Divorcing sulking H - will it happen in 2020?

[jamaisjedors]

So this is my FIFTH thread, and no, I'm still not divorced and probably won't be in 2020 as my exH is refusing to sign the initial papers and so this could drag on until 2021 (2 years after our separation) when I can divorce him without his consent.

First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Now I am at the stage of entering financial negotiations with exH through lawyers and solicitors plus he has appealed the judge's initial decision so we have to go back to court in mid-February.

Fun start to the New Year which is why, a whole year on, I still need the support and advice of all of those who've been through similar situations or who are just naturally wise !

I have also come a very long way this year.

Leaving a controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Actually NO, the hardest thing I ever did was STAY in that relationship so long in a bid to keep our family together and make it work.

I'd love to think that by sharing this journey on here it might help others who are doubting their strength and capacity to leave - my life is a million times better now although I still have a lot of healing to do.

All strength to you for today, if it happens

Fingers and toes crossed.

Really hope today goes well for you

I hope it goes well today xxx

Thinking of you today Jamais

Wishing you strength, hope today goes well xxx

@jamaisjedors good luck with today. We're all rooting for you.

Good luck!

I've had my fingers metaphorically crossed all day.

Good luck

Thanks! In the end the judge did hear the case, despite the strike.

Exh's lawyer wasn't very well prepared and not particularly clear and my lawyer knew her stuff.

The judge was in a hurry and already annoyed by ex's pages and pages of documents and called him "litigious" and verbose.

The whole thing was done in about 20 mins as the conclusions have already been submitted and she has read them.

The decision will be given (verdict) on 30th April.

My lawyer thinks it went pretty well, but also that quite often judges like to make a concession for either side so may allow an overnight or two.

She doesn't think that there will be any question of joint custody and residency at this stage.

In the future if Exh wants to take it further, he will have to go back to the original judge, who will know that he contacted her original decision. This will not work in his favour.

I feel ok, obviously still lots of adrenaline but much less stressful than last time as I didn't have to speak and it was over so quickly (with very little waiting around).

Planning a beer and an early night as I didn't get much sleep last night.

Seeing a reflexogist tomorrow afternoon who is recommended for trauma and insomnia so looking forward to that and then my therapist on Friday.

Sorry who will know that he contested her original decision

Enjoy your beer and your early night💐

thats a great outcome I think. Pissed off the judge and referred it back for future.
brilliant

take care now

Excellent. Sounds as positive as it could be. Cheers

Good News I think, if the judge had been more on his 'side' there would have been more questions surely?
He & his avocat are a real pair!
Just a pain that you now wait...again.
And so you can relax again for a while...

Well done for getting through it in one piece.

Perhaps his lawyer is sick of him too and can't be arsed with it all. Can you imagine how many emails he must get off exh.

How upset would you be if there was an overnight?

I agree his lawyer is probably pissed off with him too, he's not exactly an easy client, is always right, never asks for advice... probably a zillion emails too!

I think I would be ok with an overnight or two soon, if we hadn't been going back to court I might have already said yes(although exh hadn't asked).

So I won't be devastated if there are some overnight stays, we won't be staying like this forever I hope for everyone's sake.

Dancing like mad around the kitchen to get rid of some of the adrenaline!

The judge called him 'litigious'? That's brilliant!! And verbose? She's got the measure of the man. 👍

Brilliant brilliant brilliant 💐🌺🌹🌼🏵️

Verbose. Ouch for a man working in an academic environment (I think?) that will sting

I know why he's not asking for overnights
Because there's a chance of you having a life

I'm glad it got heard today, waiting for this sort of thing kills me, much better to get it over with.

So the rocks that he has been throwing at you have tripped him up!

Sounds like an excellent outcome.

I find a treadmill is great for getting rid of the adrenaline too.

Well done

Good news. I don’t understand why these men really think that judges with thousands of hours of experience of dealing with cases will think that their stupid long diatribes and hundreds of pages of pointless crap is going to work. 🤷‍♀️ I mean I thought they were supposed to be clever

Well done Jamais. You rock. You also had me laughing when you mentioned dancing around the kitchen table. You really are some woman.

It look like the courts are seeing your exh for what he really is. I agree with a pp. The reason he is not taking the kids is he is afraid that you might actually have a bit of a life - without him - how could that happen!!!

That's great news. I found that they gave ex endless fucking chances. Very frustrating and scary for the kids so just be aware of that, but it sounds like this will likely also be good for you.