Divorcing sulking H - will it happen in 2020?

[jamaisjedors]

So this is my FIFTH thread, and no, I'm still not divorced and probably won't be in 2020 as my exH is refusing to sign the initial papers and so this could drag on until 2021 (2 years after our separation) when I can divorce him without his consent.

First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Now I am at the stage of entering financial negotiations with exH through lawyers and solicitors plus he has appealed the judge's initial decision so we have to go back to court in mid-February.

Fun start to the New Year which is why, a whole year on, I still need the support and advice of all of those who've been through similar situations or who are just naturally wise !

I have also come a very long way this year.

Leaving a controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Actually NO, the hardest thing I ever did was STAY in that relationship so long in a bid to keep our family together and make it work.

I'd love to think that by sharing this journey on here it might help others who are doubting their strength and capacity to leave - my life is a million times better now although I still have a lot of healing to do.

Onward and upwards Jamais! 🌻

I hope the boys feel as empowered as you to stand up to his bullshit and no longer secretly walk on egg shells around him.

So proud of you!

Well done Jamais! Maybe if he tries to get you to compromise, instead of trying to justify your reasons, just say no. You have the upper hand. It's a powerful position to be in!

@Daftapath instead of trying to justify your reasons, just say no.

I had this in my mind before during and after the conversation and it's a great position to be in!

I would RATHER we move things along now for my own mental health and so the tax break thing is a bargaining chip.

But he asks for compromise on what I'm asking for, I CAN just say no and we can talk it out with the lawyers and solicitors at a later date.

Feels good!!!

Tbh I think he wants to keep arguing with you. If it's resolved he'll have little reasons to keep contacting you.

Yes, he doesn't want it "settled".
He will gave to finally look at what his life has become

@forrestgreen and @Mix56 I tend to agree that he doesn't really want things "settled" and was resigning myself to that.

There is no word about actually moving the divorce forward BUT....

miracle of miracles - exH has got back to me and actually agreed to all the conditions I put on sharing taxes :

• maintenance for the kids & paid occupation of the house from May 2019 (not end of September which he wanted and legally could have stuck with)
• reaching an agreement on the value of the furniture in the house

and as a bonus I also asked him to pay me the child benefit he received both from our employer and from the state for May-end September.

Not sure why he has suddenly become reasonable (I'm always suspicious), but could be a few things :

• I know he saw our friend "Sam" last week and they talked about things - "Sam" told him to get a move on or it will cost him more money in fees and in occupation of the house etc.

• he really really resents paying extra tax

• he is "stuck" with a lot of furniture he doesn't want (according to him) but can't get rid of it as technically it belongs to both of us still

Anyway, I've forwarded his proposal to my lawyer and will get back to him once she's had a look but I've been through it myself and it all looks ok to me.

I'm feeling pretty good about how I handled the "negotiation" because I let him state his terms first, then gave mine but kept back a couple of things to add in when he started being a bit sticky about one point.

And all very calm.

Although I am needing to meditate/run/do yoga like crazy to keep it together but I have my coping techniques !

As an aside "Sam" says exH is doing really badly, hardly sleeping, not working at all (v. bad sign, he's a workaholic), and he sounds totally depressed.

He said to "Sam" that he doesn't understand why I left, that we were happy...

The DC have been there (during the day) for the weekend and today (bank holiday) and it seems to be fine but I'm always slightly holding my breath !!!

KOKO you are doing well!

My guess is that he is wallowing in self pity now that he is finally beginning to realise that this is actually real, and that you are not repsonding to any of his emotional blackmail.
The fact that he still claims that you were happy, because HE was happy, despite the marriage guidance, just proves that he is never going to get it, and you are so much better out of it.

He needs someone to lament to, & its not you anymore, he has to wallow in any perceived ailment or injustice. Sam is probably the only one around to listen.
Watch out for another melt down, if he is failing at work, he may do a repeat performance.

Watch out for another melt down, if he is failing at work, he may do a repeat performance.

I would say don’t watch out for this.

He has friends and colleagues to do this - he is not your responsibility. Otherwise you are tied to his (manipulative?) MH for the rest of your life.

I would also be phasing out your contact without Sam or at least closing off any info about your xH if you want Sam’s friendship.
But often there are friendships that you will need to sacrifice in order to move on emotionally.

You must be exhausted - you have done really well - it’s like some emotional game of chess. Hopefully it is coming to an end now - and the healthiest thing is to put an awful lot of time and distance between you with v minimal contact. You can have all of the access/holiday arrangements drawn up for the next year. Your DCs are old enough to implement this day to day and your only involvement is if anything changes.

Let them set the pace for the time and intensity they actually want to spend with their DF. That might drop off somewhat - if it does support their stance as growing young teenagers. They need to be comfortable wherever they are - they should not be there under obligation. They might not be able to articulate what’s “off” - just pay v close attention to their changing emotions and MH as this whole process will have taken a massive toll on them also that they may be repressing because their is so much explicit turmoil going on with both of their parents. They, and their recovery from all of this is the key priority now - teens are vulnerable, but they have a clear thinking and determined Mum to see them through.

