Divorcing sulking H - will it happen in 2020?

[jamaisjedors]

So this is my FIFTH thread, and no, I'm still not divorced and probably won't be in 2020 as my exH is refusing to sign the initial papers and so this could drag on until 2021 (2 years after our separation) when I can divorce him without his consent.

First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Now I am at the stage of entering financial negotiations with exH through lawyers and solicitors plus he has appealed the judge's initial decision so we have to go back to court in mid-February.

Fun start to the New Year which is why, a whole year on, I still need the support and advice of all of those who've been through similar situations or who are just naturally wise !

I have also come a very long way this year.

Leaving a controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Actually NO, the hardest thing I ever did was STAY in that relationship so long in a bid to keep our family together and make it work.

I'd love to think that by sharing this journey on here it might help others who are doubting their strength and capacity to leave - my life is a million times better now although I still have a lot of healing to do.

I was curious about how that came to light about the potential for building, but I see from your latest update it was via the EA. Great stuff.

I know, well done that Estate Agent !

He seemed a bit slimey when we first met him (15 years ago) but was recommended by a friend ("Sam"). I certainly appreciate him now and will push for him to be the one who sells the land (which is of course part of his motivation as he will have clients looking for land and will get a commission on it).

I saw the first of the 2 lawyers recommended by my ex(sob) lawyer, she is about my age or slightly older and seems to be experienced and on the ball. She is more factual and less of a "coach" than my previous lawyer who played a big part in me being able to go ahead with the split but that's fine with me at this stage.

Not seeing the other one til next Friday and then I'll make a decision.

Nothing happening right now anyway as we will need to wait to a few months for the true value of the house and land to settle the finances, and with regard to custody, we are waiting on the "expert" to contact us and to see me, the DC, and exH and write his report.

Patience is my new middle name !

A positive thing about custody taking so long is that the boys are older, used to the new arrangement and hopefully less susceptible to feeling sorry for ex and more able to vocalise their wants 🤞

@RandomMess I agree that both lawyers think that the custody arrangements taking so long to be finalised is in my favour.

Also because they say the courts are unlikely to recommend changing a situation which is working for the DC.

This new lawyer said that if the DC were suffering and for example doing badly in school because they are not seeing their dad enough, I could go back to the original judge and ask to change the arrangements.

But as we have no new medical information about exH for the moment she advised against that.

And said exH could easily apply to the original judge now with proof that his mental health is stable and ask to have overnights.

Instead of insisting on going through the appeals court to "prove me wrong".

What bugs me is that he is insisting on going the long way around for this, which means the DC don't get a proper weekend or holidays with their dad.

By the time this phase is over, DC1 will be nearly 17 and only have a year left at home. It makes me really sad to think that the DC (and ex) are missing out on this time together... but it's beyond my control.

I guess he wants to re-write history and to maintain control and he just can't accept who he is, very sad indeed.

On the positive you are much happier and the boys are presumably thriving and benefitting from you living in town?

you are much happier and the boys are presumably thriving and benefitting from you living in town

I hardly recognise myself as I'm so base-line happy ! Still get stressed with work etc. but no comparison to living with exH !

The boys are thriving too and this week DS1 told me how much he loves living where we are and being able to be independant and go out and about with his friends and walk to school.

DS2 doesn't articulate it but is definitely benefitting too - he had the afternoon off on Wednesday and popped home for lunch for a sandwich before heading off on a long walk around with friends hanging out at different houses.

Great to hear from you and that you sound so positive. Keep on keeping on!

@jamaisjedors

you are much happier and the boys are presumably thriving and benefitting from you living in town

I hardly recognise myself as I'm so base-line happy ! Still get stressed with work etc. but no comparison to living with exH !

The boys are thriving too and this week DS1 told me how much he loves living where we are and being able to be independant and go out and about with his friends and walk to school.

DS2 doesn't articulate it but is definitely benefitting too - he had the afternoon off on Wednesday and popped home for lunch for a sandwich before heading off on a long walk around with friends hanging out at different houses.

That's fantastic, to hear that all three of you are so much happier. Well done to you for what you have achieved.

I think whilst the dcs can't stay overnight, stbxh has more control over you. If you have to collect them each time they see him, you do not have the chance to spend nights away with another partner.

What bugs me is that he is insisting on going the long way around for this, which means the DC don't get a proper weekend or holidays with their dad.

Gives away what his goal is though, doesn’t it. Actually spending time with his DC is coming second to the need to put you back in your place and assert his “dominance”. Shows where his head is at.

Great that you and your DSs are still doing so well though

Still full of admiration for you Jamais. What a journey it's been for you. Glad you are finding your happiness again.

Still full of admiration for you Jamais. What a journey it's been for you. Glad you are finding your happiness again.

