Divorcing sulking H - will it happen in 2020?

[jamaisjedors]

So this is my FIFTH thread, and no, I'm still not divorced and probably won't be in 2020 as my exH is refusing to sign the initial papers and so this could drag on until 2021 (2 years after our separation) when I can divorce him without his consent.

First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Now I am at the stage of entering financial negotiations with exH through lawyers and solicitors plus he has appealed the judge's initial decision so we have to go back to court in mid-February.

Fun start to the New Year which is why, a whole year on, I still need the support and advice of all of those who've been through similar situations or who are just naturally wise !

I have also come a very long way this year.

Leaving a controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Actually NO, the hardest thing I ever did was STAY in that relationship so long in a bid to keep our family together and make it work.

I'd love to think that by sharing this journey on here it might help others who are doubting their strength and capacity to leave - my life is a million times better now although I still have a lot of healing to do.

Oh yes plenty of misogynists out there, my worry when I left exH was how I could possibly meet a bloke who wasn't sexist - either up front or deep down like ex.

Not sure how to navigate dating in the patriarchy!

Wondering if what I just want now is just some amazing sex as @RandomMess said. It is basically the only thing I miss about being in a relationship at the moment, and it's been a while, would love to break the dry spell

Not sure how equipped I am to deal with that though, and also I'm usually only attracted to people once I know them.

Be attracted to yourself.

Trying to be @londonbrick

Also feeling amazingly chilled about my appearance so far and ready to focus on whether I like a guy and not whether he likes me.

Aa I am happy to drop all the dating anytime because I know i don't "need" it, it is remarkably liberating.

Plus I know I'm interesting and easy to talk to and sorted in my head now... so I'm a catch

You sound fabulous Jamais. I would

I have been thinking about the crumbs we accept from men, Jamais... He baked you cookies. Isn’t that something you do with children? It’s like another patronizing form of the male gaze.... we have all been trained to accept ANY form of attention as positive, even if it’s crap or tokenistic. Cookies - yeah thanks. That’s nice, but it’s hardly Nobel Prize-Winning. We have been trained to ACT as though it is. If he pokes at some meat on a barbecue he gets all the credit, when the chances are pretty high that you did all the shopping, paid for everything, made ice the night before, emptied the car, made the salads, put the bread in the oven, put the butter in special containers, found the bbq equipment, and the drinks, prepared everything, cleaned and moved the furniture, set the table, etc, etc.... then everyone thanks HIM for HIS hospitality and you get to clean up.
This is why you are absolutely right to recognize that you are a catch and that you look great. People should do things for you because you deserve it. We need to learn to accept it graciously as a way of accepting love. (I am trying this with my husband. It involves releasing control and it’s quite difficult.)

@Haffdonga thanks, I'll keep you in mind

@justilou1 speaking of crumbs, the cookie guy wanted to bring me something as we had planned a cup of tea at mine. Luckily he was sensible enough to ask, as I can't eat most cakes (allergies) so he did look up a recipe and make something I could eat.

I agree this is NICE but not deserving of a medal - if a woman did it would just be considered "normal" care-taking I think.

I certainly am not going to be his "fall-back girl" just because he made me cookies !

Had a good whatsapp chat with a guy last night, we are video-calling tonight. He seems promising, but I'm keeping an open-mind and actually possibly more on my guard with it being online dating - with the other guy because I had already met him IRL I was less on my guard.

So brave !!!

Good luck! I hope he’s lovely!!!

This is exactly what I'm feeling like right now (life-changing magic of not giving a f**k). Very liberating ! Haven't read the book, not sure I need to

The title says it all, really!

Just updating to say I have chosen my new lawyer, I saw 2 as suggested by my former lawyer.

The one I have chosen seems good, very thorough, asked all the right questions and realistic about what we can achieve (no false promises of quick action !). She is more direct and less of a "coach" than my previous lawyer but I think she will take no nonsense with regard to the financial negotiation and also seems to understand the implications of the custody situation.

So I feel happier now that is sorted and I know I will have someone to fight my corner when the next thing crops up with exH !

Otherwise the estate agent texted me last night to ask if he could start promoting the piece of land to sell. I said he'd have to ask exH who was stalling. I will ask my lawyer about this.

On the dating front I have been messaging quite a lot and had a couple of phone calls, and meeting one person for a drink after work tonight.

However I have seen not less than 3 people from my workplace on there ! 2 I avoided and obviously did not message ! One (who I don't know) messaged me and then worked out who I was and kind of said "I know who you are !!!".

