Divorcing sulking H - will it happen in 2020?

[jamaisjedors]

So this is my FIFTH thread, and no, I'm still not divorced and probably won't be in 2020 as my exH is refusing to sign the initial papers and so this could drag on until 2021 (2 years after our separation) when I can divorce him without his consent.

First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Now I am at the stage of entering financial negotiations with exH through lawyers and solicitors plus he has appealed the judge's initial decision so we have to go back to court in mid-February.

Fun start to the New Year which is why, a whole year on, I still need the support and advice of all of those who've been through similar situations or who are just naturally wise !

I have also come a very long way this year.

Leaving a controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Actually NO, the hardest thing I ever did was STAY in that relationship so long in a bid to keep our family together and make it work.

I'd love to think that by sharing this journey on here it might help others who are doubting their strength and capacity to leave - my life is a million times better now although I still have a lot of healing to do.

Sounds like you made the right call Jamais. There is always M. Lapin for, ahem, fun, and he doesn't send dozens of bloody texts that need to be acknowledged. I find endless texts exhausting and tiresome, but then I'm a bit of an old codger, bah, humbug.

There is always M. Lapin for, ahem, fun, and he doesn't send dozens of bloody texts that need to be acknowledged.

Actually I had an offer of no-strings attached/fwb/fb from one guy who looked quite presentable, I left it hanging but could return there if I wanted a change from M. Lapin !!!!

Will see what happens with guy n°2 - every day is a learning experience !!!

Dipping a toe in the dating scene is major progress! (Remember you're allowed to try on as many shoes as you want and you don't have to "buy" any of them.)

You managed to find a sufficiently decent chap, have some chat and some dates and end it when you recognised it wasn’t working for you. After what you’ve been through, you should get a bloody medal for that lot, that’s brilliant! Well done!

I mean sure it would have been nice to find Mr Perfect or even just Mr Good-For-A-Night straight away, but in the real world of online dating, I think that was a great first step. Take a look around, these boards are crammed full of women making the mistake of thinking that if the guy isn’t a complete and utter arse, they should be grateful, and that the worst relationship is better than being single. And those are such easy mistakes to make because we’re literally socialised into them half the time. The fact that after the way your ex has treated you you still have high standards for yourself is terrific. Go you.

You managed to find a sufficiently decent chap, have some chat and some dates and end it when you recognised it wasn’t working for you this is very true and a huge step for me.

I definitely think that it is a good time for me to dip my toe in ( Sicario ) as I am quite happy single too and not "desperate" ... yet !

I'm still revelling in the luxury of doing what I want, when I want so will probably have a tendancy to ditch anyone who is making that hard for me.

I have been texting a second guy who I met up for a walk with on Sunday, we were supposed to meet again yesterday for a drink but DS2 was off school.

I'm looking forward to "trying on another shoe" and probably learning more about myself and what I want.

"These boots are made for walking..."

@Sicario love that!!!

I think guy no2 is also looking for something serious as we had a bit of a text conversation about it but said we'd talk more in person.

Again he seems nice enough but for the moment the men I've been talking to don't have much to talk about (and I'm not big on small talk).

This guy doesn't seem to do anything apart from go to work and occasionally help our a friend with DIY.

He seemed to think I was super active just because I do yoga, book group, go out and visit things at the weekend...

I said I would do more if I didn't have the DC all the time .

Can't get over people with all that free time who do nothing with it.

But otoh exh was such a workaholic and totally dedicated to his charity work and that was pretty unbearable too!

In other news, my new lawyer has contacted exh's lawyer and enquired about his health to suggest some discussion over increased contact (overnights) for the dc.

Ex's lawyer has heard nothing fir ages apparently and has no info about his health and has said that his client is very legalistic and determined to do everything exactly by the book so no discussion possible.

Just goes to show (again) that he does not have his DC's best interests at heart.

This week dc2 was off sick, exh was supposed to have him on Wednesday but didn't pick him up until 12.30 as that was when dc1 finished school. So dc2 stayed home alone all morning when he could have been with his dad.

