Divorcing sulking H - will it happen in 2020?

[jamaisjedors]

So this is my FIFTH thread, and no, I'm still not divorced and probably won't be in 2020 as my exH is refusing to sign the initial papers and so this could drag on until 2021 (2 years after our separation) when I can divorce him without his consent.

First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Now I am at the stage of entering financial negotiations with exH through lawyers and solicitors plus he has appealed the judge's initial decision so we have to go back to court in mid-February.

Fun start to the New Year which is why, a whole year on, I still need the support and advice of all of those who've been through similar situations or who are just naturally wise !

I have also come a very long way this year.

Leaving a controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Actually NO, the hardest thing I ever did was STAY in that relationship so long in a bid to keep our family together and make it work.

I'd love to think that by sharing this journey on here it might help others who are doubting their strength and capacity to leave - my life is a million times better now although I still have a lot of healing to do.

Glad you've had a couple of nice breaks this year :)

That needs factoring into any valuation definitely.

Had a bit of bad news last night, my lovely lawyer/barrister/solicitor is moving to the other side of the country so I will have to move to someone new.

She has suggested 2 names and I have already got an appointment with one of them.

She has been incredibly supportive over the last 2 years (I first saw her in December 2018) and without her advice and support things could have turned out very differently.

I'm lucky that she's been there through the worst of it.

We have agreed to have a drink together when my divorce finally comes through and when she is back in the area (which she will be regularly).

I guess this is part of the transition phase too - last time I saw my psychologist she "signed me off" and now I have to wean myself off the support of my lawyer !

Lucky I still have you lot !!!

@jamaisjedors

Had a bit of bad news last night, my lovely lawyer/barrister/solicitor is moving to the other side of the country so I will have to move to someone new.

She has suggested 2 names and I have already got an appointment with one of them.

She has been incredibly supportive over the last 2 years (I first saw her in December 2018) and without her advice and support things could have turned out very differently.

I'm lucky that she's been there through the worst of it.

We have agreed to have a drink together when my divorce finally comes through and when she is back in the area (which she will be regularly).

I guess this is part of the transition phase too - last time I saw my psychologist she "signed me off" and now I have to wean myself off the support of my lawyer !

Lucky I still have you lot !!!

Lucky I still have you lot !!!

We're here to stay wether you want us or not

That's a pain, but she has given you names, so hopefully she thinks they will be good in this circumstance.
The Psy signing you off is good news, in reality she thinks you are over the crisis, & that does seem to be the case.
One foot in front of the other....

Oh no, at least she'll do a good handover. You just need someone who understands ex rather than being taken in by him

My lovely lawyer saw me through 9 years but I moved out of her legal jurisdiction. New lawyer, new court - he lost parental responsibility - it was a thing of beauty. So it might turn out to be a good thing.

Oh no! You just had her trained too! I hope new one is fabulous and really listens to how manipulative EX is!

It might be that the new lawyer is even more wise to controlling men & how best to manipulate manage them and if not you are certainly wise enough.

Oh that's a so frustrating. Can she recommend someone for you and do a good handover?

Thanks for the comments.

After my initial disappointment I am feeling positive, at this stage I know what I'm doing more or less and have an appointment set up this week with one lawyer who sounds promising on the phone.

My current lawyer recommended 2 people and said to see them both to see how I felt.

In other news, exh has said he wants to go ahead with the application for planning permission on our garden to get an accurate estimate.

He says he will make a decision on selling or keeping the house/land once we have the final valuations, which is fair enough.

It will take a good few months but as the solicitor in charge of drawing up a fair sharing out of assets has given us no news since December, I don't expect things to move that quickly anyway!

Tbh it'll be nice to have the opportunity to mess him about for a bit over the price.

I think you are more than magnanimous.
He has lived in the family home all these months, paying no mortgage/rent.
Now he can decide if he sells the plot, or keeps it & builds (& makes lots of money) be careful to get your own valuations.

I second getting your own valuations and I speak from experience!

about the valuations the estate agent has just rung to make sure that exH has told me all about their meeting.