I am quite visible in our organisation and he had had some emails from me . I asked him to be discreet and he said of course, and so I have just said, "well you know where to find me if you want up to meet up for a coffee between colleagues". His profile was good but right now I don't think I want anything to do with someone at work, for lots of reasons (including the fact that exH works there too)!

Lawyer sounds good.

Hopefully colleague will be a good ally and keep shtum, who knows you may be able to laugh at the nightmare on line dating is.

Divorce in 2021 looking ever more likely...

When is the date/deadline for reviewing custody arrangements?

You sound like a very strong lady, I hope eventually everything works out well for you x

I'm glad that you are happy with your new lawyer. I suspect that now you are stronger, you will require less of a coaching approach. A fresh pair of eyes may not be a bad thing.

With regard to the dating, I have seen a few people I know online (thankfully not my ex ... yet), a couple of friends ex-husbands and the guy who lives opposite me!

So pleased you’re happy with lawyer. That’s great. Maybe new lawyer won’t put up with any more boondoggling from DH’s side and will push harder also.

Good luck OP

I do kind of think that a new lawyer now is not such a bad thing, as some of you say, a fresh perspective might move things along.

"Sam" called last night to give me the name of a solicitor (which I will need for the sale of the land/house). He urged me to see someone to check my rights with the new development of the planning permission on the garden of the family home.

Otherwise, I had my first date last night. The guy was really lovely, easy to talk to, lots of "green flags" (son the same age as mine who he has 50/50 custody of), very respectful, decent job, and seemed very kind.

BUT of course I felt no attraction. .

I was torn last night about whether to see him again, in the end I have said yes because I don't know if I can trust my instincts on "attraction" - I'm generally attracted to emotionally available people like exH.

I don't want to "lead him on" (hate that phrase, very un-feminist) but I think it would be a mistake to dismiss him out of hand.

OTOH I did get back online and chat to a couple of other people, one of whom seems promising. The boys are with their dad this weekend, so I might try to line up a couple of dates.

Perhaps, like with the lawyers, the best thing to do is to see a couple of people and then things might become clear.

@OnlyYellowRoses thank you very much

@RandomMess re custody arrangements, I don't think there is a deadline although the new lawyer did say that after 30 months the initial provisional arrangements are no longer valid.

She confirmed that it is up to exH now to contact the court with new "evidence" about his mental health and ask for a review of the arrangements. As he hasn't done this and has chosen to pursue his appeal instead, we are now waiting for the court "expert" to come and see us all and write a report with his recommendations.

The other lawyer suggested that I contact the expert myself to try and move things along. I will check with my new lawyer and see what she thinks, having this hanging over us (me) is quite stressful, OTOH the longer it goes on, the less likely it is for there to be a big change in custody arrangements as the DCs are happy and stable as things are (apart from no overnights).

*"Otherwise, I had my first date last night. The guy was really lovely, easy to talk to, lots of "green flags" (son the same age as mine who he has 50/50 custody of), very respectful, decent job, and seemed very kind.

BUT of course I felt no attraction. . "*

Don't necessarily worry about this @jamaisjedors. I met a man 12 years ago and felt no attraction to him. We married this year and I couldn't have found a kinder man. Oh and I love him more than words can say.

@Grrrpredictivetex great story

Also unlurking to say when I met my now DH I thought 1. he was completely unattractive and 2. I was going to marry him. The latter mainly based on him letting me have 50% of the conversation and being willing to be corrected when he was wrong.

I did marry him and this was a good decision but I had to work on finding him attractive.

Thanks for your post @AnnaMagnani

Still mulling it over. I am happy when I get his texts and yes, definitely 50% of the conversation.

Just had a more interesting WhatsApp chat with him, moved on to more than just banalities and am feeling ... something!
Will see in person!

I think sometimes a slow burner is good!

Perhaps you only make a relationship connection when you know someone properly.
So treat everyone as fun and entertainment, if they aren't those then there's no point carrying on, if after a month you didn't see a future then that's the time to think

Ok for slow burner and fun and entertainment!!!

Meeting the "nice guy" for an hour in the park tonight before my yoga class to see what I think in person again.

Hi Jamais, I've been following your story for a while and you sound amazing to have come out of this so strong

I have a question about your ex husband working at the same place as you, is there any contact from him to you and if you happened to see him how would you feel about it (you don't have to answer)