I'm being emotionally abused not sure how to deal with this

[tink870]

I've being watching eastenders the girl on there Chantelle is living my life on the tv. I am questioned when I wear makeup or dress up I'm questioned when I use my phone. Basically my whole life is controlled by my partner to some level.
I'm allowed to see family and go on certain nights out. I went on a work night out recently and was hounded all night and when I got up in the Morning.
I get blamed for everything that goes wrong. I am half a person walking around like a ghost. It's been this way a good few years now I watched the programme and it's very much like that dynamic he's in the better job and everyone around me thinks he's a nice guy expect a couple of friends and one family member everyone else thinks he's ace.
I don't hug him anymore or want to sleep with him I love him in my own way but he's ground me down so so much I've got no love left or emotions. When he's nice I don't trust it because I know the nastiness is a couple of days away.
I've got what I would say is clinical depression now like ptsd because I've lost all who I am as a person.
I'm holding down a job and looking after the kids that's about it.
He comes to bed with me he wakes up with me in the mornings I try to get up first so I have ten minutes alone time but if he catches me on my phone all hell breaks lose so I hide in the toilet.
Financially I will struggle massively without him sometimes it's ok but I never feel normal I always feel on edge and upset but I don't cry anymore now.
We don't go anywhere really and I'm an adventurer by heart he never wants to do anything like go on holidays I always book them but he makes them a living hell from start to finish I'm not going on holiday this year because I can't take the stress of him arguing on me.
The kids aren't his Met him when my little one was a baby and they don't see their real father anymore he has no interest.
He doesn't really interact with the kids much he does the basics if I'm at work and he's not in looking after them but he's not a dad or friend to them really he isn't interested he's only interested in me.
He wants my attention at all times he even cries saying I don't hug him or kiss him well he killed that when he suffocates me.
I feel dead inside I want to get out but have nowhere to go my oldest is a teenager I worry about up rooting him the most.
I can't breath I'm suffocated every day of my life.
I'm only able to write this now because he's giving me silent treatment because I was on my phone when he woke up but he's being giving me silent treatment for two days and I've done nothing wrong. I need help I feel like life is not worth living anymore

Are you going to do anything tonight that you couldn't have when he was there? Got some TV to watch he would have hated? Dance around the kitchen in your pants singing into a wooden spoon microphone? Rearrange the cupboards in a way he would have moaned about? Starfish sleep in the bed?

Maybe you can visit the Birmingham Crisis Centre tomorrow OP, if you can get a day off work or do a half day or something.

What we will offer:

Free advice on domestic abuse/violence
Safe, non-judgemental environment
Refuge searches
Informing on housing and benefits
Information on legal services
Information on staying safe
Freedom Programme
Empowerment sessions
1:1 appointments
Signposting to relevant agencies
Child-friendly environment

The Drop-In Centre is located in the BVSC building, 138 Digbeth, Birmingham B5 6DR

Opening hours: Tuesday 10.00am - 2.00pm, Wednesday 10.00am - 2.00pm

For further information, please contact our helpline telephone number: 0121 507 0707

Got to admit I'm loving the peace and quiet I watched corrie with Geoff and yasmin. When he said she was seven minutes at the shop I was laughing out loud it wasn't funny I was laughing at the complete ridiculousness of the situation that she was seven minutes at the shop! That is my life right there my actual life on the tv he said the exact words word for word! Then the cleaning just the whole episode I was laughing in parts because it's so beyond comprehension isn't it.
I had an ok day my mom came and she was so supportive and she told me this funny story about her and my stepdad and I laughed so much I've not laughed like that for ages actually I haven't felt able to laugh it's made me feel like my old self how I used to be. It's been a hard day don't get me wrong like a roller coaster but I've spoke to the kids properly about school and I cooked us hunters chicken and rice with chips and I thought I wouldn't function if he left but I do function and I function better. I had what we wanted for tea and my youngest has just been so lovely he fed the dog and changed her water and then he was tidying all he bed and blankets without my ex shouting at him that he's doing it wrong or calling him annoying. Even my usually extremely hyper dog has been calmer today she's usually very hyper but we're all better and it's good.

