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Original poster

Huge argument... I don't know if I was being unreasonable.

131 replies

NamechangeoutedbyMIL · 31/12/2019 12:52

I'll start off by saying that I recently went back on hormonal contraception and it's made me incredibly grumpy... I just don't feel myself.

Anyway, last night, DPs friend knocked in the door and delivered a parry invite. DP was in the bath so I went to the door, thanked friend for the invite etc.

When I got inside, opened the invite and saw it was just addressed to DP and not me. There was a cutesy note alongside basically saying to keep costs down, there were no plus ones.

This immediately pissed me off. We invited this friend, his plus one and his parents to our engagement party (at DPs request, he spent a lot of time with this friend and his family in his teen years). They all came and ate, drank etc at my expense. I just thought it was incredibly rude to come to the house where I live with an invite to a party that I'm not invited too?

Anyway, DP agreed it was pretty rude but he was going to go anyway because he didn't want to miss his friends party.

Then I remembered that another of his friends has a party shortly after out engagement party that I was invited too, but DP told me he would rather go alone.

So in my anger last night, I said it seemed like I was good enough to pay for everyone to come to our party but not good enough to attend any parties with him.

This then escalated into an argument that after 8 years together, I barely know any of his friends other than to say hello too and at our wedding, there's going to be 70 off people there I barely even know. Again, that I am paying the bulk of.

I don't understand his insistence to keep me and his friends separate?

I asked him and he said that it was bevause he "can relax and be himself" when I'm not there to which I replied saying I found that to be a concerning statement and so who is he when he's with me if he is himself when he's alone with them?

I'm still mad this morning, he slept in the living room last night.

I don't even know what the point of this is, I just need to get it off my chest I think.

OP posts:
Gutterton · 01/01/2020 06:33

A physical invite delivered directly to your door by hand when your OH was conveniently in the bath. Some how seems contrived?
What sort of party is it and when?
If it’s a stag do then that’s fine.

How often does he see his mates without you but in a non party setting?

Odd that none of his mates have GFs - is he gay?

What has he retrained in and why?

Gutterton · 01/01/2020 06:39

He will usually spend all night at the bar and I won't see or hear from him until hometime and I have expressed that this does annoy me in the past.

Is this likely to be your wedding day? Will he hang out “relaxing” with his mates and avoid you to “be himself”?

Is he a heavy drinker? Does he do coke?

Whatnameisgood · 01/01/2020 06:51

If it’s a party with both sexes then once you’re engaged/married I don’t think ‘plus ones’ come into it. I can’t imagine either DH or me being invited to something like this that excludes the other person. ‘Lads/girls night out’ is one thing, but mixed sex party is another. You need to have a calm chat at some point to work out where you each stand and why. Do his friends regularly issue invitations that exclude parters/spouses? I find it odd

CanIHaveADrink · 01/01/2020 06:51

I have to say, sometimes, I enjoy going in my own to see friends and yes the way I (and they) behave is different than when we have out +1 with us. Basically because we have a shared past/interest they don’t and we let our hair down in different ways.
So let’s say it couod be one partner enjoying making silly games, inside jokes and generally is being ‘silly’ (which wouod bore to death anyone who doesn’t know all the back stories). Whereas the other partner would prefer to let their hair down by having a drink at the pub with their friends.
I can’t see that as an issue tbh.

I have much more of an issue if one partner is judgemental about the way the other partner is letting their hair down. Or if one partner is always going out with their friends and is NEVER including the other. Basically an issue with proportions. Going out on your own every few months to do things your way whilst having plenty of opportunities to spend time with your partner doing other things is ok. Only going out with your friends and never doing anything else with your partner isnt iyswim

CodenameVillanelle · 01/01/2020 06:52

He doesn't mean that he has to look after you, he means you cramp his style and prevent him from getting solidly pissed at the bar when you're present. Do you think this kind of social behaviour is normal? Acceptable?

Shelby2010 · 01/01/2020 07:05

His mate was having a party that was formal enough for written invitations, but only told people on the day of the party? Yeah, pull the other one.

Your DP set you up. He already knew about it, the ‘invitation’ was just to let you know that you weren’t invited. So either it was ‘having the lads round for beers’ with no wives or girlfriends. In which case, why lie? Or it was a proper party & your DP connived with his friends to keep you away. Like a pp said, house parties have very few costs. Is it likely that there are drugs at these parties, and DP doesn’t want you to find out?

Anyway, don’t marry him.

WatchingTheMoon · 01/01/2020 07:09

Yikes, it doesn't sound great.

Me and my husband keep our friends fairly separate but he'd still always be welcome to join us especially an actual party with a group of people.

Weffiepops · 01/01/2020 07:17

Sounds like he's marrying you because you're a meal ticket. How long till the divorce so he can take half of what you have and then find someone he can really relax with to spend his future with?

Teaandcrisps · 01/01/2020 07:26

Then who is he if he can only be himself with his mates and without you!
Odd

Wereallsquare · 01/01/2020 07:45

I just don't know what to think. If one of my friends came round to our house with an invite just for me, I would have instantly declined on principle.*

You care about his feelings. He does not care about yours.

