I'm being emotionally abused not sure how to deal with this

[tink870]

I've being watching eastenders the girl on there Chantelle is living my life on the tv. I am questioned when I wear makeup or dress up I'm questioned when I use my phone. Basically my whole life is controlled by my partner to some level.
I'm allowed to see family and go on certain nights out. I went on a work night out recently and was hounded all night and when I got up in the Morning.
I get blamed for everything that goes wrong. I am half a person walking around like a ghost. It's been this way a good few years now I watched the programme and it's very much like that dynamic he's in the better job and everyone around me thinks he's a nice guy expect a couple of friends and one family member everyone else thinks he's ace.
I don't hug him anymore or want to sleep with him I love him in my own way but he's ground me down so so much I've got no love left or emotions. When he's nice I don't trust it because I know the nastiness is a couple of days away.
I've got what I would say is clinical depression now like ptsd because I've lost all who I am as a person.
I'm holding down a job and looking after the kids that's about it.
He comes to bed with me he wakes up with me in the mornings I try to get up first so I have ten minutes alone time but if he catches me on my phone all hell breaks lose so I hide in the toilet.
Financially I will struggle massively without him sometimes it's ok but I never feel normal I always feel on edge and upset but I don't cry anymore now.
We don't go anywhere really and I'm an adventurer by heart he never wants to do anything like go on holidays I always book them but he makes them a living hell from start to finish I'm not going on holiday this year because I can't take the stress of him arguing on me.
The kids aren't his Met him when my little one was a baby and they don't see their real father anymore he has no interest.
He doesn't really interact with the kids much he does the basics if I'm at work and he's not in looking after them but he's not a dad or friend to them really he isn't interested he's only interested in me.
He wants my attention at all times he even cries saying I don't hug him or kiss him well he killed that when he suffocates me.
I feel dead inside I want to get out but have nowhere to go my oldest is a teenager I worry about up rooting him the most.
I can't breath I'm suffocated every day of my life.
I'm only able to write this now because he's giving me silent treatment because I was on my phone when he woke up but he's being giving me silent treatment for two days and I've done nothing wrong. I need help I feel like life is not worth living anymore

Was it the police you couldn’t get through to or WA?
Sorry I’m sure you’ve said this already but have you logged the abuse with police so that if you have to call them today they will realise the urgency?
Please, please don’t fall for any pleasing or manipulating.

And he is aggressive, either verbally or physically, call 999.
You can do this.

WA I couldn't get through to them. I've rang the clinic they can't see me for a couple of weeks I've been crying all morning because I want it over with . I rang 111 to log it he hasn't been in touch but I think it's part of his games and control I don't trust it one bit and he knows I'm pregnant so he thinks he got me now and I will be crawling back soon that's how his mind will be working right now. I'm at the doctors now with me son I haven't changed the locks yet but I will be doing that so much do to do.

It will all be ok @tink870. You have don't the hardest/ bravest bit already. It's hard to see now but just think this time next year your life will be so much happier.

If you’re at the dr’s now, could they give you the morning after pill (get your son to stand outside the room obviously). Could you let them know how anxious you are and why?
Leave as much of a trail as possible.

Did you try all of the numbers given earlier in the thread?
You might have more luck with some charities than others. Also as you know yourself a lot of posters will be at work now but will come on to the thread later when they’ve finished. We are here for you. Hope your Ds gets better soon. Tonsillitis is horrible.

Well done for kicking him out OP. Maybe try BPAS instead of your GP for the termination. I went to a couples of their clinics around your way (Walsall and Cannock I think) and found them really great. They saw me quickly and treated me with respect the whole time. The medical treatment was not too painful and it was all over fairly quickly. It's nothing you can't manage! Believe in yourself, you can do it. When all this is settled and you're safe and building a new happy free life for yourself, you will be so proud.

12345kbm

You're very high risk. High Risk means that you are in danger of serious harm or death. He could easily have killed you by placing his hands around your neck.

I have looked up the West Midlands and there are a few organisations you can email if you can't call and they can communicate with you via email or text or instant chat perhaps.

You could tel him that you have a doctor's appointment after work and use that time to contact various places.

I don't know where you are but email one of the following asap:

BIRMINGHAM AND SOLIHULL WOMEN'S AID
PhonePublic0808 800 0028Helpline - refuge referrals and access to community-based services: Mon-Fri 9.15am - 5.15pm
PhonePublic0121 685 8687Head office - all other enquiries: Mon-Fri 9am-5pm
WebsitePublicwww.bswaid.org
[email protected]

BLACK COUNTRY WOMEN’S AID (FORMERLY SANDWELL WOMEN'S AID)
0121 552 6448Helpline: 24hr

CHADD Outreach
PhonePublic01384 864232Outreach
[email protected]
WebsitePublicwww.chadd.org.uk

Coventry Haven
PhonePublic02476 444077All services: Mon-Fri 9am-4.30pm
[email protected]

GILGAL BIRMINGHAM
PhonePublic0121 7731431Refuge - 24 hours
PhonePublic08006783283Refuge/Helpline - 24 hours
[email protected]
WebsitePublicgilgalbham.org.uk

There are a load more if you put West Midlands into the Women's Aid search directory I posted earlier. Email them for advice and support OP.

Hope 12345kbm doesn’t think I’m trying to take the credit for her research.
I just wanted you to have all the numbers again.