Sorry for the long post but I've not had a full whole day to myself in so long I've never been on my own at night it's weird yet so amazing to have a full day and two nights on my own without answering to another person. He has been texting my oldest son though asking how the dog is and how is your mom is she ok and I miss you all I don't believe he misses us she misses having some little soldiers to order about. I told my son to block him but he hasn't I think he has some kind of loyalty or something towards him in a way so I left it even tho they get along the least out the kids I guess he has some kind of mental hold still over the children ? I'm going into work tomorrow I need to keep busy and keep going for the kids.

You have to force the block. Your son feels responsible for managing an adult's emotions. Not good. He will be manipulated and hurt.

How old is the eldest?

Your day sounds quite lovely.

Glad you had a good day. That was the first day of the rest of your life. Keep wankers out and you and your DC's can have a relaxing life. Well done. xxx

Double carbs for dinner is always good

Glad you had a good day, you can relax and scatter toast crumbs like confetti anywhere you want.

You should tell your son to block him, I don't know how old he is, but he shouldn't be dealing with your ex's emotions. Ask him to do it for you and have an age appropriate talk about abuse and how he could use your son to get to you.

Also it's interesting what you have said about your dog being calmer, they really pick up our emotions, so without your ex and his negative energy, he has calmed down.

I have just read from your post a week ago and I cannot say how amazing you are doing, what a wonderful thing!

I too left a domestically abusive relationship in November, with my son my cat and being pregnant!

It has been really hard, I have the non-molestation order now, but still have to go to court for it to go to trial, it is so so hard, but the peace we live in while there isn't court is fantastic!

Like you, we can live and relax and everything is much much calmer!

I am so glad you found your strength, from the beginning post I thought from the way you were writing that you would break through in the next week. I also posted here and left a week later, there were cameras in my house, he was watching me all the time!

Be kind to yourself, there will be up days and down days, ride the wave of the down days and hold onto the up days! You've got this!

Buy a new sim for your son's phone or ring your provider to change the number. You might be able to block the number on your router. Some can do that.

A medical termination isn't too bad. My one was like a bad period in terms of pain but didn't feel it after codeine. Emotionally it was quite tough but when you are sure of your reasons for doing it you know you just have to get through it.

You certainly don't want to be obliged to maintain contact with your ex for another two decades which is where you might end up if you do do it.

I've managed to go onto sons phone and block and delete his number hes asleep now so hasn't a clue , he's almost 14. The mental manipulation is quite incredible he actually is using the child he seems to get on with the least which I feel is part of the control in trying to get him onside to make out he's actually a decent person to my son. As a child I was easily manipulated by someone in the family so I see why they do this.
He actually blocked me on all avenues of which I was really relieved he did me a huge favor which he thought was punishment! Then after my son didn't reply to him asked how I was there goes my phone like my son told him the dog was ok so he can then contact me.
I was so annoyed because I do not want to hear off him and he put please please speak to me please don't do Anything to our baby I love you so much I will change.
I was so peed I read it and he put about the pregnancy because I felt a lot better. I ignored it and it follows up with around fifteen text msgs one after another so I've blocked I'm not going to lie it's so hard because I am programmed to not ignore or defy him in any way so i found that very difficult not to respond and defend myself in some way like I try do all the time.

But even his msgs he was blaming me saying he's only like this because I don't show affection anymore and if only I did this or that he wouldn't be like this but he's sorry !
It's a tactic I read most of that book last night and again today with the tactics and they are to the letter victim blaming.
I just want to be left alone to carry on my life and go to work and go shopping and do normal things like a normal person. I've locked all my doors and checked outside to make sure he isn't there it's nerve wracking up and down right now. Thank you everyone for ur kind support it really helps hearing others have been through this and got out in the end it feels a long wrong because I am used to being controlled.

