I'm being emotionally abused not sure how to deal with this

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I've being watching eastenders the girl on there Chantelle is living my life on the tv. I am questioned when I wear makeup or dress up I'm questioned when I use my phone. Basically my whole life is controlled by my partner to some level.
I'm allowed to see family and go on certain nights out. I went on a work night out recently and was hounded all night and when I got up in the Morning.
I get blamed for everything that goes wrong. I am half a person walking around like a ghost. It's been this way a good few years now I watched the programme and it's very much like that dynamic he's in the better job and everyone around me thinks he's a nice guy expect a couple of friends and one family member everyone else thinks he's ace.
I don't hug him anymore or want to sleep with him I love him in my own way but he's ground me down so so much I've got no love left or emotions. When he's nice I don't trust it because I know the nastiness is a couple of days away.
I've got what I would say is clinical depression now like ptsd because I've lost all who I am as a person.
I'm holding down a job and looking after the kids that's about it.
He comes to bed with me he wakes up with me in the mornings I try to get up first so I have ten minutes alone time but if he catches me on my phone all hell breaks lose so I hide in the toilet.
Financially I will struggle massively without him sometimes it's ok but I never feel normal I always feel on edge and upset but I don't cry anymore now.
We don't go anywhere really and I'm an adventurer by heart he never wants to do anything like go on holidays I always book them but he makes them a living hell from start to finish I'm not going on holiday this year because I can't take the stress of him arguing on me.
The kids aren't his Met him when my little one was a baby and they don't see their real father anymore he has no interest.
He doesn't really interact with the kids much he does the basics if I'm at work and he's not in looking after them but he's not a dad or friend to them really he isn't interested he's only interested in me.
He wants my attention at all times he even cries saying I don't hug him or kiss him well he killed that when he suffocates me.
I feel dead inside I want to get out but have nowhere to go my oldest is a teenager I worry about up rooting him the most.
I can't breath I'm suffocated every day of my life.
I'm only able to write this now because he's giving me silent treatment because I was on my phone when he woke up but he's being giving me silent treatment for two days and I've done nothing wrong. I need help I feel like life is not worth living anymore

I will try and speak to work about it it's really hard to discuss and tell people.

If it's your house then when he's at work pack his things up leave them outside, change the locks and tell him you'll phone the police if he starts anything. Block him on everything. Ring WA as soon as you can.

I know. It must be sooo hard. I think talking about it takes some of the power out of it though. If your boss is usually a reasonable sort of person, I'd try to tell them. Work could be a safe space for you and you could find it a great source of support.

You're very high risk. High Risk means that you are in danger of serious harm or death. He could easily have killed you by placing his hands around your neck.

I have looked up the West Midlands and there are a few organisations you can email if you can't call and they can communicate with you via email or text or instant chat perhaps.

You could tel him that you have a doctor's appointment after work and use that time to contact various places.

I don't know where you are but email one of the following asap:

BIRMINGHAM AND SOLIHULL WOMEN'S AID
Phone Public 0808 800 0028 Helpline - refuge referrals and access to community-based services: Mon-Fri 9.15am - 5.15pm
Phone Public 0121 685 8687 Head office - all other enquiries: Mon-Fri 9am-5pm
Website Public www.bswaid.org
Email Public [email protected]

BLACK COUNTRY WOMEN’S AID (FORMERLY SANDWELL WOMEN'S AID)
0121 552 6448 Helpline: 24hr

CHADD Outreach
Phone Public 01384 864232 Outreach
Email Public [email protected]
Website Public www.chadd.org.uk

Coventry Haven
Phone Public 02476 444077 All services: Mon-Fri 9am-4.30pm
Email Public [email protected]

GILGAL BIRMINGHAM
Phone Public 0121 7731431 Refuge - 24 hours
Phone Public 08006783283 Refuge/Helpline - 24 hours
Email Public [email protected]
Website Public gilgalbham.org.uk

There are a load more if you put West Midlands into the Women's Aid search directory I posted earlier. Email them for advice and support OP.

Have a plan of action in your head OP for next week. I think all of us who have escaped abusive relationships have had that ‘I can’t believe this is my life’ feeling, we’re so ground down by it all and our heads are a mess, these abusers take everything from us and we have to rebuild piece by piece, but it truly can be done and thankfully we now live in a time where this is taken seriously, in the bad old days the attitude of authorities was ‘it’s just a domestic’ and so many women led unbelievably horrific lives as there was no help. Do you have trusted friends/GP/family, I know you said family live a long way away but could you confide in them on the phone/email ? You need to use every resource available to you, however unlikely, it’s like building up an army of protection, talk to any and everyone you can, you may be surprised where help and understanding comes from, it’s often in unexpected places. I am in the south but if I was anywhere near West Mids I would be on your case to get the ball rolling towards the better life that you deserve and the one that is waiting for you, just take some first steps and things will start to fall into place, honestly

Clear your browsing history OP.

