Divorcing sulking H - will it happen in 2020?

[jamaisjedors]

So this is my FIFTH thread, and no, I'm still not divorced and probably won't be in 2020 as my exH is refusing to sign the initial papers and so this could drag on until 2021 (2 years after our separation) when I can divorce him without his consent.

First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Now I am at the stage of entering financial negotiations with exH through lawyers and solicitors plus he has appealed the judge's initial decision so we have to go back to court in mid-February.

Fun start to the New Year which is why, a whole year on, I still need the support and advice of all of those who've been through similar situations or who are just naturally wise !

I have also come a very long way this year.

Leaving a controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Actually NO, the hardest thing I ever did was STAY in that relationship so long in a bid to keep our family together and make it work.

I'd love to think that by sharing this journey on here it might help others who are doubting their strength and capacity to leave - my life is a million times better now although I still have a lot of healing to do.

I haven’t read for ages but just recommended your threads to another poster, so popped in as you’ve just updated !
Enjoy your holiday.

Must admit reading through the recent updates, thought once you tell people to not discuss the ex, you will find out who your real friends are. It’s common to lose connections to friends/family during a breakup.

People who are over involved, or in it for the drama will struggle to respect your need for a peaceful life, they will want to give you snippets of info about your ex - and you can then be guaranteed they are doing the same to him.

Also hearing how he is sad & moping to friends, I thought “well of course” - this whole saga is about him being a sulker, this is what he does! So now he will suck the life out of his friends, wanting them to pander to his moods & dramatics. Of course, it’s not within the confines of a marriage so his traits will display differently, in this case now he is a “Moper” not a “Sulker”.

Am shocked how long this divorce process in France is taking, this whole episode is like an anti-marriage message. You must have the patience of a saint & deserve to be able to move on from having the ghost of him still haunting your new life.

Enjoy the holiday

Hope you are having an amazing holiday!!!

@jamaisjedors do hope you've had the best holiday with your DC.

Sorry, hope you've had a lovely hol. Had to post as you're way too far down the list

checking in OP.. glad to see you're still here

Lost my own thread and had to do a search !!!

Thanks for all the holiday wishes. We had a great time. It was so freeing to be able to prepare everything myself and the (long) drives were strangely less tiring than in the past (we used to share driving 50/50) because they were totally stress-free and I enjoyed spending that time in the car with the DS.

I did have a bit of a wobble at the beginning of the first week, when I'm seemed to be surrounded by happy couples and perfect families but I got over my sadness and joined in more and it was good.

Also I participated in a "women's circle" which was very eye-opening, as every woman there (even the ones who looked like they had perfect lives) had some issues or sadness to share.

Bit like MN but IRL !!!

A funny thing, when I did my search for this thread, lots of my old threads came up...

Very revealing - this one from 2009 about DH not liking my friends :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/863753-DH-thinks-my-female-friends-are-poisoning-our-relationship

And this one about broaching marriage counselling with H from 2017 :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3058445-Broaching-the-subject-of-marriage-counseling?msgid=72574839#72574839

Just goes to show that my worries and my feeling that something was "off" in our marriage were actually right all along.

Can't believe I stayed so long when I read back through the threads - they bring back to me just how unhappy I was for YEARS and YEARS.

Anyone who thinks divorce is the easy option has obviously never been through it, in my case it was over 10 years of unhappiness that brought me to the point of no return...

BTW exH's week with the kids and his brother went well and the handover was fine, no drama.

BUT I didn't sleep AT ALL the night before, kind of adrenaline rush and my brain was churning/spiralling. I was annoyed with myself about that because I felt I was letting him get to me, but taking a step back, it only lasted one night and not a whole week !

So gLad it's been a great summer for you all, you sacrificed a night being anxious instead of the whole summer with him. A great trade.

@forrestgreen
you sacrificed a night being anxious instead of the whole summer with him absolutely !

