Divorcing sulking H - will it happen in 2020?

[jamaisjedors]

So this is my FIFTH thread, and no, I'm still not divorced and probably won't be in 2020 as my exH is refusing to sign the initial papers and so this could drag on until 2021 (2 years after our separation) when I can divorce him without his consent.

First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Now I am at the stage of entering financial negotiations with exH through lawyers and solicitors plus he has appealed the judge's initial decision so we have to go back to court in mid-February.

Fun start to the New Year which is why, a whole year on, I still need the support and advice of all of those who've been through similar situations or who are just naturally wise !

I have also come a very long way this year.

Leaving a controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Actually NO, the hardest thing I ever did was STAY in that relationship so long in a bid to keep our family together and make it work.

I'd love to think that by sharing this journey on here it might help others who are doubting their strength and capacity to leave - my life is a million times better now although I still have a lot of healing to do.

Remember emotions come to the surface when the time is right to heal.

You are not doing anything wrong - it doesn't mean you are going backwards - you have still progressed. Releasing the fear, pain, anger etc is a normal part of the process & past emotion often becomes trapped in the body.

You are still doing great. Be kind to the amazing jamais that yearns to be over it. Smile at the human you are that is impatient to be somewhere other than in this moment here.

You are moving forwards at the pace that's right for you.

KOKO

You are still a legend !
I had a major "flash" dispute with H recently over his gaslighting/manipulation. devious mis-information.

No decorum at all.
I so admire your dignity sob-

You're doing absolutely fantastic. Be gentle towards yourself. It's really important. And even more so when he is being a total plonker. (That's the clean version of what I would like to describe him as).

Very wise words from you all thanks!

I can't get over how lucky I am to have the support on here, a great and supportive lawyer, plus psychologist and amazing friends.

So many people keeping me on the straight and narrow - probably because they have acquired that wisdom themselves the hard way.

Started a couch to 5k this week with my DC which I think is probably doing wonders for my mental health too after very strict lockdown.

Little update to everyone who has been supportive and everyone who has been reading and finding strength for themselves - today was a bit of milestone for me.

It's been almost exactly a year since I left exH and everything went crazy and in that time I have only seen him face to face a couple of times and never spoken to him on the phone.

I spoke to my lawyer this week about exH's proposals about finance, and she suggested a phone conversation rather than email :

1. so there is no written record which suggests me agreeing with him
2. so that I start being able to handle interactions with him on my own.

I was apprehensive but went through it all with my lawyer, fixed a time and wrote myself lots of notes.

I fixed a time and date to call exH (I don't want calls from/to him out of the blue) and we spoke for about 30 mins, only about finances.

I know that sometimes I was a little rushed in what I was saying or I could hear that my tone was not totally neutral, but I am proud of myself that I :

-let him speak first and did not interrupt

• did NOT try to fill any (long!) silences, I just let him break the silence

It was polite and reasonably matter of a fact.

I could tell exH thought the conversation was just going to be him telling me what was what and agreeing on what he wanted.

He was totally taken aback by me suggesting that HE actually give something too - ie answer my official letter about the finances and agree to my conditions.

I left it by making it clear that I would not be making any decision about his "ask" about taxes until I had an official reply about the finances.

I suggested he think things over and then get back to me in a week.

I don't know whether any of this will lead to any progress in settling up on finances but I feel so proud of myself and genuinely empowered by having taken control and laid out my conditions.

Also, speaking to him kind of reduces the "bogey man" in my head (or in my nightmares) - I have recurring nightmares of him talking me into a corner and totally overriding me.

This way I took the time to stop and listen and breathe (the mindfullness must be working!) and realise that he sounded lost and a little confused and not sure what to do.

It's nice to switch the roles a bit in my head and not always be feeling like I'm trapped by him and waiting for him.

Anyway, just wanted to share the fact that "no contact" has been a real help in helping me heal but also taking charge of contact has been really helpful too.

