Divorcing sulking H - will it happen in 2020?

[jamaisjedors]

So this is my FIFTH thread, and no, I'm still not divorced and probably won't be in 2020 as my exH is refusing to sign the initial papers and so this could drag on until 2021 (2 years after our separation) when I can divorce him without his consent.

First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Now I am at the stage of entering financial negotiations with exH through lawyers and solicitors plus he has appealed the judge's initial decision so we have to go back to court in mid-February.

Fun start to the New Year which is why, a whole year on, I still need the support and advice of all of those who've been through similar situations or who are just naturally wise !

I have also come a very long way this year.

Leaving a controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Actually NO, the hardest thing I ever did was STAY in that relationship so long in a bid to keep our family together and make it work.

I'd love to think that by sharing this journey on here it might help others who are doubting their strength and capacity to leave - my life is a million times better now although I still have a lot of healing to do.

glad all was okay OP

Judges must really, really want to slap some people... Pity they’re not allowed to enforce public slapping, come to think of it.... Your ex’s lawyer probably thinks the same also. I am so glad this judge isn’t fluffy and is sending it back to the first one if ex wants to change it. The message is clear - the courts are over you and your games, idiot.

Well done 💐

Delighted for you! Well done that judge.
Verbose ouch
Bet that hurt.

Woohoo

Hi just seeing when you'll get a ruling

Hi, no ruling til 30th April.

In the meantime I have been away this week staying with friends (with the dc too) and we have had a lovely time and been looked after.

Lots of fresh air etc and I have actually slept well and feel almost human again although we are heading back today and I woke up early thinking about work and exh.

I feel ready to get on with things at work though and to face the next round with exh.

Glad you caught up with rest ! hope the DC had a great time.
I wonder do they ever say, "things have lightened up" or anything along those lines

They don't say "things have lightened up " but dc2 has said several times that he has noticed I'm playing with them more - this time I joined in on snowball fights which I would have sat out before.

I think it's a combination of generally feeling happier and more lighthearted, not having to sit with exh so he doesn't feel left out, and being less preoccupied with what he thinks and his moods so more "available" myself.

Yep you'll have to rejig the mum mode. It's great because they're young enough still to mess about. Good job you didn't wait any more years!

Good job you didn't wait any more years!

Absolutely! I am enjoying MY life but also loving the closer and more fun relationship I now have with the dc.

I am ashamed to say they sometimes felt like a burden previously, as exh would moan about how tiring they were and it rubbed off on me.

Now I just feel super lucky to have this time with them, and also that they still want to spend time with me.

Just keep that thought bubble on your head, when intrusive thoughts of him surface.

@jamaisjedors I totally get what you are saying about the children. I'm currently slowly separating from a controlling h. I'm learning to enjoy my children again. It was like he'd get frustrated with them as they drew my attention from him and that frustration would run off in me. But now I can step back and see it wasn't the children. It was him!!
I so admire your courage and journey. Reading it has given me strength that I can and will do the same. I know it hadn't been easy for you but you're still standing and moving forward. I hope I can do that.

@PressToChange hope you CAN make that change.

I can't say I wish I had done it sooner because I am glad I took my time to be totally sure of my decision, it makes it easier afterwards.

I would also say definitely get specific legal advice before doing anything or even bringing up the subject at all with your h.

@jamaisjedors, I just wanted to say that I've read all of your threads now from start to finish (couldn't stop once I started!), and I am just so impressed with you! It's wonderful to see how different you sound now to how you sounded on your first thread. Keep going, you're doing so well

hope all is well OP 🌺

Glad you're feeling better OP. Great work xxx

@OrangesAndLemurs thanks for reading

I'm doing well.

Met up with a new friend I made on my yoga course this summer and had a nice day with her yesterday plus drinks with other friends.

I feel like I have so many possibilities in my life now whereas I felt so trapped and scared before.

I'm also reading "Mr unavailable and the fall-back girl" which was recommended in the happy singleton thread.

It's interesting reading and helping me reflect on why I ignored the warning signs with exh and also why I was attracted to him.

Basically I thought I was independent and his emotional availability attracted me because I was also scared of commitment - because I didn't think I deserved it.

It sounds a bit strange seeing as we were married for 20 years and had 2 kids, but looking at it, exh was unavailable in so many ways... a workaholic, pushing me away with the silent treatment, undemonstrative, never had time for me, always too busy, it was never the right time.

He told me when we were breaking up that he had only married me because he was 30 and wanted to have kids.

That really shocked me because I had felt we both wanted to get married to each other (even though I had never dreamt of getting married).

Although I don't know if this was true or just said to hurt me.

Anyway, I am finding that I am thinking about him less and less and caring much less about what happens to him, which is a good thing.

I also know I have a fair way to go before I'm over him and have finished grieving for our marriage and what might have been.

Wow! Caring less about what happens to him means moving on in the very best way - emotionally! Well done, Jamais!!! I’m so proud of you and so very happy for you!!!

Yes, the goal is indifference apparently.
No love, hate, remorse,regret.
Le Néant

No advice but WELL DONE on leaving and congratulations on freeing yourself, it is hard x

Great update

How are you Jamais, with all the viral dramas? Just checking in.

I'm just coming to your story now, and I'm going to spend some time catching up - well done you for how far you've come! I just wanted to say that this phrase

I am ashamed to say they sometimes felt like a burden previously, as exh would moan about how tiring they were and it rubbed off on me.

really strikes a chord with me - that's exactly how I feel now, like I should be annoyed with them because he is. Thank you so much for highlighting that to me x

Hi, we are in lockdown here in France.

Chatted to a friend today who left her (physically AND emotionally abusive) husband a few years back and who knows my situation.

We were saying how lucky we were to be in our own homes and worth our kids as opposed to locked up with our exes.

I am having mixed feelings.

In some ways the start of the crisis made me feel a little scared to be facing this alone, particularly when making decisions about whether to stock up on food, how to manage the kids, what precautions to take etc.

Plus I felt a little nostalgic about being a family "facing things together ".

And maybe even a bit scared and sad that something might happen to exh.

He signed off one of his emails to me wishing all three of us (so me and the dc) well which touched me.

Such a big crisis makes you wonder whether your own "little" problems were really that important after all.

Otoh, bring realistic, lockdown with exh would have been a total nightmare as he is a mega hypochondriac and panicked.

It would have been manageable because when we were just the 4 of us, I usually "complied" for an easier life but the lack of stress and anxiety I feel now is in such sharp contrast to how I felt every day.

I still find myself with my jaw clenched and shoulders up and have to consciously unclech and breathe.

So far life in lockdown is pretty bearable and I am finally catching up on all the sleep I lost last year - I seem to need to nap every day.

A good chance to work on my 2020 resolution "heal".

Hoping you are all well and safe.