Divorcing sulking H - will it happen in 2020?

[jamaisjedors]

So this is my FIFTH thread, and no, I'm still not divorced and probably won't be in 2020 as my exH is refusing to sign the initial papers and so this could drag on until 2021 (2 years after our separation) when I can divorce him without his consent.

First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Now I am at the stage of entering financial negotiations with exH through lawyers and solicitors plus he has appealed the judge's initial decision so we have to go back to court in mid-February.

Fun start to the New Year which is why, a whole year on, I still need the support and advice of all of those who've been through similar situations or who are just naturally wise !

I have also come a very long way this year.

Leaving a controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Actually NO, the hardest thing I ever did was STAY in that relationship so long in a bid to keep our family together and make it work.

I'd love to think that by sharing this journey on here it might help others who are doubting their strength and capacity to leave - my life is a million times better now although I still have a lot of healing to do.

Yes, I am afraid so.
I didn't know Denmark are doing no lock down... survival of the fittest.`
It will be interesting to see the end statistics, would be happy to show an interesting article, but there is more than enough CV19 on mn at the moment !

Glad you made it home safe Mix. There's nothing like being in your own house and sleeping in your own bed after a long, tiring journey!

Yes indeed. although we have a 2nd home so no hardship. Was happy to see the dogs ! as for the rest I wish I'd stayed away.

Denmark has been on lock down for quite some time. It's Sweden you are thinking of.

🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗💖to you, well done.

Oh Right ! well that shows how much research they did 😬
www.facebook.com/officialbenshapiro/videos/213241306400598/

The video is from the 17th of march, Denmark has been on lockdown since the 12th of march (evening of the 11th) and the piece they are talking about in this video might be from before the lockdown was implemented 😊

Hi all, hi mix56 glad you are back safely.

Hope everyone is doing ok?

I am doing fine, concentrating in my objective for the year "heal".

Doing a 30 day yoga challenge with Adriene on youtube, meditating every day and catching up with friends and family.

Feeling very grateful that I have my own space and my freedom despite being confined here in France.

Time is obviously doing its job of helping me to grieve, I have a bit of a cry sometimes watching TV which I am viewing as therapeutic.

This morning an email popped up from exh (my filter thing seems to have stopped working).

A long email about his "personal journey ".

How much he misses me, what amazing times we had together, how he was grieving his father last year and so emotionally unavailable but he has realised how much he loves me and wants to be with me now.

That life isn't worth living without love.

That things were great between us and then one little "upset" over a disagreement over my birthday weekend set off a spiral of "violence " and ended up with us separating.

My first reaction was sadness, and then worry about how to get through to him, and now frustration that he claims to have had a lot of time to reflect etc but his version of events is still that we were great together (just a few bumps like any couple) and then this misfortune and misunderstanding hit us.

I've already replied to 2 messages like this and been perfectly clear.

It's very long and heartfelt and I will answer but not sure what to say...

Wait.

The answer will come ~ if you have anything new to say however I suspect that he's just following his old behaviour patterns & expecting you to fall for his 'new insight'.

Maybe there is no reply & that's ok.

@Innertwist
Thank you. I have learnt the value of waiting, you are right.

🧘‍♀️

"No reply" is correct. If he didn't understand the last 2 times, why bother.
You already know he denies any wrong doing.
He has time on his hands & is conveniently remembering the good things. But you need to remember the sulking, the egg shells, the bullying.

My immediate thought is ignore altogether, it doesn't matter what he thinks you wish to divorce.

The real response is "I wasn't particularly happy in the marriage for a long time regardless of how you remember it"

i wasn't particularly happy in the marriage for a long time regardless of how you remember it"

This is kind of what I had been thinking.

Last time I just said my decision was final and that his behaviour during the separation just confirmed my decision.

I can totally see why he's missing me (without being too vain ).

The emotional abuse aside, I invested a lot of time and energy into making him happy, because that what you do when you love someone, right?

