Help! Cancelled wedding

[GinTea]

I've been with my partner since university and we're now in our 30's. He is funny, affectionate and he is my best friend. We are due to be getting married this summer but I don't know if I can go through with it.

He has been financially dependent on me since the beginning of the relationship. I pay all rent, bills etc. He has long stretches of unemployment. I am paying for the wedding and trying to pay off debts he has racked up over the years (he needs money, I take out a loan, he promises to pay me back, but never does). I know I've enabled him to continue treating me like this. I have started to really resent him which overrides my love for him. Our friends and family confirming their flights and hotels for the wedding fills me with dread and guilt because I really don't think I can go through with this and continue as I am for the rest of my life.

I've not really confided in anyone that I'm not happy. He has really bad social anxiety which leads him to over drink so we don't go out much. And when I have plans he always seems to be 'ill' so I cut my evening short or cancel altogether. I feel really lonely and don't know how to tell him I want to break up. He can be aggressive when he's angry (a terrible family trait) and I hate conflict so whenever either of us have raised any issues the anger just silently builds. We used to say 'we never argue' but actually we've just held on to all this resentment. I don't think he's happy either, but he would never say it.

How do I say it? How do I tell him? How do I tell anyone? Especially when those that are left in my life are already so invested in this wedding.

Apologies if I have double posted - I lost the first one!

Oh, good lord, you poor thing - this is no way to live.

You whole ,life has been closed down by his anxiety and neediness and dependency. Actually, given the aggression, I suspect he is using his anxiety to control you, and prevent you going out. You feel lonely: isolation from friends is a classic sign of emotional abuse.

And he is using your money.

You are still young, you cannot contract yourself into this life for life!

Put a stop to it now - I bet you will get a lot of positive feedback. Talk to a couple of friends and relatives who you think will most understand and ask them to help you.

Just do it and do not look back. Enter into no 'ifs and buts'. No promises to improve. Listen to no wheedling or threats. You do not have to justify this to anyone.

MN will support you.

End it now.

OMG there is even worse stuff on your other thread. He is isolating you as well.

Honestly - give me the wedding venue details, a list of your friends and I will do it for you....

A close friend of mine cancelled her destination wedding after we'd all bought non refundable flights. Not one person I know was anything other than relieved! Like you, she was dreading the wedding and knew it wasn't what she wanted, but felt she was too far down the line to cancel. She wasn't.

Three years later she's in a new job, new home, new relationship, and so much happier.

OK: practical stuff and how to end it.

What is your living situation? rented, mortgaged, in whose name? Is he working at present? Does he have parents he can go to?

A good friend of mine cancelled her wedding with about 6 weeks to go. Nobody batted an eyelid. She's now happily married to someone else who really loves her.

He’s a loser. Do not marry him, you’ll regret it.

You sound sure of your decision its just the logistics that scare you (understandably so).

You don’t need to discuss anything with him - you only have to inform him of your choice. I’d have a plan in place - if you are the only one organising everything, cancel stuff now.

Prepare a group email to everyone that you’ve invited explaining that unfortunately the wedding is cancelled, you appreciate everyone’s effort in wanting to join you on your wedding, please accept apologies but that It is not happening. If you want to, ask people to please respect your need for some space and time and not phone you directly, but send emails/WhatsApp etc. Don’t press send until you’ve spoken to your partner though.

Then sit down with partner and inform him of your choice. Personally if he was fiery I would have a hotel room booked/close friend who I have confided in ready and aware of what is going on. Have a plan for moving out/him moving out that you can enact quickly.

Good luck and you are making the right choice - its shit and hard, but better now than when you are married and resent the very bones of him.

Can you end it and immediately go and stay with family (having packed everything you need in advance, been careful to pack your paperwork, passport, birth certificate, etc)?

Is there any friend or family member you could have on hand, in case he turns aggressive?

You need an ally, and somewhere to go.

Choose the person that you have the closest relationship with and call them now - don’t think too much about what you will say , just pick up the phone and do it .

Do not waste your life with this leech. You only get one!

What’s your living arrangement? Are you renting? Who’s on the Leece?

Can you rope in a few friends for support or keep the flights and have a bloody good holiday minus the wedding? Maybe change hotels if that helps?

Do not do it.
Just because he is 'nice' half the time. Even the most violent abusers are 'nice' to the outside world and half the time.

You must want more for yourself than this. Imagine a life with an equal partner. Or even on your own not weighed down by him.

Cancel, nobody will mind.

I cancelled my own wedding plans 3 months out for similar reasons to you. Nobody cared except they were pleased i finally "saw it". (He married someone else right after and is a stay at home cocklodger dad now and has been for years, i still feel so glad i dodged the bullet)

At least ypu will be leaving before children are brought into it, imagine having to also pay for kids as well as him

How much have you paid for the wedding?
How much debt is left?
Whose name is the rental in? Do you think you’ll have problems getting him to leave?

I agree with previous posters, cancel the wedding and break up with him now before it all gets even more complicated.

For what it's worth, a good friend of mine had similar feelings to you after having booked and paid for her wedding. She'd bought her dress, we were planning her hen night etc. I was her maid of honour. One night out of the blue she rang me in tears saying she couldn't go through with it.
Do you know who was bothered? Absolutely no One. We all cared about her and wanted her to be happy. Her mum (a vicar, and who had been booked to do the ceremony) even said how relieved she was as she didn't think he was the right man for her.

I think your friends and family may have a similar reaction if you do cancel your wedding. It takes a lot of courage to change your mind on such a big decision but my friend has a new life and is very happy now. It was worth it for her.

Cancel. The idea of telling everyone will be worse than the reality. Yes, it will be difficult and money will be wasted, but that's nothing compared to the relief you will feel when it's done. You have your whole life ahead of you, don't waste any of it on a marriage you don't want.

please please cancel and get rid of this abusive waste of space. Why on earth would anyone want to marry him? hes not a partner hes a millstone round your neck. Yuk. Run run run and do NOT look back ...

Well done for admitting to yourself you can’t marry a man, who gives you so little pleasure. The most likely response from those, who love you will be relief.

I think the idea of calling the person you’re closest to and letting them know is a good plan. If you need any help drafting an email to your guests, mumsnetters can help you with this.

Have you thought about how you’re going to play it with your fiancée? You say he can be aggressive. Are you concerned he will get violent or nasty? Do you need a plan to tackle this and keep yourself safe?

Don't feel guilty. It sounds like you have been a very supportive partner and he hasn't reciprocated. You cannot commit (happily) to someone like that.

The sooner the better for you and your guests xxxx

I would break up with him and notify everyone the wedding is cancelled. Trust me, you will feel a huge relief and you won’t end up in an unhappy marriage you want to escape from.

Do it now, before anyone (especially you) has racked up any more expense. Your true friends and family will probably be greatly relieved. Then untangle yourself from as many of his debts as you can and move on. It will take time, and be painful, but you're still young. You can do it.

You need to cancel.

Pick one friend or family member who you know is capable, undramatic and loyal. Tell them. Ask them to help you be spreading the word, and start cancelling arrangements. Once you start, it becomes a countervailing inevitability to the wedding inevitability.

You just need to start by telling one real person.

the horrible stuff I mention is only 50% of him

A relationship that is 50% horrible isn't worth it, is it?

Please cancel OP. You are young and have many years ahead. Don't waste any more on this loser.