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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help! Cancelled wedding

142 replies

GinTea · 03/01/2020 16:05

I've been with my partner since university and we're now in our 30's. He is funny, affectionate and he is my best friend. We are due to be getting married this summer but I don't know if I can go through with it.

He has been financially dependent on me since the beginning of the relationship. I pay all rent, bills etc. He has long stretches of unemployment. I am paying for the wedding and trying to pay off debts he has racked up over the years (he needs money, I take out a loan, he promises to pay me back, but never does). I know I've enabled him to continue treating me like this. I have started to really resent him which overrides my love for him. Our friends and family confirming their flights and hotels for the wedding fills me with dread and guilt because I really don't think I can go through with this and continue as I am for the rest of my life.

I've not really confided in anyone that I'm not happy. He has really bad social anxiety which leads him to over drink so we don't go out much. And when I have plans he always seems to be 'ill' so I cut my evening short or cancel altogether. I feel really lonely and don't know how to tell him I want to break up. He can be aggressive when he's angry (a terrible family trait) and I hate conflict so whenever either of us have raised any issues the anger just silently builds. We used to say 'we never argue' but actually we've just held on to all this resentment. I don't think he's happy either, but he would never say it.

How do I say it? How do I tell him? How do I tell anyone? Especially when those that are left in my life are already so invested in this wedding.

Apologies if I have double posted - I lost the first one!

OP posts:
2020BetterBeBetter · 03/01/2020 16:08

I’m sorry. This sounds really difficult for you. Flowers

I would break up with him and notify everyone the wedding is cancelled. Trust me, you will feel a huge relief and you won’t end up in an unhappy marriage you want to escape from.

Perid0t · 03/01/2020 16:09

I agree with above. Cancel the wedding, end your relationship. Everyone will understand.

LochJessMonster · 03/01/2020 16:10

The sooner you call off the wedding, the better. It will give people time to make other plans, cancel A/L.

If it was only a small group going, you could broach the idea that you could go as a holiday instead?

Fwiw, he sounds awful and you would not be making a mistake getting out of that relationship.

Canadianpancake · 03/01/2020 16:10

However hard it will be to tell him and everyone else, it sounds like you already know you need to. You don't sound happy at all, and as hard as it will be, it's better to do it sooner rather than later, for both if you. People losing money on flights and accommodation is unfortunate, but it's a flash in the pan compared to the financial situation you will most likely end up in if you stay with this man. You are not responsible for him despite your history together, and you are quite rightly not happy with the way he treats you or your life with him. The right thing to do is often not the easiest thing to do.

MaybeeMaybeeNot · 03/01/2020 16:11

What a tough situation to be in but I think you are brave and sensible doing this now.

I would say firstly tell him you do not wish to get married this summer.
Then cancel everything you can with a hope of minimising your outgoings. It would be good if a friend could help, but your venue/photographer etc will need to hear from you in person/writing.

Notify guests so they can change their arrangements with the minimum of drama. A friend or family member can do this.

Tell you ex he needs to find somewhere else to live and give him a deadline.

Sadly I suspect you will be landed with his debts. Does he have any assets?
Start your new life.

MrsBobDylan · 03/01/2020 16:31

If you were my friend and I had booked flights for your wedding which I couldn't cancel, I would be delighted that you had cancelled the wedding (and hopefully left the relationship).

He sounds utterly awful - controlling, aggressive and a user. I think after you leave him you will fully realise just how awful he is.

MrsBobDylan · 03/01/2020 16:32

Just to add, I feel sure your family and friend's realise he is awful and are all hoping you break up.

12345kbm · 03/01/2020 16:41

Don't go through with it, sounds like a lifetime of misery and well done for pulling back.

Speak to Debtline about the debts: 0808 808 4000

ohwheniknow · 03/01/2020 16:43

Cancel cancel cancel.

stilleatingturkey · 03/01/2020 16:44

Second what everyone else is saying. You need to cancel. If you have wobbles just remember that marriage is supposed to be for life. Think how awful you're going to feel if you go ahead with it. Your friends and family want you to be happy. They will understand and even if they don't support you remember that it is YOUR life and you're the one who will be stuck with him . Good luck x

Lunde · 03/01/2020 16:45

Cancel the wedding and make plans to leave.