Have the police been out yet OP?

@Popupshopper Absolutely not! Thank you though.

Let's get this show on the road. I can guide you through some of the processes but, am obviously not familiar with your borough or how it operates so you're going to have to do that yourself.

I assume you're at the Drs regarding the termination so at least that's being organised.

Sorry to hear about WA being so oversubscribed. There are alternatives as outlined above but I can guide you on what to do yourself if you feel capable. If not, then phone around to the various places in the directory (you need real life support anyway so need to do this at some point) www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ The ones cited above are from the directory, there are a lot of places.

We can start the process rolling on the Sanctuary Scheme to secure your home. You need to contact Birmingham Housing Advice Centre. I found this number which may help: 0121 303 7410 If not, then contact Birmingham Council and ask for your nearest Housing Advice Centre. If you have no joy, this is their Domestic Violence number which should have all the services linked: 0121 303 0368 or 0121 303 0369

You need to explain that he has a history of stalking and strangulation which means that you are in immediate danger and have been assessed as 'High Risk'. Tell them you have spoken to the National Domestic Abuse Helpline as well as the police and you need immediate help. You want to organise the Sanctuary Scheme to secure your home.

1. You need advice on how to stay safe. The National Stalking Helpline will be the best for that. Give their helpline a ring and they will give you safety advice on your day to day life such as changing your routine: 0808 802 0300

1. For your legal options such as an Occupation Order/Non Molestation Order please contact the National Centre for Domestic Violence: www.ncdv.org.uk/ 0800 970 2070 They will evaluate the situation and guide you through the process and you may be able to obtain a free emergency injunction.

So glad he’s gone OP. I hope you change the locks. You will sleep much better.

Hi guys thanks for the links my mom turned up here a couple of hours ago and we talked things through she has now agreed with my desicion which I am grateful we have gone over both options and how he will drag me through court if I keep the baby and financially I can't afford another child so talking to her has helped.
I did another test I was somehow hoping it would go negative but it's darker so still defo pregnant.
Daisy can I ask which route you decided medical or surgical ? I think I just can't think of anything else right now he has left me alone for now which Is better for me as I can't let him back in my mind to manipulate my thoughts.
I haven't tried WA since as my mom came she's just left she said she will take the kids for me when the time comes so I can have a day alone to go through the process.
I know he's going to come back though for his dog that he paid for and to make us all upset aswell. Thanks for posting to me and helping me through this. I'm going to call WA again later when it's quiet.

In regard to securing home how can I sort collection of his stuff I just don't want any contact with him

BPAS are sorting my termination but the wait is longer then I thought they said I can possibly use a clinic further away to be seen faster nut they will let me know at phone consultation

Take his stuff, bag it up and take it to your brothers'. Your brother can contact him and let him know it's there.

I'm really pleased you've got your mum for support. That's great news.

Just read the whole thread Tink and you are doing so well at such an incredibly difficult time. You are definitely doing the right thing regarding terminating. Imagine being tied to him for the rest of your life through his child. It is very good that your 3 children are not his.

And yes, so pleased your mum has stepped up and is supporting you.

Your doing really well tink, just imagine your life in a years time you will feel so different.
I had a medical termination a few years ago for varying reasons, it really wasn't as bad as I expected. I feel that you would really benefit from some of the free counseling they offer afterwards. I never took it up, but did regret not having the opportunity to talk it through with someone who wouldn't judge me.

Thank you so much means a lot just trying to do one hour at a time look after the kids and things.

I kept calling the helpline at 1am in the morning because I was so distressed but nobody answered I'm going to try them again tonight talking to someone who understands the abuse and tactics help me it's hard to describe if you have not been there I feel conditioned like right now I'm free I'm doing what I want I can text my friends go on Facebook etc but it's weird feels abnormal that I'm able to do what I want without someone watching me.

What helpline? The Birmingham Women's Aid is only open during office hours. There is one which has a 24hr number: 08006783283 Gilgal in Birmingham. The National Abuse Helpline is 24hrs as well

There is also the Birmingham Council DV number: 0121 303 0368 or 0121 303 0369

National domestic abuse helpline I kept calling and calling but no one picked I guess they are understaffed and busy so can't be helped I will try again tonight and if no joy try the numbers you have give to me thank you

If you can't get through to anyone there is always the Samaritans. They are non judgemental and free and you can chat all night: 116 123 There is a 24hr Crisis Centre in Birmingham: 0121 507 0707

24hr helplines
Gilgal 0800 678 3283
Black Country Womens Aid 0121 552 6448

You could try Womens Aid, I think you leave a voice message and someone rings you back. 0121 553 0090

I'm glad your Mum has supported you now, maybe she didn't realise the extent of the abuse.

If you are listed as the owner of the Dog with the microchip company, you are the owner, unless your ex has any paperwork with his name on it as the owner/buyer of the dog, I think you can keep the dog.

Just checking in this evening - you are doing so well to stay strong and hold the line for your children.

I felt the same level of fear and panic a couple of weeks after I left my exH. It does get better, I promise.

Keep going. Sending you love across the internet.

Well done. I left a controlling ex 4 years ago now and my life is unrecognisable. Me and DC are so happy and I have a lovely, stable and supportive partner. It was hard at first but the sense of liberation and relief is amazing, even when you’re skint!