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Original poster

Huge argument... I don't know if I was being unreasonable.

131 replies

NamechangeoutedbyMIL · 31/12/2019 12:52

I'll start off by saying that I recently went back on hormonal contraception and it's made me incredibly grumpy... I just don't feel myself.

Anyway, last night, DPs friend knocked in the door and delivered a parry invite. DP was in the bath so I went to the door, thanked friend for the invite etc.

When I got inside, opened the invite and saw it was just addressed to DP and not me. There was a cutesy note alongside basically saying to keep costs down, there were no plus ones.

This immediately pissed me off. We invited this friend, his plus one and his parents to our engagement party (at DPs request, he spent a lot of time with this friend and his family in his teen years). They all came and ate, drank etc at my expense. I just thought it was incredibly rude to come to the house where I live with an invite to a party that I'm not invited too?

Anyway, DP agreed it was pretty rude but he was going to go anyway because he didn't want to miss his friends party.

Then I remembered that another of his friends has a party shortly after out engagement party that I was invited too, but DP told me he would rather go alone.

So in my anger last night, I said it seemed like I was good enough to pay for everyone to come to our party but not good enough to attend any parties with him.

This then escalated into an argument that after 8 years together, I barely know any of his friends other than to say hello too and at our wedding, there's going to be 70 off people there I barely even know. Again, that I am paying the bulk of.

I don't understand his insistence to keep me and his friends separate?

I asked him and he said that it was bevause he "can relax and be himself" when I'm not there to which I replied saying I found that to be a concerning statement and so who is he when he's with me if he is himself when he's alone with them?

I'm still mad this morning, he slept in the living room last night.

I don't even know what the point of this is, I just need to get it off my chest I think.

OP posts:
joystir59 · 31/12/2019 12:54

I think you are right to be concerned about this. I wonder if he likes to have a drink with his mates and doesn't feel free to get drunk in front of you?

Original poster
NamechangeoutedbyMIL · 31/12/2019 12:59

That's basically what he said, that he feels like he has to worry about me the whole night and can't just do his own thing.

I'm not a stray dog who is a burden to have around.

I make the effort and talk to his friends, danced with them etc when I have seen them.

He will usually spend all night at the bar and I won't see or hear from him until hometime and I have expressed that this does annoy me in the past.

I don't expect him to be glued to my side all night but as his future wife I also don't expect to be ignored the whole night either.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 31/12/2019 13:02

Wow so he can relax and be himself? Why is he with you then and why is he marrying you if he can't be himself with you?
I can understand that sometimes you need time with your own friends, I like going out with my girlfriends shopping or hanging out or whatever but not ALL the time.
When I was married we also had lots of mutual friends. I wonder what else he is doing with his friends, lapdancing clubs, prostitutes.
I'd be reconsidering marrying him, it sounds like it will all end in tears to me.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/12/2019 13:02

Marrying this man is a massive, massive mistake.

bringincrazyback · 31/12/2019 13:03

YANBU. You're his partner, not a spare part he can pick up and put down as he chooses. The friends are CFs to exclude you after you fed and watered them at your engagement party.

Rollonspringtime2020 · 31/12/2019 13:03

I would be questioning if I wanted to be his future dw tbh.

OceanSunFish · 31/12/2019 13:07

YANBU. Obviously it's not his fault if his friend had decided no plus ones, but it was horrid of him to exclude you the time when you were invited, and for him not to have made an effort for you to meet his friends.

This is not you being grumpy OP.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/12/2019 13:09

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

And you want to marry this man because....

You will pay dearly if you do that and not just financially either. Why are you paying for most of this too?. What is his contribution to your relationship here?. Who is he with you then if he acts differently around his friends?. When someone tells you who they really are, it pays dividends to listen.

He is treating you as a spare part here and he is not relationship, let alone marriage material.

Original poster
NamechangeoutedbyMIL · 31/12/2019 13:11

I will say, just for context that other than this issue r.e. His friends, he is a wonderful partner, makes me laugh, thoughtful, kind, pulls his weight etc etc

I absolutely 100% do not think he's going to strip clubs or anything like that.

To be honest, his friends are very immature so I wonder if he reverts to acting like them when he drinks with them.

So which one is the real him? Because I never see him act like that when he's with me. It's like he has two different personalities.

I just don't know what to think. If one of my friends came round to our house with an invite just for me, I would have instantly declined on principle.

He is adament that its not his fault, he can't control who they choose to invite etc

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 31/12/2019 13:11

Why are you paying the bulk money of everything?

thickwoollytights · 31/12/2019 13:13

that he feels like he has to worry about me the whole night and can't just do his own thing.

This is weird on a couple of levels

If it's actually factually correct (for him) and he sees you as needing constant TLC - WHAT????

But if he's using it as an excuse to be laddish and do things you would not want him to do (?? Not sure what) then - WHHHHHAAAATTTT???

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 31/12/2019 13:14

Please don’t marry this man! He is telling you now what you are to him and that is definitely not his soul mate or best friend or person he trusts most or feels happiest with. Whatever you are to him isn’t as important as his friends are.

Original poster
NamechangeoutedbyMIL · 31/12/2019 13:14

Oh right, about six months ago we discussed and mutually agreed that DP would retrain, so he know earns almost a quarter what he did previously so as I am the main earner now I pay for mostly everything.

To be fair, this was discussed at length before he committed to it but it has been a... Difficult transition.

OP posts:
brassbrass · 31/12/2019 13:14

What does marriage look like with someone like this?

7yo7yo · 31/12/2019 13:14

Oh here we go.
He’s a great partner.
He’s really not.

thickwoollytights · 31/12/2019 13:14

He is adament that its not his fault, he can't control who they choose to invite etc

True

But he can choose to put you first and not go

Unless you go with him

Do you think he asks them not to invite you?

Singlenotsingle · 31/12/2019 13:15

No, but they obviously know he'd rather go without you.

WhatToDo122 · 31/12/2019 13:15

Does he know your friends quite well? Is he out with his friends frequently?

I had an ex like this, he basically had only a few friends and really wanted his friend time to be just his friend time without me there. I also wasn't invited to one of their weddings because I'd never met them after years. I didn't really push him either way but I remember it annoying me at times. The relationship didn't last.

Steamfan · 31/12/2019 13:16

I really think you should think again about marrying him. Can you see him ever changing, imagine being left with children, and there have been a few threads this last week where there's happened. Please think long and hard about this

OldEvilOwl · 31/12/2019 13:17

Dont marry him

BIWI · 31/12/2019 13:17

I'm very sorry, but it sounds like you are his meal ticket. He 'behaves' when he's with you, so that he gets what he wants. Don't marry him!

babbi · 31/12/2019 13:17

Please don’t marry this man .. it will be a disaster....
finish it now .. he is not a good partner if he treats you like this ....

ohwheniknow · 31/12/2019 13:18

This won't end well.

Singlenotsingle · 31/12/2019 13:19

Yes, I think it's when the Husband goes out with his mates several times a week and leaves DW at home with the DC that it must really be a problem.

Bluerussian · 31/12/2019 13:20

He's far too immature for you to consider marrying, Namechanged. This isn't an odd night out with his mates which would be reasonable, it's a party. I think it is offensive of your partner's friends to not have invited you and even more so that he has gone along with it. You're supposed to be in a partnership and that entails doing social things together most of the time.

Please rethink your relationship. Nowt to do with you being on the pill, in my opinion.