Have you and your partner discussed the fundamental values important to you? I suspect you have not. Or more importantly, have you noticed other behaviour on his part that conflicts with your values?

Be honest with yourself.

Christmaspug · 01/01/2020 08:10

Cocklodger
Do not marry him
Should not be this difficult,this early on

AlwaysCheddar · 01/01/2020 08:20

Jesus, I wouldn’t stand for this. Think twice about marrying him. Suggest you have no plus ones and his friends are limited ... see what he says then,

TartanMarbled · 01/01/2020 08:35

Either: a) his friends REALLY do not like you (have you annoyed them in some way? Are you fun to have around?) Or b) he got his friend to write the invite like that because he fancied a night out. Is there a reason he would have to resort to deception like this? Are you a bit controlling about him going out? It's worrying that he feels he can't be himself around you. How much of this is a reflection of your behaviour and how much is a reflection of his?

SonicVersusGynaephobia · 01/01/2020 08:41

Is the lower wage a temporary thing just while he retrains?

If none of his other friends have partners and you'd be the only one, then it sounds like, as a group they are all very immature and don't really know how to be (or behave?) around partners. Like they don't just behave like normal people do.

Are they quite immature? What age is DP?

beautifulstranger101 · 01/01/2020 08:47

His mate was having a party that was formal enough for written invitations, but only told people on the day of the party? Yeah, pull the other one

This. It was clearly a set up. Also, I wouldn't be surprised if his other mates DID bring their girlfriends- in fact I'd bet on it. This sounds like a set up engineered by your partner to make sure you didnt go.

This is unbelievably rude and concerning. I'd stop paying for him and start letting him stand on his own two feet if he loves his independence so bloody much. You dont get to have someone around to help pay for house expenses and then mug them off for a night of drinking/time with friends. Please dont stay with this idiot.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 01/01/2020 08:50

His mate was having a party that was formal enough for written invitations, but only told people on the day of the party? Yeah, pull the other one

Where did OP say the party was for the same day? Hmm

Ohyesiam · 01/01/2020 08:57

In my experience, compartmentalising your life tends to go with other behaviour that revolves round deception and a level of immaturity.
You need to find a way to discuss this calmly ( hard when your hormones are awry I know) and get underneath what “ being himself” means.
If he comes from a family that is full of toxic/ dysfunctional relationships he could be in the habit of only feeling he can be himself when he’s alone.

CheddarGorgeous · 01/01/2020 09:00

How old is he? He sounds like he's not ready to grow up yet.

His friends sound childish and mean.

I'd postpone the wedding until you resolve this. Divorce is really expensive.

VivaLeBeaver · 01/01/2020 09:06

My brother had friends like this when he moved in with his gf. They didn’t like the fact he had a gf and was no longer single while they were. They used to try and exclude her. Difference is my brother put his gf first. 20 years on he’s still married and has lost touch with the idiots.

I’m all for people having their own space and time. I will certainly see my friends without dh. He’s free to do the same. But there’s a line between having independence and shutting your other half out of your life. Which side do you think your dp is on?

Jellybeansincognito · 01/01/2020 09:09

This doesn’t sound right at all OP. It sounds like he’s using you when it suits- for his own financial benefit by retraining.
I can imagine he will leave himself when he’s back on his feet.
Kick him to the curb!

FinallyHere · 01/01/2020 09:12

that I am paying the bulk of.
*
I asked him and he said that it was bevause he "can relax and be himself"*

I'm so sorry that he is treating you like this.

PleAse don't get married to someone who treats you like this.

1300cakes · 01/01/2020 09:16

I really enjoy single sex and/or "friends only, no DPs" type meet ups, and rarely socialise with my DH. But even I see a massive issue here!

There are few costs to a house party, so what money is saved by not inviting you? He clearly discussed this with his mate beforehand and they've come up with this plan. Even worse than the not being invited thing is the way they've planned in advance to lie to you and trick you in such a weird way.

If he wanted to catch up with just his mates, he could have just said "I'm going round to Steve's next Saturday for a guys night". I'm sure you wouldn't have thought anything of it. Instead they've gone for the hand delivered, hand written note to trick you.

Tooner · 01/01/2020 09:18

Don't marry this man, he is using for his own ends. Things will not change if you marry him, he will always want those 'two lives'. You will never be a whole team.

dottiedodah · 01/01/2020 09:19

Really I wonder what he is thinking here TBH .Its NYE and he is out and leaving you at home?! THis is not something I would tolerate Im afraid .Its one thing to go out with his mates sometimes ,but if you never get invited along and are paying his way as well then you are behaving more like his Mum!

Prettyvase · 01/01/2020 09:28

RED FLAG BUNTING!!

OP I can't seriously believe you are bankrolling this cocklodger you are in love with who is only using you for convenience?!?!

He wants the lifestyle, the ££, you cooking and cleaning and the sex but he DOESN'T WANT YOU TO BE AROUND WHEN HE WANTS TO RELAX AND BE HIMSELF

Read that over and over op. He is being honest. He is not going to change for gou. Actions speak louder than words.

Marry him at your peril.

You have been warned.