Dating thread 179 - am I doing it right?

[Chochito]

Looked for the new thread but couldn't find it...

Re those with mixed messages from irons. I can only tell you from experience that nothing good usually comes of it. Particularly if you havent even met yet. it should not be this hard. The longer you waste on them the more energy you're taking away from finding someone that's direct, into you, not messing about. My twopence

@leavebeforethelightscomeon yep, just explain that..and meet asap.

@bangheadhere40 I'm not sure it's selfish - but maybe too caught up in their own lives/issues to see outside their little bubble (or maybe that is selfish)?

I think in the case of Miss Confusing, she does seem to suffer from depression and admits to panicking when she gets stressed. Deep down I think she still likes me, hence why I'm putting myself through this ordeal.

I think my gut feeling is usually right - I've got back with a few exes before after breakups, and have also known when it has been truly over. This just doesn't feel like the end of the road.

Interestingly, I was reading about attachment types, and I think she fits the avoidant type, and I have some aspects of insecure. The article I read suggested that in a lot of cases, avoidants and insecure types end up with each other, as the insecure types are the only ones who persist enough to get the avoidant types to open up.

And fuck it I'm going to ask when mr spanners wants to see me again 😂

Echoelephant - with mr FO especially from everything you've said he just seems like a complete headfucker to me.

@cat mr straight also has huge issues and seems depressed. I do get the feeling he likes me too.

I read that too and I am insecure and he is definitely avoidant.

Insecures and avoidant do end up together frequently but everything I've read says it is not usually a good partnership.

@cat can't go into it on here but Mr straight is not in the right place for a relationship and is depressed I think, and has no headspace to deal with anything at the moment. I don't think he is deliberately selfish either.

I tend to have a good gut instinct too, and he does need a little encouragement and tends to avoid things.

So hard!

Mr Smile is definitely secure attachment. I seem to be attracted to the avoidants, you probably right @calli, not always a good match.

@bangheadhere40 it is hard, very hard. It's been making me anxious and depressed myself and my manager at work today pulled me into a room for a chat as he's noticed I'm not myself. My head says walk away, my heart says stick it out. I guess at some point one will realise the other is right.

My previous ex was much more of a secure type, and that didn't work out either so I really don't know what the answer is

In the meantime, I'm taking things very slowly with her, and also seeing what happens dating others. There's definitely a case of "I won't find anyone better" with her, so hopefully if I can get myself on some dates I'll realise that isn't actually the case and I can look at things a bit more clearly.

Is there a good test on relationship types?

@cat exactly the same here, it's making me anxious and is a toss up between head and heart.

I think I need to pursue slightly still but also date others, which will hopefully take my mind off him and realise better out there for me. It shouldn't be this hard.

@weeping I would like to read too, but not sure if a good article.

@NoMoreWeepingAndWanking you can Google attachment style quizzes. Most are pretty good. But you can also usually work it out for yourself.

yourpersonality.net/attachment/

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/nov/05/the-attachment-secret-are-you-a-secure-avoidant-or-anxious-partner

The Wikipedia article on attachment style is also a good place to start

Oh god Mr Spanners is torturing me 😂 no car park snog, we are talking about meeting on Monday and he is just being so respectful, no hinting about sex at all (I want him to!) I thought he only wanted casual!

@@leavebeforethelightscomeon, that's good news, he must like you!

@LeaveBeforeTheLightsComeOn casual can mean many things 🤷🏼‍♀️

@LeaveBeforeTheLightsComeOn I think that's good. You know he'll respect your boundaries. I had to be very direct about wanting sex... But that's good because it avoids misunderstanding.

Ok give me some help! We are talking about going to the pub again on Monday night, this was his last reply, after I said I'm quite happy with pub:

Dont worry im the same , i literally have no idea what else your meant to do other than the pub x

How can I reply being flirty but not really dirty? 😂

I just took that quiz @UncorrectedDoormat

Haha

I am lurking about guys but nothing good is going on. Anxiety is bad

I think I'm avoidant with leanings/desires to be secure. A bad last relationship taught me to be avoidant, though, and I don't think that's my true nature.

@LeaveBeforeTheLightsComeOn - he literally has no other ideas of what.you can do together besides go to.the pub? Aw little lamb. Is he new at OLD? 😂😂

@Menora sorry to hear it. We're here if you need to talk.