I keep thinking about this Jamais... I suspect your initial feelings about real estate agent were correct, as they are a rather particular kind of person. Meanwhile, when you take that into consideration, if this person has chosen to divulge the true valuation to you as well as Grumpypants, I suspect he recognizes common character traits, and doesn’t much like them in other people. 🤣

the more happy and normal you give to your boys, the more they will be able to see and articulate the abnormal

Good points about ex not actually wanting overnights, so not doing anything proactive about changing the status quo

I have a feeling you are all right about ex and the overnights now, he knows I'm stuck.

I'm starting to think about dating now, I feel like I would quite like to.

Just had a bit of a negative experience with a guy I met on holiday who lives in a nearby city.

He came over for the day and from his messages I was pretty sure he was interested in something "romantic" and not just friendship. It was ambiguous all day and at the end of the day we had a conversation about it. Turns out he's just started seeing someone and so is not available right now after all.

I was a bit shaken up last night as it's the first time I had envisaged anything with another man and of course the rejection stung, even if he was nice about it. I also seem to be giving off a "fragile, be gentle with me, I'm not ready to date" vibe which is annoying as I see myself nowadays as pretty strong and sorted.

To be fair we want different things right now - he wants to live with someone and I absolutely do not and also I am not moving from this city for at least another 4 years so we are not in the same place at all.

Anyway, feeling better today and have thrown myself into doing some work and thinking about filling out an online dating profile.

Another step forward !

You eldest is 16/17?

At what age do they become legally responsible if something happens to a child in their care? In England/Wales it's 16.

Your eldest can babysit.

Eldest is coming up 16.

Definitely leavable for an evening (wouldn't do it overnight for the moment because he would be responsible for his brother).

I'm just waiting til I hear back from the psychologist who is supposed to be reporting on us.

I don't want the boys to be saying I'm out every Saturday night and leaving them alone at this stage when I've spent a whole year being careful, coming home early from dinners with friends, turning down invitations etc.

Perhaps as you become more confident dating opportunities may crop up naturally?
But I don't think a judge will expect you to be a nun, nothing stopping you meeting work 'friends' every few weeks. You don't have to be specific with the kids then you're not asking them to keep secrets from dad.

He came over for the day and from his messages I was pretty sure he was interested in something "romantic" and not just friendship. It was ambiguous all day and at the end of the day we had a conversation about it. Turns out he's just started seeing someone and so is not available right now after all.

See, I think that was very dishonest of that man. He should have been 'up front' before he even came over that he was seeing someone. IMHO he was scoping you out to see if he liked you better than her.

I’ve been wondering how you’re doing. Sounds like it’s all going well for you. Despite the glacial pace of the divorce

@AcrossthePond55 I am thinking that now, that he hadn't quite made up his mind.

I have looked back at his messages and they are definitely ambiguous.

He made me cookies and everything !

To be fair he didn't know exactly what my situation was with the kids etc. and as he lives an hour away it is pretty clear that with me only free eow in the daytime there is not much scope for anything serious and he is looking for something serious.

He has just texted me now actually ! I will leave it to reply for a bit! I think he is keeping me in reserve and just not that into me, which is fine (and I won't pursue it ).

@forrestgreen
I was kind of thinking that opportunities might crop up now and actually spending the day with this guy has made me realise I can easily chat to someone and spend time with them so I'm not so scared of engaging with a man now !

Also just got my hair cut and coloured, post-separation cliché !

But I'm in a position at work where it would be tough to meet someone (I'm high up) and also exH works there.

And then I don't think I've come across a SINGLE (as in not attached) man in a very long time.

I'll give the online dating a try, keeping a very sharp eye out on myself to NOT go for emotionally unavailable people.

I have noticed this year quite often I have felt myself drawn to people who are "difficult", like I need to win them over and convince them to like me.

(and yes, I HAVE read "Women who love too much").

And I will take things super slow as I'm only 60-70% convinced I actually want to meet someone anyway.

Trying to look on it as a way of building my confidence with chatting with new people and getting to know what I like and don't like. Lots of good tips on the dating thread on here.

@SwanShaped glacial is a great way to describe it !

exH has just proved himself a w*er again. School have sent a load of papers to sign, he has signed some but not all, and written a note to the school to say they must legally assume he does not agree with me about ANY decisions and consult him on everything.

He already did this last year and DS2 nearly missed out on the school photo because exH hadn't signed the form and they couldn't get hold of him.

Actually it made me at first, but now I'm laughing and have taken a photo of the note as it's another nail in the coffin of joint custody - total proof that there is no way we can collaborate as parents ! I can show it to the psychologist when we get his visit to explain why custody should only be EOW.

Had say I thought Glacial was very apt too 😂

He really hasn't improved at all, control, control, control. Thank goodness the boys have you and no longer live under his micro management control 24/7

Rather than look for a relationship, look for life/fun