He has given a higher price than ex said but what will matter will be the final valuation anyway.

Initially we had to get at least 2 valuations on the house for the solicitor, which we did, ex organised one, I organised the other.

We will do the same for the land/garden.

@Mix56 it's true that ex has been living rent-free since last May. However when we finally settle up, he will have to pay an occupation fee which should be equivalent to half what the house could be rented for. But there is no rule about the amount so that will be more wrangling I suspect.

Meanwhile at least my maintenance payments take into account the fact that I am renting and he is not and so are relatively generous.

He is contesting them currently, but as the situation still hasn't changed, I think the judge is unlikely to lower the payments right now.

re: lawyers, I'm now thinking that it will be interesting to get a fresh look at our situation and so am not feeling stressed about the handover.

I have appointments with both lawyers now and my previous one said she is also available on the phone if I need any advice.

Also found out the a friend's daughter MIGHT be interested in buying our family home if exH decides to sell.

The estate agent seemed to think that ex WOULD be selling as he was knocking around in a big family home on his own, but actually it would be quicker for me if he decided to buy me out.

Would also involve less interaction with him because I dread to think what it would be like having to go round there and get the house ready for viewings or trying to persuade exH to finish up some of the DIY which has been left undone...

I'll cross that bridge when I come to it !!!

He could buy you out and still sell maybe? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Would he be more likely to buy you out if you say that he should sell?

He is such a TWAT!!!

You could offer him a "good deal" to but you out just because it will be less stressful and he will think that he's won?

Good tips about maybe offering him a deal to get it all decided, he can always sell at a later date.

I will talk to the new lawyer about it. Seeing one tomorrow.

We can always ask for him to make a decision about the house by x date, after which a financial agreement will be drawn up which assumes he is buying.

If he then changes his mind, at least the court will see that HE is the reason the divorce is taking so long.

No point rushing for the moment, until the survey is done and the planning permission granted. After that it should be possible to reach an agreement if we have an accurate valuation of the land, I don't think it technically has to be sold for us to settle up financially.

The estate agent thought it could be on the market by early next year anyway.

Is it the same as over here, in that planning permission is only valid for a certain length of time (3yrs) unless you start the build to a certain point? If so, may be a case for pushing him to make a decision sooner rather than later!

Its not planning permission is it ? you aren't putting plans in ?
It's getting the PLU to validate that the land is "constructible", & how many houses could be built.
This is potentially worth a fortune, imagine if a developer could build 4 houses on it, plus if you sell your house, he might be able to build more, depending on the M2
Your X, has played this badly really, he could have just bought you out, not mentioned the plot potentially being in a building zone, & sold it later !
More fool him !

@Mix56 - we got the "certificat d'urbanisme" which was the first step - exH initially back in January did not want to apply for that but had no choice (he said I was pushing the price of the house up).

Now it's the next step where a plan is drawn up of how the land could be divided up and where access could be etc. It will be valid for 3 years.

I am lucky that the estate agent has been straight with me all along.

After the first valuation of the house, he called me to say there was a possibility the land was buildable on and he didn't want me to be cheated out of it by X buying the house at a low price and then selling it off later.

Your X, has played this badly really, he could have just bought you out, not mentioned the plot potentially being in a building zone, & sold it later ! This is exactly what would have happened if the estate agent (who knows us as he initially sold us the house) hadn't called me back after his first valuation.

Lucky the Real Estate Agent has realised your soon to be EX is an arse

Don't let it drag on for 3 years! Presumably you could then reapply though so he wouldn't necessarily gain anything?

Thank goodness for an honest estate agent! Mine was worth his weight in gold - almost literally!

That us great to hear!!! You can buy that estate agent a bottle of wine !!
XH must have been furious you found out 🤣

He has given a higher price than ex said but what will matter will be the final valuation anyway.

So the EA said one figure to Ex and Ex lied and told you a lower amount????

If you can get that in an email it’s useful “dickhead” evidence if you ever need anything additional... not that you’re short of it

Good that your EA is honest though.