Divorcing sulking H - will it happen in 2020?

[jamaisjedors]

So this is my FIFTH thread, and no, I'm still not divorced and probably won't be in 2020 as my exH is refusing to sign the initial papers and so this could drag on until 2021 (2 years after our separation) when I can divorce him without his consent.

First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Now I am at the stage of entering financial negotiations with exH through lawyers and solicitors plus he has appealed the judge's initial decision so we have to go back to court in mid-February.

Fun start to the New Year which is why, a whole year on, I still need the support and advice of all of those who've been through similar situations or who are just naturally wise !

I have also come a very long way this year.

Leaving a controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Actually NO, the hardest thing I ever did was STAY in that relationship so long in a bid to keep our family together and make it work.

I'd love to think that by sharing this journey on here it might help others who are doubting their strength and capacity to leave - my life is a million times better now although I still have a lot of healing to do.

Jamais , great to catch up with your story.
Although, I don't quite understand your 'what might have been' reference, seeing as things were bad. Hope that you don't mind the question.

Glad it's going well for you Jamais and take care of yourselves.

so glad to hear you are doing well. Hang on in there and sending love

Jamais, your post about sleeping resonates , and I thought of this lovely Dowland song, especially the opening line of the second verse.

Weep you no more, sad fountains;
What need you flow so fast?
Look how the snowy mountains
Heaven's sun doth gently waste.
But my sun's heavenly eyes
View not your weeping,
That now lies sleeping
Softly, now softly lies
Sleeping.

Sleep is a reconciling,
A rest that peace begets:
Doth not the sun rise smiling
When fair at even he sets?
Rest you then, rest, sad eyes,
Melt not in weeping,
While she lies sleeping
Softly, now softly lies
Sleeping.

@Seaside1234 nice to know the thread and shared experiences are useful, I was a bit unsure about posting that because I was ashamed

@Wauden I guess the nostalgia is because things weren't awful all the time, in fact sometimes it seemed that our relationship was amazing. So I miss the good times even if I don't miss the roller-coaster.

I don't want to speak for everyone who has left or been in an abusive relationship, but in my case, it took me so long to leave because there were good times too and of course shared joy in the children.

My psychologist helped me to identity the fact that exH goes through a love-hate cycle with me - even now, one minute he is all lovey-dovey and asking me to come back, and then in the next breath he is swearing I am robbing him blind and the worst person on earth.

Probably some of the "regret" is also because although I am mostly loving being a single parent, sometimes it is pretty tough and exH and I did a reasonable job of parenting together - it would be nice to have someone to run ideas by or discuss worries with.

@Oversosoon lovely song/poem, thank you

Hi to everyone else !!!

That makes me feel better too, Jamais - I keep thinking 'but he's being ok right now, are things really that bad?' and forgetting about all the crappy bits

I still feel sorrow for my divorce - and I can't honestly think of any good times. I'm sad my marriage didn't work out. I'm sad I wasn't able to build a lasting unit with the father of my children, he with the mother of his children. It's sad.

Staying with him would have been sadder! But that doesn't mean splitting wasn't sad too.

Totally agree @springydaff- it's heartbreaking.

In this time of stress with Covid, it is inevitable that you regret not having another responsible adult to bounce your thoughts off & help make decisions.
On that note, I am currently on the other side of the Atlantic, very little CV here locally, I have health insurance, & mutual health agreement with France & QC. I m supposed to fly back to France on the 26th, (assuming my flight isn't cancelled.) They say they may stop international flights at the end of the month. No-one knows how bad CV will get neither here nor there. I am more than comfortable staying put. My adult DC are in France. I would love to have someone help me decide should I go back to France or not ? WWYD ?

Oh @Mix56 that's a tough question.

As far as I can see most flights are being cancelled and most ferries too.

I think you would be ok in the UK if you have insurance etc. My only worry would be that you could be stranded out there for several months.

AFAIK lockdown here is set to continue for at least 45 days.

Even if you got a flight into Paris, you might not be able to travel on to your home as the police are very strict about movements and likely to get even stricter. They will be checking all the trains this weekend for example.

Can you afford/want to stay out there for several more months?

Waving from locked down California. We're just starting it.

It's normal for nostalgia to pop up during difficult times. And unfortunately nostalgia is always through rose coloured glasses! All you can do is keep a level head and a list of reasons why you separated from him in your pocket!

Not UK, Quebec.
No problem financially. There is an onward transit flight in theory but impossible to get through on the phone to airline.

It isn't nostalgia for me, pond! I'm overjoyed we aren't together. I can honestly say I have nothing to feel nostalgic about - the entire thing was misery.

OK, flight cancelled, no alternative, phone lines satuarated, looks like I'm stuck !

That shit, mix ❤️🌺

If you're wavering at all when he's pleasant, remind yourself of how ill he was - then add in the possibility of being locked in with him, the stress of the virus, his hypochondria and the things he did that scared you all so much - how on earth could he have reacted if one of you actually became ill with it? It wouldn't have been a nightmare - it would have been dangerous.

I'm not missing anybody I've ever dated. I think this is how each is reacting to this right now;

1. He's in bed, 'dying' of it. Might get up sometime in July, but only if his wife has keeled over and he's hungry.

1. He's absolutely shitfaced, having started drinking at around 7am. 'Because' he's upset that his Mum is GOING TO DIE. Won't stop him asking her to go shopping and drop him round parcels of food, fake coughing and spluttering down the phone to get her to realise that he Just Can't Leave His Flat. And once she does that, he'll wander down the shops for more booze.

1. He's either still claiming that this is all in the mind and only those people who want to be ill will have symptoms, because they will convince their lungs to stop working properly, or it's going to be great for humanity, as it will cull all the sick, old, foreign and those with poor attitudes, leaving a master race a better quality of human. As such, he'll be doing nothing to limit transmission and probably being deliberately less careful.

1. He's in his girlfriend's spare room, collecting camouflage paint/her gel eyeliner, kitchen knives and tins of stewing steak in anticipation of roaming the country in his truck, rescuing damsels in distress and getting laid, as long as he can get back to his girlfriend's by teatime the next day as his Mum has told him to fuck right off if he thinks she's having him in the house whilst there's a pandemic on.

@MitziK very funny, so true!

The dc saw exh this weekend and didn't report any weirdness but you are right, it would have been more than a nightmare, downright dangerous if i didn't comply.

Shudder...

I'm half way home! Its been a complete fucking shambles. A whole thread of its own. I thought I was an accomplished worldwide frequent flyer. But this has been a whole new challenge.
The French should be ashamed of themselves

💐🌺🌸 Mix

Not here !

@Mix56 where are you?

Hello, yes made it back to France after a mythic slog ! Now quarantined, It doesn't change much for me, I am used to being alone ! & we live in a beautiful place, there's lots of gardening to do as spring has sprung, & we were away for a while.
Sadly the Wisteria, fig trees, vines, lemon trees, potatoes, all frosted the other night... so they will need time to get over it !
How are you all? How are you jamais ? hopefully silence is Golden? Macron has prolongued lock down to 15 April today.. .

It'll be 4 May in reality I suspect.