My dd lived in a very very similar situation for 5 years and it never got any better. She is a different and much happier person since they broke up.

Wallywobbles · 03/01/2020 16:47

Please take a big breath and say sorry this stops today. Message everyone immediately and live you life without this awful weight.

On a side note. How does he think this is ok?

LetMeLayAmongTheStars · 03/01/2020 16:49

I think letting family thing everything is ok til the last minute would be a worse idea as in they may be spending even more on outfits, gifts etc

Apolloanddaphne · 03/01/2020 16:52

You need to cancel right now. It is never too late but the more notice you can give your guests the better. You will lose money but that fades into insignificance in relation to a life time of being tied to someone who is not able to treat you with there respect your deserve and allow you to live the life you want to. Be brave and do it.

tribpot · 03/01/2020 16:53

I cannot for the life of me imagine why you would want to marry him. I suppose on the plus side, he won't be able to bleed you dry financially any more than he already does.

His drinking (social anxiety my arse) is controlling your life. He is controlling your life. Through his 'illness', his aggression and his relentless overspending. Please don't let him take any more from you.

No-one is going to say you have to marry him because they've already bought the flights. But the sooner you can call it off the better.

Who is going to be your witness/maid of honour? I would suggest you tell her (or him) and get the ball rolling that way. Please make 2020 the year you remember as the 'near miss', not the car crash. This relationship is already bleeding the life out of you.

TheReef · 03/01/2020 16:54

Your first loss is your best loss, do it now. The more time you leave it the worse it will get. Plus he'll never get any better.

ElloBrian · 03/01/2020 16:56

Your friends and family will already know he is appalling and will be delighted to hear you are calling it off, trust me.

StealthMama · 03/01/2020 16:56

Is there someone you can confide in that can help you make a plan? If you know he gets angry and conflict is difficult then you might want somewhere to stay for a few nights etc. Think about practical things you can do to organise the situation. You don't want to tell him then be stuck in the house etc whilst he processes.

From your post you know this is the right thing to do, and you will feel relieved once it's done. It will be a mistake to carry on and both your families will understand and support you.

SummerWhisper · 03/01/2020 16:59

He is living the life he wants at your expense. He knows that marrying you will make him far more financially secure with some entitlement to your assets that he assumes (based on your acceptance to constantly bail him out) will be joint.

He's financially abusing you, he's controlling you and you are paying him to do it. When you tell him it's over, the first thing he'll try to do is get money out of you. He is not your responsibility. Your better life starts the minute you sever all ties with this abusive waster.

I speak from experience, sadly. Hugs and Flowers and keep strong x

Equanimitas · 03/01/2020 17:05

It's never going to be easy, but you need to sit down with him and tell him that you want to split up. Irrespective of what he says and how many promises he makes, take immediate steps to cancel the wedding and inform the guests. And for goodness sake, be prepared to stand your ground: I can't see any basis on which the current situation can be turned around.

There isn't any easy way of doing this, but you will ultimately feel much better for it.

OneDay10 · 03/01/2020 17:12

You are doing the right thing and saving yourself a divorce and children to the wrong person.
He drinks too much
He depends on you financially
Long stretches of unemployment- sounds unambitious
Aggressive
etc etc
It will be difficult, but I'm sure no one would rather you be unhappy and go through with it.

Chamomileteaplease · 03/01/2020 17:15

Use this thread to remain strong.

He sounds utterly awful and I am sure it will be an amazing feeling when you get away from him.

What is your housing situation? And get you leave him with his own debts?

Apileofballyhoo · 03/01/2020 17:18

Cancel wedding, break up. The reason that the idea of a lifetime of this fills you with dread is because it's utterly dreadful to live like this. He won't change.

1forAll74 · 03/01/2020 17:18

Yes to cancelling your wedding, with all these thoughts of yours,and all the implications that you mention. But surely you must talk to your partner about everything thus. If he has anxiety and all other problems, he may well be relieved about your decisions.

Then where you go from there, only you and he will know this.

katy1213 · 03/01/2020 17:21

He is neither use nor ornament. Get out now. This relationship has only lasted so long through inertia. Lazy, violent, manipulative, debt-ridden ... if you go through with this wedding, you are making the deliberate choice that this is all you deserve in life. It's worth a few cancellation fees to cut yourself loose.

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