Dating thread 179 - am I doing it right?

[Chochito]

Looked for the new thread but couldn't find it...

No that’s not normal orange - in my experience anyway. There may be a glitch?

Please can I have some red flag help?

I've known Mr C for 3 weeks, we've met around 10 times or more - on 3 of those days we met twice in a day. I honestly feel like I've met my soul mate. Last night I think he was on the verge of saying he loved me but stopped himself and turned it into a joke.

I'm absolutely terrified of making a horrendously bad decision, as I have done in the past. I don't feel like I'm lovebombed as there hasn't been any talk of the future and it's entirely mutual. It's been lighthearted fun and we laugh constantly. But I don't know how on earth it can possibly be a good thing that it's moving so fast and we're seeing so much of each other. I want to hear all your subtle red flags - not the glaringly obvious ones but the early ones that are easy to miss. I desperately need a reality check.

Tell us something you are worried about. Any specific examples?

I haven't found a single red flag so far but I'm worried I'm missing them through lust eyes! I've done the freedom programme and am hyper aware but all common sense deserts me as soon as I'm with him

Ok I have an example. He comes to see me after 8pm (kids bedtime) and last night he said that one day he'd like to be involved in both pre-8pm and post-8pm life. I looked at him in horror, I'm so protective of my kids and he doesn't have kids so he has no clue. I said something like that's a way off yet and changed subject. He was fine with that but why so quick!!!

@Peanutbuttermouth I'd just say regardless of how much you like him and how much you're seeing of him, leave your kids out of it for a good while. It's sounds as though you are anyway but there is plenty of time for that and you can't know enough about him in 3 weeks to get your kids involved.

If he likes you, he will wait and do things according to your timeline.

Just as a disclaimer he has never set foot in my house. I get my kids to sleep, I bring the baby monitor out to my camper in my driveway and we spend evenings out there 😂

@Peanutbuttermouth I'm a bit further on from you and MrM said he wouldn't ever pressure me to enter the kids lives until I deemed it appropriate. He said he knew his place and that the kids would always come first. I'm not sure it's a red flag but you should be able to tell him it's too soon and he should understand and not pressure you

@Peanutbuttermouth do you think it's just the speed of things that's alarming you? It does sound pretty intense- that doesn't mean that there are red flags to be found though.

I guess if it feels right and you're enjoying it there is no problem with it- his comment about being involved pre-8pm is just his naivety I would say, not having DC himself. I know it was being discussed the other day on the thread- it's not a situation I've been in yet but agree very much with waiting a long time before introducing people to DC.

Don't be hard on yourself for your past decisions- but going forward perhaps so you feel comfortable you need a slower pace- slower than it has been so far. Then you can get to know him better and not be worrying about rushing things too much.

@Peanutbuttermouth the only thing I would say if he sees you so much what else of a life does he have ? Time with his own friends, family, gym , hobbies etc. I know as single mums we don’t do much but I’d maybe expect a single man with no kids to be doing things 🤷🏼‍♀️. That’s it really maybe he is the one

I would say just slow down and see how he reacts.

@jane1978xx He's definitely doing things. He was with family at Christmas and friends at new years, he talks about his friends a lot and he has told some of them about me, he has a sister and nephew who he sees, he plays sport, but he's also made himself available at pretty much every other opportunity. We've spent lunch breaks together, met up before my night shift, once he came to my doorstep for a 10 minute snog on his way to work!
@leavebeforethelightscomeon I think it is the speed and intensity of my feelings, I'm so enjoying it but so terrified at the same time. How on earth can you possibly know?! My world fell apart when I realised that I didn't know my husband of 8 years so I think it's made me lose faith in my judgment and I've become quite cynical.

@peanutbuttermouth that’s ok
Then 🤷🏼‍♀️ I can’t think of anything else.

@Peanutbuttermouth it sounds like you are both really keen which is lovely! Unless there are genuine red flags, then there's no problem with it.

It does sound like you'd be more comfortable if it was scaled back a little bit though. And if he reacts well to this- then that's another indication he's a keeper.

Enjoy it- but at a pace that makes you feel ok. And I know just what you mean about feeling terrified and questioning your judgement. I'm definitely more cynical these days but I think it's a good thing.

Funnily enough I've also found OLD to have been incredibly useful after splitting with an abusive ex. It's taught me so much about what is good behaviour vs shitty behaviour- it's made me more on my guard for red flags and better able to spot them. Taught me to be cautious and basically not to trust people 😂 I'm inarticulate after a couple of ciders but I know what I mean? Hopefully you do too 😂

It's taught me so much about what is good behaviour vs shitty behaviour- it's made me more on my guard for red flags and better able to spot them. Taught me to be cautious and basically not to trust people

Me too!!!

Me too! Freedom programme plus OLD was a game changer.

I'd have said that OLD had been a generally crap experience, although nothing that bad has happened luckily. FWB was a good experience, just wish it had ended up differently.

But what I'm taking as a positive so far is the things I've learned- and it never occurred to me that it could actually teach me anything 😂 life lessons through tinder, who'd have thought it.

This thread is fantastic too. It's nice to share the experiences on here, have a laugh, support when needed.

I went into OLD treating it as an experiment, which was the right mindset for me. I learned a lot about myself and what I want and need from not just romantic relationships but any relationship. It's been good.

So fd up what you said about the swinger's site not for me but I can well believe it so fd up if another man wants you you have value if you're single then you're not valued ! @TheCatWithTheHat you're right it is so hard to meet someone new when you're still hung up on someone else and especially online as the profile pics online just can't compete with someone you still fancy irl I'm not sure what to suggest you do to solve this problem but I just wanted to let you know I've been there too. Mr Yorkshireman hadn't done one he messaged me this morning and he would like to meet me irl I'm too exhausted to message him back tonight but I will in the morning. I must have an anxious attachment relationship style as everytime he leaves it a day or two to message me back I just assume he's done one and is gone for good

@shitwithsugaron go with it! Take care but enjoy it, don't deny yourself

Life's too short, just enjoy the moment for now.

@Peanutbuttermouth I agree just slow it right down to a pace you feel comfortable with someone who is genuine will respect your needs and be happy to take the relationship forward at the pace you set, someone who isn't won't, that's how you tell the difference as to whether you're being loved or whether you're being used

@shitwithsugaron perhaps how things ended with Mr B made you see you deserve better and recognise that in this new iron. Hope it all goes well for you!