Divorcing sulking H - will it happen in 2020?

[jamaisjedors]

So this is my FIFTH thread, and no, I'm still not divorced and probably won't be in 2020 as my exH is refusing to sign the initial papers and so this could drag on until 2021 (2 years after our separation) when I can divorce him without his consent.

First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Now I am at the stage of entering financial negotiations with exH through lawyers and solicitors plus he has appealed the judge's initial decision so we have to go back to court in mid-February.

Fun start to the New Year which is why, a whole year on, I still need the support and advice of all of those who've been through similar situations or who are just naturally wise !

I have also come a very long way this year.

Leaving a controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Actually NO, the hardest thing I ever did was STAY in that relationship so long in a bid to keep our family together and make it work.

I'd love to think that by sharing this journey on here it might help others who are doubting their strength and capacity to leave - my life is a million times better now although I still have a lot of healing to do.

Wow! What a tool he is! As for any new guy, my advice is that if you are second-guessing or wondering what he is thinking, it’s too hard. It shouldn’t be like that. You need a straight-talker who doesn’t play games, so you know exactly where you stand. So refreshing!

You need an "adult" relationship - amazing sex and dinner dates nowt more!

@RandomMess

@forrestgreen, totally just want to live a little and have fun.

I feel like by looking around now when I'm enjoying being single but would be happy with a little extra in my life, makes it a good time to look as I will happily shut down anything that looks like drama or hard work.

I don't have a problem with being alone, I like my own company.

Just a little companionship (and some physical stuff!!! ) ...

Definitely not looking for someone to move in or blend families with AT ALL. Should probably make that clear to potentials...

Ha cross post with @RandomMess, you read my mind!

@justilou1 yes definitely need straight talking. I thought this guy was, he was very open and honest about his emotions on holiday (it was a place with workshops and non violent communication) but in the end it was me who had to ask the "where are we at and do we see each other again" question.

Just uploaded photos and completed my profile and now need to look at the messages, chatted a bit with a guy whose profile I had liked the look of. Need to hop over to the dating thread for advice but am definitely looking at it from the point of view that they need to impress ME and not te other way round.

So took a couple of selfies in 5 min in the garden with a bit of make up and my hair as usual.

My friends StepMum in her 80s

"Quite happy to pay my own way (very lovely pension), holidays and dinner but I am never washing a mans pair of pants ever again"

That women speaks sense!! Anything ever happens to DH (who does the bulk of domestic duties) I taking heed...

Sometimes I think all the talking about emotions is a hook with men. They know exactly what to say to get what they want. They just don’t do the “doing”....

Be careful with over sharing as that's how men who mess you about learn exactly how to do that.

Although somewhat annoying Matthew Hussey has some good tips about how to show (& learn to be) you are a woman of high self value. That sorts out the players.

Those of us that have a tendency to do more than most to keep a relationship going tend to subconsiously attract the controlling ones - who are, of course - playing the catch me game before they turn into their true selves.

On line dating terrifies me !!!! Actually the online bit I could do !! just not the live part ! Good Luck Jamais !

Good that XH shows his inner self occasionally, kind of reminds you how much of a wanker he always was. (although I suspect that when you still lived together he left all the form signing to you & didn't even read the docs... Wanker

@justilou1 you could be right about the emotions thing, lots of stuff in his texts about how much he was looking forward to seeing me, blushing emojis etc. And come to think of it, lots about "letting women come to him" and "taking things at my pace" which basically mean sitting back and waiting for the woman to do all the work.

@londonbrick funny you mention the "high value women" thing because I was reading about that on Sunday after looking at the dating thread.

I know I'm a "people-pleaser" and like to be "nice" and "kind" and need to be careful of it.

For example I realised with this guy that I had thought of offering to go to him if he was already driving a lot to see his son (but stopped myself and thought it would show his motivation if he came to me).

But then several times during the day together I realise I went with what he wanted instead of what I wanted, and for example I bought him public transport tickets because it was "easier" and it felt nice to have them ready for him when he arrived on the train.

But I should have just shown him how it works and let him get them.

I started chatting to a couple of people online yesterday and am VERY much keeping an eye on myself to make sure I only arrange to meet up at a time which suits me, my mantra is "I'm a busy person, my time is valuable". Last night a guy wanted to meet up this week and I said I wanted to do a video call first, but was only free on Tuesday.

If he doesn't follow through, his loss (I have had plenty of interest, probably as "fresh meat"

@Mix56 honestly I was totally terrified about online dating until now, I had logged on a few times this year to see "what is out there" and always put the phone down in horror when someone messaged me.

But actually strangely enough having seen this guy, felt an attraction, and dealt with the ambiguity and then it not working out, I feel like I can go along and meet other people and just see if there is any kind of spark there.

That was a secret worry of mine, that I wouldn't be attracted to anyone else as was married so long and that was one thing which DID work between exH and I (probably because of the roller-coaster nature of our relationship so we never lost the spark).

although I suspect that when you still lived together he left all the form signing to you & didn't even read the docs. - absolutely.

I said this to him last year when he made a big fuss about a form that had to be filled in with contact details etc. and said he had never seen one like that before and that it was specific to separated parents.

I pointed out by email (copied in to my lawyer as he was accusing me of parental alienation and not giving his contact details to the school) that I had filled in that form every single year since primary school for the children and that he had never done it which is why he didn't know what it was

Your ex is the gift that just keeps on giving, time and again in writing he shows that it's all about him and control...

I really don't think he's any better tbh!

@RandomMess

Your ex is the gift that just keeps on giving, time and again in writing he shows that it's all about him and control...