Do you own or rent your house? If it’s rent is is private or local authority? Only asking to see how feasible moving will be for you.

Thankyou so much for the helpful links as I can't really check on my phone Incase he sees it. I rent the house had the same landlord for years he's really nice. I've had one day off today it's been nice he thinks he's punishing me but I enjoy it. He will be down soon though at dinnertime so I have to go. Thankyou

I finally ended it after many many times. 6 years it took.

Sometimes I took a beating, more insidiously, it was more subtle jealousy of me working or having friends. I had to include him in all phonecalls with friends. It was sulking dressed up as 'I'll leave you to it' whenever I had a friend around. There was sexual abuse also (things like wanking in the bed beside me, wanking behind me when he thought I was asleep and worse that I don't wish to post).

Police were involved from the first assault but bizarrely, they came out, and as I had no bruises showing, they left. I then went to the police station the next day with a swollen lip, 2 black eyes, a cut jaw, bruises all over me where he had thrown me around like a rag doll etc. I went back again and again and again and a-fucking-gain. I had nothing or nobody. I was so emotionally and financially dependent on him, I NEEDED him and was willing to pay the price.

Eventually, we had split temporarily, I went home to family, built up my strength and he came back addicted to cocaine. I finally closed the door on him just over 2 years ago. I had to cut my cloth to meet my measure, which meant being impoverished. But I kept my rent and bills paid, and spent fuck all else. I then got back to work (he didn't like me working - read that as him sometimes beating me up over it). I had some counselling and bizarrely he was the least of my issues that came up.

There were lonely lonely nights, trips to A&E alone and scared as I was quite unwell for a while, and a few wobbles. But I just finally found the inner strength to say enough is enough - I'm strong and I don't need this utter sap in my life. You really have to call in favours almost from friends you might have lost touch with and with family who don't really care anymore. You need to find new outlets (I got massively into the gym).

It can be done, I would say 6 weeks later I was completely over him. The 'love' had died 6 years previously with the first beating.

Heya. Just wanted to say that you’re doing brilliantly. It sounds like a situation that could escalate if you try to make him leave. It’s happened in the past and his family are nearby. You need a watertight exit plan so I’m glad you’re phoning women’s aid. In the meantime, is there any way you can secretly pack an emergency bag in case you need to suddenly leave. With ID, money, documents, clothes, some kids toys etc. Obvs totally secret so he doesn’t know you’ve got one. Maybe leave it at work if appropriate. It sounds like you need to make your plan to leave without him having the tiniest hint of what’s going on. And then one day just be gone. I agree to phoning police if you’re in danger but you also need to think about what next. Your local DV agency will be able to make a plan with you and talk through the practicalities. Maybe a refuge in the area where your family live? I know it feels totally overwhelming at the moment but it is possible to be free. And just imagine all the things you have to gain. No walking on eggshells. Go out when you want, friends with who you want, peace and quiet in the house, fun christmas. All of it! Good luck.

I have just looked at houses to rent where my mom lives and not to much money cheaper then where I am in the city. So I might see if I can rent there my mom is due some inheritance soon I think she will help me if I ask her too but that's not till around March time. I don't think I can last until March I've been thinking after Christmas since November so this month by my next payday at the end of the month I will do something I need to decide whether to get him removed or leave myself and I can't make that desicion just on my own with nobody to help. I'm going to ring WA

This is heartbreaking to read. You can and will be free again.

1st Contact Women's Aid - www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/ they will help you make a plan to leave they have a chat now option or you can email them (set up a new random email), or you can ring them - 0121 553 0090 this is your local West Midlands branch.

2nd Clear your browsing history as soon as you have finished chatting to them.

3rd Please speak to your family and let them know what is happening. I know it’s hard but you have nothing to be ashamed of, he should be ashamed, not you. They will help you.

If you feel in any danger do not hesitate to ring 999, the police know about coercive control and they will understand.

When you have a moment you could try reading this book www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf It’s free to download and should help you understand why he does the things he does.

If yor home is rented, just leave, WA can help with a refuge or maybe you could go to your family.

Best of luck.

WA will help you with the financial and practical side of things. They can also refer you to charitable organisations who offer free counselling - that's what I got. The big thing is the emotional support and financial support you get from him. You need to call in the emotional support from family and friends instead. The financial hit, I just took on the chin. Nobody was in a position to help me financially, so I literally paid bills/rent and did little else for a while. I eventually got used to my new income and managed to save tiny amounts. I then got back to work and thrived. The freedom is unbelievable when you get over the initial fear of being alone.

I am so sorry to read your post OP, big hugs to you and well done for taking this first difficult step. What you are going through is abuse - unquestionably - and the law recognises that. If you have any evidence of his behaviour (texts eg) keep them. When you are away from him (maybe at work?), call women’s aid, refuge or a similar organisation and get practical advice on the safest way to get him out of your house and ensure he stays out. They advise women on this stuff every day and will know what you should do. They will also be able to advise you about money and benefits but honestly, don’t even worry about that now. Just focus on getting him away from you and your kids. You deserve to be free of this xxx

You have to move out asap OP, not wait till March. Perhaps move into your mum's place until March? Maybe consider a shared house until March, but you can't stay there with him until March. As a last resort a refuge but you have to get out.