Tink you are absolutely amazing. It's been extraordinary to see the speed with which you've begun to shut him out of your life and the strength you have found to make the decision about the termination. And to hear that you have had a good day and begun to laugh again is just joyous. I'm sure there will be tough times ahead but hope you feel proud of your courage and determination.

So glad you read the book! We are hearing the crashing sound of the scales falling from your eyes for the last time!!!
Well done on getting him gone. Sorry to hear you'll have to go through the terminating but probably the best in these circumstances.
Great to know you've protected your son from his clutches too....
Onward and upwards!! 😁

I’ve missed a day. Did you get the dog back? I thought he’d taken it? Fantastic news if you have.

Honey I got the dog back so relieved as we all love her so much. But I don't think he's going to let us keep her he paid for her so I can't keep her if demands her back I don't think. I haven't slept last night I haven't slept a wink all night long I feel like I can't go into work because I'm so exhausted. I'm going to take this day off and that is it I will go back to work tomorrow.

Just to say try to take some conscious time to relax. The stress of all this must be really building up and it will help if you can reduce it a bit in your body as you go along by even having 10 min mini breaks where you try to check in with yourself and let go a bit.

I really love your can do spirit Tink. You are formidable! And a great role model to your children and other mums that post on here in similar circumstances.

I hope you can get through to one of the domestic abuse charities today. I think you should have some proper support. It's such a lot to tackle on your own. I'm not surprised that you haven't slept.

This is a time when you need to lean on others.

Wow Tink - I think I read the first page of this thread a few weeks ago, and am amazed at how far you’ve come.
It’s shit. There will probably be a bit more shit to come, but so glad you and the DCs are enjoying the peace and freedom. Not forgetting the 🐕 too.

MN is the most amazing place for support and advice.

Its so fantastic you got police to get the lying manipulative bullying bastard out of your family's life.

tell your kids to never answer texts or calls from unknown number in case he calls from another phone. Would be good to change numbers when you can. Is there a chance you can move closer to family? As macdroid says maybe you can check in with domestic abuse charity today.

Just RTFT.

You're doing bloody well lass! Keep at it. Your life is yours now.

Regarding the dog - if the microchip is in your name I think he'd have a hard job proving ownership.

Well done Tink you are doing so well for you and your children.

I'm guessing he will try to leave the dog with you in order to have an excuse to contact you. Just block and ignore.

As for his starting on your son, that really is terrible and just shows that he only really cares about having control. Ugh. Very telling that he claims you are missing soldiers to boss around. I'm thinking that is him projecting.

Your post at 21.31 yesterday was lovely to read tink. About being able to laugh again. I’m really glad you are reading the book. It is utterly invaluable in spotting the patterns. Did you get to the part about Trauma Bonding? I’m just wondering if that’s what your eldest is experiencing, so it will take him slightly longer to break off contact than the younger ones. I wish you could find a way of changing your eldest’s number so that abuser cannot contact him.

I'm not sure my oldest was laughing at Him but also uncomfortable with the contact I deleted his number off his phone and blocked it begire that's so I don't think he can contact him now. I expect he will move on to my mom next can see it now

That’s what they do. It’s text book. An important part of the script is appearing to be faultless in other people’s eyes. It’s part of the mind games; it makes you really doubt yourself - it’s obviously designed to chip away at your resolve.
Have you asked your mum to ignore him. Is she fully in the picture and primed to ignore. (Or better still block him.) Just take one step at a time. So pleased for you.

You can ask your mum not to share information about you, you can ask her to refuse to talk to him but you can't make that happen.

You can control what your mum says to you. Make it clear you will hang up/walk off/put headphones on quite rudely if she tries to share with you a single syllable of conversation she had with him. He is out of your life. If she wants to be his mate, fine, but he's dead to you.