@vikingwife

Am shocked how long this divorce process in France is taking, this whole episode is like an anti-marriage message. You must have the patience of a saint & deserve to be able to move on from having the ghost of him still haunting your new life.

Thank you. One of my big gains out of this whole process has been patience. I was very much a planner, and needed things to happen when I decided they would.

What with an endless divorce and covid slowing everything down, I have learnt to wait and not always be looking to the next thing.

I'm pretty sure in years to come I will look back on this period of "waiting" as a necessary transition to a better life, but also an interesting period in its own right.

Possibly 15+ years of "waiting" for exH to change has made me more patient than I thought !

Possibly 15+ years of "waiting" for exH to change has made me more patient than I thought !

Except now you are waiting for something positive, enhancing your own life and well being, instead of waiting on exH to grow and change you have achieved your own spiritual growth.

Sorry if that’s a bit sappy but honestly you genuinely are inspirational jemais.

Except now you are waiting for something positive, enhancing your own life and well being, instead of waiting on exH to grow and change you have achieved your own spiritual growth.

@FromTheAllotment - not in the least sappy - very much up my street at the moment and the first week of our holidays was spent in a place for families to work on communication and spirituality !

So yes, totally different type of waiting and focused on ME and what I like and what I'm good at and what I want to do... instead of what I can improve about myself to make my husband love me or treat me better.

I like this period being a transition, so that when you're divorce happens, the children are settled, in a routine, older, capable of sorting themselves out, ex hopefully will be more accepting due to the time for acceptance, and you will gain confidence and happiness every day.

Glad you had a good holiday. Well deserved.

Such a major success story.... Well done You !

Hi OP

Took me ages to find this thread again but really wanted to check up on you that you survived lock down

Always thinking of you ❤️

Ironically my divorce took 5 weeks in France but it was by consentement amiable ! Although there was nothing amiable about. He tried to have the kids (aged 2&3) put into care as his surprise tactic in front of the judge.

Holy shitballs @Wallywobbles! Bet the judge loved that curveball!!! I’m guessing the kids don’t have much to do with him now!

No after 5 trips to court, mostly at his instigation he lost parental responsibility. So perhaps better to take longer to get through court and do it once.

Wow! What an arse! Better out than in!

What was he trying to achieve by having them but into care

I imagine he was absolving himself of financial and future responsibility.

He thought it better they go in to care than their own mother having them? Unspeakable vile human being

Yup. Utterly vile. Our lawyer was appalled and said there's a good chance you'll both loose them forever. He just couldn't resist though.

Luckily the judge said somehow I don't think you'd have signed the divorce agreement if they needed to go into care. If you really believe that you can go back to court.

I didn't ask for maintenance as he'd have used it as a stick to beat me with. So grateful I had enough money to make that choice.

Totally @Wallywobbles - you have alluded in the past to the difficulties with your divorce (and your current DP's?) but that is horrific.

I am super lucky to have just had another week away (with v. little internet acces - all the better) so just checking in with the thread.

For those surprised about how long the divorce is taking, it's true it can be pretty quick if both parties agree. Unfortunately Exh refused to sign the initial agreement to separate so I have to wait 2 years (only one now !) to be able to automatically divorce him without his consent.

I hear that in the UK it's 5 years

Everything is ok, exH has emailed to (finally) finalise what we have agreed to do with sharing out the money in our joint bank accounts so I need to check that and then hopefully we can close those !

No nearer to a divorce of course but he does seem to want to move on now for the finances.

Also just found out that part of the garden in the family home is eligible for planning permission. This changes the valuation of course, and exH will doubtless fight it as it seems he does want to buy me out of the family home (which he is still in ).

Could be more wrangling along the way, but as for the moment I am not looking to buy a house for another 4 years (waiting til the DC finish school), I will let it wash over me !

That is good news about the increase of value in the family home.

You've battled this far and you deserve a proper fair settlement to buy a lively property for you. There should be some compensation for the years of control and misery inflicted on you.

Glad your week away was fantastic.