Divorcing sulking H - will it happen in 2020?

[jamaisjedors]

So this is my FIFTH thread, and no, I'm still not divorced and probably won't be in 2020 as my exH is refusing to sign the initial papers and so this could drag on until 2021 (2 years after our separation) when I can divorce him without his consent.

First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Now I am at the stage of entering financial negotiations with exH through lawyers and solicitors plus he has appealed the judge's initial decision so we have to go back to court in mid-February.

Fun start to the New Year which is why, a whole year on, I still need the support and advice of all of those who've been through similar situations or who are just naturally wise !

I have also come a very long way this year.

Leaving a controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Actually NO, the hardest thing I ever did was STAY in that relationship so long in a bid to keep our family together and make it work.

I'd love to think that by sharing this journey on here it might help others who are doubting their strength and capacity to leave - my life is a million times better now although I still have a lot of healing to do.

Don't worry there is no chance of me being sacked (civil servant) it just is the mind of thing which if taken seriously, could invisibly damage my career because it casts doubts over my integrity.

I'm less worried about him writing this letter and more about the fact that he is following through on all his "promises" to hurt me.

At the time I totally believed him and was scared of what he might do.

Now I am rationally less scared but I know that my subconscious is still scared of him and goes into a panic whenever he either threatens something or I imagine he does.

Seeing my therapist next week, I will make sure to talk about me and not him this time (spent 2 years +) trying to decipher his behaviour to save my marriage and then the last year trying to "manage" him by getting a psychologist's insight.

Surely the fact he's been effectively sectioned will set the tone for everything going forward. Sadly, people are generally prejudiced against mental illness - and, from what I can gather, the French culture especially so - and his sectioning presents a fait accompli. Whatever he had to say will be viewed through a prejudiced lens.

Even without that, his vindictiveness is a clear as day. Did he handwrite the accusation document? He just won't be taken seriously.

I do understand the fear though. Take heart, the fear will eventually die off. It just takes time - he has controlled you for so long it will take a while for the fear to die off. God speed that day, jamais, when you see him for the pathetic specimen he is, when you know it in your guts. (that took me a good while ie in a very similar situation. But that day comes eventually. Hold on, it's a process )

He wasn’t sectioned though... he basically had a spa holiday for “stress”. His psychiatrist hasn’t offered an official psychiatric diagnosis yet.

The family courts are very tolerant of mental health issues. In fact that in itself can be a problem as they can bend over (and you in the process) to be seen to be tolerant and forgiving.

We only get an end to 11 years of court cases when we changed legal jurisdiction and we were the last case on an absurdly hot day and the female judge was mightily fucked off. Being an arrogant twat he misjudged the situation and made her angrier. It was a glorious thing.

Good luck for Monday

@Wallywobbles, now I want to know your story.
Thinking of you @jamaisjedors

Oftentimes these things reflect so much more on the person doing them, and they are so convinced that they are getting at the other person, they completely fail to see that.
So, to someone reading that letter, it most likely will reflect on him, and if anything, it will be seen as petty and small minded and ultimately work against him.

I think it's great that you are going to talk about yourself with your therapist. I fully understand why you were not doing so up to now. But it's a great shift to think 'this is about me now.' It's a freedom in itself.

All the best, will be with you in spirit for the hearing.

He was however taken away by the police, (suicide threat/attempted to set fire to building )...he had a complete breakdown, He was taken to a locked in pyschiatric ward then moved to a clinic, where he stayed for several weeks.... He was making wild paranoiac accusations,
You were scared he might attack you & the DCs.
Which ultimately is the only reason you have opposed contact, & he, rather than get better, take his meds, consult his psy, he has decided to make this a vendetta, because you are evil, lying, frauding & left him .
It doesn't take rocket science to see who is calm, caring & lucid in this case

I know it'll be hard this weekend but definitely take some me time. You need to go in with your confident excellent mum role.

@Mix56 yes that is the case, I will keep my mind focused on that.

Thanks for the good luck wishes all.

I managed to get a hair appointment this afternoon and slot it in between 2 meetings so feeling less ragged.

My lawyer has just got in contact to say they may not hear the case on Monday after all as there is a strike on.

She thinks it is probably in our best interests to get it put off a bit longer anyway.

I am torn as of course I was all set for Monday and the waiting is not nice.

Otoh I trust her strategy-wise so if she thinks it's better to push it back a while, I will go with that. It doesn't depend on us anyway, she will prepare as if it was happening and then see what the judge says.

I have just realised I have no plans for the weekend and the dc are with their dad as it's the start of the holidays.

It could be good to do nothing too so I won't rush to set up stuff with friends.

On another note, I had an interesting discussion with a colleague at work today.

She was feeling unwell and I accompanied her outside and we ended up having quite a heart to heart.

She wasn't surprised by the (edited) version of events I gave her surrounding our separation. In fact she said to me that she had always suspected something was wrong, something in the way I behaved and held myself.

A couple of years back I fell down the stairs and broke a bone and she had always thought it could have been exh.

