Divorcing sulking H - will it happen in 2020?

[jamaisjedors]

So this is my FIFTH thread, and no, I'm still not divorced and probably won't be in 2020 as my exH is refusing to sign the initial papers and so this could drag on until 2021 (2 years after our separation) when I can divorce him without his consent.

First thread from December 2019 after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Fourth thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=92845754#92845754

saw me going to court to safeguard the DC through a request for full custody with limited visiting rights.

With the help of my great lawyer we got the decision we wanted from the judge but the battle never ends over every little thing - schools, activities, money...

Now I am at the stage of entering financial negotiations with exH through lawyers and solicitors plus he has appealed the judge's initial decision so we have to go back to court in mid-February.

Fun start to the New Year which is why, a whole year on, I still need the support and advice of all of those who've been through similar situations or who are just naturally wise !

I have also come a very long way this year.

Leaving a controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Actually NO, the hardest thing I ever did was STAY in that relationship so long in a bid to keep our family together and make it work.

I'd love to think that by sharing this journey on here it might help others who are doubting their strength and capacity to leave - my life is a million times better now although I still have a lot of healing to do.

And I'd be including that letter with your lawyer as to his mental health re the school move

The irony is that I only know about this letter because he has submitted it to court as part of the "evidence" that I am a manipulative, lying, cheating...

I work very closely with HR so not sure I want everyone I see on a daily basis to have a gawp at his letter and to know the gory details of our separation but I am holding onto a copy of course.

I don't actually think it will do me any particular harm but it is revelatory of exH's mental state that he obviously thinks it will and WANTS it to.

He is out to deliberately hurt me and this is more proof of it.

And what i have done wrong is to dare to stop obeying him.

The school thing has been dealt with and it will be on my file as a parent and not in a professional capacity - but anyone who has read it and failed to make the link cannot ignore he because he states my position (high up) at the university quite specifically.

I'm so cross on your behalf! How very underhand of him to undermine you both professionally and as a parent.

However, given that he himself submitted it let's hope it ends up in his shooting himself in the foot. Normal people reading it will draw normal conclusions, surely.

That is awful of him

Since he has submitted it to court as supposed “evidence” that you are whatever...
Can you also submit it, as evidence of his paranoid and vindictive state of mind? If the judge is going to see it anyway then it might be a way to force them to see the letter for whatever it says about ExH rather than for what it supposedly says about you?

Dunno if that’sa good idea or not 🤷‍♀️?

What a shitbag. I really want you to make him pay (nothing that affects the ch obv) but I really really want the judge to go to town on him

He's such an arse. You are doing amazingly well OP X

What a b*stard he is!

I kind of want to make him pay too but actually already the initial court order was already a huge kick in the teeth for him, he was absolutely sure he was going to get 50/50 custody.

Not very charitably, I have a lot invested in not giving an inch in the next hearing and showing him he is wrong and can't get away with this crap.

If he'd been in any way conciliatory I might have been tempted to relax the rules and allow him the benefit of the doubt.

I'm trying not to let my feelings about his behaviour influence custody arrangements because they are separate things.

However, I see my lawyer is preparing the groundwork for down the line when/if he is better by pointing out that he hasn't been to any school meetings, has cancelled contact several times, expects me to pick up the slack, and that I am the default parent.

She has also said several times that his argumentative attitude and refusal to negotiate or compromise is incompatible with 50/50 residency which needs the parents to be able to communicate to work smoothly.

Jesus he is pulling out all the wanker stops isnt he

What it shows is that he is incapable of putting the boys first, his agenda is all about him at any cost.

He isn't good for the DC and he is showing you this in shovel loads, well JCB digger tbh. I still think you don't recognise how damaging he is for them.

If I could come and cheer you on from the gallery I would (free hol included obv) 😂

Absolutely everything crossed for you. When are you in court

Wow Jamais he's a vindictive shit.

Massively stressful, frustrating and unfair for you. But he is really showing his true shitty yellowy-greeny-brown colours to the world. Presumably it's public knowledge that he has mental health issues and that your dcs' school has been changed against his wishes. Writing a defamatory letter about you regarding the school change is so transparently a spiteful act of revenge that it really does make him look quite delusional and frankly a bit thick.

I agree with your plan of mentally shelving the letter as yet more evidence of his warped mindset. Your kindness, fairness and good sense shines through your posts here, so I'm sure that it does even more so with everyone who really knows you in the real world.

thanks for all the support.

Even though you're not here to physically cheer me on on Monday in court (a friend is driving me) I know you are all here and it is amazing to know you have my back.

I just can't believe that someone can be so horrifically nasty to another person.

I'm so glad you got away from him and even though this is all so bloody stressful... you are free. You have your own home away from him and your own life now.

Live it well and eventually he will be a distant memory. I suspect once everything is sorted and you're divorced, he will drop contact with the DC as they have ceased to have a purpose..... which is to get at you.

@jamaisjedors Good luck for Monday 😘

Have you/the court ever heard what his diagnosis was?

Presumably he has some underlying mental health condition, and something triggered the breakdown? Or do the professionals think it was just a random one-off thing? (or have you not been told?)

OMG am so FURIOUS on your behalf!!! I can remember how worried you were for that arsebadger and now it comes out that he’s done this. Odious, little creep!!! How dare he?!?!
I want to go and slap him in outrage on your behalf! (No danger - am on the wrong side of the planet)

Delurking to say what an inspiration you are! He is beneath contempt. Yet, in the other side of his face, he is asking for you to reconcile. You are so well shot of him. I hope the judge throws the (very heavy, preferably) book at him for this nonsense.

Perhaps you should get your lawyer to send an email to him stating that you have never disrespected him personally or publically, and through this whole process you have been mindful only of the the children’s and his physical and mental well-being. You are shocked to discover that the same person that claims to want to reconcile with you is the same person who was responsible for this email attached, which attacks your professional reputation, which is clearly him following through on the threats he made before you left. Surely the threat of legal repurcussions right before court on Monday might give him a case of the heebiejeebies and make him pull his paranoid pants up higher.

I can’t believe how far you have come from your first post.
Good luck 💐

Re attacking your professional reputation. The end goal is what ? To get you Disciplined? Sacked?. How would that help his children if you had no income?
It is an action of pure spite, defaming, when he was incapable at the time of looking after them or himself.
I would very much hope your sol is ready to rebuff, saying he has deliberately made an attempt for you to be fired using false accusations, as he threatened to do before you left

I can’t believe he was so stupid to submit the letter to the court. They just makes him look vindictive. Unless I’m missing something.

If she were sacked and her professional reputation destroyed then maybe she would be destitute and may consider his kind offer to take her back.
Or she wouldnt be able to support the children, so he better look after them.

Im GLAD he has done this as it shows the paranoia in full flow, and the vindictive behaviour

Yes it would cost him a lot of money if he were to get her sacked as then he would be solely responsible for paying for everything for the children. Idiot.

@ScapaFlo I don't think it would in France. She'd be expected to get another job. However as a civil servant he'd being doing well to get her sacked.