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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Huge argument... I don't know if I was being unreasonable.

131 replies

NamechangeoutedbyMIL · 31/12/2019 12:52

I'll start off by saying that I recently went back on hormonal contraception and it's made me incredibly grumpy... I just don't feel myself.

Anyway, last night, DPs friend knocked in the door and delivered a parry invite. DP was in the bath so I went to the door, thanked friend for the invite etc.

When I got inside, opened the invite and saw it was just addressed to DP and not me. There was a cutesy note alongside basically saying to keep costs down, there were no plus ones.

This immediately pissed me off. We invited this friend, his plus one and his parents to our engagement party (at DPs request, he spent a lot of time with this friend and his family in his teen years). They all came and ate, drank etc at my expense. I just thought it was incredibly rude to come to the house where I live with an invite to a party that I'm not invited too?

Anyway, DP agreed it was pretty rude but he was going to go anyway because he didn't want to miss his friends party.

Then I remembered that another of his friends has a party shortly after out engagement party that I was invited too, but DP told me he would rather go alone.

So in my anger last night, I said it seemed like I was good enough to pay for everyone to come to our party but not good enough to attend any parties with him.

This then escalated into an argument that after 8 years together, I barely know any of his friends other than to say hello too and at our wedding, there's going to be 70 off people there I barely even know. Again, that I am paying the bulk of.

I don't understand his insistence to keep me and his friends separate?

I asked him and he said that it was bevause he "can relax and be himself" when I'm not there to which I replied saying I found that to be a concerning statement and so who is he when he's with me if he is himself when he's alone with them?

I'm still mad this morning, he slept in the living room last night.

I don't even know what the point of this is, I just need to get it off my chest I think.

OP posts:
RLEOM · 31/12/2019 14:50

I really hope you listen to everyone on here. When you're in love with someone, it's harder to see the faults for what they really are. Take everyone's advice: do not have a future with this man.

GoodDogBellaBoo · 31/12/2019 14:59

Sounds like he is controlling you by making you stay at home, that way he knows where you are and don’t have to ’worry about you’ finding someone better. It’s not going to get better.

GoodDogBellaBoo · 31/12/2019 15:00

Even his friends are obviously having you on!!

saraclara · 31/12/2019 15:06

Do you invite him when you meet up with your female friends?
If his friends don't have partners, would you (and they) be comfortable being there as the only female on a lads night out?

Dacquoise · 31/12/2019 15:08

You can't be a team and compartmentalize part of your life from your partner which is what he is doing with his friends.

You are fully committing to a joint life, he wants part of his to remain single. Are you happy with this going forward? Is he ready to be married?

Your feelings about this are perfectly valid with or without contraception by the way.

Lllot5 · 31/12/2019 15:13

I think after 8 years of being together to leave you out like this is very suspicious. I’d wonder what they got up to when you weren’t there.
You’re the one he is supposed to be himself with surely.

EKGEMS · 31/12/2019 15:46

He isn't the kind partner you are telling us he is and you are in denial my dear

ChristmasFluff · 31/12/2019 17:51

OP, really, really think hard about marrying this man.

I am worried for you.

Lots of very clever psychopaths hide who they are until they are sure they 'have you' (marriage or baby). And then they feel more than free to 'relax and be themselves'. Abusive. Alcoholic. Drug addicted.

You might have all sorts of shocks to come.

The ex-abuser wasn't even a very high-functioning psychopath - I caught him in loads of lies. But he still was making porn films with drugged girls throughout our relationship without me finding out until a year after we finished.

He's keeping you separate from his friends because they know the real him.

MyKingdomForBrie · 31/12/2019 19:31

Sounds to me like he wants to revert to an immature dick when he's with his friends and doesn't want you to see that side of him. I'm torn because relaxing and letting your hair down is important, but then why does he want to do that in a way that you shouldn't see?

My dh is like this on work nights out I think, they act like teenagers doing stupid stuff like rugby tackling each other in the street, arm wrestling, downing pints etc - he tells me all about it but I've never really seen him be like it so I guess he's similar to your dp, only I know all his friends and when it's not a work night out I go along and we have a different kind of night. He's never wanted to exclude me from any parties etc though.

