Dating thread 179 - am I doing it right?

[Chochito]

Looked for the new thread but couldn't find it...

@bangheadhere40 In the early days I probably saw Mr R one night in the week and one weekend night. But they were often decided at the start of the week when we exchanged messages about our week so he did miss me for a couple of weekends when I had already made other plans. We're both relaxed (although at the start I was insecure if we hadn't made plans) and so fairly last minute with many dates but we both also suggest events / places to go to so there's a mix of planning and spontaneity I'm happy with.

@shit, how many dates have you had? I don't know what to do, as my mind is saying wait, but my body isn't :-)

@bangheadhere40 @shitwithsugaron I don't think you can have fixed rules about DTD. Some people would be happy doing it on date #1. Some people wait months. If you and your iron both want to, then do it.

I probably could have waited longer, but after 8 weeks I wanted to even though I was super nervous. Many irons probably wouldn't have waited that long and would have given up...

Also, it kind of depends on if you're thinking FWB or LTR, I think. You can wait longer if you're hoping for a LTR, but you might as well test out the benefits for a FWB before you invest too much time

There’s so many factors only you can gauge but it’s got to be what you both want. Mr Gray was start of date 2 🤦‍♀️

I am looking for LTR for sure with him, not FB. Is date 3 too soon? We shared a bed last week but didn't do the deed.

At the time I didn’t know what I was looking for or how it would turn out 🤷🏼‍♀️ I don’t think that had any baring in the timing it just started with snogging and didn’t stop there was no discussion before hand like tonight’s the night 🤷🏼‍♀️. Do you send each other sexually suggestive messages ? You could say you want to do more than cuddle and gauge where he’s at 🤷🏼‍♀️. Obviously the person who wants to wait takes lead

He is definitely suggestive yes, he has said he isn't just looking for sex with me. Last weekend it was me who asked him to get in bed, he offered to sleep in the spare room, so he is being sweet about it I think.

But what they say and what they mean could be 2 different things!

@bangheadhere40 I think you need to stop thinking about saving time to fit him in. Plan your life be busy. If you aren't free when he asks then he has himself to blame. If you are always available at the last minute when he gets in touch then his needs are being met. But yours aren't as you are feeling anxious and worrying about not being free to see him.

On dtd I'm generally a date 3 type but it was a bit longer with Mr B as he snuck in some smaller dates and wanted to wait until I could spend the night and not leave in the early hours...

One piece of advice I would give is to meet their level of interest. Don't always be the one texting and making arrangements. If they like you they will miss you and want to talk to you and arrange to see you. It's not about gender roles or not being assertive. It's being clear of the level of interest. You know how interested you are. You need to establish theirs.

What @notcoolmum said.
RE: DTD. I tend to shag people on their mums living room floors within a few hours of speaking....so that's where my line is.

In seriousness - If it's LTR then date 2/3? If they're into you and not in a 'complicated situation' they will stay despite when you have sex. If they're not - no amount of waiting will make a difference, although I guess the pure shaggers wouldn't wait around long.

@supercali :-) like the floor bit!!!!!

yeah I guess.....it might weed him out if he is a pure shagger anyway!

@bangheadhere40 Mr Ad lives an hour away. We both have kids although his are older and don't live with him but his commitments are around AA and are just as important so we manage a night in the week and EOW. More would be nice but just not possible right now.

We speak all the time though so it doesn't seem so bad and I like my own space too (have got a bit too used to it over the past couple of years).

Re DTD, it was date 3 for us. Date number 2 was an all day date in London and number 3 was going out with some of his friends and me staying over (as he is an hour away). He offered to sleep downstairs bless him but I told him that was not what I wanted .
Earliest has been date 2 but they didn't work out (I don't think DTD had anything to do with that though!)

Thanks everyone! I am finding Mr Smile always texts me first which is good....I guess everything is good and I am overthinking as usual :-) Will see if he mentions the next date at the weekend and go from there!

Mr Smile is talking about future plans for sure, and things we can do, without actually making arrangments

@bangheadhere40 just make sure you out your own life first and don't always be free if he is always last minute. iME I've known when we are exclusive and when we are ready to dtd (not always the same thing) by our actions. And don't forget to have fun.

My boyfriend is coming over tonight. So funny to say that!! We need a better word for those of us in our 40s and beyond!!

@Notcoolmum Yeah...I find 'boyfriend' a bit odd at 41! I don't like 'partner' either because that is much more to me than a boyfriend.

My lover

@sunshine lover is even worse I think, there is no word is there...partner is too much, boyfriend is a thing teenagers have! :-)

What can they be called!

how about a 'suitor'

Someone previously suggested "gentleman caller" 😂

I'm actually fine with boyfriend. Not that I have one...

@supercali77 😂

re DTD at least 3 months here, well that was the earliest, 4 months with MrNN.

Doesn’t matter if it’s one day or weeks, as long as you’re both wanting it.

banghead I get the feeling you may be getting a little ahead of yourself asking about regular free nights of the week on your second date. At such an early stage surely you have to make your needs known but then see where things go? As for DTD, I’ve never waited longer than the second date with anyone I fancy, including XH, but it again is something that happens naturally or not at all - and I guess that can be many dates in, depending on the individuals, or within nanoseconds of meeting!

(Sorry if I’ve misunderstood - rushing at work)

@tigerdater - thanks, yes I agree a little bit, maybe I won't ask him that, I will play it by ear !