I'm being emotionally abused not sure how to deal with this

[tink870]

I've being watching eastenders the girl on there Chantelle is living my life on the tv. I am questioned when I wear makeup or dress up I'm questioned when I use my phone. Basically my whole life is controlled by my partner to some level.
I'm allowed to see family and go on certain nights out. I went on a work night out recently and was hounded all night and when I got up in the Morning.
I get blamed for everything that goes wrong. I am half a person walking around like a ghost. It's been this way a good few years now I watched the programme and it's very much like that dynamic he's in the better job and everyone around me thinks he's a nice guy expect a couple of friends and one family member everyone else thinks he's ace.
I don't hug him anymore or want to sleep with him I love him in my own way but he's ground me down so so much I've got no love left or emotions. When he's nice I don't trust it because I know the nastiness is a couple of days away.
I've got what I would say is clinical depression now like ptsd because I've lost all who I am as a person.
I'm holding down a job and looking after the kids that's about it.
He comes to bed with me he wakes up with me in the mornings I try to get up first so I have ten minutes alone time but if he catches me on my phone all hell breaks lose so I hide in the toilet.
Financially I will struggle massively without him sometimes it's ok but I never feel normal I always feel on edge and upset but I don't cry anymore now.
We don't go anywhere really and I'm an adventurer by heart he never wants to do anything like go on holidays I always book them but he makes them a living hell from start to finish I'm not going on holiday this year because I can't take the stress of him arguing on me.
The kids aren't his Met him when my little one was a baby and they don't see their real father anymore he has no interest.
He doesn't really interact with the kids much he does the basics if I'm at work and he's not in looking after them but he's not a dad or friend to them really he isn't interested he's only interested in me.
He wants my attention at all times he even cries saying I don't hug him or kiss him well he killed that when he suffocates me.
I feel dead inside I want to get out but have nowhere to go my oldest is a teenager I worry about up rooting him the most.
I can't breath I'm suffocated every day of my life.
I'm only able to write this now because he's giving me silent treatment because I was on my phone when he woke up but he's being giving me silent treatment for two days and I've done nothing wrong. I need help I feel like life is not worth living anymore

I am so sorry this is happening to you. But you need to get out as soon as possible. You are stuck in a cycle of abuse and this is how it works. He will emotionally blackmail you to get what he wants. This sounds really unsafe for you, especially the comment about you never leaving him. Not to mention to trauma to the children.

You need a good exit plan, as leaving often triggers violence. So, you need good advice from a domestic violence agency, the police, the CAB etc. Ask at your GP surgery if there is anyone there who is trained to support people with domestic abuse and make an appointment, or make a double appointment with the GP to discuss this and that you cannot access services at home. If you can keep it somewhere he can find it, write out what you need to tell the other person so you can give them the paper if you start to cry. Do you have a computer at work? If so, use that to check out services during your breaks if you are allowed. I might even think about telling my manager or a work colleague who may let you use a phone to check out or make contact. I think going to live near your mum is a great idea. But without a police trail, he will still have access to your kids so you need to get advice on that as well.

Please take care and look after yourself.

You need to dial 999 if he comes there again OP. Keep any texts/messages as evidence. Contact Birmingham Women's Aid tomorrow for help and advice on your legal options including the Sanctuary Scheme that I mentioned above to secure your place.

Since he has form for stalking and you may be in for the long haul here given his history, then consider contacting The National Stalking Helpline 0808 802 0300 for help and information.

The reason you're being advised to dial 999 is that the situation can escalate very, very quickly. I'm glad you got the dog back, that's great news.

Tink, you are incredible.

You can do this.

You've done the hardest bit. Keep going.

You do sound like an incredibly strong lady underneath, even though you probably don’t feel it. You’ve made that momentous first step. Stay strong. Back yourself up with as much W’s Aid or police help as you can. Tell friends, colleagues, neighbours to keep an eye out for him. You will get through this.

Well done OP.
You are so much stronger than you realise.
You have gotten him out of your home.
Wow!

You can do this.
👍👍👏

You are so strong, and you are doing so so well. Is there anyone who can come and stay with you tonight to put your mind at ease a little that you're not alone if he turns up? You've come so far already, this is the beginning of the rest of your life Tink, keep going, don't look back now, you can do this.

I know but I'm scared and I'm scared because jve got to face an abortion aswell as moving forward with this what if I can't do it. I don't know whether to go to work tomorrow but I need to contact people get the locks changed and then I will need time off for the termination too

Will work be supportive? You need those locks changed asap.

One thing at a time. Do the police know? If not call non emergency and log that he is unstable and you are scared.

so proud of you. In a few years you'll look back and feel so strong. X

tink if you’re only a few weeks it really isn’t the same thing as being very far along. Think if the children you have now and being able to give them the best life you can. I don’t advocate termination lightly but in your case what choice do you have? Things would get a great deal worse if you continued with the pregnancy. You are doing so well. You’ve made the first step. You can do it.

