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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help! Cancelled wedding

142 replies

GinTea · 03/01/2020 16:05

I've been with my partner since university and we're now in our 30's. He is funny, affectionate and he is my best friend. We are due to be getting married this summer but I don't know if I can go through with it.

He has been financially dependent on me since the beginning of the relationship. I pay all rent, bills etc. He has long stretches of unemployment. I am paying for the wedding and trying to pay off debts he has racked up over the years (he needs money, I take out a loan, he promises to pay me back, but never does). I know I've enabled him to continue treating me like this. I have started to really resent him which overrides my love for him. Our friends and family confirming their flights and hotels for the wedding fills me with dread and guilt because I really don't think I can go through with this and continue as I am for the rest of my life.

I've not really confided in anyone that I'm not happy. He has really bad social anxiety which leads him to over drink so we don't go out much. And when I have plans he always seems to be 'ill' so I cut my evening short or cancel altogether. I feel really lonely and don't know how to tell him I want to break up. He can be aggressive when he's angry (a terrible family trait) and I hate conflict so whenever either of us have raised any issues the anger just silently builds. We used to say 'we never argue' but actually we've just held on to all this resentment. I don't think he's happy either, but he would never say it.

How do I say it? How do I tell him? How do I tell anyone? Especially when those that are left in my life are already so invested in this wedding.

Apologies if I have double posted - I lost the first one!

OP posts:
ineedaholiday11 · 03/01/2020 19:19

Please doing just go along with marrying him because it feels easier than cancelling. My sister did this and it was a disaster. She eventually divorced having wasted another 8 years of her life all the time being very unhappy.

By contrast my desk friend cancelled and her wedding weeks before and still says now years later that It was one of the best things she ever did.

Do what is best for you. It will be hard at times, but keep focused on you and your end goal. Good luck!

carly2803 · 03/01/2020 19:21

cancel now. this is no life!

chuck him out. thank god you have no kids involved

R2519 · 03/01/2020 19:22

At the very least postpone the wedding and tell him you can’t marry him until he proves he is able to pay his way and provide an equal share, pay his own debts and contribute towards the wedding. It’s not all about money and how much each of you earn but he certainly needs to be providing something financially and at the very least have a job!

fishonabicycle · 03/01/2020 19:25

Please cancel your wedding and leave this man. It may seem like a huge hurdle and it will upset everyone, but it will be so much wors if you go through with it.

R2519 · 03/01/2020 19:26

Just to add.....DO NOT MARRY HIM. if you do you will be tied financially. By postponing the wedding, if you still want to be with him, you can give a final ultimatum to get his shit together or it’s over but don’t set a wedding date.

Queenoftheashes · 03/01/2020 19:27

Cancel! This will be less stress than a divorce and a kid!

BumbleBeee69 · 03/01/2020 19:27

Please OP... cancel now.. and quietly inform everyone.. no need for drama.. just end it... Flowers

Alexandra80 · 03/01/2020 19:29

Cancel it. My friend went through with it already knowing she would likely end it bec2of the cost and faff. She hoped maybe there was a chance of redemption after marriage.

Much harder to go through a seperdation/divorce after just getting married. Do what's best for you both in this situation and end it now rather than later Flowers

MyNewBearTotoro · 03/01/2020 19:31

Do you have anyone in real life you could confide in? A close friend or family member? I would tell somebody how you’re feeling and what you’re going to do before you tell your partner so that you have somebody ready to support you.

Then all you can do is be honest and tell your partner you can’t go through with the wedding. It will be hard and no doubt he and others will be upset initially but it’s much better to do this now than several more months or even years down the line.

Good luck Flowers

Elieza · 03/01/2020 19:32

Cancel or postpone.

Don’t live your life enabling this lazy individual.
You only have one life.
If you marry him he will be entitled to half of all your assets if you subsequently split up (which I’d suggest you will). You don’t deserve that OP.

Sooner a better than later. Make sure you are safe.

Youngatheart76 · 03/01/2020 19:32

Dont get pushed by all the man haters on here. Does he have Good qualities like attractive, good with kids etc?
Why is he unemployed? Are their reasons like health problems that he couldn't help?

Danni12 · 03/01/2020 19:35

Cancel the wedding and end the relationship. This is your life and you need to make yourself a priority

DICarter1 · 03/01/2020 19:37

Cancel!

What he has done to get himself help with any of his issues?

The more you say the worse it sounds. Better to leave now and start again without trying to untangle yourself when married with a possible child.

Twisique · 03/01/2020 19:38

If you got ill do you feel like he would look after you, get a job and pay your rent and care for you, or do you think you always have to be the strong one?

MrsBertBibby · 03/01/2020 19:39

all the man haters
Oh do grow up! I'm a divorce lawyer, and I have so many female clients in their 50s bemoaning the destruction of their pension by leeches like this.

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 03/01/2020 19:43

I bet that there will be many in your family and friends who will breathe a sigh of relief at the cancellation - I wouldn't cry over air fares etc if it meant someone ducked a crappy marriage.

Yarboosucks · 03/01/2020 19:48

I called off a wedding - my friends and family were overjoyed. Seems they were supporting me in my choices but really didn't want to celebrate my marriage to a man that they neither liked nor trusted.

Best decision of my life!

SummerWhisper · 03/01/2020 19:54

Just to reiterate the great advice on here: cancel the wedding first. He won't find out yet.

Then talk to your closest confidante, all the while getting your ducks in a row this weekend, specifically financial.

Then tell him.

Then tell guests.

Lolacat1234 · 03/01/2020 19:59

Don't do it - my best friend felt exactly the same as you (her ex didn't have any of the negative traits you mention but she just knew she was not "in love" with him the way she should have been) but they were getting married abroad too and lots of friends had paid money etc on flights. They split up 4 months later and she got divorced. There really is only one way this will end if you go ahead, in divorce.

Glitterandunicorns · 03/01/2020 20:00

I knew someone who was in a similar situation to you a couple of years ago. She went through with the marriage and immediately regretted it.

I think it takes a tremendous amount of courage to recognise and vocalise when something isn't working for you. Trust me when I say that your friends and family will agree with this and support your decision.

I totally get that it is easier said than done, but please don't go through with something you'll regret.

For what it's worth, without taking into account any of the rest of what you've said, just the fact that he can be aggressive should be enough for you to cancel the wedding.

Take care, OP. Thanks

AlwaysCheddar · 03/01/2020 20:02

As everyone above - call off the wedding and break up with him. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life feeling like this.... or worse.

Original poster
GinTea · 03/01/2020 20:12

Wow. Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. I typed and sent it as a way of letting it out not really expecting any responses. I think I've know for a while what I need to do, it's just finding the strength to do it. And writing this is part the way there.

And to those who have asked, he definitely wouldn't be violent or physical. In terms of the wedding, all of the deposits have been paid (20%), but the full balance is still outstanding. But at this point I don't really care about my financial loss in this.

I have stumbled across a 3rd party counselling service that my employer offers. I've booked myself a telephone appointment on Monday. Saying it aloud to someone impartial will help move things forward.

Thank you again x

OP posts:
GoldfishRampage · 03/01/2020 20:17

Do you want to have kids one day?

BackOnceAgainWithATinselHalo · 03/01/2020 20:20

I agree with above. Good men are not that rare and honestly I’d rather been single than endure what you are - forever!

I think you’re so inured to it you can’t see how bad it is!

franke · 03/01/2020 20:25

GinTea you sound full of resolve - just keep going and don't allow any doubts to creep in. So many people here are rooting for you GinBrew

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