Divorcing sulking H - will it happen in 2020?

[jamaisjedors]

So this is my FIFTH thread, and no, I'm still not divorced and probably won't be in 2020 as my exH is refusing to sign the initial papers and so this could drag on until 2021 (2 years after our separation) when I can divorce him without his consent.

First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Now I am at the stage of entering financial negotiations with exH through lawyers and solicitors plus he has appealed the judge's initial decision so we have to go back to court in mid-February.

Fun start to the New Year which is why, a whole year on, I still need the support and advice of all of those who've been through similar situations or who are just naturally wise !

I have also come a very long way this year.

Leaving a controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Actually NO, the hardest thing I ever did was STAY in that relationship so long in a bid to keep our family together and make it work.

I'd love to think that by sharing this journey on here it might help others who are doubting their strength and capacity to leave - my life is a million times better now although I still have a lot of healing to do.

With the annoying house costs, are you not allowed to divvy them up at the end when the house is sold in the same way as he can do with the rent? It doesn't seem to make sense that he can hold off paying but not you.

I have kind of come to this conclusion too, so glad to hear you say that. We'll let the judge decide (or the solicitor drawing up the financial project) whether these are essential maintenance or improvements or whatever.

And yes, officially back in the saddle (and a little saddle sore today but in a good way ) !!!!

I like haffdonga's point. I would still be getting involved in quotes, getting copies and speaking to the person writing the quotes though.

Good for you! So pleased you blew the cobwebs away! That was very brave!!! (Even better that it was good!!!)
Love the suggestions re the repairs. Let him sit in a cold house while you think about it. Stupid man.

Is this the bit where we all start squealing with excitement and singing Je t'aime you you?

definitely no "je t'aime"s from me although I do have a bit of a Jane Birkin accent.

I've warned this guy I don't want anything serious and I'm not sure we have very much in common so don't think it's long-term but good for right now.

To be honest I think the first kiss (with a previous date) was a scarier step.

And the next scary step will/would be to actually fall for someone, which I am probably protecting myself from right now by making it clear to the dates that I don't want anything serious.

Not sure when I will be able to relax and trust myself to fall for someone again but one step at a time.

@justilou1 my Canadian friend also said I needed to blow away the cobwebs !!!

I think falling in love will happen when it happens. Nothing you can do to stop it or make it happen!

As a friend told me ... 'just enjoy the journey'!

Tell him you can't afford it and he will have to deduct your 50% from the sale of the property along with 3 quotes and a receipted invoice...

Yes it doesn't seem right
He's living there rent free but you pay half of any issues.
You pay rent and buy things for new house.
I agree with requesting three quotes, but see how long it takes him to reply to you and do the but less a few days. And agree it forms part of final settlement. He can fuck right off asking you for money when all this could have been sorted by now.

Love this : He can fuck right off asking you for money when all this could have been sorted by now.

Should he not have to pay half your rent, serious question?

"I think we should reflect those in the house valuation, they aren't urgent repairs"

😂

Alternatively

"Oh do fuck off"

Woo hoo! And fuck off to your ex, let him freeze his derrierè off

Seriously about the rent, I think the maintenance he is paying which is pretty high (900€ per month for both kids) takes into account that he is not paying rent and I am.

Plus he will have to pay "half a rent" for the period of time from when I left to when the house is sold or signed over to him.

But it's totally unfair as meanwhile I am paying rent and have my own bills to pay...

I don't regret leaving the family home but luckily I am ok financially, otherwise it would be super tough.

Would it be worth suggesting that your half of the repair be deducted from the 'half rent' he's going to have to pay you? Amount subject to your approval of the repair costs, of course.

I think you should tell him that you are waiting for legal advice about this.... just like his medical information that you’re still waiting for. Maybe the legal advice will coincide with the arrival of the many times requested medical information. Otherwise it may be a coooooooold winter, STBESH

haha, I was just going to say the same,
its going to be a long cold winter..... Isn't that a song ?

Fantastic news about your recent, ahem, date. Hope the soreness has worn off by now 😀.

I agree with the advice to ask for three quotes for each of the repairs, after all you only have his word regarding those. Secondly, you should not be contributing to anything but essential repairs as the house is to be sold (or he buys you out) so you should not be paying for a new boiler if a repair is adequate. Thirdly your share should be paid when the finances are finalised and you have received his rent.
So he can go swivel.

@justilou1 funnily enough he referred again to hanjbg the dc overnight (for the upcoming half term) and I pointed out that I still have no updated medical information either from him or his lawyer.

Otherwise, yes to 3 quotes and yes to sorting it out at the end of all if this, not now.

I guess he's having to haul in wood to light fires while the heating is not working... it was some ridiculously complicated system had insisted on installing and I am so glad I am not living there now and having to put up with being freezing all the time!!!

Every day a new reason to be happy to have left

Make sure if he's buying you out that the quotes include all this work

Squee! You had sex - go Jamais!

Absolutely 3 quotes & settle after he's paid you rent for living in the family home.

Bloody cheek asking about overnights. Did he think you'd forget why he doesn't have them? Arrogant arse.

Oh and as far as your date, I thought this might be appropriate. Even the lyrics 'fit'. Sort of!

Ignore the 'visuals' in the video though. Bunch of old US TV Cowboy shows.

at the back in the saddle video !!!

Made me smile and hopefully an evening with mr cowboy on Friday will help me forget about all that crap!

Thanks for all the advice, yes three quotes (although he's now saying I can organise one if I insist on that...), no to paying now, and definitely anything which improves the house will need to be taken into account.

Ignore the request for you to arrange one.

Just grey rock "if you want me to pay half you need 3 quotes"

Hopefully he will piss off and realise that it's too much hassle and just pay himself

I think you should write an email to cover your butt then... expressly state that if three quotes are not provided you will not incur the costs of replacing the system, as you did not want that overly-complicated and dissatisfactory one in the first place.