It wasn't, he was actually away for work that day, but she had spotted that I was jumpy and scared.

Funnily enough I was talking about that incident with some other friends/colleagues yesterday.

I broke a bone but had a work trip the next day and actually flew out and spent a week away without treatment.

I had kind of minimised the pain but it hit me when I got to the airport after a 2 hr car ride.

When i got to the airport i realised how bad it was but i saw no way of getting home because i couldn't lift my bag myself so couldn't turn around and get a train home.

It never even crossed my mind to call exh to ask him to come and get me because i knew he wouldn't.

It wasn't just me not daring to ask him.

On the way back I asked him to pick me up 20 mins way to avoid me having an extra hour in the minibus. He refused as the minibus was going to drop me home anyway.

My colleagues kindly swapped thd route around so I could get home... and their partners picked them up.

Just a random thought really but I am so sad I settled for so little and ignored my pain (in so many ways) for so long.

aghast.

He was/is so awful

Blimey! More scales falling... It's surprising what we get used to, isn't it? I'm sure you made all sorts of excuses for his behaviour over the years.

Interesting that people thought an accidental injury might not have been accidental.

I'm sure you have more support around you than you know. Look as us on here. People are really sharp at spotting discrepancies and contradictions in the narrative, but that hasn't happened on any of your threads, has it?

KOKO

Every time he's a pain in the arse at the court, it's just aggravation not something that can hurt you anymore. You and the kids are both safe.

Isnt it funny what you condition yourself to put up with, without thinking this is not right!

Every time he writes nasty defamatory letters or starts making up tall tales about your property empire it is just another black mark against him and a waste of time for all involved.

The judges have seen it all before, they can easily see which of you have the childrens best interests front and centre.

What you were saying about PTSD and memory's coming back and nightmares, the reason I think is because you are in a safe place now to deal with it, you are no longer in the warzone. Don't push the memories away or try to block them, let them wash over you, acknowledge how wrong the thing/situation was and be kind to yourself. You have done amazingly well.

Also remember every minute, hour, day is moving you closer and closer to never having to see or speak to him again.

I hope you have a lovely relaxing and peaceful weekend.

and

However, I know that in recent months I have been holding back a little, as exh had inferred he was going to use my seeing a psychologist against me in court (proof I was sick in the head and unstable)

i would just flat out reply that you would welcome the chance to explain to the court that you were seeing a psychologist to work out why on earth you valued yourself so little that you stayed with such an abusive, mentally ill fuck so long and that you're ensuring that you will never settle for an abuser again.

They cook us slowly, mind. Don't forget that jamais.

It could happen to anyone 💐💐

Had coffee with a friend today who told me her version of your story. Her children are younger than yours. Her husband has taken all identify documents, mortgage info, etc out of the house... He is financially abusing her and we live in a country where coercive control is not a crime. I have convinced her to seek the advice of a solicitor on Monday. (Fortunately I know the name of a bulldog.)

re: exh had inferred he was going to use my seeing a psychologist against me in court Would actually work in your favour, with a diagnostic of PTSD... due to over a decade of abuse from him

I wonder if you were furled up so tight trying to protect yourself throughout your marriage jamais and now slowly slowly slowly we begin to see the beautiful hue & softness & light that is the real you.

We're with you in the sad, in the fear, in the anger & the little moments of joy that are to be found here & there & one day every where.

@Innertwist

I wonder if you were furled up so tight trying to protect yourself throughout your marriage jamais and now slowly slowly slowly we begin to see the beautiful hue & softness & light that is the real you.

This made me a bit weepy.

Thank you to all the people pointing out that I need time to heal and that I need to acknowledge that.

I am being a lot kinder to myself these days and not just mentally telling myself to get on with it and buck up ; to feel grateful because others have it so much worse.

I have also taken to heart the image of being out of the warzone as an explanation of why it's all hitting me now where I feel safe

Quite a lot of weeping yesterday but I'm feeling it's therapeutic and better to let the emotions escape through crying rather than my skin (my eczema has flared up again).

I already feel calmer today.

I also see now why people were saying a whole back to stay single until the divorce is over.

It feels in some way such a long time since I decided to leave (over a year) but on the other hand it's all still so fresh and I'm only starting to process it now.

And for the moment, every encounter (email text, nightmare, at work) with exh is enough to set me back for several days).

There will be a lot more interaction until all the legal stuff is done.

Well done

Perhaps you can also see why we explained in the beginning that he isn't a good day because deploys many of the same tactics against the DS everything is always about him at any cost

I hope the DC are thriving spending time not under his control.

KOKO

Unfortunately it is process you (and your body) have to go through, but you will come out the other side stronger and taking no shit from anyone ever again.

It’s Monday morning here in Aus and I am wishing you all the best for today. Whether the strike is over or not - who knows in France? I do hope sense prevails. (Obviously that means everything in your favour because he’s not nice and an absolute loon.)

Fingers crossed for you it goes ahead today. Hoping it brings you some peace.