Help! Cancelled wedding

[GinTea]

I've been with my partner since university and we're now in our 30's. He is funny, affectionate and he is my best friend. We are due to be getting married this summer but I don't know if I can go through with it.

He has been financially dependent on me since the beginning of the relationship. I pay all rent, bills etc. He has long stretches of unemployment. I am paying for the wedding and trying to pay off debts he has racked up over the years (he needs money, I take out a loan, he promises to pay me back, but never does). I know I've enabled him to continue treating me like this. I have started to really resent him which overrides my love for him. Our friends and family confirming their flights and hotels for the wedding fills me with dread and guilt because I really don't think I can go through with this and continue as I am for the rest of my life.

I've not really confided in anyone that I'm not happy. He has really bad social anxiety which leads him to over drink so we don't go out much. And when I have plans he always seems to be 'ill' so I cut my evening short or cancel altogether. I feel really lonely and don't know how to tell him I want to break up. He can be aggressive when he's angry (a terrible family trait) and I hate conflict so whenever either of us have raised any issues the anger just silently builds. We used to say 'we never argue' but actually we've just held on to all this resentment. I don't think he's happy either, but he would never say it.

How do I say it? How do I tell him? How do I tell anyone? Especially when those that are left in my life are already so invested in this wedding.

Apologies if I have double posted - I lost the first one!

New Year
New You !
Perfect time to cancel the wedding

Your friends and family will support you onwards to your new future

Why the hell doesn’t he work?
OP get out now and if anyone judges you they aren’t real friends/ maybe tell them what a bum he is

And as @tribpot says, social anxiety my arse!

Cancel it first. See if you can get any money back but if not just write it off knowing at least that you won't be wasting any more money. Then tell him and your family. You've put up with him for long enough. It doesn't look likely that he will change his ways so you are on a road to nowhere with him. Forget about other people's reactions to the break up. You are the only one that matters to you. You need to think about your future and what you want. He can look after himself. Who knows, it might be the making of him as this way he will have to get off his arse and sort his life out.

I know it seems huge, but a broken engagement isn't a big deal.

Especially not to an unemployed drunk.

Echoing the advice given... get out now while you can. He sounds like a controlling, abusive prick. Why would you want to be shackled to him for the rest of your life?

Be strong and kick him into touch (and out!). 💪

Better to cancel now than go through with it. If the wedding is planned for summer it still gives suppliers and guests the opportunity to change plans.

I assume he doesn’t have access to your accounts/assets, before you tell him to do one?! Might want to check he can’t milk you for more!

Hey girl, listen. One my my favourite people in the world had a similar situation to you, but none of us knew. She had a baby with the fiancé, and she cancelled the wedding a WEEK before it happened.

People had flights booked from Australia!

And you know what everyone said about her? How much we admired her, how it must have taken so much strength to do what was right for herself in the face of expectation from others.

I personally was married to someone who “worked” in a similar pattern to your DP and 12 years later I was divorced with 36k of debt all in my name.

New start, new life. I’m rooting for you.

Who needs to marry a leech?!

He racks up debts, then he should pay them off. If he's been taking loans out in your name then he is financially abusive.

Please please cancel. You really don't want to be tied to this man until you are 100% sure it's right.

The fact that he has lived off you so many years, tells me that he is never going to financially be your equal. Do you really want to carry him for the rest of your life?

If he sorts himself out later on you can always marry then.... but l suspect that you will realise quite how he is pulling you down

If you were in my family we'd all rather lose money and help you out rather than you go ahead with a wedding that you're not sure about.

I would never marry a long term unemployed person. He’s no incentive to work if you’re paying for everything. You deserve better.

Oh wow. Sounds like a good thing that you have come to this realisation before you marry.

It won't be easy. You could write a letter for him to digest first, then talk to him?

There's plenty of time for people to get refunds on flights etc, but you can't get married with so many reservations just because people have booked flights.

Good luck, op.

If you feel bad about cancelling the wedding please don't - I made a terrible mistake going through with mine when I knew it was a bad idea and 3 years on, the divorce is still causing me a constant headache and nowhere near resolved. If I'd walked away then, there would have been the upset at the time but it would have been long forgotten by now. If things are no good, you just delay the inevitable by sticking around.

Controlling
Angry
Resentful
And a cocklodger. You're making the right decision!

Cancel

Seriously no one will be surprised

Your other post is here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3785278-Cancelling-a-wedding-HELP

I cancelled my first wedding. Best thing I've ever done though it seemed huge and impossible at the time

I’m struggling to find anything about him that would make you think it would be a good idea to marry him. Just call the wedding off and make a happier life for yourself.

Can I just add please cancel the wedding and notify your family then get some backup and tell him. If you start with him he will try to manipulate you. Cancel the wedding tell your close family leave him a note and go stay somewhere else for a couple of days. Harsh on him but it will be better for you.

Thank you all. Sorry. I should point out that he isn't an alcoholic. He drinks in social situations only but doesn't have an off button so we avoid those situations all together now. I know that this is the right thing to do, but the horrible stuff I mention is only 50% of him which is what makes this so hard. And I have a lot of guilt for even posting this! But thank you for you support x

Your closest friends and family will already know that:

He is a loser.
He is an alcoholic.
He hardly works.
He is often unemployed.
He is leeching off you.
He is anti social.
He is aggressive.
He is racked up debt.
He has saddled you with debt.
He is not paying for the wedding.
He doesn’t pay his way in life.
He is emotionally manipulative.
He is a cock lodger.
He is financially abusive.
He has eroded your spirit.

And they will be delighted and proud of you for seeing the light. If you have any FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) around this carrying through this decision then understand that you will actually be doing him a favour by not enabling his drinking, antisocial, lazy, abusive, financially controlling behaviour as he will have to wake up and get on with being a functioning adult.

If they don’t know all of the list - tell them - sunlight is the best disinfectant.

Make a list of the things you need to do and then just press the button and crack through the list.

Congratulations - in a few days / weeks time you will be so proud of yourself.

What do you have to do to get him out of the house - or are you planning to leave?

Will he “kick-off”? Have you friends who can keep you safe?

How on earth is dud a great friend?

I went through with it despite having doubts. It was a silly thing to do. Got divorced a couple of years later. Fortunately I had enough sense not to bring children into it so it was simple enough but I wish I had listened to the doubts.

Call your mum. Start by telling her. Or your closest friend.

Please din’t go ahead with the wedding. You already know it’s a mistake which is great, some people push through and then it gets more difficult to extract yourself.