Help! Cancelled wedding

[GinTea]

I've been with my partner since university and we're now in our 30's. He is funny, affectionate and he is my best friend. We are due to be getting married this summer but I don't know if I can go through with it.

He has been financially dependent on me since the beginning of the relationship. I pay all rent, bills etc. He has long stretches of unemployment. I am paying for the wedding and trying to pay off debts he has racked up over the years (he needs money, I take out a loan, he promises to pay me back, but never does). I know I've enabled him to continue treating me like this. I have started to really resent him which overrides my love for him. Our friends and family confirming their flights and hotels for the wedding fills me with dread and guilt because I really don't think I can go through with this and continue as I am for the rest of my life.

I've not really confided in anyone that I'm not happy. He has really bad social anxiety which leads him to over drink so we don't go out much. And when I have plans he always seems to be 'ill' so I cut my evening short or cancel altogether. I feel really lonely and don't know how to tell him I want to break up. He can be aggressive when he's angry (a terrible family trait) and I hate conflict so whenever either of us have raised any issues the anger just silently builds. We used to say 'we never argue' but actually we've just held on to all this resentment. I don't think he's happy either, but he would never say it.

How do I say it? How do I tell him? How do I tell anyone? Especially when those that are left in my life are already so invested in this wedding.

Apologies if I have double posted - I lost the first one!

he is funny , affectionate and my best friend

You could say that about a dog, with the added advantage that it won't drink, won't leech all your money off you, won't rack up debt, won't manipulate you with "social anxiety" and will get you out in the real world where you will meet nice people, and maybe even a kind man who deserves your love.

I wish I’d done this OP. I had doubts and went through with it. Months later I left him after he’d battered me senseless. And then I found out about the huge debt he’d got us into.

Not your situation - I appreciate that, but your inner voice is shouting at you and you need to listen. I didn’t. And with hindsight I can’t believe I didn’t realise what was going on to lead up to the violence. Don’t be me.

Read @IdaBWells post. She says it better and her husband has shown what a partnership is about.

All the best OP.
And to you Ida

100% of Mumsnet have said not to marry him.

Please please listen.

Get out now.

I cancelled a wedding to someone who had issues with alcohol, debt and a poor work ethic. He was a shit partner but I lurched towards marrying him.

Not getting married was the best thing I ever did! It freed me and gave me self confidence. I’ve gone on to be very successful in my career and I’m happy with my now DP.

Agree with the collective, affection/funny aside,sorry to say he sounds like a useless bag of skin.

Why doesn't he work?

I assume all the loans taken out to cover his debts are in your name? Even once you break up, you'll have that hanging over you as a reminder.

At the very basic level.... Cancel the wedding if you are having doubts (and these sound more than doubts, more serious issues in the relationship!).

Any friends or family who are worth knowing will understand. With trusted ones who you know won't gossip you can even explain that there are some things in the relationship that you feel need to be resolved before you can get married (no need to go into more detail).

It's likely your partner isn't going to take you cancelling the wedding well.... But make sure you have a firm, fair and reasoned speach for him that explains why you don't feel you can marry him. Also, for your own personal well being, have a bag packed for a few nights in the car so if you feel unsafe or too unhappy to stay after you've had the conversation you can go to friends/family/hotel until he cools down.

If you and he agree - there's relationship counselling, to sort out feelings, behaviours, roles and responsibilities in this relationship.

Get to your bank/financial advisor and get this debt thing all clarified and manageable e.g consolidated for easier payments etc. Then no matter what, no more loans for him! Think of it like this, if you didn't pay one of your loans back at the very least the bank wouldn't loan you more - so why would you loan him money with no hope of getting repaid?

At this moment it's an unequal relationship. Some people are cool with supporting a partner some aren't. However the drinking and aggressive behaviour is not a good sign, that has way too much potential to continue to 'keep you in line' (sorry, it does sound like he has kept you compliant and uncomplaining about his behaviour for some time!) for as long as possible.

As is discovered, marriage is not a magic pill that makes the relationship perfect and make each partner all you had hoped. Marriage is an affirmation of you having found someone who you love and respect and who returns those feelings equally. Doesn't sound you are there right now
.....

This is the result of being a pick me chick. If you find a man on a bike, leave him in a bike. One of the worst things you can do is artificially elevate a male into something that resembles a man when he is actually a child, Propping him up financially and otherwise is just a recipe for disaster. He doesn't want a wife, he wants a mother. Usually they don't get this far, take what you've given and find another woman who gets a slightly improved version. However yours isn't done with you yet. Either you'll get even more resentful of him if you marry him and have a child because you'll be even less tolerant of this man-child or he'll take his 'husband/ someone was willing to
Marry me' status to dupe some other woman into thinking he's catch. Just cut your losses and don't feel guilty

1. I think you need to talk a trusted calm rational member of your family about it all. They may be secretly relieved that you are considering calling off the wedding.

2 Tot up how much money your fiancé has cost you over the years (not paying his share of living costs, loans etc.) and how much you are still obliged to pay off. Then think what you could have spent all that money on such as deposit on a property, a nice car outright or some fantastic holidays.

Then work out the full cost of the wedding and subsequent divorce if you go ahead after all you will be the one working to pay these!

...will your wedding day be the happiest of your life or a shackle to drag you deeper into debt?

Tell your family and see how much they can help you sort the rest.Once you start the ball rolling it will get easier.
Cancel everything else and then tell him so he can't talk you out of it.
Use the money you would have paid on the wedding to pay off the loans in your name.
And be happy in the rest of your life.

How did it go today @GinTea ?

My god, this is the definition of a cocklodger! I'm so happy you're breaking free.

How are you doing OP?

@Gintea
I hope you are ok, have support in real life and have cancelled the wedding.

Oops @GinTea
Sorry - I misspelled your username.

Tell him then tell your parents. Cancel it and take it from there. Good luck.

Well done for finding the strength to realise this relationship is toxic. Now you need to act on that revelation
Talk to someone you can trust, family member, bridesmaid and get a plan what you need to do
Cancel this wedding and recoup as much of the cost as you can, don’t feel guilty about finding the strength to get out of this toxic situation
Get help to look at your finances and limit the effect this man is having on your credit
Find out how much he owes you
He needs to leave your home & your life
Don’t be caught up by his empty promises

None of this is easy but a life saddled with him in marriage would be a million times worse