left him and not the other way round.

Can't remember if I said on one of your threads but my ex-MIL (Ex H fortunately a decent guy despite a hideous childhood) finally ended up in a psychiatric inpatient unit.

Turned out she was a schizophrenic, she was entirely aware of her behaviour not what you think of - its just she felt utterly entitled to behave the way she did - stealing what she wanted, sulking, causing divisions between her DC, all sorts of abusive emotional behaviour, vindictive etc etc.

He sounds much the same tbh...

Sitting from a very safe distance this all feels very predictable. I know that is no consolation at all but he is very predictable. What you have to remember is that you are strong, honest and have the best interest of your children at heart. He is none of these.

Can you ask that a copy of his letter goes to hr as a record of his behaviour and as a log for possible further accusations

Because I'd be pissed that there's a copy of that letter on my file be it needs to show his behaviour not yours