Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help! Cancelled wedding

142 replies

GinTea · 03/01/2020 16:05

I've been with my partner since university and we're now in our 30's. He is funny, affectionate and he is my best friend. We are due to be getting married this summer but I don't know if I can go through with it.

He has been financially dependent on me since the beginning of the relationship. I pay all rent, bills etc. He has long stretches of unemployment. I am paying for the wedding and trying to pay off debts he has racked up over the years (he needs money, I take out a loan, he promises to pay me back, but never does). I know I've enabled him to continue treating me like this. I have started to really resent him which overrides my love for him. Our friends and family confirming their flights and hotels for the wedding fills me with dread and guilt because I really don't think I can go through with this and continue as I am for the rest of my life.

I've not really confided in anyone that I'm not happy. He has really bad social anxiety which leads him to over drink so we don't go out much. And when I have plans he always seems to be 'ill' so I cut my evening short or cancel altogether. I feel really lonely and don't know how to tell him I want to break up. He can be aggressive when he's angry (a terrible family trait) and I hate conflict so whenever either of us have raised any issues the anger just silently builds. We used to say 'we never argue' but actually we've just held on to all this resentment. I don't think he's happy either, but he would never say it.

How do I say it? How do I tell him? How do I tell anyone? Especially when those that are left in my life are already so invested in this wedding.

Apologies if I have double posted - I lost the first one!

OP posts:
iswhois · 03/01/2020 20:30

The sooner is the better. How far away is the wedding? A divorce will cost you a lot more.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 03/01/2020 20:33

It might help to remember that your current relationship isn't healthy for him either. You both sound utterly miserable and marriage would only make it worse.

BumbleBeee69 · 03/01/2020 20:48

good on you OP.. don't pay anything more for him either... Flowers

Bananalanacake · 03/01/2020 21:15

Is he working at the moment. Does he really expect you to pay for everything. Cheeky fucking bastard.

strawberry2017 · 03/01/2020 21:17

If you were my friend or family member I'd just be so relieved you were getting out of a shitty situation that I wouldn't care about the cost of the flight.
You get yourself out of this and go and live your best life! The one you were meant to have not with this deadbeat.

Junie70 · 03/01/2020 21:33

You already know you need to put a stop to it.

It's having the courage to say the words out loud.

But you can do it .

Flowers
runlift · 03/01/2020 22:37

Irresponsible with money
Can't hold down a job
Limits you socially
Drinks irresponsibility at times
Aggressive

Etc etc.
Any one or these would be a good reason to not marry. I know multiple people who have married partners with just one or two of these traits. Invariably it makes their lives much harder and they usually regret their decision.

Look around at people you know with good relationships -supportive, caring, motivated, providing partners. That is what you deserve and will make your live much easier and happier.

Weenurse · 03/01/2020 22:45

Good luck 💐

tribpot · 04/01/2020 07:15

I should point out that he isn't an alcoholic. He drinks in social situations only but doesn't have an off button so we avoid those situations all together now.
The semantics don't really matter. He's a problem drinker. If you were the one with the drink problem that meant your partner couldn't socialise with friends, wouldn't you do something about it? He has the option not to drink and he chooses not to exercise that.

Luckystar777 · 04/01/2020 07:49

Erm, he's being abusive, it's covert though. I would definitely cancel.

Just think how you'll feel stuck with him, how crap that would be.

Saying he's aggressive as a 'family trait' , sorry but that's nonsense, my mother and other family members are aggressive and yet I'm not. There's no excuse for that.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 04/01/2020 09:10

Suggestions for actually ending it I guess depend on who owns / rents the house and who wants to move out (I'm guessing he wouldn't be able to afford it by himself).

You could write him a letter if he wont listen. If you are worried about him not listening or arguing you could take a friend with you if you want to do it face to face. If you are chucking him out and he hasn't got anywhere else to stay, I would consider getting him a b and b or cheap premier inn for a week (I know mumsnet won't agree with this) so you dont feel like you're making him homeless

Also you need to not be drawn into any arguments with him so rather than concentrating on his behaviour, I'd say sorry I dont love you any more. If you say 'I am sick of you not having a job' for example he will argue he was just figuring out what he wants to do, will keep his job etc etc and will change for a bit and then it will go back again (so many stories on here saying they gave their partner an ultimatum and he changed for a bit then reverted back). Concentrate on how you feel (I dont feel like I can continue this relationship, I'm not happy)

Good luck

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 04/01/2020 10:03

Glad to read you're taking some steps OP. Saying it out loud will help - is there anyone you can tell over the weekend? A good friend or close family member? You might find that they are relieved you've seen the light which could spur you on a bit more?