BaolFan · 31/12/2019 20:19

I can relax and be myself - translation: I can act like a total dickhead and say all sorts about you and everyone else without worrying that it will affect your opinion of me if you find out what I'm really like.

Don't marry him. He wants to lead a separate life - fine, off you fuck and do it yourself.

Trying2310 · 31/12/2019 20:29

I had a friend who didn't bring his girlfriend to my engagement party even though she was invited. His reasoning was he wanted to relax with his friends and not have to worry about her all night but this was because they had only been dating a matter of weeks and she didn't know anyone. He didn't want her to feel uncomfortable and also he wanted to be able to chat to lots of others without staying by her side all night. However, the fact you have been together for so long and don't know his friends is worrying. The statement he can be himself is concerning. Who is he with you? I agree with pp marrying this man may be huge mistake.

Morgan12 · 31/12/2019 20:38

What kind of party is it?

Is it all his Male friends and you would be the only female? Like a lads night out but then he brings you? If so I can understand why he doesn't want to and he should just be honest about it.

Also, any chance he and his friends do cocaine?

Stuckandsadintheupsidedown · 31/12/2019 22:00

My ex did this to me, it made me feel worthless. And yep cocaine was the reason I wasn't invited to parties and to meet certain friends (ex knew drugs are deal breaker for me)

Upsidedownpineapplecake · 31/12/2019 22:27

I would be worried about this. But also why is it a written invite? To a party that no partners are invited to? What kind of party is that?

Cherrysoup · 31/12/2019 22:47

Written invitation specifically saying no partners? Very weird! Honest to god, OP, do not marry this guy while he prioritises going to a party without you, you’re meant to be partners.

BuckingFrolics · 31/12/2019 22:55

He has two lives. Simply , you're not i. one of the

Savingforarainyday · 31/12/2019 22:58

Massive red flag....

I've had two partners do this to me. One consistently, the other periodically.

When some men compartmentalise their partners away from their friends, it is often because they want to minimise the relationship - maybe even appear single.

Is this the kind of commitment you want in a relationship?

brassbrass · 31/12/2019 23:02

The written invite is totally weird. I mean in this day of technology why would anyone need to deliver a written invite? The only written invites I get now are for weddings months in advance. Everything else is organised via phone.

Did DP have his phone in the bathroom with him? Could he have messaged friend to arrive when you would answer the door?

MiniCooperLover · 31/12/2019 23:05

Do not do this wedding OP!! Also, was it a party for tonight?

NumbersStation · 31/12/2019 23:05

No baby no.

You deserve better.

Landlubber2019 · 31/12/2019 23:05

Huge red flags...
Proceed with peril...
This man is not a keeper sorry

Mischance · 31/12/2019 23:15

I cannot see a problem in him going out with unattached mates without you. You can be a "team" without having to always socialise together. But - his reasons for wishing to do so are rather odd....that he cannot be himself with you around. And I suppose it rather depends what you mean by a party - usually these events have both sexes there. Very strange.

If he has a gang of immature mates that he is prepared to fall out with you over, maybe he is not ready for marriage.

Maybe what he means is that when he is with these mates he behaves in ways that you would disapprove of. Are you OK with that?

NotStayingIn · 31/12/2019 23:37

Sorry OP I think it would be a massive mistake to marry him.

The real problem is that you didn’t address this years ago. I fear the relationship is poisoned now; it will be so hard to try and turn this round.

At the very least put a pause on the wedding. Flowers

AlaskaSometimes · 01/01/2020 05:07

What the hell? No way. I can’t imagine my partner not WANTING to be with me either at a party or not. We’ve been married 15 years and love to spend time together and would never consider a party on New Years unless we both went.

I’d not marry this guy. I’d not be with someone unless they loved me to the point where I am their first choice. I couldn’t imagine being second to friends.

We have t8me alone with friends but would never chose friends over each other like this.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 01/01/2020 06:02

I don't think him being the only one invited is the issue. If his friends wants to keep costs down and don't really know you that well that's their prerogative and DP would be 'that guy' if he insisted you were invited too.

I would be reconsidering marrying such a selfish man, who after 8 years still won't let you close to his friends. That's a huge red flag.
If you still want to marry him, have you sent out invites already? If not, revisit your guest list.

The one thing you're being unreasonable about, though, is you agreeing to support him through retraining and then using money against him.