I really don't think he's any better tbh!

He's certainly entrenched into his position - however wrong he is. He just seems unable to see how often he's shooting himself in the foot. 🌹

Do school actually (legally) need the forms signed by you both? Could they write to him saying that only one parent signature is required? That would take the wind out of his sails!

With regard to the online dating, I signed up during lockdown for the first time (after 18yr marriage). I figured it was a good time to dip my toe in as I wouldn't have to actually meet anyone face to face! The first few weeks were a huge learning curve mainly about when to swerve an initial contact and that I didn't need to respond to everyone (particularly the 20 somethings looking for their Mrs Robinson!!)

I have worked out that men who have children and have decent contact with them are the way to go. I have met one guy a couple of times now. We message most days and his attitude is to not worry about the future, just enjoy the journey. I liked the fact that he was quite careful about saying very little about his kids for some weeks. Now he is quite open.

So good luck ... and enjoy the journey!

Good tips @Daftapath thanks.

It will be good to learn to say no!

For the school, normally they sing need everything signed as for usual stuff legally we are presumed to agree unless we say otherwise.

However you can also tell the school to presume you DISAGREE, and therefore they need double consent for every little thing!

This stems from me changing ds2's school without consulting exh. Both schools (the one he was leaving and the new one) assumed we agreed and went ahead.

Legally they were ok as they didn't know exh disagreed but he threatened to take them both to court over it so they are very cautious now.

Tis all about him still, in his view, anyway.
Messing the children around for the sake of being awkward.

God, he’s a whiny disagreeable knob. I bet it’s because the real estate agent told him that you knew the true value of the subdivision.

Totally still all about him.

He wants 50/50 custody but replied to my email about the paperwork claiming that DS2 gave him a stack of papers to sign just as they were leaving (sounds about right for DS2) and he was in a rush and must have missed one.

Blames it on DS2 despite me having emailed in advance to warn him there were papers to sign. Now he wants me to scan the paper and send it back to him;

Too late, DS2 has already handed it in. I've said he needs to contact the school. If he CBA to do that, how on earth does he think he could do 50/50?

Still about exH, yesterday a colleague (exh's boss) took me aside to tell me that he had travelled with exH to a meeting recently and that they had chatted. He said exH was still very low and that he thought he was probably on strong medication which was knocking him out.

He said he had been encouraging him to take on projects at work to keep him busy but that exh has fallen out with some other colleagues on the research side of things (he is an academic).

All fine, I think the colleague was kind of letting me know he was looking out for exH rather than guilt-tripping me. He was extremely helpful back in May last year when exH went missing.

But still... I slept super badly last night and woke up feeling like cr*p.

Not sure either that the online dating is a great idea, yesterday a guy texted me a few times but I didn't have time to answer and then was busy with the kids so texted (politely) that I would speak to him tomorrow, as planned.

No reply at all, not even a thumbs up. It just brought back all the sulking and silent treatment. Probably need to block this guy, don't I?

I do not need any drama !

Had 2 other super friendly and "normal" conversations online though and not sure whether to give them my number after this guy.

Will go and read up the online dating guidelines ! And I know I can stop anytime

I think you just have to work on acceptance that he's a grade A wanker, know that whatever it is, he will turn it into an issue. Forewarned is forearmed, hopefully it won't accept you so much.

The blessing is that your boys are getting older so your interactions with him will
Decrease in the not too distant future.

He is a complete knob, the scales have fallen from your eyes to that and his control issues.

Fallen out with colleagues - hardly a surprise is it!!

Not sure either that the online dating is a great idea, yesterday a guy texted me a few times but I didn't have time to answer and then was busy with the kids so texted (politely) that I would speak to him tomorrow, as planned.

What a good test - even though you weren't actually testing - because if someone is pushing for more that's not good, if they give you silent treatment that's not good either.

Well done you on working this out. FWIW it might be exactly the right time for dipping your toe in the water & relearning how to realise if others are controlling or not. There's no rush - just time to practice.

Even after you get the mindset of 'not my circus, not my monkeys' as far as an ex's behaviour goes, for awhile there seems to be a sort of 'weight' that quietly settles on your shoulders when someone brings up their behaviour. You recognize that you don't need to do anything and nothing is 'your fault', but it's still there. I figured it was just some subconscious reaction (similar to a 'fight or flight' reaction). The good news is that it does go away in time.

@londonbrick FWIW it might be exactly the right time for dipping your toe in the water & relearning how to realise if others are controlling or not. This is kind of what I'm thinking. Good way to test out whether my boundaries are in place or need a bit of work.

@AcrossthePond55 Good to know that the "fight or flight" reaction does go away in the end. I have to keep reminding myself that it is already SO much better because I might have slept badly but I managed to focus at work as I had an important presentation to make (which went great !) and not obsess about exH.

Progress!

Progress

Absolutely! @jamaisjedors

For me it seemed to go from that 'weight' feeling, then to scorn, on to amusement, then finally to total indifference. I felt 'free' from the moment I left him, but was when I got to indifference that I really felt I'd let go of any vestige of 'mental feeling' for/about him. I'd say it took me a few months, but we didn't have children so once I left I never had to see or talk to him ever again, other than once to do taxes.

Good to know the phases, "weight", scorn, amusement, indifference.

Think I'm somewhere between scorn and almost heading to amusement !

There are so many misogynists out there Jamais... the first guy showed it with his “letting women come to me” statement. The next with his behaviour. Your ex with.... everything. His friends, continually “kindly” reeling you back in to stress you out don’t help either. I really don’t understand why they do it.

Cos his mates are all blokes? All part of the patriarchy!