MzHz · 04/01/2020 10:04

the horrible stuff I mention is only 50% of him

For this to change to 95% and eventually 100% will only take you saying the words “I do.”

You’re life will be ruined if you marry him.

Cancel the wedding now, today, lose the 20%, and then tell your closest friend to help you tell everyone else.

The stbx isn’t important at this stage, this is getting a job done. You can end it with him once the wheels are in motion for cancellation.

Otherwise the abusive weasel will try and talk you out of it. You need to be more resolute and done deal about this before you tell him

MzHz · 04/01/2020 10:05

Your life. not you’re life

Excuse iPhone...

Oh
And a hug for you, you’re going to be very brave but omg you won’t regret it

Thunderclearstheair · 04/01/2020 10:09

Just press the stop button and let it unfold.

Honest to god this man will never change (Take it from some one with experience) it will only get worse as he will be linked legally to you financially and it will be so hard so get out of then.

Just rip the plaster off

SandyY2K · 04/01/2020 10:15

Good lord. Why have you put up with this for so long. He's nothing but a parasite tbh.

I couldn't respect or feel attraction for a man like him.

Equanimitas · 04/01/2020 10:19

the horrible stuff I mention is only 50% of him which is what makes this so hard

But other men manage to function without being horrible 50% of the time, or even 1% of the time. You don't have to keep compromising in the hope that today will be the day when he's in the non-horrible 50%.

Gutterton · 04/01/2020 15:08

How have you got on today?
Have you told anyone in RL?

Do you think that you will just lose the 20% deposits now? What does your contracts say?

Wallywobbles · 04/01/2020 18:50

20% loss now vs a life time of paying a wasters debts is a fucking bargain.

toddlermom · 04/01/2020 19:07

I did this and one of the best things I've ever done. I was so relieved and free afterwards!! I still count it as one of the best things I've ever done. It was hard to do but honestly don't delay. The sooner you do it the sooner you will get over it. I wested at least a year putting it off but luckily still did it a year before wedding so hardly anyone had booked. Do dM if you want to chat through it! Good luck! 🌷🌷

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 04/01/2020 19:11

Have you actually canceled the wedding?

Get that out of the way first - then ring up the contractors - they will have heard it all before. Don't let the sunk cost fallacy get you down.

fishonabicycle · 04/01/2020 20:19

God! Only deposit paid - cancel right now. Well worth it.

IdaBWells · 04/01/2020 20:26

I haven't read all your thread but a marriage is supposed to be of equals, never marry for pity or to rescue anyone. You are just as entitled to support of all kinds as your partner. After you cancel the wedding I would encourage you to go into counseling to discover why you haven't chosen a partner who is your equal, but someone dependent, who you have an unhealthy co-dependence with. You sound like an amazing woman who is a real achiever, I really hope you can take some time for yourself and when you are ready find someone who is as hard working and pulls their weight in the relationship just as you do. Love is a choice and in actions as much as words.

IdaBWells · 04/01/2020 20:48

Just read the entire thread. So glad to read you are talking to a third party counselor on Monday. All the stress and pain of ending it now will be nothing to the misery you would endure if you knowingly enter into a bad marriage. You do have control over your own life and decisions. You do have the perfect right to expect to have a partner who works and carries the same weight of responsibility as you. This guy has avoided becoming a mature adult and already doesn't have your back, leaving you to carry the full responsibility of your lives together. This would be the kind of parent he would be, expecting you to carry the most essential, stressful and un-fun parts of life while he would cream off whatever he chose to participate in. This is not a full relationship. We all deserve so much better than this. Listen to yourself and your gut. You absolutely know to proceed would probably be the biggest mistake of your life. He will most likely kick off and use every kind of charm offensive to persuade you to keep going. So be prepared. You might want to spend the next week quietly canceling the material aspects and talking to others in confidence so that you have already taken action on your decision before you speak to him. Just so you know you have a lot of support going forward.

I have been married 23 years. Two of our kids have had a cancer and now I am recovering from cancer (crazy I know!) but my husband has been incredible through it all. Your partner doesn't want to deal with any of lifes challenges, even the most straightforward responsibility of a job or career. That means he is actually not ready for marriage. NOONE should be getting married without a job or career. That is really the first step. I know matchmakers and they would refuse to work with him as they would tell him his life shows clearly he is not ready for marriage and they would refuse to represent him. The whole point of using a matchmaker is to screen out people like him! Start 2020 single and start a new life looking for your equal in a relationship.

lesleyw1953 · 04/01/2020 21:41

Please don't be alone when you tell him - or when you meet him to sort stuff.

Swipe left for the next trending thread