So now he misses my company, trips together etc and I'm sure misses having someone looking out for him, buying his favourite cake, checking in about his day, planning meals he likes, choosing days out or trips that would suit him.

But I don't miss very much as he had totally checked out (workaholic) for years.

And I have regained a closer relationship with my dc.

And despite being a full time working single parent to 2 teens, I still have time for myself and for friends.

All the wife work has lifted.

For the French speakers, great cartoons about what women do for love (ie wifework/the emotional load), taking care of others.

emmaclit.com/2020/03/22/le-pouvoir-de-lamour/

"Thank you for your email the contents of which are noted"

Is the only reply

I’d just reduce it right down to “noted” - that’s if you want to reply at all OP

And I certainly dont miss all the little covert negative comments and subtle put downs which keep floating up in my memory.

As my psychologist said, it's hard to be angry with exh as he does seem to genuinely believe these things as he's writing them (that he loves me, misses me..).

But 2 minutes later i am the devil incarnate and out to get him. And need to be punished.

The swing back and forth between hate and love was there the whole time in our marriage, it made it really hard to see things clearly at the time and even now is confusing.

As far as I can see, it is a symptom of paranoid personality disorder to be in total denial about your personality and to believe you are a helpless victim yourself.

At "noted".

I use that quite a lot when he for example changes custody arrangements.

Is it safer to acknowledge it than not acknowledge it?

If you feel it is then I agree "noted" is enough.

I might be tempted to reply "Too little and much too late".

But honestly, does it matter what you say? Anything other than "Oh darling yes yes yes you are right! Let me fly back into your arms!!!" is going to be met with torrents of abuse.

Maybe just "Thank you for sharing"?

Is it safer to acknowledge it than not acknowledge it?

I do feel this, I guess I am still a little scared of his reactions and at a time like the present when everyone is anxious or on edge I wouldn't like to just leave it open to interpretation.

There is no way I am going back, I have regular nightmares with him in them and they remind me of the horrible sick feeling I had most of the time.

I suppose I could go with "thank you for sharing, unfortunately I don't feel the same. We had some amazing times and have 2 wonderful children but for me, our marriage was unhappy for a very long time. I tried my hardest to make it work but it wasn't possible. My decision about the split is final".

I am tempted to say "now can we just get in with the divorce" but if he knows I want it, he'll stall even more than he already is doing.

We have 2 wonderful children, but for me, our marriage was unhappy for a very long time.

Don't you just want to write "oh do fuck off"

He still insists on taking up so much of your emotional space!!! Roll on being divorced so you can can ignore him.

If you do reply, make it as short as possible. Anything else simply allows him to think it is an ongoing discussion (he may do so anyhow).

Also. He does already understand that you have left, and your reasons (regardless of his agreeing or otherwise). He just cannot accept it. He was in control, he still needs/wants to be in control, he may never come to terms with this. Too bad.

I hear what you say re if/how to respond. As I said the dynamic continues. The need to appease/placate is ingrained. But (in my experience anyway) it becomes easier only after you make the break. It wasn't that I felt stronger and then stopped appeasing. It was I stopped appeasing and then felt/grew stronger. It wasn't linear either, it stopped and started a bit. And years later I can still feel like I have to do it sometimes.

This is not me suggesting this is the time for you at all. Just sharing my thoughts/experiences.

Don't you just want to write "oh do fuck off

I really do. But given his record of producing all my emails to the judge, I feel that a more measured answer is appropriate

Still feeling about the fact that the divorce is going to drag on for years as he doesn't seem to have moved on in the slightest.

Can't apply for divorce for another 18mths unless he miraculously agrees to it.

Then we will have to wait for it to go to court.

And then, given his record, he will appeal it on any basis possible.

At this stage it's not the "being married" part that bugs me, it's the fact of still having this kind of interaction with him and feeling obliged to reply.

While things are still up in the air there will still be interaction.