Divorcing sulking H - will it happen in 2020?

[jamaisjedors]

So this is my FIFTH thread, and no, I'm still not divorced and probably won't be in 2020 as my exH is refusing to sign the initial papers and so this could drag on until 2021 (2 years after our separation) when I can divorce him without his consent.

First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Now I am at the stage of entering financial negotiations with exH through lawyers and solicitors plus he has appealed the judge's initial decision so we have to go back to court in mid-February.

Fun start to the New Year which is why, a whole year on, I still need the support and advice of all of those who've been through similar situations or who are just naturally wise !

I have also come a very long way this year.

Leaving a controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Actually NO, the hardest thing I ever did was STAY in that relationship so long in a bid to keep our family together and make it work.

I'd love to think that by sharing this journey on here it might help others who are doubting their strength and capacity to leave - my life is a million times better now although I still have a lot of healing to do.

Hi @Animum2 , is there any contact from him to you and if you happened to see him how would you feel about it

Luckily so far we have managed to avoid each other. He is on a different campus to me although I have seen him in the library and just moved on. He is in the same union as me which could be awkward for meetings but we have managed to NOT be there at the same time, colleagues tell me if he is going or not.

But I do occasionally see emails addressed to him or he will see emails from me I guess. Definitely no way of cutting him out forever! My worst nightmare is him being in a meeting I am running or presenting at, but that hasn't happened so far.

Thanks for your kind words

Update on mr nice guy is that after our text exchange last night and his usual good morning text, I decided it would be unfair to drag things out and asked if he could meet me for an hour after work in a park.

We had a long chat with zero touching (but I was starting to want to) and then at the end just looked at each other and went for it

It was really nice. We are quite different but chat easily. Don't think it's long term but I feel safe with him and could definitely get back in the saddle (so to speak ) with him, he seems to be quite content to take things slowly but is attentive at the same time.

Go Jamais!

You absolutely deserve a bit of fun time back in that saddle

Dear Jamais, I have been following your threads for a long time, but I don’t think I have ever posted. I met my DH three years before we started dating. I liked him, but simply wasn’t interested in him. Then one day it just hit me that I was attracted to him, so I asked him out. I don’t think he had ever noticed me either, but he agreed to go out. We have now been married for 32 years.

I hope that you eventually meet someone who is right for you. Even if it takes a while, I hope you have a fun time as you really deserve some enjoyment in your life.

Whoop!

I couldn’t even remember what my DH looked like when I first met him. I thought maybe he was perhaps blonde. (Not at all....) He wasn’t my type at all. We’ve been inseparable.

Nice stories! I have a smile on my face this morning and am feeling good about whatever this might be.

And what it might be, is just what I need right now this minute.

Didn't fancy my DH at all but fell truly madly deeply!! I'm definitely a personality person...

You deserve to have companionship and fun, go for it

You definitely deserve some nice uncomplicated rumpy pumpy fun.

Ah well it turns out it's not that easy to have some uncomplicated fun...

Had a third date with mr nice guy where things were a little steamy but it seemed to me we were running out of things to say. Repetition already of the same stories...

He is great at texting, sends little messages during the day and likes to have quick call to have a chat. Never puts pressure on to meet up more than I can, which is great too.

But even though I am attracted to him, I am not feeling a "spark" and when he sends me messages to say he enjoyed spending time with me etc I haven't really reciprocated. I can definitely take him or leave him. I don't want to lie to him or give him false hope.

In the end he called me out on that last night (in a nice way of course,).

He wants to know where things are going and wants something serious.

I had put on my dating profile "dont know" , for "what am looking for ".

He had put "a serious relationship ".

He is very affectionate which just feels weird to me after only 2 weeks.

I am struggling with comparing the depth of feeling I had for my exh to trying to get to know a total stranger. I just feel sad again and maybe not ready after all.

Or maybe not ready with this guy, who despite being super nice and respectful and thoughtful, I don't have very much in common with and just fell into chatting with on the internet. If I had met him out somewhere I definitely wouldn't have pursued things, possibly I did here because he seemed decent and safe and was interested in me.

I feel more of a connection with you lot

Anyway we agreed to sleep on it (as he asked if I wanted to end things), and will chat/ text today.