I know Sam has been a great support to you, but perhaps might be worth asking that, unless he feels there is an immediate and imminent risk for the boys, that you start to wean him off updating you on your ex. Its been helpful, but yes, you need to move forwards now and free up the space in your head that you ex has demanded of you during your time together.
The medical breakdown is fact. The time in the mental health institution is fact. The counselling you both had and the diagnosis and explainations you were given by the professionals are fact, so there is no 'he said/she said' ambiguity over these circumstances, plus your sister in law also knows all about it too. Its well documented so however much he tries to rewrite the past in his own mind, the fact remain there for everyone else to see as clearly as pie.

Moving onwards, no matter how HE views your marriage, you have a totally different view and you have left. And that is in the past, no need to revisit it. Its done.

The only thing now is to tie up the loose ends, get it finalised and for a short while (and compared to the rest of your life, it really is only just a short while) you need to only timetable your DSs contact and maintanance. And then you dont really need to have any contact ever again.

I had the boys in mind when I said

Well done on the financials.
You did ask Sam to step back on his discussions of exh with you, you might have to remind him of that, perhaps tell him who to contact if he's worried and say again you only want to know if he thinks there's a danger to the boys and he shouldn't be having them.
Again you were obviously right in not upping his contact if he's not coping, but you have no evidence that he's not coping sadly.

Still no news on her nursery days then?

Sorry wrong thread!!!

I finally found you again, and in such a timely manner! I am pleased to read in your most recent update that ex is shifting things forward. I do hope that it sticks and you can fly and be free! I’m very proud of you for facing your fears and calling ex and handling him like a pro. That’s amazing evolution. I hope to achieve the same level of maturity in my own emotional life. (Different trauma, though.) I hope you learn to tune out his voice in your inner life and learn how lovable your authentic self really is. You have achieved so much in such a short time and have so much to be proud of.

Hi @justilou1 hope you are ok and thanks for your kind words.

To everyone else, thanks too, wise advise about Sam - OTOH Sam knowing what is going on seems to be helping a little as he is nudging EXH in the right direction with finances etc - for the moment he seems to be listening to him.

I had a second phone conversation with exH a week ago and we finalised our agreement.

This conversation was less productive and more him making insinuations about me hiding money and then going on about the "trust" being broken between us blablabla...

Not particularly nice but it reminded me why I left (as if I needed reminding) and I felt less sorry for him and more cross with him and I remembered the way he made me feel (stupid, muddled, irrational).

Since then we have finalised the agreement via lawyers and most things are settled and HIS lawyer is going to ask for a meeting with the solicitor to move forward on liquidating and sharing the assets.

It sounds like exh wants to keep the house as he was moaning about me "pushing the price up" by asking about planning permission for part of the (enormous) garden.

Yesterday we heard back from the appeals court - total anticlimax - the judge has had since February to look at the file and has now said she doesn't have enough information to make a decision so wants a psychological investigation into the whole family.

Meanwhile all current arrangements for custody, visits and maintenance remain in place.

I was a little down and frustrated about this yesterday because I JUST WANT IT TO END and this means another year of procedure.

But I had a long talk to my lawyer today and she is pleased, she says I have nothing to fear from a psychological investigation and that we now hold all the cards.

We can agree to go ahead with it (at at cost, and more court fees because it will go back to court AGAIN once the report is written).

OR we can approach exH via his lawyer, ask him to actually provide us with some information about his mental health (for example meet with his psychiatrist) and then offer to agree NOT to do the psych assessment and come to an overall agreement about finances, access and DIVORCE).

I'm taking a few days to think it over.

For my mental health I would love to reach some kind of conclusion about all of this and get things settled for myself and the boys.

OTOH, a psych assessment could be useful down the line if he goes back to court asking for 50/50 custody after a year of EOW.

I will have space to think this weekend while the DC are with their dad (during the day) and am going to go for a run with them now to get some air.

Delurking.

That's so frustrating from the judge, I'm sure. Keep your eye on the long term - is it better to resolve the immediate annoyance that is XH, or to solve the long term (life time) annoyance that is XH?

In your shoes I'd grit my teeth and push through the next few months for the peace of mind through the years to come.

I'll go back to lurking.

You're amazing by the way - KOKO

I do think it plays to your hand. It sounds as though the judge doesn't have enough info to agree with you, and this is the way to find it. You're absolutely no worse off (except £) so I do think it's a win although it's all dragged out sadly.

My instinct is that it could be good for the boys to get to say in assessment about what they really think/feel/want...

I think the more light that is shone on just how he actually is now, and just how badly he treated you and the boys in the past (and would still, if he could!)
Can only help your case. And yes, the boys get to have more of a say in their future contact with him.

For what it's worth, I think the judge has made a very sensible suggestion

I would definitely try and get some/more psychiatric evidence etc and don't threaten him with doing it if he doesn't lay off- do it.

Having done this will mean he has less ability to piss you around in future trying to overturn or change anything.

Frustrating but hopefully works in your favour in the longterm.