You're getting there OP. You're making plans, you're moving on in your head. You will get there.

The fantastic things are that you are renting and that the children aren't his. That makes everything so much easier.

Is your dad around? Would your mum let you stay with her for a couple of months?

The thing I found was that I felt that I couldn't survive without him - how could I? He absolutely loved it when I was ill, or down or needed him. Then he was like the kindest man on the planet - he knew I was building my emotional reliance on him.

He was NOT so supportive when I was doing well. That's when I'd get the beatings.

Take the financial hit. Depend on someone who actually does care about you for a while. I thought I'd never get out. I thought I'd never be the life and soul of the party again. I had developed depression and was a complete shell of the wild and happy person I used to be. I never left the house, I didn't even shower for days. Never put on makeup, never called friends as he would sulk if he wasn't included and made the centre of attention.

It's so subtle that you don't even notice it happening, but they break you down, day by day.

The freedom is unbelievable. You're paying a price. I can tell you the price you're paying is more than all the money and emotional support in the world. You're being slowly destroyed - piece by piece.

Honestly - it's so good when you're free. You can discover and BE yourself again.

@Shedidnt he likes it when I'm ill or upset or if I fall out with family he's really 'supportive' at those times but if I do anything good I am punished for it at some stage. When he met me I always did my hair and makeup everyday but he hates it now says I'm vain doing my makeup and hair. Then he complained I was to skinny now he said I've put weight on I'm a size 10.
He was watching me eat a sandwich the other day and told me I need to stop eating or I will be fat it was the first thing I ate all day. Just controlling as anything then he said my chewing annoyed him and kept telling me to shut up when I was eating as I'm so loud it's disgusting. So now I'm so paranoid I eat in another room then he laughs saying it was only a joke and to stop being stupid.
When I write it down it sounds so awful I forget these little things. My brother bumped into this girl I went to school with and she asked how I was and she said I always remember she was always laughing and smiling and he told me what she said and I don't even remember because I don't smile or laugh anymore. Sometimes at work when I'm having a better day I have a Laugh there and I even think wow when did I last laugh it's been ages and that's not normal is it not to laugh for days on end. It's sad really

OP you are totally downplaying the damage this is doing to the children.
Their Christmas was ruined! Your oldest tells you that you could do better etc etc.
They ARE being harmed by this.

Believe me, you having use food banks and being short of cash is nothing compared to this. You'd rather this continue for the rest of your life like this, rather than you struggle for money? They don't take children off you for being broke. But your children will voluntarily distance themselves from you as adults if you don't show them that you have to fight to live your best and happiest life.

Leave.
You will not regret it.
And Phone. The. Police.

' I tried to tell my doctor but he never gave me enough time to tell him I had been crying before I went in there last week. '

Please go back and see a different doctor. Treatment will help you deal with all you are going through and feel more able to make changes.

I'm glad you've seen that places near your mum are cheaper than you thought. Of course, the ideal is that he leaves.

One way or another, I'm sure you can do it! You know life doesn't have to be this way, and you can imagine what it could be like- peaceful and relaxing etc. Go for it (with any help available such as WA, your mum, friends etc) and best wishes xxx

The things he is saying about your eating loudly and telling you that you are too thin/fat is to keep you off balance and chip away at your self-esteem and to make you more reliant on him, none of what he is saying is true. Please make a plan to escape this abuse as soon as you possibly can.

There is some NHS therapy you can self refer to in your area. Here is a link

www.iaptportal.co.uk/ServiceUser/SelfReferralForm.aspx?sd=03b04bcd-2d08-442b-ac66-af2609eb44fc

OP, please speak to your boss at work. You will need their help (time off, time to get stuff ready). Speak to WA, speak to you family. You have spoken here and you have done so well to make the first step- keep going OP - We're all here with you xx

Thankyou I did try the link it didn't work for some reason. I am going to take steps to doing something in the next couple of weeks look out for me posting again. Thankyou everyone who has taken time out to reply to me today I am most grateful

Hi OP
Firstly don’t be ashamed, don’t be embarrassed. Don’t carry that, my advice would be first step call wa and speak to them. Speak to the family and friends who have seen through him you mentioned there were a few. Call the police and have him removed and change the locks letting the landlord know. Then move to near your mums.
Your children will understand and they deserve to not only be in a better environment but to see their mum happy.
Good luck

You can do this and survive alone. I did. Nobody needs to know the ins and outs of your relationship apart from family and close friends.
Just make sure that he doesn't know what you're planning, so that you're safe until you leave.

I would personally love if you left tonight, but I know reality.
Leave as soon as you can. You can leave. And you can be the person you were again. You'll smile and laugh and be free - be that to chat with colleagues/friends, or even to date.

It can actually be done.