Just need to make a decision... 😱

It doesn't necessarily mean that you are not ready. I think it just sounds as though you both want different things and that is ok. I have always said to anyone that starts being too full on that I need to take things slowly. If they are not happy with that they should look to other people. It has weeded out a couple of guys who clearly wanted to be more physical than I was comfortable with. We are very unlikely to meet the right (for now) person straight away. Having a few non starters along the way will help to identify the right person when they come along ... at least that is what I tell myself!

Very wise advice @Daftapath thank you.

I do also think it's too soon to meet the "right" person and want to explore different things to get a feel for what I want long term.

I need to learn to listen to my instincts too, when he started texting me several times a day after I gave him my number it felt too intimate to me (despite the texts being perfectly normal).

I asked a friend who online dates and she thought it sounded normal but to me it's weird to be texting several times a day to someone you've never met or met once.

I think also the world has changed a lot since you last dated. Some people will text a lot, others won't.

@forrestgreen didn't even have mobile phones when I last dated!

[quote jamaisjedors]@forrestgreen didn't even have mobile phones when I last dated! [/quote]
I'm a serial texter as my now DH will testify. I find it's an easy way to have a conversation or chat without having to phone. Just have fun, it will take a while before you shed your shackles from your abusive husband. Enjoy life to whatever degree suits you. Be selfish for the first time in your life.

i find it's an easy way to have a conversation or chat without having to phone.

I agred I have quite enjoyed the more in depth texting back and forth but struggle with the constant checking in as it feels artificial when we dont know each other.

Plus I'm not glued to my phone 24/7.

Need to be selfish, I hear you, but is being selfish stringing along nice guy to sleep with him, or breaking it off as I'm not feeling a connection (even if he is).

It's not selfish to put yourself (and your changing emotions) first but it's difficult to do - see already how you are possibly over thinking what he may or may not be thinking.

We cannot know what someone else is thinking.

It's not your job to worry about how anyone else is feeling. Let the guy worry about whether he thinks you are stringing him along or not.

Your honesty is an integral part of you & you have super skills related to emotional analysis from your previous relationship which need to be unlearned. Your responsibility is only in connection to your own feelings.

It might be that you need more time & space to process this. Anyone who really wants to be with you will understand this. Anyone who's in a rush probably isn't the right person for you at this time.

@londonbrick so insightful, it has made me feel a bit weepy!!!

I have realised that I'm kind of following what he wants and waiting to see if my feelings catch up.

I've texted him to say that in the end it isn't for me but thanks for everything.

I think it's the right thing, it's 2 weeks since I first met him and already I'm trying to second guess him and put his needs first.

I'll leave it and try to be a bit more discerning next time.

If you are absolutely clear that you are in no way interested in anything serious it is not stringing him along. That said, if he is why would he want to continue ir?

You should listen to your niggles though. They are telling you something. I think if it was me I'd end it with this guy tbh.

As an aside I have been historically attracted to partners that I feel deep connection with BUT I actually don't think I can have an emotionally healthy relationship with.

Introverted, deep feelers & thinkers, prone to depression...

You need to be aware that you are likely to feel quick deep attraction to someone that shares traits with your ex - maybe not on the surface but underneath.

Our subconscious is very powerful.

It does leave the dilemma of dating someone where there is enough attraction whilst getting to know them very well and watching for red flags....

I have no answers!!

Frankly Jamais, he sounds either needy and/or controlling. My red flag o-meter is pinging. He “seems” lovely, but he’s already pushing. It’s okay to say no. We have been conditioned to feel grateful for any kind of male attention it makes us hesitate to reject anything that doesn’t sit right. I think you should definitely trust your instincts.

So yes I have ended it and wished him well, he replied quite politely saying he didn't have any particular expectations but thought I wanted something stable/serious - which is at odds with what he smelled out yesterday.

Doesn't matter, done now, the niggles were thre and the ick was always hovering too.

@RandomMess I totally relate to the connection etc which is kind of why I let this one run on a bit and didn't end it after the first date.

And I really kept pushing myself to relax and enjoy the lack of game playing and doubt.

Not sure what the solution is either, have suspended my dating profile but did meet up with someone different over the weekend who seems on paper closer to someone I could connect with or at least have something in common with.

I have his number and we may meet up again.