I do firmly believe that most men really don't want to be doing with any of the childcare and child rearing. A recently separated friend of mine put it well. She said, "He views our daughter as a problem to be managed rather than a great little person to spend time with." He would also arrange "help" when he had her - like getting his mum to come over.

Children are seen as women's work.

I also think that fathers mess the mother around over child arrangements because it is a way of getting back at them and making life difficult. But it's their children who feel the fall-out.

You are a wonderful mum, Jamais. We have all seen that here as your MN friends. You've done brilliantly and thank god you called time on the marriage and walked your own walk.

Have a FANTASTIC weekend whoever you are doing. And remember to dance!

I meant WHATEVER you are doing, not "whoever" (although that might also be fun )

• I meant WHATEVER you are doing, not "whoever" (although that might also be fun) Definitely would but no hope of that this weekend

So turns out guy no2 is looking for something serious and doesn't think I am (I just want to "go with the flow") - so we had a nice lunch date today but that is it.

Back to the apps! Or am considering contacting a friend of a friend IRL who I have been chatting to a bit on Facebook - but have no idea if he is single or not, could be weird if I invite him for a drink and he is totally not interested or already in a couple.

But I am feeling bolder by the minute so might just go for it anyway as I have a child-free weekend coming up

Yes, go for it! What do you have to lose?

If I ever were to date again, (unlikely) I would want it to be with an anglophone. IMHO the DNA is too different between the British & the French, the humour, the history, the rôles, the machismo.....

@mix56 I know what you mean about the sense of humour! Actually the friend of friend who I have my eye on on Facebook is fluent in English which is big plus for me.

And none !!! of the people I've chatted to so far have made me laugh at all

My British friend and colleague however has me in stitches all the time and the texting just flows. But then that's someone I've known for a while and not a romantic interest (I'm good friends with his wife).

Laughter is my biggest erogenous zone

I have so much fun speaking English now, (the puns, the wit, the fun) something I took for granted when I fell in love so long ago, with a French man

Good Frenchmen do exist I promise. Mine is really fab. Makes up for the first French husband. I really on my kids to appreciate my amazing wit and dry humor!

I'm hoping good Frenchmen do exist, but I have to say I have a lot of fun with my English friends and colleagues (happily I know plenty!).

Bit of a milestone here for me, and who better to share it with than you lot

Have been messaging and on a date with a nice guy from online and today I went to his house... and we had sex.

It was pretty good and he certainly has some skills I'm not used to!

He seems really nice and straightforward too, for the moment.

I don't see myself with him longterm but that's ok, he knows I'm not sure what I want right now and I am enjoying being in the moment rather than planning ahead or worrying about the future. All good so far

Whoop

Good for you @jamaisjedors You deserve everything good.

Thanks !

Slightly spoiled by an email from exH about work that needs doing to our family home.

The heating has broken down, and another thing needs work, so he is informing me as co-owners we are both liable.

Great... I not only don't live in thehouse and have to pay my own rent, but I have to keep paying the upkeep on a house that he is living in (and will only pay "rent" to me once the divorce is finalised).

This really grates, but as far as I can see is perfectly legal.

Will be checking with my lawyer anyway and trying to keep zen !

Whoop whoop! Lucky you!

Re: the house. Yes, double check with the lawyer. Make sure to be involved in the process for quotes and perhaps arrange to be there for any visits - check if any stop gap repairs could be make rather than replacements. You could stall for a while, you know, like he has! Obviously, everything in writing!

@Daftapath good tips, I could ask him for 3 quotes for the work to be done, that'll stall him a bit !

Jamais is officially back in the saddle! I'm so pleased you enjoyed the ride! Seriously though, just enjoy a bit of well-deserved, angst-free pleasure. Bravo!

With the annoying house costs, are you not allowed to divvy them up at the end when the house is sold in the same way as he can do with the rent? It doesn't seem to make sense that he can hold off paying but not you.