Did you see the link on page 2 of this thread? For the book Why Does He Do That? It explains the cycle of abuse - it’s well written and therefore easy to read. It’s free, which to me indicates how strongly the writer feels about giving women the information they need.
I will look for it and cut and paste it. Don’t think about all the things you have to do - it will only make you feel overwhelmed. Just take small steps. Getting him out is the first step. The next is keeping the police informed and being vigilant in not letting him back in.
Please block him so that you can’t read the texts. Trying to make you feel bad is all part of the manipulation. Think about not even being able to make a slice of toast in your own house without being told you did it the wrong way. That is control.

He will do whatever he can to get you back. Stay strong. How do you get the kids to school? Do you walk or drive? Is there anyone who could accompany you?

*..do not hesitate to ring 999, the police know about coercive control and they will understand.

When you have a moment you could try reading this book www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf It’s free to download and should help you understand why he does the things he does.*

From a kind poster earlier in the thread

Hi thanks so much I'm relying heavily on this group now I need this to keep me sane when I feel this way.
I drive to work and have a relatively decent job but money will be a bit tight without him here. I'm working out my money now it will be difficult for me and to let the kids do their activities and things. I can't afford another baby because I just get by as it is if anything it's irresponsible for me to go ahead. He hasn't made contact but I bet he's fuming inside because I have blocked him. The younger children are in bed now so I can have some alone time which I need at the moment.
I am only just four weeks along so not far at all so hoping it won't be to bad for me but I am scared I get anxiety over taking tablets and things like that but I've had kids and I'm sure the pain can't be worse can they.
Everything is just so scary I need time off work to sort things out.

I have heard of that book I will have a look at it thanks so much it's so weird being in my house alone I'm never alone he doesn't go out or anything he's always here by me.

Yes I bet it feels strange without him. But you have done the right thing; he is bullying you and has absolutely no right to. What has he done that he can treat you like this? Make sure you get RL support including the police and your friends and family. You are being really strong, keep on going .

If you are 4 weeks you still hsve quite a bit of time. Focus on one day at a time. Maybe write a list of things you need/want to do to help get things moving for you.

I haven't been in your shoes but i imagine the earlier you go ahead with the abortion the less tine you would need off physically.

Wishing you lots of strength. You have done the right thing not only for yourself but for your kids.

Hi Tink

You have been so brave kicking him out. So happy for you. Please be careful and do not hesitate to ring 999 if he comes back.

Here is a pdf of the book Why does he do that, it explains his behaviour and knowledge is power. www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Take the day off tomorrow, get the locks changed. Also I think your local domestic violence group could help with security, window locks etc, give them a call too and see what practical help they can offer you.

You are doing so well. Make sure you are eating and drinking, everything is worse if you are dehydrated. Have a nice hot bath and try to relax, everything else can wait for tomorrow. You have done the hardest thing getting him out.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, just pick one thing to do each day so you only have to think of that one thing.

Thankyou I can't sleep I have to call in at work and I just don't know what excuse I shall give I was going to say my son isn't well I can't spill my guts to my new manager he's only been there a week he will think I'm a liability 😣

My other work friends I have known for a long time I think they know I'm in a weird relationship as I dint go on the work nights out and things because I'm not allowed to go and sometimes I say the odd remark and they have questioned me but I always defend it to some degree.
I think they will be supportive but my manager literally came from another department last week so is new in the job he seems really nice but won't feel comfortable in telling him at the moment.

Well done tink you really have done the right thing for yourself and your children. Thinking of you and wishing you a good night's sleep.

tink I’ve seen Mumsnet persuade an older woman who was imprisoned in a mobile home, where she lived with her abusive partner, find the courage to leave. He rarely went out. It had to be done so carefully. It was amazing and heartening to see women being there for each other.
Try to get some rest but if you can’t, there are posters in Oz and NZ who are online when we’re all asleep.
Keep your phone handy, stay vigilant, stay strong.

God Bless.

Thankyou everyone

Well done.
Stay strong.
Write a todo list each day.
Don’t forget to eat, even if it is some soup

I've had the day off my youngest son has tonsillitis so I would of been off anyway. I think he will try and come back today thinking I'm at work I'm pretty certain so I feel nervous today and shakey and need to phone a clinic and get sorted which is also making me nervous I'm hardly eating a thing I had a sandwich yesterday all day and never ate again. My hands have the constant shakes aswell. My youngest son keeps asking where he is and getting upset which I don't understand because he's not good with him in general and they aren't particularly close.

Please call WA and any other domestic advisor for support.

He will try to grind you down, he’ll tell you he will commit suicide (there is a script that they follow) and then get angry.

I would contact the police again. You need to do this, as if he has stalked you he’ll certainly do so again. They can help you to a get non molestation order, so that he will have to leave you alone or he will be arrested.

Have you asked about Claire’s law? He probably has form for this already and may have a record? The police will be able to tell you.

I tried calling them again last night couldn't get through so gave up in the end.

tink if you think he will try to come back in, have you done anything about the locks?
I don’t want to give you any bad advice about your son, but my feeling is that change is difficult, more so fir some kids than others. Mine don’t cope well with transition. Your son is used to the scum bag being there and being treated badly is all your son knows. But you know, as the adult, that doesn’t mean it’s good for him. And in the long run the change is worth going through to make your son’s life better.
You are going through something very very hard. No wonder you are shaking. Keep posting. We’re here.