Have a great Sunday !

You go girl!!!

How far you have come in 12 months

Well done! @jamaisjedors! I've read all your thread(s) from the very beginning and you sound so much stronger and confident!

You definitely SHOULD be proud of yourself. 🌹

That's fantastic Jamie- yes you should be so proud of yourself.

Well done Jamaisjedors, that's a really huge step forward!
It's always worth making a point of reminding yourself that you never have to agree to anything straight away either. You can tell him you need time to think further about whatever, and you'll get back to him in due course.
Happy Sunday to you too. It's bank holiday here but never felt less like one. But the weather is sunny!

Well done jamais, you have made so much progress in the last year and it is wonderful to hear and see in your recent posts.

I’m a long term lurker who has been silently cheering you on. You are one of the posters who I have always admired; level headed, articulate and caring. I’m not often moved to post on any thread but this time I felt compelled to. So very well done for your brave actions this last year and that conversation this week was so adeptly handled. I wish you and your boys all the very best. 💐

Ahh so lovely a whole year on to still have support from mn!

Even RL friends don't always get the extent of the impact of the years of emotional abuse and so it's harder for them to see a phone call as a milestone.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Oh well done! That is brilliant

Well done Jamaisjedors from me too, another long time lurker. You are inspirational

Brava Jamais!

Another bogey is slain.

I shouldn't read this thread really because it brings my divorce from my violent, stalking, crazy ex 30 years ago but I cannot help myself.
I too had one who refused to sign all the papers or cooperate and was gunning for a 5 year separatation because he was suddenly a good catholic.
I'd get letters from his priest asking me to review my stance about divorce as it was against church law.
I'm not proud of myself but I wrote back telling said priest to FUCK RIGHT OFF and is wife beating ok with the church then (also I am not a catholic).
But the point I'm getting to is that the actual divorce is just so important, the day the absolute comes through is the day when you start to feel really free.
Some poeple say oh it's ok just to be living somewhere else, but it isn't you need that piece of paper to be really free.
Mt ex gave up after 2 years and signed everything so I didn't have to wait 5. That was very unexpected. I do think dear OP that they reach a stage roundabout now where they have no fight in them anymore, they know you mean business and they just give up so keep fighting the good fight.

Fantastic news, even a few months ago I don't think you'd have been able to deal with that. Maybe a mental walk through of what would happen if you bumped into him. So you're mentally prepared and not just flustered.

Way to go, Jamais! Not sure if I've ever commented, but have been with you since the first thread. Your strength and courage is nothing but incredible. It's so lovely to see your confidence growing.

30 minutes without raised voices!
(The stopping & not interrupting is something I need to improve...I definitely "get" the being overided.)
That certainly was a milestone.
Bravo Jamais

well done. 30 mins is a long time. You should be very proud of yourself

That’s a massive milestone. You prepared well for it mentally as well as detail of content. You had great coping strategies that I am going to steal and the best bit is that the “bogey man” element is diminished - so the power is back with you and his hold is lost. Well done - it’s been a long road - but you kept taking each step in a very considered and deliberate way.

I hope that this will soon be sorted and you will be able to get some peace.

Fantastic!

Well done jamais, that can't have been easy. Keep on keeping on.

Thanks again. Still feeling empowered even if I did have an outbreak of eczema this week - I am obviously still "allergic" to him !

ExH actually got back in touch with me about the furniture and we have reached an agreement about an estimated value of the furniture I took (practically nothing) and the furniture left.

He will get back to me about the other stuff soon... hopefully !

Annoying again being kept hanging but he will need to get back to me before 11th June (last date for taxes) otherwise he will lose out tax-wise. I still have a few arguments up my sleeve when he tries to get me to compromise !

Also coming up will the court's decision after his appeal (11th June too).

Meanwhile I'm enjoying the slight lifting of lockdown and the beautiful weather.

Thanks to the de-lurkers and the familiar faces for your support and stories.